Mothering Twins

This is an interview with a friend of mine and is the fourth in the Mothering series...

How did you react when you found out you were having twins?

We found out at the 12 week scan and obviously were just hoping that the 'baby' was healthy. When we were told there were two babies in there, our initial reaction was shock! For me it was very exciting news to receive, I felt really special straight away, knowing that God doesn't make mistakes and must know we could handle it. Then I remember asking James how we'd get a double buggy through our front door?! We left the hospital muttering "Wow" every few yards. We definitely felt that it was a huge blessing.

How did your son Frank deal with the double addition? 

After the excitement my thoughts turned to Frank. He was just over a year at the time and I knew the babies would make quite an impact. Newborns obviously take up a lot of attention but 2 of them would mean making extra effort to spend time with Frank and make him feel special.

How was your pregnancy?

 I felt really sick for the first  20 weeks. That was so hard. We had just moved house and I was a nightmare. James would come home from work in London and do most of the cooking, cleaning, unpacking boxes that I'd left- I had no motivation which is really unlike me. James had A LOT of grace for me at that time!

The twins are identical and shared 1 placenta (blood supply/oxygen) which meant we had to go to hospital every 2 weeks so the specialist could scan and check for something called 'twin to twin transfusion', (a rare condition that occurs in identical twins which causes one baby to take more blood/oxygen than the other). If one started to grow disproportionately larger then the doctors would need to intervene and operate as the weaker baby could die if not. So every couple of weeks we would be praying that all was well with the babies. Always such a relief to leave the hospital after hearing everything was fine with them both. 

I was concerned about the delivery. I wasn't allowed to have them naturally because of the twin to twin transfusion issue which is a big risk with a natural birth, so the specialist booked me in for a c-section. Not only was I scared about the operation but also the fact that I wouldn't be able to lift Frank once the babies were born and I wanted to be there for him. I was also concerned about feeding them.

 I had breast fed Frank and wanted the same for the twins but unless I fed them at the same time (tandem feeding) I would be sat there for hours.

Did you think you'd cope with two?

James was and is such a great man. It was never a case of "would I cope?" as he was so supportive and had committed to being there for me and Frank. We went to a twin consultant we knew from church who was a midwife and is a mum of twins, and she prepared us for what to expect. Our parents live roughly 3 hours away from Brighton so neither set of grandparents would be around day to day. It was clear that this would be a team effort for us both. I knew we would cope. I knew that God had given us these babies and we needed to trust Him if we were to enjoy the experience.

When they were born, what were your fears and feelings?

As soon as they were born, Jude was taken up to Special Care as his blood sugar was very low. I was high on morphine so not really aware of the seriousness of the situation. Once I came round it was quite upsetting to just have one of my babies with me. Jude's blood sugar had returned to normal (nurses blamed a faulty machine for the original reading but we knew better). He was stable but being fed through a tube while I was breast feeding Seb, so it was disheartening and sad that I couldn't be with him too. The next day we asked the nurse looking after Jude if he could come down to be with us while family visited and she agreed. We prayed that Jude would start breast feeding so he could stay with me and he did. So from then on I started tandem feeding which went really well.

What was tough & What was a delight? 

My mum stayed with us for the first 5 weeks which was a great help-especially with Frank. He was 22 months so quite a tricky age. During those first few weeks I found it really tough at times. Tracy, the twin consultant we'd seen during pregnancy, was available if I needed to call for advice which was such a help. When I doubted myself or didn't know what to do, she reminded me that I'd done it all before with Frank and that I was a great mum. I got engorged quite a few times which was so painful and I found it really upsetting and stressful because I needed both breasts for feeding. If ever it happened, usually in the middle of the night, James would wake up and pray with me. It never turned into Mastitis. I remember one time my boob felt like a brick and after James prayed for it, it completely softened and I could feed normally again.

Walking around town with a double buggy was fun. We felt like celebrities. We'd get stopped all the time by people who wanted to see the babies or tell us about their own twins or someone they knew who had twins. Some people made you want to give up there and then with the "Oooh, rather you than me" or "Double trouble" comments. Even though we'd found a buggy that fitted through our front door, getting into some shops or cafes was a mission. I learned quickly which places to go for coffee that accommodated us!

In the early weeks I didn't leave the house much. Lots of feeding, changing and spending time with Frank. Once I'd got into a routine I would go out between feeds. We live in the centre of Brighton in the North Laine so it was easy to leave the house and in minutes be in touch with civilisation! I don't think I'd have coped so well getting in and out of a car with a toddler and 2 babies every time I needed to go out. 

What practically worked for you? 

We found that having them share a cot for the first few months was great. They'd been in such close contact pre-birth, it was a good idea to keep them close once they were out. One interesting thing was that you can leave one baby crying next to the other and the other one won't stir. Apparently twins are comforted by hearing each other making a noise. So we learnt not to tip toe around them or rush in if they were crying while settling themselves. They were so cute lying side by side; once we found Seb sucking Jude's thumb!

I would usually make decisions based on what made my life easier. I figured that if I was happy and peaceful then the children would be. So things like dummies were good. Not stressing about what to feed Frank, if he didn't want to eat vegetables or had pasta and cheese 3 days in a row it was no big deal. We got a cleaner for a while. I really love having a clean home but didn't have the time or energy to clean the house properly so that was definitely a good decision. We learned to say 'no' a lot. We had to be quite selfish with our time in order to survive. Routine was good for us all. I had bought the Gina Ford book for twins but 2 chapters in I was crying and felt like I was getting it all wrong. So I got rid of the book. I went with the much more achievable 'EASY' routine - Eat, Activity, Sleep, You (which basically means the bit when you do all the washing).

Did you dress them the same? 

We have never dressed Seb and Jude the same. In fact we never call them the twins. They are 2 people with 2 different personalities and identities and I think that dressing them differently has helped them to be confident and independent. Having an older brother has meant that they're less 'twinny' which we're happy about, although we know that having twins is very special. Now that they're 5, they dress themselves and sometimes choose similar clothes, but that's fine as it's their choice. At school they are in the same class so Seb wears a grey jumper and Jude wears a yellow one. We also get their hair cut differently. 

Did you get any time with God during the first year?

During the first year I rarely sat down and spent time with God but knew that He was with me in everything and I would ask Him stuff all the time. Lots of SOS prayers in the early weeks! James was so good, always praying for me and supporting me when I needed it. I think I spent a lot of the first year feeling so grateful for what God had given me; an amazing husband and 3 wonderful sons, the convenience of us living so close to town, supportive friends and family. I often just gave God glory for all these things.

What did having twins do to your marriage? 

Having twins has been a real blessing on our marriage. It definitely brought us even closer together. I needed James so much with the kids and we became a real team. We still are. God spoke to us about wanting us to do things together. So now even though we're not in a crazy feeding, nappy phase, we still love being together and doing things together whenever we can. 

Any worship songs or verses which strengthened you?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3v5-6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4v6-7

What excites you/worries you about their future?

I don't really worry about their future. I'm excited for them. I do hope that the 3 of them remain as close with each other as they are now. I hope they're a blessing and a joy to those around them like they are now. I hope and pray that they continue to love God with all their hearts and that they have lives full of fun!

What has having twins taught you about kids? About yourself? About God?

I suppose having twins taught me that you just don't know what God has in store for you. Ha! The last thing I thought I was going to hear was that there were 2 little babies growing inside me. God has a unique plan for my life and it's not like anyone else's, and when I don't know what to do next I can ask Him who crafted that plan. I've learned that when I feel like I can't do it or I'm in doubt, to lean on Him as He is their Father before I am their mum and that they've been given to me to look after but ultimately they're His. He's trusted me with them and it's amazing to have Him with me all the time to tell me what to do. I love thinking about how much the boys love me and trust me and ask me for things and how God wants me to be like that with Him. They are always a reminder of the relationship that God wants with me. 

Mothering at Christmas

Continuing the Mothering series...

I remember when I was a child, hearing grown ups say strange things like " well, that year flew past" and thinking that comment was just silly. Well, I guess I'm officially a grown up now, because that year did indeed fly past and we've just had Christmas again.

Mothering at this time of year is a highly skilled, multi tasking role (as it is the whole year round really). You need to have some organisation skills, not my strongest point but even I need to get this one down. You need to know your best window of opportunity to go into town. You need to go when you've got the least amount of kids, leaving enough time for the school run and fitting in a baby feed. You need to make the 'bus with a buggy' decision or face the car park queue. You need to know your children well enough to know what presents to buy within the budget you've set. You need to explain to the husband why stocking presents are completely different to main presents. You then need to make the time to hide the presents, find the presents, wrap the presents and label the presents. 

You also have the sheer joy of seeing the kids' Christmas plays, what a delight! Time you'll never get back. You and the husband have to try to only laugh at the right times, and not all the way through it. You have to buy enough food and decide whether you're going to force the kids to try sprouts this year. And Mothering at Christmas seems to involve buying multiple bottles of Calpol.


You have to remind the kids and yourself what Christmas is actually about; an all powerful God, humbling Himself to baby status in order to rescue the world from their sin. You have to remind them that we give gifts, because God gave Jesus to us. And you have to train the kids to be grateful with the gifts they receive, which my boys did well to their credit. It's amusing over the Christmas season when any new adult walks in the door, they get asked the "have you got us a present" question, with me quickly behind them telling them not to be so cheeky. But their expectation of a gift got me thinking about how we are to be with our Heavenly Father. He has multiple gifts for us, and He wants us to cheekily ask Him what He's got for us. He wants us to be expectant every time we talk to Him that He has something for us. The boys' faces were a delight when they opened Lego, bugs in slime, and Star Wars gifts. God knows exactly what we need and what we want, and it delights Him to give to us. So in 2013, we are to cheekily ask God for new gifts and to be expectant that He wants to give them to us. 
What presents will you ask for and unwrap, at the beginning of this new year?

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" 
Matthew 7v11

Mothering & Mourning

This is the story of a friend of mine and is the second post in the Mothering series...

My husband and I married 27 years ago. We had two children fairly early on and another baby boy 8 years later. Although we had long passed the baby stage, going back was easy and we really enjoyed having him. Also our children loved having a younger brother around, most of the time!

In May 2003 our youngest son became unwell with what we thought was a virus and this continued with headaches into June. We had numerous trips to the doctor and the children's hospital. After an MRI scan which confirmed a brain tumour, he became very unwell and was rushed to Kings College Hospital in London and put on a ventilator. Unfortunately a further scan revealed that there was no brain activity and we made the difficult decision to turn off his life support. He died in our arms on July 3rd 2003, just three weeks before his fifth birthday.

I was devastated. It felt like a part of me had died, and at times when I was crying it felt like my heart would break. I had to make deliberate choices to occupy myself with the mundane in order to cope with the pain. Getting to sleep was especially difficult. I had to make sure that I thought about the next day in order not to let my thoughts run wild. Even when I got to sleep I would dream that he was still alive and would have to wake myself up and face the reality. I had to take one day at a time and I cried every day. Thoughts of ending it all did occur to me but I knew I could not do that because I had a husband and two other children and I knew that it would not be fair on them.

My husband and I have a very strong marriage and we were able to draw comfort from one another. However there were times when one of us was found it more difficult than the other. I did not always know how to support him through it. It also affected the intimate side of our marriage at times. Our children were both teenagers and I'm not sure that I mothered them well during those early days. I met their physical needs, but not much else. As time went on, I got better at being available for them when they needed it. 

It was difficult to deal with other people. Some people appeared to ignore me, I assume because they did not know what to say. Sometimes I avoided people as I did not want to have to tell them about my son dying. I wanted to have a sticker on me saying "Be nice to me, I am grieving" so that people would understand if I did not talk to them. Other times I just wanted to be treated as normal. Some people did not talk about my son, it was as if he no longer existed and I found this very hard.

We were supported by a couple in our church. They were our leaders but became our friends. They would meet us regularly for coffee and just let us talk. I also met with my best friend, a christian lady who had gone through the same thing with her daughter three years previously. She was probably the only person who truly understood what I was going through. I also had and still have a great group of friends from school who made sure that I was occupied every day usually with coffee somewhere. They understood when I had had enough and needed to be on my own. All these friends were prepared to talk about my son and the memories that we had of him which helped so much. 'Care for the Family' have a 'bereaved parents network' organised by other bereaved parents and this was very helpful too.

Anniversaries were difficult, especially our son's next birthday and that first Christmas. The first anniversary of his death was extremely hard as none of us knew what we should be doing and we were glad when it was over. Now on his anniversary, my husband and I go out for coffee and take flowers to his grave. We then go to work and try to occupy ourselves as much as possible. We still go to his grave with flowers every week after church on Sunday.

As time has gone on, things have become easier but I still miss my son every day and feel like a part of me is permanently missing. I often wonder what he would be doing now. I see my friend's children at the age he would have been now, which can be difficult. When my oldest son left home for university it brought back some of the grief and again when my daughter left. We were suddenly on our own when we should have had a son at home, starting senior school.

I don't cry every day now, in fact sometimes I feel guilty for not crying. Nowadays the grief tends to catch me unawares, maybe with a song on the radio or visiting a place that we spent with our son before he died. I do not dream about him as often now but when I do it wakes me up with a start as I know that he is isn't alive. Another thing I find difficult is when someone asks me how many children I have. If I know I will be seeing them again, I tell them about my son but often they find that hard to cope with. The thing is I still have three children even if one of them is now in Heaven.

I have been a Christian since the age of 9 and although I was shaken, it did not destroy my faith. I knew that although things had changed drastically for me, the God who I believed in had not changed. The first Sunday back at church was extremely difficult and I particularly found worship times difficult. I often had to leave during those times. I felt that I would no longer be able to serve God in any useful way in the future.

Amazingly however, I am now doing more in church than ever. My husband and I are involved in pastoral care. This can at times be tough, for example visiting dying people in hospital, but I feel that God has given me an empathy for people that I did not have before. I know that if I was not a Christian I would not be here today. It is my faith in God that has brought me through and continues to take me through this time. It is because of my faith that I know I will see my son again in Heaven. I know that he is there with Jesus now and already enjoying eternity.

I have always held onto this verse knowing that it is true;

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope".  Jeremiah 29: 11

Mothering Special Needs

The first post in the Mothering series is an interview with Rachel. Rachel and her husband Andrew have two children and in December 2011 their eldest, Zeke was diagnosed with Autism.

What special needs does Zeke have?

By one year, Zeke wasn't hitting his milestones and continued to fall behind. He began flapping his hands and becoming quite obsessive about toys and objects. At that point alarm bells started to ring as I recognised some of the things he was doing as stereotypically autistic. Our gorgeous little man then went through a painful period of regression; his development went into reverse, he lost eye-contact, his social skills and language. This was probably the darkest period we've been through. 

How did you feel during this season?

The hardest thing was the uncertainty of what was going on and what the future would hold. It was an emotional roller coaster; his behaviour would sway each day. It was hard as a couple to agree, because I was spending more time with children his age and Andrew wasn't. I felt a lot of pressure to provide Zeke with as much input as possible; toddler groups and craft activities. Looking back I wish I hadn't put so much pressure on myself - I don't think it was a lack of "cutting and sticking" that was to blame!

How did you feel towards God?

It was harder than I expected. I would fall apart when praying or engaging with God. While this was going on our little girl was diagnosed with Childhood Epilepsy. We were constantly at appointments and there wasn't much time to pray. To be honest, it sometimes felt like I was rejecting Zeke when I was praying for him to change. Autism is oppressive and awful but it is also something which moulds with your child's personality; their strengths and their weaknesses. So it's hard to know where the lines are between him and it.

When I pray now, I pray for God's kingdom to come in Zeke. I don't believe there will be Autism in Heaven. From early on we could see that this was shaping our character and humility. It is much harder to understand how this could be God's best for our children.

Any verses or worship songs which have been a help?

I found two songs from Bethel hugely helpful, 'Your love never fails' and 'Come to me'. Both songs made me cry and made me look up and cling a little bit more to God. I read 'God on Mute', by Pete Greig, while crying in Starbucks. It helped with the 'Why' questions. And I read Isaiah 61 in a whole new way. I'd never quite seen the 'broken hearted' as 'me' before. Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted and to bring beauty out of the ashes. So He came to bind me up.

Have you been amused or embarrassed by Zeke's antics?

Yes, many times. Last year he insisted on carrying a tin of Thomas the Tank Engine spaghetti hoops everywhere he went. He also has strong feelings about songs. If the church band opened with anything non-Matt Redman he would cover his ears and scream "different song". Whereas now he's in a Lou Fellingham stage. We're entering a nakedness phase which I'm sure will be interesting, particularly as he's still in nappies! The genuinely hard stuff in parenting him, is that he doesn't look any different. He can use some language but he doesn't understand lots and he can scream/shout/hit out in public and I can't stop to tell everyone why it's happening so I just have to deal with the stares.

How have your family had to adapt/make sacrifices?

We've had to adapt our whole lives. We are routined and planned. We have to limit the amount of 'people time' that Zeke has. I've given up work. We go to bed very early as Zeke starts the day very early, and we're not nearly as hospitable in the daytime as we'd like to be. But there are also joys like swimming, walks, endless trampolining and lots of laughing. It's sad to miss 'normal' things like birthday parties, nativities and watching him make friends. Having said this Zeke continually surprises us, and when he does, it feels like a wonderful bonus as I don't take it for granted any more.

What are the pains & joys of being Zeke's mum?

A friend of mine has a child with Down's Syndrome. She has been a huge blessing to me. She described diagnosis like a bereavement; you feel a tremendous sense of loss no matter how much you love and accept your child. But the pain of what you've lost does begin to ease and the joy comes with the steps they make that you never thought they would; each a gift of grace.

What have you learnt?

We've both been incredibly broken by the past year's challenges. We identify more with parents going through challenges with their kids. I think we could have been quite smug parents and even looked down on others, whereas we are now completely convinced that we can't do this without God's help.

What are your fears and hopes for Zeke?

We want our children to develop to a point where they can know God for themselves. Everything after that is a bonus. The future is very uncertain. We've been told that Zeke will need much support and is unlikely to live independently, but it is also so difficult to know the development of autistic children. I'm a bit of a planner so God is teaching me a lot, and just as I think I've got Zeke sussed, there's a new hurdle. Long-term we would love to be able to be an encouragement to others parents and testify that God is good and very very faithful even in pain, confusion and the challenges of mothering a child with special needs.

How do you feel towards Zeke?

Zeke is one of the most loved little boys that's ever walked the earth, not just by us but also by family, friends and support workers. We are enormously proud of him and are very grateful that he was ever entrusted to us.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners. Isaiah 61v1

Mothering...

I have been thinking about mothers; I am one. I have one, and fifteen years ago, I got myself one of those 'in-law' ones. I have also been 'mothered' by older women (the ones that bake you a cake when you have a baby, or put your washing away when you're heavily pregnant). From my own mother, I learnt how to be hospitable and go the extra mile for people, how to bake without measurements and live without order, how to laugh a lot and find a bargain. From my mother in law, I have learnt how to be patient and diligent, and to see the benefit of a little order in the chaos, and how to give my oldest boys individual time. From those mother-hen types, I have learnt to offer help, even when a mum says she's coping and to look out for young mums. And from being a mother, well...I'm still learning. I have learnt that wet wipes really can clean anything, that you have to say sorry often, that it's best if you try not to laugh during discipline, that you have to try not to worry what others think of you or your kids, that you need to ask for help and advice, and that you need to hand over all the 'Mother Guilt' to the one who loves us with His perfect Grace. 

As far as I can tell, some aspects of mothering are the same whether you're mothering girls or mothering boys. It is one of those relentless but joyful tasks. It's full of tears and laughter. Full of the unknown, and the same old things. Full of teaching, but also learning. Full of change yet also steadfastness. Full of worries and expectations. How to improvise on the spot; bringing Biblical teaching into this moment? How do I make a jet pack out of a Pringles tub? How do I know which size jelly mould is the right sized sick bucket, for which child?

To mother, is to be the fount of all knowledge! At any time of the day, and especially at bedtime, the questions they have see you reaching for Google for many answers; Why do bats sleep upside down? How fast is a shark? And your stored up Bible knowledge, is required for ongoing wisdom. Some days, mothering is just full of nakedness, (their's) poo (which you get to deal with), sick (which you hope makes it into the Tupperware or toilet), Calpol (or supermarket cheaper versions) and cheesestrings (especially when they're on offer).

I think that most mothers can relate to one another, despite their different situations and circumstances. Being a mum is a full time job, whether they have a second job or not, whether they have one child or a few more. On some levels, one mother's plight can be totally different to another's. Mothers can, and should definitely learn from one another, but not compare themselves Mothers should be other mothers' greatest encouragers. So here is my introduction to a series on 'Mothering'. I have interviewed different mothers to find out what mothering is like for them and see what we can learn from their journeys. The common ground I have found, is that regardless of our mothering differences, God remains the same. He remains faithful, loving and full of grace no matter what kind of mother we are. And He is willing to help us become mothers who glorify Him.

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 2:22-23

I hope and pray that you enjoy the series...

Mothering Special Needs
Mothering and Mourning
Mothering at Christmas
Mothering Twins 
Mothering Many
Mothering & Working
Mothering Someone Else's
Mothering with Post Natal Depression
Mothering Young
Mothering Girls
Mothering an Empty Nest
Mothering in Fear
Mothering Alone
Mothering the Prodigal Son
Mothering Mum
Mothering Across Cultures
Mothering Without Mum
Mothering Through Loss
Mothering Anorexia Part One
Mothering Anorexia Part Two (a daughter's story)
Mothering Autism

A Little Nudge

Last week and the week before, I was being a bit snappy at the boys. The mother tone was a little on the harsh side. Sure, I can hide behind the 'new baby', 'sleep deprivation' and 'hormone overload' excuses but there's a verse in Matthew which says, "What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person". So, I'm not sure I can hide behind those excuses really, seeing as this verse says that what comes out of my mouth is a result of what my heart is looking like. My heart wasn't really looking very kind and gentle, but instead a bit rough round the edges.

As a result of this, I decided to dwell on a different verse, one from Galations; "Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand..." I sometimes wish there was a bit added to this verse so it would read, 'Let your gentleness be known to everyone, except the children you live with, cos that's just impossible'. But it doesn't say that does it? It says everyone, and there isn't a clause for certain little people, which must mean even the little people in my house. It must even mean when I'm tired, even when there is a new baby, and even when the little people don't deserve it.

I made the brave (or maybe stupid decision) to ask my boys to keep me accountable on this verse. I told them that I felt I was being snappy with them and that I was struggling to show them gentleness, which they totally agreed with. I told them about the gentleness verse and said that with God's help, I was going to try and put that verse into action. I told them there was a big difference between knowing a verse, and living a verse. (I also went for a brief explanation that this did not mean I wouldn't be disciplining them, but it meant that I was going to aim to do it right) Gulp!
I asked the boys to 'live a verse' too. A couple of the boys had already been working on particular verses, so I chose two verses for the other boys.

It was a great chat, with different levels of understanding. I think it made us all see that whatever we are doing or feeling, there is a verse that we can choose to live by. I needed the reminder, and I wanted them again to see the wealth of what the Bible actually holds for us. We've stuck it on the bathroom door to nudge us.

We have done it this week, giving each other a little nudge to 'live our verse'. I have of course, had to say sorry for telling one of them off, when they tried to point out my lack of gentleness. I tried to justify my actions, but they were right. I have been able to remind them of their verse too, hopefully without legalism, but in grace and love instead. After all, the main essence of what the Bible holds for us is indeed God's love and Grace. He wants us to live out all the verses. But He wants us to know His love and Grace in it all. I'm reminded too that His gentleness is always evident to everyone, even when His word is nudging us!

A Daughter

 So we're in that hazy, blurry season of newborn life. Everything is a bit foggy due to lack of sleep, a whirlwind of change and everyone's emotions running high. Our little pink bundle arrived in the early hours of Sunday morning. She is lacking in the willy department, which is definitely a new one for this house! She is of course adorable and scrummy, and she has many pink & flowery, cute & frilly outfits to be dressed up in. We do indeed have a daughter.

The boys love her already. They come into our room in the morning, and pretty much queue up for their cuddles and kisses with her. One of them sings Rita Ora's R.I.P to her. One of them just snuggles her. One of them rubs her head in the way you just don't really do with a newborn, and one of them laughs at her bottom burps and brings her hammers and torches to play with. She is a much loved little daughter and sister.

I was thinking about how loved she is while tending to her last night. It was one of those nights where sleep was a far away dream from the actual reality. I really wanted to sleep, and everything was as it should be to attain sleep; comfy new Christmas pyjamas were on, separate duvet from the husband was ready (a must in this season), the house was quiet, the lights were off, the pillows were plumped, and the moon was dimly glowing but there were these noises from a little one who hadn't read the memo on how to act at nighttime. First there was the cute cooing noises, then the snuffly hedgehog noises, then the 'am I choking...you should check on me' noises, then the sound of a head turning from side to side, 'rooting for a boob' type noises, and then a noise which the boys would have been proud of from their little sister, as her nappy was filled. She then repeated this whole range of noises once more as she was clean, fed and settled back into her Moses Basket.

As the clock on my phone reached higher numbers, and as the the moon started to make it's descent, I realised that we had indeed spent most of the night together in one way or another. I think I had dozed off, slouched with my head on the side of her straw basket and my hand protectively on her tummy. I was zombiefied and achey, reacting on auto pilot and definitely frayed but yet I looked at this beautiful little one and continued to have such love for her.


I realised in a sightly cloudy moment that that's how God looks at me. So far, my daughter hasn't sinned against me, but she has thrown in some difficulties, some pain, some sleep deprivation and some bad smells, but she is my daughter and I simply love her very dearly. What I have thrown at my Heavenly Father has been far worse; sin, disobedience, taking Him for granted, the 'It's not fair' syndrome, lack of time and attention and so much more, and yet I am still His daughter and He still loves me very dearly. He still watches over me at night, with His hand protectively over me. And this truth mixed with His wonderful strength and grace will carry me through this new tired, pink season.

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 

John 16:21

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5