Wherever I Am, There's Always Pooh

Throwback post, from eight years ago; back to when parks could be visited daily, and Antibacterial Soap was aplenty.

Last week I experienced one of those moments, you know the moments which really highlight the wonders of motherhood. I was in the park with three out of four of the boys, waiting for one of them to finish his after school club.

My almost three year old was testing to see if the boundaries of disobedience were the same in a park as they are in the house, which of course they are. I had approached him as he wasn't responding to me, and that's when I realised that he had wet himself, which may have been part of the reason for him not coming to me. (That and a slightly stubborn streak).

I explained that I needed to change his trousers, so he held my hand and we walked over to the buggy. I quickly pulled his trousers off, and it was as the poo rolled onto my hand and hit the park floor, that I realised my son had actually had more than a wet accident. These are the moments in life which no one ever prepares you for, no matter what books you read. 

I sat for a few seconds wondering what to do and gritted my teeth as another child in the park told me I shouldn't bring pooey babies there. I reached into my bag only to realise that I had made a rookie mistake; I had left the house without baby wipes! Who does that after eight years and four children? I even recently gave a mum-to-be a survival kit; consisting of wipes, anti-bacterial gel, wine, Calpol and chocolate. I could have done with this kit on this very day. 

My other two boys came to help, watch and comment on my disastrous moment. They offered to get me some leaves to clean my poo covered hand. I didn't answer them with my best motherly, calm and gentle tone. They were just being helpful, and leaves were quite a good suggestion. It was more that their 'help' wasn't adding to the situation, which I was trying to be in control of. I washed my hand with Ribena instead. I pulled my boy's trousers up and tried to pull his shirt down a bit more to disguise his mishap. I still had ten minutes to wait until the after school club finished, so the poo-child ran off to play again. I chose to delete everything that had just happened, from my mind. With my head held high, smiling at my boy, I tried to ignore the gross smell that was emitting from him, and the frutier gross smell that was coming from my hand as I waved at him.

When we reached home, I showered my son while squirting bubble bath all over his rear. I threw his pants away, replenished my bag with wipes, cleaned the buggy, and then finally an hour later cleaned my own hands; post poo, post Ribena, post bum cleaning, post buggy cleaning, with anti-bacterial soap. As I was doing so, I wondered whether there could really be a God-moment I could grasp for. I thought back to the morning when I had met with some other mums and we had looked at Ephesians 2 together.

"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

I held on to the fact that God created us mums to do good works, which He prepared in advance for us to do. And that God's hands are clean, and if I am His handiwork, then I am made clean by Him too. Oh I know it's a leap, from poo to God. But God knew the good works us mums would have to do. To be honest, He sees all the crap! And just as I held my son's hand to walk him over to the buggy, to deal with his stuff...God holds my hand, and helps me with my stuff too.

Virtual Reality

So we are a week into Lockdown in this household, and the schedule has been losely on point. There have been fun family moments of PE, first thing in the morning, with The Body Coach. Even more entertaining, has been our own family live FaceBook streaming our version of the workout. (Thank you to all have tuned in and commented). 

There have been moments where we have all read a book (or scanned Social Media but the kids don't need to know that), there have been educational moments, and fights over computer screens, with arguments such as, "my education is more important than his", there have been Victory Royales (a win on Fortnite), as well as Playstation bans. 

There have been days we just couldn't be bothered, and days we've watched a lot of Barbie Dreamhouse. Some moments have been filled with laughter; the fun joyous kind, and the slightly insane kind, as well as some high level stress moments, and some tears. The kids have quickly learned that if they say, "I think it's for the benefit of my emotional health", I'm more likely to agree to their request. 

I've had a fair few emails from the CEOs of 'every shop I've ever been to', and watched the close of some favourite eateries, as well as the sad realisation that some businesses might not make it back, but I'm hoping the Government's finacial help, gives some hope. 

Social Media has been a mixture of sad news, unflattering FaceTime photos, scary stuff, amusing memes, encouragements from Head Teachers and actual HomeSchool mums, to take it easy and enjoy the kids. There's always some negativity on Social Media, but also so much community spirit bursting forth too. There's been Zoom meetings, NHS clapping, slighty stressed mums, one anothering, church streaming, and helpful links of things to do and see, and a vast amount of things to virtually connect with. 

I thought I'd mention some of these here; a look into what's on offer. Bigger companies like Twinkl have put out a lot of free resources to help school kids from Early Years to KS4, with SEN help too. (A lot of these are printable, which doesn't serve everyone). There are live animal cameras to watch at various zoos, and some celebrities playing their part. Steve Backshall is doing Live Facebook Q&As, weekdays at 9:30am. David Walliams is reading his own books at 11am, cleverly called Elevensies. You can even let Carol Voderman take the stress out of teaching Maths. Countdown all over again.

You can listen to stories at Audible Stories, you can go to the theatre from the comfort of your sofa. You can virtually tour the Louvre, and other museums. (Although I'm pretty sure watching Night at the Museum, is just as factual). There's plenty more virtual tours you can take here. Later we are getting on a virtual ride at Disney You can also bake with Martha Collinson, with things you find in your cupboard, hopefully not too random a selection of food. (See my latest blog involving a tin of Cock A Leekie). Maybe do the baking after the rollercoaster, just in case Virtual Reality is really as good as the real ride! You can also learn British Sign Language; an excellent language to learn, which will result in more people feeling included and understood. That's never a bad thing.

I thought I'd also share some of the smaller, lesser known resources too. I have the pleasure of knowing a few teachers and creative types, who are giving their services at this strange time. Author Dave Atheral, is reading through a chapter of his book NOT PAT, with a question at the end. Mr Field is doing some on line maths teaching, via Loom. Another teacher has a wonderfully creative Instagram account; Cool Classroom. 

My Papercut Forrest is also doing some beautiful things with paper, while Button & Blue is teaching us to knit! Gem's Wholesome kitchen is a great place to find Veggie and Vegan cooking videos. Emma Stone Johnson is making free cards for NHS members. Kimbalu is a fun singing monkey who would love to entertain your little ones, as are the guys at Little Notes. (Fun and singing, not monkeys). You can join with Glass dance  on their Facebook live teaching videos. If you want some Biblical content, you can watch the adorable Bible Sisters, as they tell Bible stories with their toys. You can check out Emmanuel Kids, The Little Worship Company and Baby Devotions. 

There are of course, far more things to access, far and wide, as well as local and home-made. What a blessing technology is to us. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows". James 1v17

A Moment in Time

Well, we find ourselves in a 'Moment in Time', which of course all moments are, but this one seems pretty significant. We're in the midst of a Pandemic. Something the history pages will look back on. A time of uncertainty for us all.

I've sent three of my kids off to school, for the last two days of this term, and maybe even the next?! Ive got one downstairs doing home school-work, as his year group was understaffed to be able to teach him this week. I've got one in bed, presently just grateful it's not his usual 6:15am early wake up call. And I've got a disappointed sixteen year old who has gone into school, disheartened that he wont sit his GCSEs, and quite likely that there will be no 'end of school, shirt signing' for him and his friends, no chance for a proper end to his schooling life, and unsure what the future holds for college. 

Yesterday I went to Asda, and Instagrammed my amusing take on it all. I get the sudden rush on pasta and loo roll, (maybe not to the extent that some have taken). But there were no toothbrushes. I didn't see that one coming. There was also no whiskey. It felt enough like Christmas, that I wondered if I should pop a bottle of Baileys in the trolley. But I didn't. I was in there for bread, milk and cereal, of which I was allowed two of. There was one tin of Cock-a-Leekie soup! Firstly, what is that, and secondly, we're panic buying Cock-a-Leekie soup now?! I left it kindly for someone else!

There's been quite the anger from some, seeing the panic buying. It's rather selfish in some ways, and there is enough food to go around, they just cant get it re-stocked quick enough. But I also understand people's desire to make sure their family and friends are looked after. I got a box of decaffinated teabags for my sister in law, because there's no way she would get through this without tea. I already had bought tea for myself, as there was only Earl Grey left and that's just like drinking perfume! So have I added to the demand?! There are lengths people go to, to protect their own. It puts the whole Seria refuge crisis in a little perspective. If we're panic buying in a Pandemic to look after our own, surely we can understand why someone would put their whole family on a boat or in a van, in an actual war?! 

I'm not so sure when people were buying their extra pasta, they were hoping the elderly would go without. And I'm encouraged that the supermarkets have started letting the elderly and those who care for the vulnerable in earlier than the rest of us. That's the right thing to do. I'm also loving the community spirit at work, people looking out for those local to them, especailly those who may be self-isolating, whatsapp groups and Facebbok pages opening up to one another. There seems to be a renewed sense of looking after the poorer in society, the more frail, the less able. There seems to be a less hurried way of doing life in the midst of it all, chatting to people, asking people how they are doing, social distancing but not social isolating. It's a time of coming together, of one anothering. 

I watched the Prime Minister's speech yesterday with one of my kids, who has a lot of questions about it all, and there aren't many answers to give him. It was a bit like you see in the films of old, people gathered around the screen, waiting for answers and information. Then at dinner I explained as fully as I could, with the different ages represented, what was happening....and the effects on people's health, the effects on people's jobs and money, and housing, the effects on our wonderful NHS, the fact that we probably shouldn't see Nanny and Grandad for a little while, the effects on education, the effects on church, the effects on Foodbanks and the poor, and children who wont be geting free school meals, the effects on GCSEs, the effects on why daddy is super busy at the moment, the effects on the shops, and socialising, the effects of a Lockdown, the effects of worry and anxiety on people, and so on. 

I explained too that disappointment would be largely spread; weddings cancelled, postponed, hurridly brought forward, flights and trips and holidays of a lifetime cancelled, family occasions and celebrations halted. It was a bit of a bleak chats at points, and they were asked to share their questions.

One asked if there was any more Pesto Pasta left. Ah the irony of this was not missed on me. The littlest one asked, 'what's a virus?' And then got very sad that she wont see her teacher for a while. (Her teacher is her favourite human, closely followed by the bin man). Another child asked how it would affect playing out with his friends, can kids get it? Will we know anyone who dies from it? How is it passed on? Why are we washing our hands? Are  Nanny and grandad ok? Why will we have to do school work? What if one of us gets it? What will happen to church? 

I did my best to answer some questions... where I could. And I got to tell them a wonderful answer my friend gave her daughter. Her daughter came in and asked, 'What's the latest news?' And my friend profoundly answered, 'Well, Jesus is still on the throne. He loves us very much and He is still, and always will be good'. I reminded them of the hope we have in Jesus in the midst of this; that the biggest thing we've ever had to face is actually the forgiveness of our sin, and that Jesus dealt with that at the cross. I reminded them that there will be an eternity with Jesus, where there will be no pain, no shame, no tears, not death, no illness and no viruses. And that whislt we're living through this bit of history, our hope in Him doesn't change. He's always been and always will be. He cares for us the same way He's always cared. He loves people and continues to want them to find their way back to Him.

Surely this newfound community spirit, this looking after of one another, this 'if you can be anything, be kind' mentality, this selfless serving of others, this taking care of the poor and vulnerable, is how God intended us to love one another...how He first loved us

We prayed, as a family after dinner, one by one, thanking God for something, because we know that thankfulness is a weapon against disappointment. We prayed against getting the virus. And we submitted our worries, our concenrs and our disappointments to God also, knowing that He's not surprised by what He sees. He's not wobbled by it all. In a time of uncertainty, He remains very sure, very certain indeed.


We praise you, God, we praise you, for your Name is near;
people tell of your wonderful deeds.

You say, “I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge with equity.
When the earth and all its people quake,
it is I who hold its pillars firm.

Psalm 75v1-3

“I (Jesus) have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. 

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16v33

Keep Calm and Take a Nap

Yesterday, I napped. It was a delightful thing. I got back into bed at 9:25am, and woke up at 1:15pm. For the first hour, I just thought about all the things. You know, everything. All the mum stuff. All the household stuff. All the To-Dos I keep not doing. Like a Dot-To-Dot, but without numbers, trying to piece them altogether to make a vague picture. 

I refused to let myself scroll on Insta or Facebook, knowing that would be a waste of this precious nap time. It was one of those naps that I felt I had waited 16years for. I remember napping with my first baby, all those years ago. He'd feed and then fall asleep, I'd feed then fall asleep. Job done. And he was a good sleeper; he still had a sleep after school every day and even at senior school in the first two weeks, they phoned me to say he was asleep. 

When I had my second son, there were wonderful moments when I managed to get them both down for a nap at the same time. Oh so precious. That's some of the best mumming out there, if it can be achieved. (I never had that guilt bit where I would frantically use the time to catch up on the housework. I'm sure the husband would have loved it if I had), but instead I would get under a duvet, just to rest a little. To breath a little. To be me for a few minutes. To not give out for a while. I needed recharging as their recharge was even faster and more superior.

Then I had the third; a ball of energy. He always needed less sleep. He was the kid who from age 2 and a half, til about 9 or 10 didn't even stay in his room at bedtime. I remember people saying he'd grow out of it in a few weeks, but it took about 7 years. We just let him fall asleep on the landing in the end, and we put him to bed when we went to bed. 

The fourth one I remember he'd fall asleep all cuddled up on me, with the tv on, so I had to make sure I'd had a wee, with the remote control nearby, and good neck support. It's like mum Ninja training which you don't think about with your first. But we'd normally get disturbed by the nursery run. 3hr nursery slots do not leave much time for activities which tire them out well enough to fit in the nap well enough. I don't seem to remember five and six, and their napping abilities, which is a slight concern as they're the newest ones, but somewhere in there, I started childminding and nap schedules were up to Ofsted standards but at varying times. And I think Ofsted frown upon 'on the job napping'.

So, this nap was beautiful. 3 hours of silent duvet wrapping, with no school or nursery runs, with the phone on silent incase the school rang to tell me one of them had broken their glasses or forgotten a PE kit, or knocked heads with another kid. Nothing I needed to be woken for. And I awoke to some verses on Instagram about rest, because I obviously invited the world into my nap time.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11v28

Obviously the wonderful thing about napping in the day, is the physical rest and restoring of energy, as well as how ridiculously sneaky it feels. But I love this verse, because as well as physical rest, I believe it is talking about spiritual rest, emotional rest, mental rest, and soul rest. In my recent vlog, I mention about having time with Emmanuel (God with us), in the midst of the busy! There are plently of people, most people in fact, who can't just nuzzle down into a duvet for a few hours, but we can still take a moment to come to God, our Heavenly Father, and cast all our worries onto Him, share our burdens with Him, stop and breath for a few minutes and allow Him to bring rest to our souls.

If you're a mum of a little one, I do hope you don't have to wait a decade for a daytime nap! But soul refreshing can be yours right now. If you've got a few minutes, watch this worship video and breathe in His love and His presence, and actively cast your burdens onto Him. He who cares for you, more than you even care for your little ones.

Are We There Yet?

As I read through old blog posts, editing them to see if there is a book somewhere in all of this, I thought I'd repost this old post from September 2011. It was a time of only little boys, and yet today my girls took a splashy, wet journey home!

Me and the husband have very different approaches to a trip out with the boys. I like to enjoy it from the beginning; making the picnic lunch, getting the bags ready, talking to the boys about it, and leisurely heading to wherever we are going for our day's fun, enjoying the journey on the way. The husband however, thinks that the fun starts once we are at the designated place. He’ll be the most fun dad ever, when we are there. This difference in approach has caused many a little discussion on days out. Me and the boys enjoy asking him if we’re there yet, to help pass the time on the journey.

I was amused yesterday at a journey I had with a friend. Our destination was a mum's prayer group, not very far away, after the school run. Sounds simple enough. But the journey seemed less than simple. It was delayed by a hospital phone call, with a detour due to three fire engines, much loved by boy in the back. There was an errand to run on the way. There was traffic. There was the beeping of horns and even a man dressed as a pizza who attempted to slow us down as he stepped in front of the car. There was a phone call from my friend's husband, a closing window of a sleeping baby and the school pick-up time restraint at the other end of the morning. 

The destination in our relationship with God, is that one day we will be citizens of Heaven. However, so much happens on the journey from first knowing Him, to being with God forever. Life and stuff along the way, shapes us and causes us to grow. It depends of course, on which route we take, and how much we trust God to lead us. But it is all part of the moulding and shaping; making us more like Jesus, and more expectant of the Heavenly destination.

With these thoughts going through my mind, I decided to let the youngest two walk at their own pace on the lunchtime school run. It was sunny and I had no plans, and I wanted to see what the journey would look like and what it would teach me. It took thirty minutes instead of ten, which for someone a little on the unorganised side of life was a nice change from the last minute rush!

The boys ran giggling, they stopped to pick up ants, they stopped to look at a brick, one of them tripped over, one of them needed discipline for disobedience, they climbed up a steep muddy bit while I stuck to the path, they went their own way, the same one tripped up again, they were scared by a dog, they rescued a baby snail, they walked up and rolled down a hill, they looked for more dogs, they sat down, they climbed on a fence, they wandered aimlessly, and there was very nearly a dog poo incident!

My role on the walk seemed to be to encourage them to keep walking, leading from the side-line. I asked them about their day, took an interest in the baby snail and the ant. I held their hands when they were near the roads. I kept them safe from dogs, and enjoyed their laughter. I tried not to get hurried or bored with their slower route. I picked them up when they fell and reassured them to go again. I guess it made me think about how God keeps me safe, how He encourages me to keep going and how He leads the way, for me to follow Him, how He takes an interest in my life and how He loves me dearly, but how He also allows me to make my own choices. 

Sometimes that means I take the wrong path, sometimes I go the more difficult route, sometimes I need discipline, sometimes I get scared, sometimes I get distracted and sometimes I end up in dog poo. But just like I didn't leave my children to go it alone, my Heavenly Father doesn't leave me to go it alone either. And I know it shapes me as I journey on, trusting His ways. I guess I learnt from my two adventure-seeking giggly boys today to slow down a bit and enjoy it, rather than keep asking God if I'm there yet!

"But our citizenship is in heaven,
and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,
who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,
by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."
Philippians 3v20-21

Winning at Life

Back in the summer, we had a wonderfully warm family holiday in Spain. It took us the standard 19 hours or so of driving, with an hour's power-nap from the husband. Its amazing, you can just drive away from any issues...except that of course, the 7 people you live with come with you, so any family issues still come along for the ride. It doesn't take long for me to have to come to the realisation that my expectations of a fun, family holiday full of peace, love and laughter, need to be adjusted a little lower. It of course will have moments of fun and laughter, but it's not going to be argument-free, full of selfless acts of love, peace and complete harmony. 







I think we were two days in when the teens said they were missing their friends already, and maybe the holiday was too long. And the smallness of the static caravan came into play quite quickly, heightened by the midday sun. But you do get to throw kids out at 9:30am and send them to the pool to reserve sun loungers and swim off some of that energy, and you can make the two that aren't getting on go together, or you can split them up, or you can use the teens as parents and make them take a younger sibling out - many an option for 'Divide & Conquer'.

As well as building fun memories, reconnecting with each other, learning to swim under water, eating Tapas and drinking Sangria at 11am, burning together, we also enjoy family holidays because of the daily opportunity for family discussions, a tightening of our values and getting into the Bible daily. (Back home, we make Monday evenings family night for fun, snacks, sweets, no screens and the Bible, whereas on holiday, it can more easily be every day).

One morning I wrote out some Proverbs, negative ones and positive ones, curses and blessings, which in itself did good for my own soul. The Proverbs are full of a whole load of wisdom and challenge. That lunchtime, I put them all out on the table, face down. We took it in turns to read one out, and tried to work out what it was saying in general but also personally, how it was relevant to us. 

If it was a negative; "a babbling fool will come to ruin", you got nothing. If it was positive; "whoever walks in integrity walks securely", you got to choose from one of three mugs. The mugs were filled with sweets, chocolate bars, and Euros, because living according to the wisdom of the Proverbs, brings good things to your life! Not surprisingly, the kids (and the husband) got quite involved, seeing the good that the Proverbs brought them.

"My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body". Proverbs 4v20-22

Mothering Through Sickness

Over the last few years of blog writing, it has been a privilege to interview different mums as they walk out their own mothering journeys. Feel free to read the different stories here. This latest interview, is with my friend Lucinda - mum of two, pregnant with her third and suffering with extremely debilitating morning sickness. (She is also an Aussie, so if you'd like to donate to the Bushfire Appeal through Hillsong church, please do so here). 

What’s the deal with you and pregnancies? (What happens to you?)

I get all the first trimester ‘morning’ sickness and exhaustion but to crazy extremes, lasting every waking hour from 5 weeks until the baby is out. My nausea is relentless and debilitating; it's like food poisoning. I throw up multiple times a day. And when I’m not being physically sick, I’m so nauseous that I’d almost rather be. I have SO MANY triggers…. eating, not eating, the smell of food, drinking, not drinking, taking tablets, being upright too long, the smell of the kettle boiling or shower water, exerting too much energy, other people’s breath, the smell of people if they've eaten garlic or curry, brushing my teeth, even the thought of food or an advert on the radio about a carvery...needless to say I’ve kept vomit bags in the car since.

I sleep about 18 house a day if life allows (this helps as I’m not usually sick when I’m asleep) until about 16 weeks, and then I can get by on around 12. My stomach is so painful. I don’t go out unless I have to, I don’t have the energy to see people. 
I check out of life pretty much. 

All this said, this time round I’m on a cocktail of drugs to help battle the nausea, I’m just about to hit 20 weeks and I’ve noticed a shift so maybe this time will be different!

Why go through it a third time? 

I ask myself this a lot at the moment and sickness aside, I could give you a thousand different reasons why it wasn’t a ‘smart’ idea. Short answer though, is that it felt like our decision was largely dictated by my horrendous pregnancy experiences, and the impact this has on our little family unit. I felt quite robbed by this, and also hated the idea of our decisions being by motivated by fear. So we prayed about it a lot. We didn’t feel peaceful about the decision to stop at 2, we had a moment of faith (like literally a moment), looked at our story so far, how God had always provided in crazy scenarios, and decided to go for it.

Apart from the physical symptoms, how does it affect you emotionally and spiritually?

On a bad day physically, I don’t have the energy to engage emotionally or spiritually. So to feel/notice a bad day emotionally and spiritually means that I’m slightly better physically. I feel low, lonely and isolated. I feel sad about the ‘life’ I’m missing out on, not spending time with our girls, and about how little I laugh. I despair about how long I have to go, I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel ‘done’ and unable to carry on. I cry and I’m not a ‘cryer’. 

To be honest, I feel like I’m yet to learn how to engage in life spiritually when I’m depleted physically. I don't know what it looks like to have nothing within and be able to engage with God. I’d say most of my pregnancy is ‘bad’ spiritually, I don’t worship or pray much, I read the bible very little, I’m not able go to church regularly.
 
And what can a better day look like?

Physically, better days have come this time round from about 17 weeks . The mornings, I’m ‘functioning’, I can kind of parent (as in, I can definitely keep them alive). I can work in the morning (normally I work as a social worker in public health 3 days a week). I can eat breakfast and lunch without fear of throwing up. I can engage with God and people. I then derail from around midday and usually need to lie down/sleep for the rest of the day/night. Usually I’ll be throwing up again by evening.

Emotionally and spiritually a better day usually entails a sense of hope and faith; a feeling of ‘yes this is Hell, but I can see the finish line’. I laugh more, I feel less isolated (because I usually am), I pray more, I choose to worship and read my bible. I hear God speak (usually through worship or someone else).

Do you ever wish you weren’t pregnant? 

I am so very thankful that I am able to fall pregnant, I am SO aware that pregnancy is a gift. I have numerous friends where the journey of falling pregnant and having babies, has been a road marked with pain and disappointment and hope deferred. I have cried alongside them as they’ve waited endlessly or grieved loss. I have petitioned God to intervene and breathe life. Just recently, I had the joy of meeting the miracle baby of a friend that we’d been praying for for FIVE long years - to say I was undone by it is an understatement. I don’t take it lightly that this has not been my story. And I don't want my very real feelings relating to my own pregnancy, to be read as insensitive to those whose story this is….

That said, truth is that this time round when I first found out I was pregnant, before I was knocked out by sickness, I was VERY thankful. But once the sickness kicked in, I’ve wished not to be pregnant pretty hard and pretty regularly. I can genuinely empathise with people who choose to end a pregnancy because it’s simply too much. The thought has crossed my own mind more than once. Do I feel guilty about this? YES. Does it go against what I believe and what I stand for? Absolutely. And I’m confident that short of God releasing me from it, I will feel the guilt even more when they’re here and I know them and I remember that these thoughts were my own. 

I’ve had people innocently yet unhelpfully make comments to the effect of ‘well it was your choice’ or ‘you knew it would probably be like this’, which has sent me down a path of believing that this pregnancy is a self-inflicted bad idea. It wasn’t until recently that I was reminded of the fingerprints of God all over this life that I have been asked to steward, that this life is first and foremost His idea, that their destiny and days have been established since before time began. Yes we made choices but ultimately HE breathed life as only HE can. Am I thankful? I know I am, I know this life is purposed by the King of Kings, but I don’t feel it much of the time right now.

How does this all affect how you can ‘mum’ the other two? 

I basically can’t actively 'mum' for more than a few hours and I only do it when there’s no other option. If I know I have a ‘whole day’ that I need to be mumming, I get really anxious in the lead up to it. My 4 year old watches 3 hours of TV while the 2 year old and I nap each day. 

What 'help' do you have?

Our village has rallied round and the support is off the charts. My friend commented recently that, ‘it sounds like you don’t just have a village, you have a city’ and that pretty much sums it up. I’m welling up now just writing about it, like I do every time I think about it. We have been truly blessed and actively loved by the people around us.

We've had meals that are big enough to last a few days delivered to our home, pretty much every other day since I got sick. I have 2 amazing women at my church who have taken my girls for the whole day, every Thursday. Every week they've contacted me and offered. My daughter has done ballet for the last couple of years and the mums of the girls she does it with, have become somewhat of a Friday morning community, so Friday mornings we go to ballet and they help me out. On the rare occasions I am solo parenting, I have friends who let me and my girls camp out at their place so I’m not really solo parenting at all. Other friends or family have taken the girls for a few hours every now and again on weekends to give Moro, (my husband) some down time.

My colleagues at work have shouldered more so I can do less, and they allow me to sleep under the desk when I don’t have clients.

I have one friend in particular who has really journeyed spiritually with me. She has been a huge gift. I know I’m on her heart, she prays for me every time she sees me and when she does, God speaks to my heart and I’m reminded that He’s not forgotten me, that I’m seen by Him.

Moro is the greatest human I know. He works full time and with me being unwell he basically does everything else too. He’s on parenting before he leaves for work and from the second he walks back through the door in the evening. He does dinner, bath and bed. He PLAYS. The sound of laughter that comes up the stairs and floats through my doorway.... 

He deals with the kids' night wakings. He manages melt downs (theirs and mine). He tidies and cleans. He makes lunches. He grocery shops. I can now drink water (if and only if, it’s ice cold); the ice tray has not once been empty as he keeps it stocked. He hangs washing and takes it down and puts it way. He does daycare drop offs and pick ups. He does park dates and play dates on weekends. For all intents and purposes he is a single parent. And he still manages to have a sense of humour. He’s still gracious and kind and patient and fun. He still gets up early to pray with mates and makes time to speak to family/friends in the UK. He still somehow has energy to see people socially when it fits. He’s not able to put as much into his work as he would like, but it’s a sacrifice he’s made without fuss. 
He’s always been the backbone of our family but never has it been more obvious.

Do your girls know you’re sick? 

My 4 year old does. She’s always surprised when I actually go somewhere with them, like its a novelty as I usually stay in bed. She also notices the one food I happen to be able to eat at any given time. She asks me to ‘hurry up’ when I’m throwing up, as ‘it’s taking too long’. My 2 year old doesn’t really get it.

They have been impressively resilient. They love going to their friends' houses. Sometimes they cry when they don’t want to return home. Bittersweet.

They’ve actually been pretty incredible meeting me where I’m at, quite literally. They get home from daycare and come straight upstairs to see me in bed. They pop in and out of my room all day when they’re home, pottering or showing me things. They always have story time in our bed before they go to bed. For the first trimester I was barely conscious for this, but now I read to them.

How's the mum guilt?
I know I can’t change it. I know I do what I can. I hate it. But I know that it’s out of my control. Last time it really hit me once I was well again. For instance, at playgroup my daughter would go to another parent for ‘find your parent’ at story or singing time. Stuff like this was tough and made me realise just how much she'd come to rely on other people while I was sick. 

Again bittersweet; grateful that there were others there for them, sad it had to be that way.
Along similar lines, the girls now usually both go straight to Moro when they’re hurt or need help or whatever. This is simultaneously the most beautiful thing, and heartache inducing. 

Are you mad at God? Able to be thankful to Him? 

I’m not mad at God, I don’t have the energy to be! Nor have I wanted to throw in my faith. I know it’s just a season that I have to ‘get through’. I do sometimes wonder why it’s like this for me and so different for others (but that’s a slippery slope and can be asked about most things in life). I’m thankful for Moro and for our girls, and the way they handle it. I’m thankful for the people He’s put around us and for the fact I can carry life. I wouldn’t say I’m thankful for the sickness, though it has given me a whole new level of thankfulness for being in good health (which I am when I’m not pregnant!).

I am able to worship when I’m physically slightly better, but those times it’s definitely still a choice. I’ve been surprised by how hard I’ve found it to actually speak or sing worship out loud (because of the energy it takes more than anything) but how powerful speaking or singing out loud actually is. Worship for sure, has really gotten me through; instilled hope and allowed me to both connect with and hear from God.