Mothering Young

This is my friend's testimony, and is the ninth post in the Mothering series.

As I reached the age of 12/13, I decided I would attend my parents' church still but I didn't want to believe simply because my parents did, that was then I drifted away. I spent 3years making bad choices and mixing with friends that weren't healthy. I had been very independent, doing life my own way. At 15, whilst struggling with severe depression, I got into a messy relationship and just after my 16th birthday I discovered I was single and pregnant.

I eventually got my head around the idea of being a single mum just before my 20week scan, which I chose to attend alone in an attempt to prove to myself I was capable of being a good independent mother. I was incredibly excited to hear the news of the sex of my child, but the scan also revealed that my daughter was going to be born with a cleft lip and pallet. Right there and then my world fell apart. 

Heartbroken, after many tear filled nights, I allowed my mum to speak into my life and pray over her unborn grandchild. My mum and I had always had a rocky relationship but during my pregnancy she was amazing, and I could see God's love displayed in her kindness, forgiveness and generosity. 

I realised I really needed God and started to pray over my daughter and accepted Jesus back into my life to take over the mess I'd found myself in.  As I prayed that Alarna would be healed I felt God speak very clearly for the first time, He told me that Alarna wouldn't be healed but that He would be by my side through the process, and from that moment I really did feel His presence with me. I suppose it’s then that I first gave Him my heart fully and trusted him in all things.

Over the next few months I had numerous scans and lots of trips to several different hospitals, still heartbroken that I was alone and unable to enjoy a 'normal' pregnancy. I got lots of dirty looks from people as my belly grew, but I didn't care. And after a long and traumatic labour I finally met Alarna Lily-Grace for the very first time. That feeling was incredible although it really wasn't how I had dreamt it to be. Alarna had an incredibly severe bilateral cleft lip and palate, which meant I was unable to bond with her through breast feeding and instead I had to express and feed via tubes and special bottles for 9months. I felt very disconnected from her. 

Being a young mum did come about as a total shock and through the pregnancy/1st year I was in total denial and I didn't feel I bonded well with Alarna at all. I kept busy. So many people said I wouldn't make it, that I'd hate it and life would be a struggle. They weren't wrong and those words have stayed with me, but I used that as a good thing and fought hard to constantly prove myself. I went back to work and college when she was 5weeks old and expressed breast milk and until 9months. The hardest thing was expressing in the college toilets whilst my girl friends were reapplying there makeup! 

When taking her out in public, I had never expected how tough it would be to hear some of the comments muttered and try to ignore the stares she got. Alarna had weekly hospital appointments in special units and had to endure 4 operations in her first 10months, each time her smile and cry changed dramatically. Having to hold my tiny little girl down as she had to be put under a general anaesthetic was a horrible pain I suffered regularly during her first year, each time being handed back a child that looked so different from the child that I had handed over to be operated on. It was during times like these I felt so lonely not having a partner to share the feelings I had for my daughter. Things were tough.  I'd failed my GCSE's and my future looked bleak.

Within a few months of going along to a friend's church, I met Nathan there and we cautiously started dating. Nathan and Alarna instantly hit it off. I found it hard to force myself to trust Nathan and rely on him for comfort and support, but he was amazing and stepped up to the plate.


Roughly 18months later we got married, moved in to our first house together and Nathan legally adopted Alarna. 

As a couple we had our share of ups and down; dating whilst caring for an under one year old, walking down the aisle with a toddler and being newly weds with a non napping child. Despite this it was great to be a proper family, and our first year we felt God was close, we were blessed and things were good. When we discovered we would be unable to conceive another child naturally, or through IVF, my world began to crumble again and I doubted the last two years of Gods faithfulness. I was devastated, upset, angry even, that things hadn't worked the way I wanted and I turned my back on God again.

Godly couples surrounded us and tried their best to support us in what can only be described as an incredibly painful time. After a year I'd had enough, I wanted our relationship back and I decided it was time to speak to God again.  I poured my heart out to Him; all my pain and anger and once again He comforted me. Often I struggled with getting the words out so I'd write my feelings on paper like a letter to God. He took me back to the time I first called upon Him, pregnant and alone, and reminded me that life doesn’t go the way we plan but that He has far greater plans. I decided that if we were to never have another child, I would be ok with whatever God had in store. I know His plans are far greater, even though I do want to be a mum again.

When I gave birth to Alarna I realised that God had saved me from a life that could have been so much worse had I continued the path I was on. I was His child and He'd comforted, cared for and protected me more than I knew I deserved. Alarna is now in year 1 at school and after a rocky start has settled in well and been discharged from most hospital appointments including speech therapy. Alarna is such a testimony to Gods faithfulness. She has battled through so much in her five years and has blossomed through it all. She still suffers with the odd comment from small children and battles through things on a day to day basis that others don’t have to, but she's happy & confident, doing incredibly well at school and has an incredible acceptance of people from all walks of life! 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29v11

This verse helps, whatever is going on in my life; good or bad, stressed or relaxed, wealthy or skint, God's in it all. He's there and He's my friend. I can confide in Him at all times and He will comfort me. The more time I spend with Him, the deeper our friendship. He not only loves me but he likes me too.