Mothering & Mourning

This is the story of a friend of mine and is the second post in the Mothering series...

My husband and I married 27 years ago. We had two children fairly early on and another baby boy 8 years later. Although we had long passed the baby stage, going back was easy and we really enjoyed having him. Also our children loved having a younger brother around, most of the time!

In May 2003 our youngest son became unwell with what we thought was a virus and this continued with headaches into June. We had numerous trips to the doctor and the children's hospital. After an MRI scan which confirmed a brain tumour, he became very unwell and was rushed to Kings College Hospital in London and put on a ventilator. Unfortunately a further scan revealed that there was no brain activity and we made the difficult decision to turn off his life support. He died in our arms on July 3rd 2003, just three weeks before his fifth birthday.

I was devastated. It felt like a part of me had died, and at times when I was crying it felt like my heart would break. I had to make deliberate choices to occupy myself with the mundane in order to cope with the pain. Getting to sleep was especially difficult. I had to make sure that I thought about the next day in order not to let my thoughts run wild. Even when I got to sleep I would dream that he was still alive and would have to wake myself up and face the reality. I had to take one day at a time and I cried every day. Thoughts of ending it all did occur to me but I knew I could not do that because I had a husband and two other children and I knew that it would not be fair on them.

My husband and I have a very strong marriage and we were able to draw comfort from one another. However there were times when one of us was found it more difficult than the other. I did not always know how to support him through it. It also affected the intimate side of our marriage at times. Our children were both teenagers and I'm not sure that I mothered them well during those early days. I met their physical needs, but not much else. As time went on, I got better at being available for them when they needed it. 

It was difficult to deal with other people. Some people appeared to ignore me, I assume because they did not know what to say. Sometimes I avoided people as I did not want to have to tell them about my son dying. I wanted to have a sticker on me saying "Be nice to me, I am grieving" so that people would understand if I did not talk to them. Other times I just wanted to be treated as normal. Some people did not talk about my son, it was as if he no longer existed and I found this very hard.

We were supported by a couple in our church. They were our leaders but became our friends. They would meet us regularly for coffee and just let us talk. I also met with my best friend, a christian lady who had gone through the same thing with her daughter three years previously. She was probably the only person who truly understood what I was going through. I also had and still have a great group of friends from school who made sure that I was occupied every day usually with coffee somewhere. They understood when I had had enough and needed to be on my own. All these friends were prepared to talk about my son and the memories that we had of him which helped so much. 'Care for the Family' have a 'bereaved parents network' organised by other bereaved parents and this was very helpful too.

Anniversaries were difficult, especially our son's next birthday and that first Christmas. The first anniversary of his death was extremely hard as none of us knew what we should be doing and we were glad when it was over. Now on his anniversary, my husband and I go out for coffee and take flowers to his grave. We then go to work and try to occupy ourselves as much as possible. We still go to his grave with flowers every week after church on Sunday.

As time has gone on, things have become easier but I still miss my son every day and feel like a part of me is permanently missing. I often wonder what he would be doing now. I see my friend's children at the age he would have been now, which can be difficult. When my oldest son left home for university it brought back some of the grief and again when my daughter left. We were suddenly on our own when we should have had a son at home, starting senior school.

I don't cry every day now, in fact sometimes I feel guilty for not crying. Nowadays the grief tends to catch me unawares, maybe with a song on the radio or visiting a place that we spent with our son before he died. I do not dream about him as often now but when I do it wakes me up with a start as I know that he is isn't alive. Another thing I find difficult is when someone asks me how many children I have. If I know I will be seeing them again, I tell them about my son but often they find that hard to cope with. The thing is I still have three children even if one of them is now in Heaven.

I have been a Christian since the age of 9 and although I was shaken, it did not destroy my faith. I knew that although things had changed drastically for me, the God who I believed in had not changed. The first Sunday back at church was extremely difficult and I particularly found worship times difficult. I often had to leave during those times. I felt that I would no longer be able to serve God in any useful way in the future.

Amazingly however, I am now doing more in church than ever. My husband and I are involved in pastoral care. This can at times be tough, for example visiting dying people in hospital, but I feel that God has given me an empathy for people that I did not have before. I know that if I was not a Christian I would not be here today. It is my faith in God that has brought me through and continues to take me through this time. It is because of my faith that I know I will see my son again in Heaven. I know that he is there with Jesus now and already enjoying eternity.

I have always held onto this verse knowing that it is true;

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope".  Jeremiah 29: 11