Livin' on a Prayer

I recently interviewed my big brother about his battle with cancer. I've cheesily titled it 'Livin' on a Prayer', because it's our go-to Kareoke song and kind of appropriate for this post. 

This is Gary's story.

When did your battle with Cancer start?
December 2020, I was in my workshop. I felt an aching in my leg and my lower back that didn’t go away. I did the typical bloke thing and ignored it, popped Ibuprofen like they were sweets. August 2021, I had a big lump cut out of my leg, on my sister's birthday!

Where is your 'Cancer journey' at now?
Well it’s a mixed bag really. Basically it’s stage 4, classed as incurable and medically they are looking to prolong my life. I have a large sarcoma in my chest which had recently shrunk, but it has recently grown again and it has partially collapsed a lobe in my left lung. I now have tumours in my liver and it’s now back in my leg. I have been receiving Immunotherapy after having Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy. Chemo didn’t really work for me. Unfortunately the immuno  hasn't really been working either it seems. I now have a new issue in my tube leading to my bowel which may also be a lesion, so they are going to try me on a different chemo drug…

How has the cancer restricted your every day life, or changed you? The location of the tumour in the chest has been pushing on my lung and it is surrounding an airway, so breathing can be tricky. The new one in my leg will restrict my mobility. Not being able to work as a Community Pastor has been really tough. I’m not as invincible as I thought I was. That's not a nice thing to learn. And I can be really stroppy and lose my ‘filter’ easily. I may be a pastor, but I’m also human. (Some people close to the interviewee, say the stroppy bit isn't a new thing). 

Have you looked at anything differently since your diagnosis? 
Yeah, life! I want to live it. As Christians we read scriptures and sing songs about getting to Heaven and having no troubles anymore when we get there. But I don’t want to go there yet. My Bible verse is Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain". I just don’t want to gain yet!!! I struggle to sing those songs. Once you realise you may die, you realise what you have and also what you won’t possibly see in the future on this earth. I want to spend more time with the family and my friends and also drive the Mustang more! I want to spend time with my grandson. He’s pure joy and when I’m with him, it all fades away for a moment.

So, you have you looked at the possibility of dying? 

I’ve looked at the possibility of dying yeah, but I do also know that one day, whether it is here on earth or when I get to Heaven I will be healed. In God's timing, and in His will, or as the film Gladiator puts it, 'In this life or the next'. Not being healed does challenge your faith especially when so many people that I know are praying for me. What does that do to their faith if I’m not healed and I die? That's something I think about.

If God doesn't heal you, isn't that a bit harsh?
You could say that but it’s life I’m afraid. Whatever happens you can blame God but ultimately life and death are His decision. Evil and sickness was never His intention for us but he’s given us a way out of that through Jesus. If my death glorifies God in any way shape or form then that’s what matters. I’m not going to skip down the road singing Hallelujah if he doesn’t heal me, I will probably be really stroppy and upset!

Did you find it funny when your sister bought you chocolate fingers while you were having Chemo treatment? It was hilarious…not! The last time she visited me in hospital was when I lost my fingers due to a lawn mower accident, and she bought be chocolate fingers as a gift. Oh, ha ha!!!

Lots of people ask "why me?" Do you think you deserve cancer or it shouldn't be your battle? Why me? Why not me? Why am I any different from anyone else?
I don’t think anyone deserves anything like this. I believe we live in a fallen world that needs healing and that healing started at the cross in Jesus’ death and resurrection. That gives us access to be with Him for eternity. I’m just asking if I can stay here a bit longer.

Are you scared of possibly dying? Have you discussed it with loved ones?
I’m not scared, I just don’t want it to happen yet. Yes we’ve had some chats about it as a family but we have said we won’t properly go there until we need to. 

What's your biggest fear?
Not seeing milestones in my family's lives. I fear not seeing my other sons get married or not seeing my grandson walk or go to school or not meeting future grandkids. When I am faced with the possibility of not seeing that, that’s my fear.

The Bible says 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick'. What do you think this verse means? Being a Spurs fan! Ha. I believe this scripture talks about worry, anxiety, depression and the sadness you feel when you realise your hopes and dreams may not be fulfilled. I’m a ‘cup half full’ guy but cancer keeps wanting to empty it. I try not to let these things get to me but it’s a daily battle, so I need to add things into my life that keep my cup filled up. 

Have you upped your praying or lessened your praying?
Honestly, I’ve prayed less and ranted more! I’ve beseeched, bargained and bawled my eyes out. My prayers these days are less about me and more about my family. Sorry if that sounds un-christian of me, but I believe prayer is an ongoing conversation with God. He knows my thoughts, he sees my hurts and joys and when I turn these to Him in the way we Christians call prayer, it’s heart felt and it's yearning… it's just not all the time.

Do you think having cancer has tested your faith?
Big time, and I challenge anyone who says it wouldn’t test theirs. As I’ve said, I don’t say ‘why me?’ But instead, ‘seriously God?’ 

Are there any Bible verses or worship songs that you have dwelt in? Or any you have avoided? At the beginning of this recent return of cancer I didn’t listen to or read anything. I was sent a lot of scriptures and songs to listen to, by well-meaning people but I was so fed up with God and cancer at the time, that I didn’t want to know.

In fact, the songs that brought be back to unmuting myself from God were Hello Heaven, Hello by Yungblud and Malibu by Mumford and Sons - the lyrics to these songs resonated with my perspective of living with incurable cancer. Sometimes we need to listen to the songs written by people we would class as secular. They don’t sugar coat their feelings and that’s what I’ve needed. I find some worship music a bit…plastic fantastic!

Saying that, I speak Jesus and Gratitude are worship songs I have dwelt in. At the moment I am listening to a Christian artist called Stephen Stanley on loop. It’s not worship
music in the way we see worship music, but the lyrics are how I feel and it resonates. 

This lyric from Malibu,"under his wings you will find refuge" is from Psalm 91v4. A hospital Chaplain prayed it over me one time, and I also received this scripture in the form of a painting from a Christian artist I know. These independent sources confirmed to me that God was speaking to me at that time. 


Why do you think God allows suffering?
Like I said before, we live in a fallen world which needs healing. Suffering isn't God's intention. The world got messed up, not by God but by us rebelling from Him. I do believe that the suffering we go through strengthens us. Romans 5v1-5 talks about this.“And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." ‭‭I’ve lived long enough to face all these things, be strengthed and still have hope. I’m not sure if I could say the same if this had happened to me when I was younger, as I hadn't seen suffering stregthen people. I also believe that we as humans, have been charged by God to help alleviate suffering in this world. 

Are you angry at God? Are you even allowed to be, as a Christian?
Yep, I have been angry at God, and annoyed at him, but I believe he’s ok with that. I don’t stay angry as I find hope in His reminders in scripture and other ways I see Him evidenced in the world around me. He’s a loving parent, we are His kids. Our own kids get annoyed and angry at us sometimes but it usually doesn’t last long. 

You don't get annoyed by your favourite sister though do you?
No, she's nothing but joy and light.

**Some words may have been changed without the interviewees knowledge or consent**.

As a pastor how can you help people have hope when you yourself might be struggling?
Just smile and wave! Seriously, I could become the most miserable person because of this cancer, but that’s not the Jesus I follow. When I read of his short lived life on the earth it was and still is, an example to us all. Christ on the cross had compassion for a thief, both of them had been and were being tortured. I’m not comparing my plight to that, but if Christ showed compassion in His suffering then so will I. He is the one who gives hope. I know the hope I have of eternal glory. My struggle with hope is for healing.

The Royal Marsden has been your place of treatment and care. How has that been, and what's the plan going forward? It has been fantastic, really pleased with the care I have received. Some stuff has worked and some stuff hasn’t but the nurses and doctors have been brilliant. Gold standard for sure. I’ve been told there aren’t many treatments left after this, maybe more chemo, radio on the leg.

Anything you would like to add?
I’m hoping this is an honest reflection of where I’m at. We aren’t superhuman as pastors. We are human, but we can be put on unhelpful pedestals, which we easily fall off. My family are great and their faith is also a strength to me. My church family have been awesome, I can’t thank them enough for their support. I think that when I come face to face with God He might have a few words with me, but in reality I know He will just want me to be in His arms and that’s what I’m hoping for…one day.

Stay At Home

In addition to all the new things that we are currently facing, I find myself with a new job. For most of my parenting journey, I have been a Stay-at-Home-mum, which is a ridiculous description because I rarely stayed at home. I and the little people in my care would have gone stir crazy if we stayed at home. I think it works for some kids and some mums but for me and mine, it was park, carbs, park, carbs, repeat. 

A moment came when I decided I liked kids so much, that I should take more of them in and  start childminding. By this time, enough of mine were in full time education that it seemed a good balance. The husband partly loved that season, because Ofsted required a tidy environment to raise other people's kids in. But he also came home to extra children in the house who were being entertained with paint and glitter. 

I mainly looked after friends' kids. Some who needed to work for financial reasons and some who needed to work to keep their sanity. I enjoyed having little ones around and uploading photos with witty diary entries, partly because of my comedic genius and partly because kids are just hilarious. I had a particular pairing of girls - one an enthusiastic hugger and one who reluctantly put up with the affection that came her way. The day arrived when my littlest went into school, and as much as I thought I would take in a higher ratio of children, I decided enough was enough and I should just stick to the ones I birthed.

This and lockdown coincided with my brother in law needing some admin support for his landscaping company. The brother in law, the best man at our wedding happens to also be my oldest friend from our teen years, so nearly five years of fun ensued as we booked in slabs and I learnt the importance of getting diggers ordered to arrive on site, rather than at his home address. The confidence I gained in that role in addition to the transferable mum skills that I brought along with me, probably pushed me to apply for a job that I may have thought was outside of my reach previously. I got quite the telling off from one of my sons when I was prepping for the interview. I had tearfully said that I did not want to feel stupid. He reminded me of who I was in Christ and who I was as a Dawson. It was one of those teaching moments from his youth that had beautifully returned to bite sharpen me.

So that brings me up to date with a new role in finance admin. It doesn't quite feel very me but I look forward to going to work each day which is a win, and I'm enjoying developing a new skillset. Part of the joy of going off to work in an office every day, has been sourcing a capsule wardrobe sponsored of course, by Vinted. I have a new work bestie who started at the same time as me, and she very kindly put us in the same age bracket. 'Clock it', as she would say. 

Me heading out to work, has been a funny adjustment for our household. Thankfully the husband has been able to finish his working day at home so the youngest two aren't alone for too long. This has been the first half term that I have not been with the kids, which has been a real mixture of emotions for me. I have embraced the freedom after two decades of being a stay-at-home mum. I have of course felt the standard mum guilt and quite simply, I have just missed being around them. I am very aware that me being able to be with the kids for so long, has been a really privileged position to be in which I have really loved. I know that some mums simply haven't had the choice not to work and some haven't enjoyed staying home. 

I remember having a conversation with a mum who also worked outside of the home. She had come across the phrase 'full time mum' as if her being at work somehow made her a part time mum. The mumming, the responsibilty, the care, the mental load, the weight, the juggle is a full time role regardless of how much is done in the home.

It is another muscle stretch for me, for our household and also in learning to trust God in a new way. There always seems to be new ways to trust Him. I take wisdom from the much admired and sometimes hard to reach woman of Proverbs 31. She takes care of her household, and if she was alive today, she would definately have a Vinted selling page!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed..." Proverbs 31v25-28

What's the Plan?

I made a Reel yesterday, because I wanted to share a snapshot of the last few months and visuals can really help to capture a moment. But then again, so can the written word...

We are eight months into a new move. That in itself seems ridiculous. I can't quite tell if it feels like we only moved last week, or if we have always been here. When does it stop being a new move?! We were in the last house, the last neighbourhood for twenty years, in the last church for 25 years. That's a lot of time, people, memories, cups of tea, raising kids and blessings to be grateful for. A fair few disagreements and head injuries too! It does feel strange having our old stuff in a new place, our blue sofa in a new lounge (which needed a bit of sledgehammer help on day one to make it fit) our interesting ornaments accompanying us from one shelf to another and I'm pretty sure the husband tactically misplaced some items in the move. 

I remember asking people for advice, as to whether we should move or not, a pendulum swinging with pros and cons. I can mentally play out the tearful, "you should go, but we don't want you to" responses. I remember wanting to have an obvious Neon flashing sign telling us what to do. I remember the lack of peace and literally feeling sick from not knowing; such an unsettling season, but one we know grew us in new ways as a couple and in trusting God. We took wise counsel hearing that sometimes God asks us for obedience, which can actually be easier than the times where He ask us to choose. And sometimes we simply have to see where faith leads us and where faith settles.

I look back on the big prayers I sent up to God, (accompanied by tears and fasting) in regard to the teens - moving teenagers who were knitted into their communities and happy with their Brighton lives. I didn't want them to be damaged in any way by the move, happy for challenges to grow them, but not for the whole experience to break their relationship with mum and dad or with God. I watched as God answered a specific prayer for one of them, and I remember the day the pendulum stopped moving, and we knew our hearts had settled on going. The pain of telling people was no less easy, but knowing our hearts and minds were settled, were at peace, helped us with the trickier parts. 

We came to realise that when buying and selling a house, people have unnerving strories to tell. A bit like labour, everyone has a unique, sometimes terifying narrative! Keeping the house tidy for viewings was a particularly stressful time for one of us in this marriage and a joy bringer to the other! (Similiar to when I got Ofsteded as a Childminder) but we did manage to do a really good de-clutter. Stacey Solomon would have been proud. 

We ended up moving into a temporary home, waiting for our Brighton house to go through. Now the last time we were in temporary accomodation was when we were made homeless and ended up in Eastbourne, but that is another story for another day! This time, we found ourselves in the beautiful home of a couple from our new church. They very generously housed a family of five with spacious bedrooms, cooked meals, card games, and real warmth. Different family members were blessed further by Sky Sports, panda curtains, cornflake apple crumble and a tea tap (well a boiling water tap). They got to witness some raw moments as we processed the move as a family, and they let us help decorate their Christmas tree! A very special home from home, when we needed it.

We moved into our new house two months ago today! People near and far have been very kind with practical help, cards, gifts, flowers, and even postal brownies and cookies. And now we are making this new house our home. The husband has built a wardrobe, a spice rack and a book shelf and I have searched Facebook marketplace for new dining room chairs. The littlest has Panda-ised her bedroom, the oldest has covered his floor in tools. We have shared pancakes and meals at our table, with people who have known us forever and those we are just getting to know. We have had sons and wives come to visit, and have made ourselves known to the neighbours... a funny mix of old and new.

As Spring starts, and Easter gives us the promise of new life, you can't help but wonder what will be? Who will we get to know? What stories will be told? What tears will be shed over a cuppa? What extra mouths will we end up feeding? Whose hearts will bond with ours? Who will stay over? Who will move in? Who will move out? What will get broken here and what will get mended? 

There is a famous Bible verse which says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29v11 

We are trusting God that He knows what He is doing. He knows what He is doing with us, what He is growing in us and what He will use us for. We are trusting that He has already thought things through. He has plans for us. He has plans for this household, for this home, for the new chairs around the kitchen table. He has plans for those we left behind and even for teenagers. He doesn't always let us in on the details of those plans, but He does ask us to follow His ways. He's not surprised by circumstances or left wondering what will happen next. His desire is to prosper us, not to harm us. He may well challenge us and grow us along the way, but He has hope for us and a future. Wow, what an encouragement, what a standing we have, what security. It means that when we don't know what the plan is, God does. When we are asking about the 'how comes', the 'what ifs' and the 'whys',  we may not get a flashing Neon sign but we know God is faithful, He can be trusted, He wants good for us and He will direct us, whether we move or whether we stay right where where we are. 

The Truth Will Set You Free

So last night along with over 11 million others, we tuned into the Celebrity Traitors final and it did not disappoint. TV Gold! As we all gathered around the TV, it reminded me of childhood moments where we would eat our dinner on wicker edged trays in front of the tele, for a night of Gladiators or You've been framed or even more recently, Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. In a fast paced world where we can binge a whole series at the touch of a button, where we can skip the adverts, or swipe to something more entertaining, it was really nice to have to wait for something. Explaining to the kids that this was what it was like in the olden days when we were young, just brings them to despair.

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, our youngest hasn't been staying up to watch it with us. She has played catch up the following day, so I can talk into it or skip the Wailing Banshees. Apparently last night, she heard us scream and shout at the television while she was in bed (with good reason, I might add). This morning she watched it before school, because she didn't want to hear the result elsewhere. I watched her as she watched the drama unfold, making the same comments and assumptions that I had made the night before. Then the moment for the red or green flames came. That 3rd green flame popped onto the screen and she gasped, leapt out of her seat and grabbed her face. Then silence, as she stood in shock wondering how this had just happened. It reminded me of when I first watched Frozen; a friend of mine watched me as it was revealed that Hans wasn't in fact a love interest, who finished Anna's sandwiches. He was indeed, in every sense a traitor. 

As we gathered my youngest's bags together for school, she honed in on Alan's tears. Why had he got so upset? Hurrah, I love it when TV throws up questions and ponderings that I can answer with a Biblical framework. I asked her how she felt when she knew she was lying to me or to dad. She said she was unsure what the feeling was but it was in her belly and she wanted to put her head in the pillow and cry. There is, or at least should be, something quite unsettling about lying and deceiving people. This is what Alan's tears were about. The game had made him lie to people, lie about people, and hurt friends even. He had to throw them out of a game they were enjoying, not quite a literal stab people in the back but emotionally pretty much so. The game required him to push the blame, talk about people, cause people to doubt, trick people and see one of them put in a coffin. A lot to shoulder personally, but brilliant to watch.

Carrying that level of deceit was a burden for him. I guess in a way, it spoke of Alan's character outside of the show, the fact that it upset him that much to lie to people and deceive them. We have all been on the recieving end of betrayal or lies spoken about us. It's a horrible feeling, and Alan was the one having to do that. Even in a game format, with his humour, great jackets and witty comments, that was a heavy weight to bear. We often speak to the kids about telling the truth, because lies break relationship. We use Lego to talk about the effect of lies. When Lego is put together it builds something beautiful, something cool, fun and strong which is what we hope for with our relationships with our kids. When there is deceit and lies, it breaks that beautiful thing. We break the Lego at this point to show the point visibly. Thankfully both Lego and trust in relationships can be re-built. (Not all relationships can or should be rebuilt of course, but forgiveness of betrayal is a healthy aim and an antedote to bitterness).

I told my youngest that Alan in that moment, was finally able to share the burden he had been carrying and say sorry for it. He was able to be honest and truthful which came as a huge relief to him. The remaining faithfuls had to somehow process their own dealings with betrayal whilst comforting their friend, and reminding him it was a game well played I shared this Bible verse with her; "...you will know the truth and the truth will set you free". John 8v32. I spoke about how telling the truth especially after a previous lie, brings freedom. In this case, the Bible verse beforehand is actually talking about knowing God's word, knowing the Bible, and living according to it. This is the truth which brings freedom. Freedom from the burden of

 sin, freedom from death, freedom from condemnation, freedom from the law. I guess that is what I was aiming to do when I brought Biblical truth to my youngest this morning. It's also the reason that her name means Truth. We want nothing less for her. 

100% Faithful

I recieved an email notification saying that someone had commented on one of my blog posts. I was keen to see who I had encouraged, who I had passed some wisdom onto, who was grateful for my writing and keen to tell me how I had blessed them. I was quickly humbled when I saw that the comment was from a company asking if I needed an affordable reliable toothbrush supplier in India. They had clearly not even read the blog post, and I clearly do not need to bulk order toothbrushes in India. 

This wasn't even my most humbling moment with the blog. I was once at a Christian ladies conference, where the guest speaker had said how encouraging and thought-provoking she had found my blog to be. It was a blessing to her as she read it in the early hours of the morning with a little one in arms. Wow! In the break at said conference, someone informed me that they didn't get what all the hype was in regards to One Pink Toothbrush. They actually found the posts quite boring and reading them had literally caused them to fall asleep. They smiled as they said it, and they meant no offence of course. None taken of course, as I removed the dagger from my back! 

And do you know what that got me thinking about? Traitors! Ha - a tenious link, but one I'm not ashamed to use. I am obsessed as are millions of other people, so it seems. Some people have even been known to dress up as Claudia; the fingerless gloves, the fringe, the eyeliner, the wintery style. A huge round of applause for the casting; actual known celebrities, rather than hopeful wannabes. Even Claudia is in awe; watching well known faces voluntarily dunk those well known faces into wells of cold water. Watching them jump off of bridges hoping that all is still in tact. You've got theatrics, drama, horse-led funerals, Tom Daley's side eye, the big-dog theory, a passionate Scotsman, unlikely friendships, the farting incident, and of course Alan looking conspicuous in everything he says and does. It's TV gold, and we can't even binge it. We've all been forced into weekly viewings, scheduling our diaries, our families, to be available for the next episode. 

One of my daughters watches it the following day as 9pm is a little on the late side for her, and I like to know what is coming up so I know what to skip past. For example, as funny as the Screaming Banshees were, (from the vocalist who recorded them to the legendary Celia copying them) my little one's active imagination would not have allowed her to settle into a restful night's sleep. I want her to engage with the people, the competition and the fun, not the eerily weird, dark element that is a far cry from her usual viewing.

As you know, I do like to bring the Bible into my parenting whenever I can, especially in regards to TV viewing. It's too good an opportunity to waste, but it would have been particularly annoying for the adults I have been watching the series with. They may well have given me the side eye too. So I asked what Biblical themes we could remind ourselves of. We started strong with, "Do not murder". Or more precisely, do not plan someone's murder, while in a green cloak and laughing about it from a tower. We discussed lying to people, lying and gossipping about people, lying and gossipping and causing others to do the same. Ha, there really is a lot in there once you get started. A frequent subject to discuss with the kids is in regards to judging others. As Christians, we may do things differently to others, hold different views on things, but Jesus talks a lot about not judging people. In Traitors, everyone is judging everyone all the time, based on what they see or hear or percieve or thought they heard or previosuly knew about the person, or even how they enter the breakfast room. One judgement that we have collectively agreed on, is that the Faithfuls have been useless at finding Traitors. An easy judgement to make from the comfort of our own sofas.

In the programme, when someone is rewarded with the Sheild, they are protected. Alan can't send them off to their demise as he laughs in the tower. (Brilliant viewing, but makes no sense if you haven't watched it.) The Bible talks about God being our protector, shielding us from evil. The shield of faith is in action when we choose to trust God. Our greatest reward is not through something we have achieved or earned, or dug in our own grave. We have the shield of Protection because of what Jesus has done for us. 

And finally... wait for it... Jesus is 100% Faithful. It's cheesy but it's true. 

Not so much in the celebrity version of this show, but usually the contestants are stating how faithful they are. They are completely faithful, utterly faithful. They are 100% faithful. They are the most faithful that has ever been faithful. They swear on their mums. They swear on their kids (which coincidentally is another Biblical topic to look into). Some of them are indeed faithfuls as they say these things. And some of those swearing to be faithfuls, aren't even faithful at all. Maybe they are 'Faithful to the Traitors' as Jonathan Ross wonderfully declared. Are any of them truly, completely faithful? Can any one of us say that we are? Think about your favourite faithful from this current series; (mine was the passioante Scot) they will have still got things wrong in their lives. They will have let people down, maybe even hurt them. Pretty sure they haven't mudered anyone. But just like you and me, there will be stuff... the sin, the bagagge, the regrets, the pain, the betrayal. What they need, what we all need is someone who has not one blemish to their name, one who was actually murdered, who stood in our place, a sinless Saviour; one who is unchanging, true to His word and keeps all His promises. One who is the ultimate Faithful.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness". Lamentations 3v22-23

POV

Perspective is a wonderful thing. Me and the husband are about to embark on a new adventure, which feels massive, huge, far too big, painful and a little ridiculous even. We are packing up our home, taking on the task of cross-cultural mission, and moving to Surrey! In some ways it's really not too big of a difference. We are moving an hour and a half away (an hour and 15 if the husband is driving). We are moving to a similar church to the one we are leaving, with a great kids ministry, a vibrant youth work and a heart for the poor. Schools with uniforms, streets with houses, a local football team and a Primark. 

Some of the differences feel too hard to comprehend - no seaside, no students and no Lidl. I mean, what a test of faith that will be. Do I go over to the other side, and embrace Aldi or is Waitrose the new me? (Spoiler alert - no. No it's not quite). 

From my point of view, leaving two or three sons and their gorgeous ladies behind is quite big. Familiy dinners will no longer be all of us together, twice a week. My heart breaks a little when I dwell on this, so we will move swiftly past it. Leaving the church that we have been part of for nearly 25 years also sits on the fairly big side of things. Reflecting back on all God has done; friendships made, lives lived together, services led, meetings hosted, preaches crafted, griefs grieved, joys celebrated. Leaving the community that we have raised our kids in for the last 20 years is also on the bigger side of things. The friendly nods, the 'stop and chats' at the middle park or at Mulberrys, the snow-day sledges, the wrongful arrests, the kids growing up, Dave's music box, and the sense of just being known. Saying Goodbye to the Primary school after 17 years was quite emotional last week. 

And packing up our wonderful home, ah that will pull on the ol' heart strings. If I had a pound for every mug of tea enjoyed at my kitchen table, a pound for every pair of trainers we have gone through, for every friend who has popped in, for every teenager who has been welcomed, for every Lego model we have made, for every cold compress applied, for every head injury sustained, for every play fight gone wrong, for every Weetabix eaten, for every dish dropped, for every doll dressed, for every football lost, for every movie watched, for every meal served, for every dummy hidden, for every laugh had, for every Bible story told, for every dance-off had, for every game won, for every vegetable not eaten, for every sock stolen, for every time the table was extended, I'd be a rich lady indeed.  

And that is what perspective brings. From my point of view, I am rich, abundantly rich in every blessing there has been in this home, in this church, in this community. I have known of God's goodness, His faithfilness, His provision. I have so much to be grateful for. I am moving from one place of security to another. I am free to worship God and proclaim him. My children are safe, the ones coming with us and the ones staying. I am not crossing the Red Sea or living in the Wilderness. I am not living in fear. I am trusting the God of the past, the present and the future. From my point of view, to be adventuring with Him is the best thing any of us can do.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are yiur ways my ways" declares the Lord. "As the Heavens are higher than the Earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts". Isaiah 55v8-9

Think About It

I have just got back from a couple of days at a conference. The conference was called Think. This is partly of course, because it really stretches your mind, gets the ol' grey matter working. But thankfully for me, I like to think it is called Think, because someone else has done a lot of the thinking for me. Hurrah! A dear friend of mine runs the conference, and despite him calling me names from the stage, (a sign of endearment on his part) he did and usually does do, a splendid job of communicating. 

He is one of those people who provokes you to use the word spendid in a blog post, because you want to better your language skills around him. He is one of those people who can communicate some mind-baffling Biblical concepts in a way that doesn't make you feel stupid, (even if you have to look up some of the words he is using*). And boy does he use a lot of words, which I know is rich coming from me! He is one of those people who can engage the cleverest mind in the room, as well as those people who use the word cleverest in a sentence. He is one of those people who does all the thinking, in order to get you thinking, about what God was thinking. Ultimately he takes you from thinking about Jesus, to being full of awe of our Lord and Saviour.

It is always wonderful when you see someone in their lane, doing the thing that God created them to do. And do you know what I kept thinking about at the Think conference? His mum. I met her, she's lovely. There must have been a period of time where this man as a young boy, would have listened to his mum read the Bible to him, explain the gospel to him, teach the meaning of Righteousness to him, explore the Scriptures with him, model forgiveness to him, sing cheesy christian songs with him. I'm not sure if her repertoire included building Jericho out of wafer biscuits, like mine does, but I bet she got him to dwell on higher things. I bet she got him to think.

A mother running in her lane, doing the thing that God created her to do, is a most splendid thing indeed. To communicate Biblical concepts to a child, to let them know that God knows their name, that He created them, He loves them, He sent His son to die for them, He forgives them, He has plans for them, He thinks about them, is no small thing. Do we always feel like it, no. Do we feel qualified, no. Do we have the energy, no. Do they ask unanswerable questions, yes. Are we riddled with guilt when we don't, yes. 

But do we want them to think about greater things, which lead them to being filled with awe? Yes, we most definately want that for them. 

Jesus' own mum had quite the response to being told what was in her lane, the task set before her. "I am the Lord's servant" she worshipfully said. There are aspects of mumming which we may not have seen coming when we first thought about it. In hindsight, we can but wonder what it was even like, to be the Saviour of the world's mum. Likewise, I am quite certain that my clever friend's mum raised her eyes Heavenward at times and said, 'really, this one'. But with God's help and grace, we do our bit. We say 'Yes Lord, I will be your servant, I will teach this little one about you. I will get them to think about it, and I will trust the rest of it to you'.

*Polyvalent - (adj); having multiple meanings, functions, or forms; capable of being interpreted or applied in various ways, depending on content.

**Kipper - as in Yom Kippur, the day of Atonment. Not Kipper the fish or Kipper the dog. (Some people ask silly questions at these events. Me - I am some people).