This week me and the husband celebrated fifteen years of marriage. Well let's just say we reached fifteen years of marriage. We didn't exactly celebrate. This photo was taken with a Lemsip in hand for Him and in between frequent visits to the loo for me. We managed a smile, and a laugh. We didn't go in for a kiss. Marriage may be about sharing, but he didn't want what I had! We were in bed for 9pm, for nothing other than hoods up, bed socks on and asleep by 9:30pm. Living the dream.
Last year, we celebrated in Rome! The husband often asks me what 'number out of ten' do I think our marriage is at, right now? It's a brave question. I mean, if I've cried that day and it was possibly his fault, or he was just vaguely to blame, then that number is going to be low. And if I've had a cup of tea in bed that morning, I might go way high. There's nothing to base my answer on apart from just how I feel in the moment. And he knows that about me. He then asks me, "what would get it to a ten?" This particular time, instead of the answer he may have been expecting like, "text me back in the day/change more nappies", I said "take me to European cities, without the kids". Short and simple.
So that's what we have been doing, when we can arrange the military operation that is the babysitting of 6 kids. (Thank you to all who have taken part in this operation #grandparents #church #friends #schoolmums. You know I appreciate you). It's now in our budget planning, as is family holidaying.
The husband rarely changes what would make it a 10 for him, (when I'm brave enough to ask the question back). He wants more sex, more respect and more words of affirmation. Repeat.
The first time we went anywhere, was Barcelona, 5 years ago. Love that city, and sad for its recent pain. We realised once more, how wonderfully different God has made us to be. The husband is the 'let's do lots of things and see lots of things and go to lots of places, with a timed schedule' kind of person, and I'm more of the 'Mojito in one hand, on the beach, what's a schedule?' kind of person. Ah Barcelona, the first time I ever swore at my husband. In short, there had been a 'miscommunication' about a market, so I swore at him. Oh I was so angry. We were on hire bikes at the times, so after my first (of still a few) swears at the love of my life, I cycled off in a triumphant huff. Except that I was in a different city, and didn't know my way round, so I had to cycle just far enough in front, to make sure he was still close behind me.
So Rome was last year. We hired segways and went on a tour of Rome to find out interesting things about the city, which one of us was really interested in. The husband of course, nailed it on his first try and I embarrassingly just went backwards with the tour guide telling me to thrust my hips forward.
So our fourteenth year seemed more of a celebration than our fifteenth year. But that's what marriage is like; walking the ups and downs with each other, the highs and the lows, the tears and the joy.
The longer we are married, the more different we realise we are. The husband is ever so focussed, methodical, tidy, good at time keeping, scheduled, ordered, you know the type who like the Tupperware lids to match the Tupperware boxes, with no spares required. And I'm more the 'so there isn't a lid which fits, let's use cling film, and wrap it in a carrier bag' type. I do not understand his ways, although I see the benefits and he does not understand mine. And as we tell any couple we meet with, it's a different way of doing things not a wrong way.
Also the longer we are married, the more we have a glimpse of what this 'mystery of marriage' is all about. In short, it's about living selflessly, giving to the other, loving unconditionally, putting them first, leaning into their preference, putting their needs above your own, whilst encouraging them, spurring them on, and forgiving quickly. It is of course an image of the gospel. Jesus came to Earth, to love and to serve, to rescue and to save, to deny Himself in order to put us first. Was it easy? Loving us definitely was, and is. But I don't think dying on a cross, and being separated from His father was easy. It was a sacrifice. It literally took blood, sweat and tears. He didn't just step out of His comfort zone, He stepped out of Heaven, humbled Himself, to put us first.
And that is what marriage is meant to be a reflection of. Bit of a challenge if you ask me. I get a miffed when the husband doesn't put me first. I hear my kids say what I'm literally thinking, "muuuum he's not being selfless to me". My tantrums just come out a bit differently; a slightly slammed drawer (although ours have that annoying soft close effect), a stoney silence, a raised eyebrow, a huff, a shake of the head. Maybe for some, it's a shout, a swear or a walk out. We see our kids tantrums for what they are, but ignore our own because they're usually a bit more civilised than rolling on the floor screaming. (For some of us anyway).
I said earlier that marriage was about sharing. I don't actually believe that. Marriage isn't about give & take or being fair, or 50:50. It's actually about loving the other person with a gospel love. And that takes hard work, a lot of forgiving, and a daily reliance on God to help. Sometimes marriage requires other people to speak into it. We've had to meet with another couple before, when we're not able to see past hurt or bickering. It's humbling but well worth it for the strengthening of our marriage, and for the benefit of our kids, and ultimately strong marriages are a blessing to the church, and the community.
I can now see when the husband secretly wants to throttle me, but chooses love instead. And hopefully he can see when I'm putting him first, albeit through teeth. We haven't nailed or perfected marriage. Maybe ten out of ten happens after 60years or something, but we do enjoy marriage immensely, and laugh at each other a lot. So here's to the next fifteen...
"This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband".