How do you get back into blogging, when you haven't blogged for a few months? How do you know where to start? How do you know where to pitch the returning blog post? How do you know if you still have anything to say? How do you stick with the advice given by a friend many years ago - to be honest and real in my blogging, but not 'woe is me', and never 'hey, look at my perfect life'?!
I have always tried to live by his advice for the blog, and right now I am aware I could easily write a 'woe is me' post, go for the sympathy vote; maybe it would help me process some stuff, maybe a mum somewhere will relate, but does it help lift a mum's eyes to the Lord? Does it bring life or encouragement? Does it do what the blog was intended for, all those years ago?!
So I will start by highlighting a mum friend of mine who had a bit of a crazy adventure a few weeks ago; my friend Annie swam the Channel. The actual Channel. She swam from England to France! She's a nurse and is raising money for our local Children's Hospital. I drove to Lidl (and back) on the same day, while she swam to France. Us mums have different wins to celebrate!
In a brilliant interview, Annie was asked why she decided to swim the Channel. She said she was at a low point in her life; she had had an operation on her knee, marriage was a bit tense, she had had a miscarriage, her youngest was starting school, so she was feeling a bit lost and it just all felt a bit bleak. So she decided to have an adventure. To do something. I must admit when life is feeling a bit bleak for me, I tend to comfort eat and veg out. I have never in all my bleakness decided to swim anywhere.
Annie spoke about how it's easier to say yes to something than to actually do it, but the training began and her hardest moment was swimming Lake Windermere. She said there was a moment when half way across, she had had enough, she didn't want to swim anymore, she didn't see the point in what she was doing, she was sad and cold. It all felt stupid and ridiculous and just too much; the water was shallow and she knew she could just stand up, call it a day, and give up. Annie was reminded of a beautiful rainbow just before she started the swim; a reminder that God was with her every stroke. He had put swimming in her, as something for her to be free in, to enjoy and to bring Him glory with. Annie's husband and her friend in the boat alongside her, encouraged her just to go to the next tree, the next rock, just to go to the next bit until she crossed the whole lake, bit by bit.
I was so encouraged when I heard this interview, and fairly teary. I guess my Lake Windermere moment, was my mum being in hospital for 10 weeks, my brother being diagnosed with a cancerous lump in his leg, one of my kids going through a hard time, the general weight of pandemic related stuff, the lack of church, and a weariness in it all, especially in my Christian walk. It all felt just too much. It felt shallow, yet deep enough to drown in. I felt sad and cold. Or maybe the present tense is more approriate; I feel sad and cold.
I was encouraged that perseverance doesn't always look like swimming a whole lake or a whole channel, it sometimes looks like just taking the next stroke, just doing the next bit in front of you. Annie said that she had come to realise that hard doesn't mean stop, it might just mean go slow for a bit. Hard isn't always bad, and cold isn't always bad either.
For me, the next thing in front of me, the not-quite-so-big challenge has just been to daily read scripture on my phone, before I do anything else. Before I read texts, or check emails, or scroll through social media, or look at the diary, or go through my 'To Dos', I read from where I left off yesterday. I highlight a verse that might stick out, sometimes I type a one sentence prayer, but I mainly just read, the next bit and then the next bit. Sometimes it feels a bit cold and shallow, but the rainbows are in there; the reminders of God's faithfulness to me, that He is with me, that He's not fed up with me, that He hears my cries, that His goodness and mercy follow me, that His love abounds, that His Grace is sufficient...
"If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself". 2 Timothy2v13