Steal Kill, Destroy (Bit dark...)

My previous post talked about one of my favourite verses, John 10v10. "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that you may have life in abundance". The blog concentrated more on the second part of the verse, the God of abundance. It's definately the part you would put on a fridge magnet. I guess this blog looks more at the first part of the verse, the stealing, killing and destroying part. Not so fridge-magnety.

I had been in a bit of a funk for a couple of weeks. I knew what the cause was and I eventually chatted about it with people. I originally told the husband I didn't want to talk about it which I know will have frustrated grown him a little. He does love to pastor, pull on threads, find the root, speak truth into it, ask follow-up questions and he couldn't do any of that, because he only had a headline to go on. I could literally see on his face, 'she's asked not to talk about this, so try to not dig, but still show care for her'. Ah the joys of the marriage do-si-do*. When one of us isn't ready to talk, we have to give each other just the subject headline, so the other one doesn't go out of their mind wondering what it could be let alone what it actually is. No follow up questions until the other one is ready, or until the questioner explodes. 

I also wanted to talk it out with God first. I'm quite good at talking it out with other people, and sometimes I forget to let God in from the beginning. I come back to Him when I've worked it out with a buddy, or externally processed it on a voice note to someone instead. This is a silly way round of doing things seeing as God is already very aware of all my thoughts and feelings which there are many of. As I was praying, I started to cry at the phrase, I feel like I have made a fool of myself. It was helpful to put words to an unknown feeling. I was feeling similar to how I feel after childbirth, suddenly exposed and vulnerable, which is normal after childbirth but isn't necessarily a normal everyday feeling for me.

It caused me to be more cryey than usual, second-guess myself and retreat a little. Again, not my usual feels, excpet for the crying maybe. The husband found me crying at a reality show the other day, when the contestant does that sad story bit looking off camera. And I may have welled up in an advert too. Not even a Christmas advert, just a normal one. Oh and I cried yesterday because I watched a dog get found by a drone. So that bit is fairly normal, but the second-guessing and withdrawing, not so much. 

The husband's advice even without knowing details was and always is, 'Do not listen to yourself, talk to yourself'. Don't listen to the thoughts and doubts in your own head, or from the world or from the enemy. Instead tell yourself Biblical truths. He's a keeper. I did let him into my head. He took me out for dinner, ordered me a glass of Merlot, asked if I was ready to talk... that's 24 years of marriage training right there. 

Annoyingly a friend told me that I needed to allow any shaping and pruning to actually happen. She reminded me that seeds literally grow into plants and trees and fruit, but those seeds grow in the dark dead place, and that I needed to sit with God in these moments, otherwise I may miss a growth moment. Over voice memo, she reminded me of who I am, where I am and God's placing of me. She then said that I mustn't let the devil steal my joy. She said I was a joy-bringer but that currently I was letting the enemy steal my joy. 

Maybe what she said struck me more because it's a verse I know and love. And maybe because her focus was on the part of the verse that I don't always dwell on. There is an enemy of my soul whose aim is to steal, destroy and kill. Was I giving permission to have my joy stolen? I had a picture in my head of someone stealing my gold bag. It doesn't hold much in it - a slightly relevant book, pen, mascara, Christmas stamp, Yorkshire tea tin, some extra-strong mints, some Ibuprofen but if someone tried to take it, I would probably hold onto it. I'd fight for it. I wouldn't just let them take it, passively handing it over. I'd tug back on it, maybe mentally weighing up if I could take the person out, using said bag. Unless there was a threat to life, I would hold onto it and pull it back towards me. It's mine, not theirs. This image caused me to gather myself, sharpen my thinking. Am I fighting to hold on to my joy? Or am I passively letting the enemy just take it. Am I fighting in prayer, in spiritual battle, in godly input or am I not making it much of a fight at all? Am I talking truth to myself or allowing enemy lies to be the louder voice? 

I found myself saying similar things to my daughter recently. She was listening to all kinds of lies and the mumma bear in me wanted to literally fight these lies away from her. Maybe it's easier to do it for someone else, for a child even. How dare she think or say that about herself. Nope, not having it. I spoke truth to her, prayed truth over her and literally wrote truths out on post-it notes and hung it in her room. I think that's how our Heavenly Father is with us His children, with me His beloved child. He doesn't want me to live under any kind of lies. He wants me to be assured in Him. He came to bring life in abundance, in all its fullness. He has spoken and written out truths to me. Words for battle, words of encouragement, words of comfort, words of faith, words of strength, words of joy, words of dignity, words of forgiveness, words of life, words of hope. And He fought for me. There was quite literally a threat to His son's life, and at the point of Jesus' death, it must have looked like God had merely handed His son over to the enemy, let go of the bag so-to-speak, letting go of my life and my joy in the process. Defeated. Battle lost. 

However, I seem to remember that's not how it ended. The enemy did come to steal, kill and destroy but of course Jesus came to bring life, resurrection life, victory life, over-flowing, running-over life. And I get to live in the joy and freedom of that life. It's mine. Mine to hold onto, mine to fight for."O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?' ... But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthains 15v57

"Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1 v 8-9

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul... You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fulness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16 v 9-11

Why has God told us all these things? Why do we have all these truths written down? So that when the burdens of life bear heavy or the storms get firece or the enemy attempts to steal from us, we get to stand firm, already victorious, already living as God intended, holding onto what is rightfully ours, righteously ours, a life of Joy. "I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!" John 15v9 

*Do-si-do: a common folk dance where two dancers walk around each other, back to back, without turning around. 

More than Enough

If you have seen any of my Instagram or Facebook Reels, you may have picked up on our little jolly jaunt to Spain. All the kids, one girlfriend, one fiance, and two daughters in law. Back to where we went nine years ago. The nostalgic expectation was high! 

When we arrived, it felt nice that the supermarket was the same. The crisps were the same. The Sangria was still 3 Euros! My cup was full. However, it was very clear that El Delfin Verde had had some major upgrades since our last visit. The caravans were all bigger than before, which is a positive if everyone you bring with you is also bigger than they were.This time we needed two caravans, which were decked underneath, unfortunately meaning you couldn't look for geckos under the caravans! Maybe there had been feedback about a family nine years ago. The swimming pool had been majorly developed, which was wonderful and weird and sad. The kids used to stand on the eye of the dolphin and jump in. Whereas the eye of the dolphin is now a mini forest. The slides were fairly similar, although realising you go faster if you have someone heavier or taller at the front of the inflatable, meant some strategic pairing. The pirate ship was the same but they were all too big to go on that now. The mini disco was huge, not so mini. When a familiar song came on, it was just warming to watch them all and it was amusing to look around at other holiday folk watching us have a lot of fun. All of us singing along. All twelve of us. The ones we raised and the ones they have chosen to add to this glorious chaos. Gosh my heart was full. 

Then there were moments when smaller groupings happened. For starters, we had a whole afternoon to ourselves, reading in the pool and then dinner out together, just the two of us. That was never able to happen before. Quality time, is always a heart-filler.  A coffee and a walk for one of my girls and their newly acquired older sisters. A brother hanging with a brother's partner. Me and one son enjoying an Aperol Spritz together. (Adult kids can buy you cocktails in the pool, that's a new win!) A couple of couples inviting a little sister to the lake. Cups of tea and books for the early risers. Various late night shenanigans for the ones who stay up too late. And I found myself the new matriach of six beautiful girlies. How times have changed! Joy overflowing. 

Aqua dance was on every day, as it always had been. Nine years ago, this was time to myself, while the husband watched the little ones. I say time to myself: the older boys would chase each other by swiming inbetween the legs of all the ladies doing the Aquadance. We had to establish really quickly on this holiday, that that same game was now wildly inappropriate due to their sizes and ages! Time to myself was instead replaced with various family members joining me. The husband even joined in for a couple of hip sashays, although he was also the much needed cameraman to capture this epic activity. 

Holidaying with more people, potentially means more people to have little run-ins with as well. Misread comments or too many opinions. Couples around families. Siblings and parents. Morning people, evening people, sun-bathing people, people who like walks, people who are made to eat Pesto Pasta and people with their own cash, active people, sleepy people, chill people and energetic people. I guess that's what makes a family, and everyone has to adapt, leaning in to each other as we have hopefully taught them over the years. 

One of my favourite verses in the Bible, is John 10v10, (the second half more than the first) "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. But I have come to bring life and life in abundance". My heart was full on this holiday; all the wins, all the joys, all the fun, all the singing, all the dancing, all the Spanish ham in croissants, all the people, all the combinations. I think I have a fairly good idea of what abundance feels like, what overflowing means and I am so grateful.

I learned a little something which blew my mind at the Think conference this year. We were studying the Bible book of Luke written by wordsmith Luke himself. "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap". All fantastic words with imagery like dropping Mentos into a bottle of Coke. The last part of the verse, "for the measure you use, it will be measured to you", it will be measured to you, in the Greek, is the longest word in that sentance. I loved finding that out. The structure of the words tie in beautifully with the truth of that statement. 

I wonder if I don't actually have a good idea of what abundance feels like. I reckon it is so much more than I could ever imagine. God is the God of the more, the full, the running -over, the extra, the never-ending, the full blessing, the abundance. And this means that even when they've all gone back to their own lives and my cups of tea in the morning are just for one, Jesus is still the king of abundance. Even when the kids are not getting along, He is still the king of life, life in all its fullness. Even when the kids are facing their own doubts and battles, it doesn't change who Jesus is and what He has done for them. Even when it seems like the enemy is stealing from you or from them, it does not change the Victory that we get to live in. Thank God that He never changes. He wasn't any different nine years ago. He wont have changed the next time I meet with Him. He's the same God in Spain as He is in England. His overflowing love, His steadfast faithfulness and His ever-reaching mercy will always be more than enough, more than I deserve, more than I can fathom. His goodness knows no bounds. 

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day, It's a New Life for me...

So, all the family are at Newday as you may have seen if you've been keeping up with my many Instagram stories (in the highlights if you missed them). You can listen to this year's talks and seminars here if you're keen. Newday is Epic! 10,000+ young people finding out about God, being free to worship Him while having fun, staying up late, playing sports, dancing, creating, drinking milkshakes and not always showering. 

We did many many years at Newday with young kids. The husband and his team, being known for their antics with fish heads, slugs and oil, alongside dionsaurs fighting whilst hanging from the ceiling of the venue. I'm sure that team were the safety team's favourites. It was and still is highly planned, silly fun, followed by Gospel truths. One of my favourite moments was during a preach, and a kid just stood up unprompted because he wanted to give his life to Jesus, which set the precedent for other kids doing the same. It was beautiful. Another not so glorious moment, was a lady spotting some young lads running across bins and stating how dangerous she thought it was. She of course was right, but I didn't turn around because I knew exactly who those young boys belonged to. 

The prep is always a bit full on. Do the airbeds stay up? Do we have enough sleeping bags? What is on the kit list? Has everyone got a towel, a Bible, suncream, pants? Have I made enough lunches for the journey up there? And the little side chats to each person as they headed to Newday in different roles, only two of them as actual Youth; 'lead by example', 'be aware of those around you', 'don't be all-consumed by those around you', 'include others', 'you can't always care what everyone else thinks', 'you may feel lonely at times', 'the little one is in your care', 'siblings can be annoying even when camping', 'tired people can be grumpy people', 'everyone cries on the Wednesday'. And then off they went. And off I prayed, asking God to meet each of them where they're at and possibly not leave them there...

Coming home to a quiet house was strange and wonderul and weird and lovely. Eating cereal for dinner was tremendous. Not so much the cereal itself, although Weeatbix is amazing, but I think it was the 'not having to cook' headspace that was actually quite enjoyable. I didn't make any lunches or clear up midnight noodles. I watched TV at 7pm, just anything I wanted to watch. The morning was smooth, no one had lost anything, no one asked for money, no one needed waking up. I even snoozed my alarm a couple of times because I knew I could just get up and go, no lifts anywhere. I hopped on a train to London, popped in for a cuppa with someone and didn't even run out of milk. Even managed a visit to see my big bro and the fam. Bliss!

Don't get me wrong, the FOMO is real. The bigness of it all,  seeing little ones turn into bigger ones. The same people who give up a week or more to serve. I know what an incredible week it will have been. It's definately hard work for those serving the youth, but the reward is top level. You watch the kids relax as the week goes on, less 'too cool for school' and more 'going with the flow'. You watch people grow through the week, maybe letting go of some of their own insecurities, shaking off labels given to them, daring to believe what their Youth leaders or seminar speakers are telling them. You spot either that one kid that you know having a God moment or the hundreds you don't know, responding to God's call on their life and it brings you a joy that is incomparable. Whether you're at the event or your kids are at the event, your household or your church is at the event, we all get to share in the good of this week. Our prayer is that the effect of these last few days will shape our kids, our youth groups, our homes, our churches and beyond.

I'd quite like them all back now. The noise and chaos can return to normal. Can't wait to hear about it all.  I've had a lovely peaceful week which has been refreshing for me. I know for certain that Newday will have been awesome, with repercussions into eternity. 

"But the Lord said to me, "do not say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you". Jeremiah 1v7

Uno Reverse

The problem with teaching your children the Bible... which I realise is quite a big statement from a mum who teaches her children the Bible... is that either it can come back to bite re-teach you or you can model hypocrisy if your words and actions do not match up. I remember the moment I was cleaning vomit off of a large Tigger teddy in the bath. The whole family had gone through a sick bug; the baby at the time rubbing it into her beautiful red hair, one child who simply threw up and then got on with his day with an unfazed amount of energy, one child who didn't even try to make it to the toilet, and one who had thrown up in every area of his bed and over every cuddly toy he had squeezed into his bed. I remember the husband catching a child's vomit in his hands and then heaving himself, a look of despair between us as we had hit a new parenting milestone. 

Anyway, back to carrot infused Tigger in the bath...my eldest son called out to me, "Mum, remember whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God". He was referring to 1 Corinthains 10v31, a brilliant verse that we had tried to instill into our kids because it covers your attitude to everything, no matter what you are doing, you can glorify God in the midst of it. And if you can't, maybe you shouldn't be doing it. Brilliant, what a wise child we were raising. I thanked him as enthusiastically as I could muster whilst honestly wanting to throat punch the kid! ** That verse was meant to be used by me for teaching into my children's words and actions, not used by my children to teach into my words and actions, like some ultimate Uno Reverse move!

I was reminded of this yesterday. We had driven home from Brighton. One child had an appointment to attend and another child had an optional midday pick up due to the heat, which I decided was an optional full day road-trip instead. We sang along to Heart radio, laughed with the cousins and swam in the sea. It was refreshing, bonding and fun. One of those new-start kind of days that resets the family. Just what we all needed. Much better than the day before where I was feeling sad and grumpy for no particular reason. I had taken myself off to my room to doom-scroll, not to take my thoughts captive, not to dwell on what is praise-worthy, but to swipe up repetitively. One of those things I am not sure I can do for the glory of God. Social-media time for me, can be good. I like seeing what's going on in people's lives, sending relatable reels to the husband and to friends, carefully curating which ones to send to which people and which ones should not be sent at all... However, I am usually aware of when this activity is life-giving for me, and when it is life-stealing, when I am doing it to escape from life. 

On the drive home, my daughter pointed the beautiful sunset out to us and it really was something, all kinds or lilacs and oranges. I took a moment to teach the Bible as Deuteronomy 6 encourages us to do. We are to impress the Lord's ways to our children, to talk about them when we sit, when we walk, when we lie down or when we drive home. I said that I love the rhythm of the sun setting and rising again as it reminds me that whatever has gone on that day, however wrong we have got it, however un-glorifying our decisions have been, whatever hurt or shame we have carried that day, however hard the day was, however sad or grumpy we have felt, the Bible says that God's mercies are new every morning. Every morning the sun rises and it reminds me that because the son rose we get a fresh start with God again and again. Although we do need to be active in coming back to Him, we don't have to physically wait until morning to re-connect with Him and He is always willing to show us mercy.

When we got home, the two that had had a lovely refreshing, bonding, fun day started to bicker, multiplied of course by the tiredness and the temperature. I pointed out that they had had a lovely day together and they shouldn't ruin it now. This kind of thinking is of course not realistic when it comes to family life, as fun and bickering can go hand-in-hand, great days and falling out skip along together in perfect disunity. It's rarely one or the other. It is more often a combination of the two, where mum's reactions and patience can set the tone for the rest of the day. 

They both rejected my end-of-day thoughts because apparently they had actually been agreeing on something and I was the one making it worse. It was really difficult to tell by the tones they were using with each other. In that moment, I had the choice to lightheartedly say, 'oh my mistake, I'm sorry, let's continue to dwell in unity together', but I didn't. I'm not sure what I said exactly, but it was all kinds of muttering, ranting in tones that were very clear, closing car doors slightly louder than needed, ending with a bit of guilt-tripping, and my pet-peeve from parents; 'now you've made me out to be the bad guy' as if anyone else is in control of our own reactions. One even tried to say sorry, not neccessarily because she was, but because she doesn't like being out of relationship. I asked them both to get into bed and I headed out for a little bit of space. 

I ranted at God about me being in the right and how I as mum always have to be the one to lean in. I was cross too that I probably had to say sorry to the kids, and sorry to God and I didn't want to. On and on I stomped through the woods, justifying my anger, my annoyance, my tone. All other kinds of things spilled out that I didn't quite know were in there, things I had possibly not been acknowledging, things I had possibly been trying to escape. Eventually I sat on a bench in an area of green pasture and I was reminded of Psalm 23. (I nearly laid down in it but I didn't want to be bitten by every bug that has been awoken by this heat). I played the Psalm on my phone... Jesus makes me lie down, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul, He guides me, He comforts me, His goodness and love follow me. I let Psalm 24 and Psalm 25 play on.... Turn to me God and be gracious towards me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. I had a good ol' cry. I thanked God that His mercies were indeed new every morning and I didn't have to wait until morning to recieve them. 

I was so encouraged in this moment not only because of God's grace towards me, but also because the Scripture was impressed on me, the Bible verses that I knew had given me life. I saw a pasture and was reminded that Jesus leads me to green pastures to restore my soul. The biggest blessing I can give my kids is to teach them that the Bible is life-giving. I want them to have every day reminders of who He is and what He has done for them and how much He loves them. I want them to see the sunrise and the sunset and be reminded that God is doing His Holy, awesome thing every day. He is showing His new mercies to them every single morning. I just need to keep pointing it out to them and living in the good of it for myself.

**Metaphorically speaking. 

Livin' on a Prayer

I recently interviewed my big brother about his battle with cancer. I've cheesily titled it 'Livin' on a Prayer', because it's our go-to Kareoke song and kind of appropriate for this post. 

This is Gary's story.

When did your battle with Cancer start?
December 2020, I was in my workshop. I felt an aching in my leg and my lower back that didn’t go away. I did the typical bloke thing and ignored it, popped Ibuprofen like they were sweets. August 2021, I had a big lump cut out of my leg, on my sister's birthday!

Where is your 'Cancer journey' at now?
Well it’s a mixed bag really. Basically it’s stage 4, classed as incurable and medically they are looking to prolong my life. I have a large sarcoma in my chest which had recently shrunk, but it has recently grown again and it has partially collapsed a lobe in my left lung. I now have tumours in my liver and it’s now back in my leg. I have been receiving Immunotherapy after having Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy. Chemo didn’t really work for me. Unfortunately the immuno  hasn't really been working either it seems. I now have a new issue in my tube leading to my bowel which may also be a lesion, so they are going to try me on a different chemo drug…

How has the cancer restricted your every day life, or changed you? The location of the tumour in the chest has been pushing on my lung and it is surrounding an airway, so breathing can be tricky. The new one in my leg will restrict my mobility. Not being able to work as a Community Pastor has been really tough. I’m not as invincible as I thought I was. That's not a nice thing to learn. And I can be really stroppy and lose my ‘filter’ easily. I may be a pastor, but I’m also human. (Some people close to the interviewee, say the stroppy bit isn't a new thing). 

Have you looked at anything differently since your diagnosis? 
Yeah, life! I want to live it. As Christians we read scriptures and sing songs about getting to Heaven and having no troubles anymore when we get there. But I don’t want to go there yet. My Bible verse is Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain". I just don’t want to gain yet!!! I struggle to sing those songs. Once you realise you may die, you realise what you have and also what you won’t possibly see in the future on this earth. I want to spend more time with the family and my friends and also drive the Mustang more! I want to spend time with my grandson. He’s pure joy and when I’m with him, it all fades away for a moment.

So, you have you looked at the possibility of dying? 

I’ve looked at the possibility of dying yeah, but I do also know that one day, whether it is here on earth or when I get to Heaven I will be healed. In God's timing, and in His will, or as the film Gladiator puts it, 'In this life or the next'. Not being healed does challenge your faith especially when so many people that I know are praying for me. What does that do to their faith if I’m not healed and I die? That's something I think about.

If God doesn't heal you, isn't that a bit harsh?
You could say that but it’s life I’m afraid. Whatever happens you can blame God but ultimately life and death are His decision. Evil and sickness was never His intention for us but he’s given us a way out of that through Jesus. If my death glorifies God in any way shape or form then that’s what matters. I’m not going to skip down the road singing Hallelujah if he doesn’t heal me, I will probably be really stroppy and upset!

Did you find it funny when your sister bought you chocolate fingers while you were having Chemo treatment? It was hilarious…not! The last time she visited me in hospital was when I lost my fingers due to a lawn mower accident, and she bought be chocolate fingers as a gift. Oh, ha ha!!!

Lots of people ask "why me?" Do you think you deserve cancer or it shouldn't be your battle? Why me? Why not me? Why am I any different from anyone else?
I don’t think anyone deserves anything like this. I believe we live in a fallen world that needs healing and that healing started at the cross in Jesus’ death and resurrection. That gives us access to be with Him for eternity. I’m just asking if I can stay here a bit longer.

Are you scared of possibly dying? Have you discussed it with loved ones?
I’m not scared, I just don’t want it to happen yet. Yes we’ve had some chats about it as a family but we have said we won’t properly go there until we need to. 

What's your biggest fear?
Not seeing milestones in my family's lives. I fear not seeing my other sons get married or not seeing my grandson walk or go to school or not meeting future grandkids. When I am faced with the possibility of not seeing that, that’s my fear.

The Bible says 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick'. What do you think this verse means? Being a Spurs fan! Ha. I believe this scripture talks about worry, anxiety, depression and the sadness you feel when you realise your hopes and dreams may not be fulfilled. I’m a ‘cup half full’ guy but cancer keeps wanting to empty it. I try not to let these things get to me but it’s a daily battle, so I need to add things into my life that keep my cup filled up. 

Have you upped your praying or lessened your praying?
Honestly, I’ve prayed less and ranted more! I’ve beseeched, bargained and bawled my eyes out. My prayers these days are less about me and more about my family. Sorry if that sounds un-christian of me, but I believe prayer is an ongoing conversation with God. He knows my thoughts, he sees my hurts and joys and when I turn these to Him in the way we Christians call prayer, it’s heart felt and it's yearning… it's just not all the time.

Do you think having cancer has tested your faith?
Big time, and I challenge anyone who says it wouldn’t test theirs. As I’ve said, I don’t say ‘why me?’ But instead, ‘seriously God?’ 

Are there any Bible verses or worship songs that you have dwelt in? Or any you have avoided? At the beginning of this recent return of cancer I didn’t listen to or read anything. I was sent a lot of scriptures and songs to listen to, by well-meaning people but I was so fed up with God and cancer at the time, that I didn’t want to know.

In fact, the songs that brought be back to unmuting myself from God were Hello Heaven, Hello by Yungblud and Malibu by Mumford and Sons - the lyrics to these songs resonated with my perspective of living with incurable cancer. Sometimes we need to listen to the songs written by people we would class as secular. They don’t sugar coat their feelings and that’s what I’ve needed. I find some worship music a bit…plastic fantastic!

Saying that, I speak Jesus and Gratitude are worship songs I have dwelt in. At the moment I am listening to a Christian artist called Stephen Stanley on loop. It’s not worship
music in the way we see worship music, but the lyrics are how I feel and it resonates. 

This lyric from Malibu,"under his wings you will find refuge" is from Psalm 91v4. A hospital Chaplain prayed it over me one time, and I also received this scripture in the form of a painting from a Christian artist I know. These independent sources confirmed to me that God was speaking to me at that time. 


Why do you think God allows suffering?
Like I said before, we live in a fallen world which needs healing. Suffering isn't God's intention. The world got messed up, not by God but by us rebelling from Him. I do believe that the suffering we go through strengthens us. Romans 5v1-5 talks about this.“And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." ‭‭I’ve lived long enough to face all these things, be strengthed and still have hope. I’m not sure if I could say the same if this had happened to me when I was younger, as I hadn't seen suffering stregthen people. I also believe that we as humans, have been charged by God to help alleviate suffering in this world. 

Are you angry at God? Are you even allowed to be, as a Christian?
Yep, I have been angry at God, and annoyed at him, but I believe he’s ok with that. I don’t stay angry as I find hope in His reminders in scripture and other ways I see Him evidenced in the world around me. He’s a loving parent, we are His kids. Our own kids get annoyed and angry at us sometimes but it usually doesn’t last long. 

You don't get annoyed by your favourite sister though do you?
No, she's nothing but joy and light.

**Some words may have been changed without the interviewees knowledge or consent**.

As a pastor how can you help people have hope when you yourself might be struggling?
Just smile and wave! Seriously, I could become the most miserable person because of this cancer, but that’s not the Jesus I follow. When I read of his short lived life on the earth it was and still is, an example to us all. Christ on the cross had compassion for a thief, both of them had been and were being tortured. I’m not comparing my plight to that, but if Christ showed compassion in His suffering then so will I. He is the one who gives hope. I know the hope I have of eternal glory. My struggle with hope is for healing.

The Royal Marsden has been your place of treatment and care. How has that been, and what's the plan going forward? It has been fantastic, really pleased with the care I have received. Some stuff has worked and some stuff hasn’t but the nurses and doctors have been brilliant. Gold standard for sure. I’ve been told there aren’t many treatments left after this, maybe more chemo, radio on the leg.

Anything you would like to add?
I’m hoping this is an honest reflection of where I’m at. We aren’t superhuman as pastors. We are human, but we can be put on unhelpful pedestals, which we easily fall off. My family are great and their faith is also a strength to me. My church family have been awesome, I can’t thank them enough for their support. I think that when I come face to face with God He might have a few words with me, but in reality I know He will just want me to be in His arms and that’s what I’m hoping for…one day.

Stay At Home

In addition to all the new things that we are currently facing, I find myself with a new job. For most of my parenting journey, I have been a Stay-at-Home-mum, which is a ridiculous description because I rarely stayed at home. I and the little people in my care would have gone stir crazy if we stayed at home. I think it works for some kids and some mums but for me and mine, it was park, carbs, park, carbs, repeat. 

A moment came when I decided I liked kids so much, that I should take more of them in and  start childminding. By this time, enough of mine were in full time education that it seemed a good balance. The husband partly loved that season, because Ofsted required a tidy environment to raise other people's kids in. But he also came home to extra children in the house who were being entertained with paint and glitter. 

I mainly looked after friends' kids. Some who needed to work for financial reasons and some who needed to work to keep their sanity. I enjoyed having little ones around and uploading photos with witty diary entries, partly because of my comedic genius and partly because kids are just hilarious. I had a particular pairing of girls - one an enthusiastic hugger and one who reluctantly put up with the affection that came her way. The day arrived when my littlest went into school, and as much as I thought I would take in a higher ratio of children, I decided enough was enough and I should just stick to the ones I birthed.

This and lockdown coincided with my brother in law needing some admin support for his landscaping company. The brother in law, the best man at our wedding happens to also be my oldest friend from our teen years, so nearly five years of fun ensued as we booked in slabs and I learnt the importance of getting diggers ordered to arrive on site, rather than at his home address. The confidence I gained in that role in addition to the transferable mum skills that I brought along with me, probably pushed me to apply for a job that I may have thought was outside of my reach previously. I got quite the telling off from one of my sons when I was prepping for the interview. I had tearfully said that I did not want to feel stupid. He reminded me of who I was in Christ and who I was as a Dawson. It was one of those teaching moments from his youth that had beautifully returned to bite sharpen me.

So that brings me up to date with a new role in finance admin. It doesn't quite feel very me but I look forward to going to work each day which is a win, and I'm enjoying developing a new skillset. Part of the joy of going off to work in an office every day, has been sourcing a capsule wardrobe sponsored of course, by Vinted. I have a new work bestie who started at the same time as me, and she very kindly put us in the same age bracket. 'Clock it', as she would say. 

Me heading out to work, has been a funny adjustment for our household. Thankfully the husband has been able to finish his working day at home so the youngest two aren't alone for too long. This has been the first half term that I have not been with the kids, which has been a real mixture of emotions for me. I have embraced the freedom after two decades of being a stay-at-home mum. I have of course felt the standard mum guilt and quite simply, I have just missed being around them. I am very aware that me being able to be with the kids for so long, has been a really privileged position to be in which I have really loved. I know that some mums simply haven't had the choice not to work and some haven't enjoyed staying home. 

I remember having a conversation with a mum who also worked outside of the home. She had come across the phrase 'full time mum' as if her being at work somehow made her a part time mum. The mumming, the responsibilty, the care, the mental load, the weight, the juggle is a full time role regardless of how much is done in the home.

It is another muscle stretch for me, for our household and also in learning to trust God in a new way. There always seems to be new ways to trust Him. I take wisdom from the much admired and sometimes hard to reach woman of Proverbs 31. She takes care of her household, and if she was alive today, she would definately have a Vinted selling page!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed..." Proverbs 31v25-28

What's the Plan?

I made a Reel yesterday, because I wanted to share a snapshot of the last few months and visuals can really help to capture a moment. But then again, so can the written word...

We are eight months into a new move. That in itself seems ridiculous. I can't quite tell if it feels like we only moved last week, or if we have always been here. When does it stop being a new move?! We were in the last house, the last neighbourhood for twenty years, in the last church for 25 years. That's a lot of time, people, memories, cups of tea, raising kids and blessings to be grateful for. A fair few disagreements and head injuries too! It does feel strange having our old stuff in a new place, our blue sofa in a new lounge (which needed a bit of sledgehammer help on day one to make it fit) our interesting ornaments accompanying us from one shelf to another and I'm pretty sure the husband tactically misplaced some items in the move. 

I remember asking people for advice, as to whether we should move or not, a pendulum swinging with pros and cons. I can mentally play out the tearful, "you should go, but we don't want you to" responses. I remember wanting to have an obvious Neon flashing sign telling us what to do. I remember the lack of peace and literally feeling sick from not knowing; such an unsettling season, but one we know grew us in new ways as a couple and in trusting God. We took wise counsel hearing that sometimes God asks us for obedience, which can actually be easier than the times where He ask us to choose. And sometimes we simply have to see where faith leads us and where faith settles.

I look back on the big prayers I sent up to God, (accompanied by tears and fasting) in regard to the teens - moving teenagers who were knitted into their communities and happy with their Brighton lives. I didn't want them to be damaged in any way by the move, happy for challenges to grow them, but not for the whole experience to break their relationship with mum and dad or with God. I watched as God answered a specific prayer for one of them, and I remember the day the pendulum stopped moving, and we knew our hearts had settled on going. The pain of telling people was no less easy, but knowing our hearts and minds were settled, were at peace, helped us with the trickier parts. 

We came to realise that when buying and selling a house, people have unnerving strories to tell. A bit like labour, everyone has a unique, sometimes terifying narrative! Keeping the house tidy for viewings was a particularly stressful time for one of us in this marriage and a joy bringer to the other! (Similiar to when I got Ofsteded as a Childminder) but we did manage to do a really good de-clutter. Stacey Solomon would have been proud. 

We ended up moving into a temporary home, waiting for our Brighton house to go through. Now the last time we were in temporary accomodation was when we were made homeless and ended up in Eastbourne, but that is another story for another day! This time, we found ourselves in the beautiful home of a couple from our new church. They very generously housed a family of five with spacious bedrooms, cooked meals, card games, and real warmth. Different family members were blessed further by Sky Sports, panda curtains, cornflake apple crumble and a tea tap (well a boiling water tap). They got to witness some raw moments as we processed the move as a family, and they let us help decorate their Christmas tree! A very special home from home, when we needed it.

We moved into our new house two months ago today! People near and far have been very kind with practical help, cards, gifts, flowers, and even postal brownies and cookies. And now we are making this new house our home. The husband has built a wardrobe, a spice rack and a book shelf and I have searched Facebook marketplace for new dining room chairs. The littlest has Panda-ised her bedroom, the oldest has covered his floor in tools. We have shared pancakes and meals at our table, with people who have known us forever and those we are just getting to know. We have had sons and wives come to visit, and have made ourselves known to the neighbours... a funny mix of old and new.

As Spring starts, and Easter gives us the promise of new life, you can't help but wonder what will be? Who will we get to know? What stories will be told? What tears will be shed over a cuppa? What extra mouths will we end up feeding? Whose hearts will bond with ours? Who will stay over? Who will move in? Who will move out? What will get broken here and what will get mended? 

There is a famous Bible verse which says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29v11 

We are trusting God that He knows what He is doing. He knows what He is doing with us, what He is growing in us and what He will use us for. We are trusting that He has already thought things through. He has plans for us. He has plans for this household, for this home, for the new chairs around the kitchen table. He has plans for those we left behind and even for teenagers. He doesn't always let us in on the details of those plans, but He does ask us to follow His ways. He's not surprised by circumstances or left wondering what will happen next. His desire is to prosper us, not to harm us. He may well challenge us and grow us along the way, but He has hope for us and a future. Wow, what an encouragement, what a standing we have, what security. It means that when we don't know what the plan is, God does. When we are asking about the 'how comes', the 'what ifs' and the 'whys',  we may not get a flashing Neon sign but we know God is faithful, He can be trusted, He wants good for us and He will direct us, whether we move or whether we stay right where where we are.