Over the last few years of blog writing, it has been a privilege to interview different mums as they walk out their own mothering journeys. Feel free to read the different stories here. This latest interview, is with my friend Lucinda - mum of two, pregnant with her third and suffering with extremely debilitating morning sickness. (She is also an Aussie, so if you'd like to donate to the Bushfire Appeal through Hillsong church, please do so here).
What’s the deal with you and pregnancies? (What happens to you?)
I get all the first trimester ‘morning’ sickness and exhaustion but to crazy extremes, lasting every waking hour from 5 weeks until the baby is out. My nausea is relentless and debilitating; it's like food poisoning. I throw up multiple times a day. And when I’m not being physically sick, I’m so nauseous that I’d almost rather be. I have SO MANY triggers…. eating, not eating, the smell of food, drinking, not drinking, taking tablets, being upright too long, the smell of the kettle boiling or shower water, exerting too much energy, other people’s breath, the smell of people if they've eaten garlic or curry, brushing my teeth, even the thought of food or an advert on the radio about a carvery...needless to say I’ve kept vomit bags in the car since.
I sleep about 18 house a day if life allows (this helps as I’m not usually sick when I’m asleep) until about 16 weeks, and then I can get by on around 12. My stomach is so painful. I don’t go out unless I have to, I don’t have the energy to see people.
I check out of life pretty much.
All this said, this time round I’m on a cocktail of drugs to help battle the nausea, I’m just about to hit 20 weeks and I’ve noticed a shift so maybe this time will be different!
Why go through it a third time?
I ask myself this a lot at the moment and sickness aside, I could give you a thousand different reasons why it wasn’t a ‘smart’ idea. Short answer though, is that it felt like our decision was largely dictated by my horrendous pregnancy experiences, and the impact this has on our little family unit. I felt quite robbed by this, and also hated the idea of our decisions being by motivated by fear. So we prayed about it a lot. We didn’t feel peaceful about the decision to stop at 2, we had a moment of faith (like literally a moment), looked at our story so far, how God had always provided in crazy scenarios, and decided to go for it.
Apart from the physical symptoms, how does it affect you emotionally and spiritually?
On a bad day physically, I don’t have the energy to engage emotionally or spiritually. So to feel/notice a bad day emotionally and spiritually means that I’m slightly better physically. I feel low, lonely and isolated. I feel sad about the ‘life’ I’m missing out on, not spending time with our girls, and about how little I laugh. I despair about how long I have to go, I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel ‘done’ and unable to carry on. I cry and I’m not a ‘cryer’.
To be honest, I feel like I’m yet to learn how to engage in life spiritually when I’m depleted physically. I don't know what it looks like to have nothing within and be able to engage with God. I’d say most of my pregnancy is ‘bad’ spiritually, I don’t worship or pray much, I read the bible very little, I’m not able go to church regularly.
And what can a better day look like?
Physically, better days have come this time round from about 17 weeks . The mornings, I’m ‘functioning’, I can kind of parent (as in, I can definitely keep them alive). I can work in the morning (normally I work as a social worker in public health 3 days a week). I can eat breakfast and lunch without fear of throwing up. I can engage with God and people. I then derail from around midday and usually need to lie down/sleep for the rest of the day/night. Usually I’ll be throwing up again by evening.
Emotionally and spiritually a better day usually entails a sense of hope and faith; a feeling of ‘yes this is Hell, but I can see the finish line’. I laugh more, I feel less isolated (because I usually am), I pray more, I choose to worship and read my bible. I hear God speak (usually through worship or someone else).
Do you ever wish you weren’t pregnant?
I am so very thankful that I am able to fall pregnant, I am SO aware that pregnancy is a gift. I have numerous friends where the journey of falling pregnant and having babies, has been a road marked with pain and disappointment and hope deferred. I have cried alongside them as they’ve waited endlessly or grieved loss. I have petitioned God to intervene and breathe life. Just recently, I had the joy of meeting the miracle baby of a friend that we’d been praying for for FIVE long years - to say I was undone by it is an understatement. I don’t take it lightly that this has not been my story. And I don't want my very real feelings relating to my own pregnancy, to be read as insensitive to those whose story this is….
That said, truth is that this time round when I first found out I was pregnant, before I was knocked out by sickness, I was VERY thankful. But once the sickness kicked in, I’ve wished not to be pregnant pretty hard and pretty regularly. I can genuinely empathise with people who choose to end a pregnancy because it’s simply too much. The thought has crossed my own mind more than once. Do I feel guilty about this? YES. Does it go against what I believe and what I stand for? Absolutely. And I’m confident that short of God releasing me from it, I will feel the guilt even more when they’re here and I know them and I remember that these thoughts were my own.
I’ve had people innocently yet unhelpfully make comments to the effect of ‘well it was your choice’ or ‘you knew it would probably be like this’, which has sent me down a path of believing that this pregnancy is a self-inflicted bad idea. It wasn’t until recently that I was reminded of the fingerprints of God all over this life that I have been asked to steward, that this life is first and foremost His idea, that their destiny and days have been established since before time began. Yes we made choices but ultimately HE breathed life as only HE can. Am I thankful? I know I am, I know this life is purposed by the King of Kings, but I don’t feel it much of the time right now.
How does this all affect how you can ‘mum’ the other two?
I basically can’t actively 'mum' for more than a few hours and I only do it when there’s no other option. If I know I have a ‘whole day’ that I need to be mumming, I get really anxious in the lead up to it. My 4 year old watches 3 hours of TV while the 2 year old and I nap each day.
What 'help' do you have?
Our village has rallied round and the support is off the charts. My friend commented recently that, ‘it sounds like you don’t just have a village, you have a city’ and that pretty much sums it up. I’m welling up now just writing about it, like I do every time I think about it. We have been truly blessed and actively loved by the people around us.
We've had meals that are big enough to last a few days delivered to our home, pretty much every other day since I got sick. I have 2 amazing women at my church who have taken my girls for the whole day, every Thursday. Every week they've contacted me and offered. My daughter has done ballet for the last couple of years and the mums of the girls she does it with, have become somewhat of a Friday morning community, so Friday mornings we go to ballet and they help me out. On the rare occasions I am solo parenting, I have friends who let me and my girls camp out at their place so I’m not really solo parenting at all. Other friends or family have taken the girls for a few hours every now and again on weekends to give Moro, (my husband) some down time.
My colleagues at work have shouldered more so I can do less, and they allow me to sleep under the desk when I don’t have clients.
I have one friend in particular who has really journeyed spiritually with me. She has been a huge gift. I know I’m on her heart, she prays for me every time she sees me and when she does, God speaks to my heart and I’m reminded that He’s not forgotten me, that I’m seen by Him.
Moro is the greatest human I know. He works full time and with me being unwell he basically does everything else too. He’s on parenting before he leaves for work and from the second he walks back through the door in the evening. He does dinner, bath and bed. He PLAYS. The sound of laughter that comes up the stairs and floats through my doorway....
He deals with the kids' night wakings. He manages melt downs (theirs and mine). He tidies and cleans. He makes lunches. He grocery shops. I can now drink water (if and only if, it’s ice cold); the ice tray has not once been empty as he keeps it stocked. He hangs washing and takes it down and puts it way. He does daycare drop offs and pick ups. He does park dates and play dates on weekends. For all intents and purposes he is a single parent. And he still manages to have a sense of humour. He’s still gracious and kind and patient and fun. He still gets up early to pray with mates and makes time to speak to family/friends in the UK. He still somehow has energy to see people socially when it fits. He’s not able to put as much into his work as he would like, but it’s a sacrifice he’s made without fuss.
He’s always been the backbone of our family but never has it been more obvious.
Do your girls know you’re sick?
My 4 year old does. She’s always surprised when I actually go somewhere with them, like its a novelty as I usually stay in bed. She also notices the one food I happen to be able to eat at any given time. She asks me to ‘hurry up’ when I’m throwing up, as ‘it’s taking too long’. My 2 year old doesn’t really get it.
They have been impressively resilient. They love going to their friends' houses. Sometimes they cry when they don’t want to return home. Bittersweet.
They’ve actually been pretty incredible meeting me where I’m at, quite literally. They get home from daycare and come straight upstairs to see me in bed. They pop in and out of my room all day when they’re home, pottering or showing me things. They always have story time in our bed before they go to bed. For the first trimester I was barely conscious for this, but now I read to them.
How's the mum guilt?
I know I can’t change it. I know I do what I can. I hate it. But I know that it’s out of my control. Last time it really hit me once I was well again. For instance, at playgroup my daughter would go to another parent for ‘find your parent’ at story or singing time. Stuff like this was tough and made me realise just how much she'd come to rely on other people while I was sick.
Again bittersweet; grateful that there were others there for them, sad it had to be that way.
Along similar lines, the girls now usually both go straight to Moro when they’re hurt or need help or whatever. This is simultaneously the most beautiful thing, and heartache inducing.
Are you mad at God? Able to be thankful to Him?
I’m not mad at God, I don’t have the energy to be! Nor have I wanted to throw in my faith. I know it’s just a season that I have to ‘get through’. I do sometimes wonder why it’s like this for me and so different for others (but that’s a slippery slope and can be asked about most things in life). I’m thankful for Moro and for our girls, and the way they handle it. I’m thankful for the people He’s put around us and for the fact I can carry life. I wouldn’t say I’m thankful for the sickness, though it has given me a whole new level of thankfulness for being in good health (which I am when I’m not pregnant!).
I am able to worship when I’m physically slightly better, but those times it’s definitely still a choice. I’ve been surprised by how hard I’ve found it to actually speak or sing worship out loud (because of the energy it takes more than anything) but how powerful speaking or singing out loud actually is. Worship for sure, has really gotten me through; instilled hope and allowed me to both connect with and hear from God.
What’s the deal with you and pregnancies? (What happens to you?)
I get all the first trimester ‘morning’ sickness and exhaustion but to crazy extremes, lasting every waking hour from 5 weeks until the baby is out. My nausea is relentless and debilitating; it's like food poisoning. I throw up multiple times a day. And when I’m not being physically sick, I’m so nauseous that I’d almost rather be. I have SO MANY triggers…. eating, not eating, the smell of food, drinking, not drinking, taking tablets, being upright too long, the smell of the kettle boiling or shower water, exerting too much energy, other people’s breath, the smell of people if they've eaten garlic or curry, brushing my teeth, even the thought of food or an advert on the radio about a carvery...needless to say I’ve kept vomit bags in the car since.
I sleep about 18 house a day if life allows (this helps as I’m not usually sick when I’m asleep) until about 16 weeks, and then I can get by on around 12. My stomach is so painful. I don’t go out unless I have to, I don’t have the energy to see people.
I check out of life pretty much.
All this said, this time round I’m on a cocktail of drugs to help battle the nausea, I’m just about to hit 20 weeks and I’ve noticed a shift so maybe this time will be different!
Why go through it a third time?
Apart from the physical symptoms, how does it affect you emotionally and spiritually?
On a bad day physically, I don’t have the energy to engage emotionally or spiritually. So to feel/notice a bad day emotionally and spiritually means that I’m slightly better physically. I feel low, lonely and isolated. I feel sad about the ‘life’ I’m missing out on, not spending time with our girls, and about how little I laugh. I despair about how long I have to go, I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel ‘done’ and unable to carry on. I cry and I’m not a ‘cryer’.
To be honest, I feel like I’m yet to learn how to engage in life spiritually when I’m depleted physically. I don't know what it looks like to have nothing within and be able to engage with God. I’d say most of my pregnancy is ‘bad’ spiritually, I don’t worship or pray much, I read the bible very little, I’m not able go to church regularly.
And what can a better day look like?
Physically, better days have come this time round from about 17 weeks . The mornings, I’m ‘functioning’, I can kind of parent (as in, I can definitely keep them alive). I can work in the morning (normally I work as a social worker in public health 3 days a week). I can eat breakfast and lunch without fear of throwing up. I can engage with God and people. I then derail from around midday and usually need to lie down/sleep for the rest of the day/night. Usually I’ll be throwing up again by evening.
Emotionally and spiritually a better day usually entails a sense of hope and faith; a feeling of ‘yes this is Hell, but I can see the finish line’. I laugh more, I feel less isolated (because I usually am), I pray more, I choose to worship and read my bible. I hear God speak (usually through worship or someone else).
Do you ever wish you weren’t pregnant?
I am so very thankful that I am able to fall pregnant, I am SO aware that pregnancy is a gift. I have numerous friends where the journey of falling pregnant and having babies, has been a road marked with pain and disappointment and hope deferred. I have cried alongside them as they’ve waited endlessly or grieved loss. I have petitioned God to intervene and breathe life. Just recently, I had the joy of meeting the miracle baby of a friend that we’d been praying for for FIVE long years - to say I was undone by it is an understatement. I don’t take it lightly that this has not been my story. And I don't want my very real feelings relating to my own pregnancy, to be read as insensitive to those whose story this is….
That said, truth is that this time round when I first found out I was pregnant, before I was knocked out by sickness, I was VERY thankful. But once the sickness kicked in, I’ve wished not to be pregnant pretty hard and pretty regularly. I can genuinely empathise with people who choose to end a pregnancy because it’s simply too much. The thought has crossed my own mind more than once. Do I feel guilty about this? YES. Does it go against what I believe and what I stand for? Absolutely. And I’m confident that short of God releasing me from it, I will feel the guilt even more when they’re here and I know them and I remember that these thoughts were my own.
I’ve had people innocently yet unhelpfully make comments to the effect of ‘well it was your choice’ or ‘you knew it would probably be like this’, which has sent me down a path of believing that this pregnancy is a self-inflicted bad idea. It wasn’t until recently that I was reminded of the fingerprints of God all over this life that I have been asked to steward, that this life is first and foremost His idea, that their destiny and days have been established since before time began. Yes we made choices but ultimately HE breathed life as only HE can. Am I thankful? I know I am, I know this life is purposed by the King of Kings, but I don’t feel it much of the time right now.
How does this all affect how you can ‘mum’ the other two?
I basically can’t actively 'mum' for more than a few hours and I only do it when there’s no other option. If I know I have a ‘whole day’ that I need to be mumming, I get really anxious in the lead up to it. My 4 year old watches 3 hours of TV while the 2 year old and I nap each day.
What 'help' do you have?
Our village has rallied round and the support is off the charts. My friend commented recently that, ‘it sounds like you don’t just have a village, you have a city’ and that pretty much sums it up. I’m welling up now just writing about it, like I do every time I think about it. We have been truly blessed and actively loved by the people around us.
We've had meals that are big enough to last a few days delivered to our home, pretty much every other day since I got sick. I have 2 amazing women at my church who have taken my girls for the whole day, every Thursday. Every week they've contacted me and offered. My daughter has done ballet for the last couple of years and the mums of the girls she does it with, have become somewhat of a Friday morning community, so Friday mornings we go to ballet and they help me out. On the rare occasions I am solo parenting, I have friends who let me and my girls camp out at their place so I’m not really solo parenting at all. Other friends or family have taken the girls for a few hours every now and again on weekends to give Moro, (my husband) some down time.
My colleagues at work have shouldered more so I can do less, and they allow me to sleep under the desk when I don’t have clients.
I have one friend in particular who has really journeyed spiritually with me. She has been a huge gift. I know I’m on her heart, she prays for me every time she sees me and when she does, God speaks to my heart and I’m reminded that He’s not forgotten me, that I’m seen by Him.
Moro is the greatest human I know. He works full time and with me being unwell he basically does everything else too. He’s on parenting before he leaves for work and from the second he walks back through the door in the evening. He does dinner, bath and bed. He PLAYS. The sound of laughter that comes up the stairs and floats through my doorway....
He deals with the kids' night wakings. He manages melt downs (theirs and mine). He tidies and cleans. He makes lunches. He grocery shops. I can now drink water (if and only if, it’s ice cold); the ice tray has not once been empty as he keeps it stocked. He hangs washing and takes it down and puts it way. He does daycare drop offs and pick ups. He does park dates and play dates on weekends. For all intents and purposes he is a single parent. And he still manages to have a sense of humour. He’s still gracious and kind and patient and fun. He still gets up early to pray with mates and makes time to speak to family/friends in the UK. He still somehow has energy to see people socially when it fits. He’s not able to put as much into his work as he would like, but it’s a sacrifice he’s made without fuss.
He’s always been the backbone of our family but never has it been more obvious.
Do your girls know you’re sick?
My 4 year old does. She’s always surprised when I actually go somewhere with them, like its a novelty as I usually stay in bed. She also notices the one food I happen to be able to eat at any given time. She asks me to ‘hurry up’ when I’m throwing up, as ‘it’s taking too long’. My 2 year old doesn’t really get it.
They have been impressively resilient. They love going to their friends' houses. Sometimes they cry when they don’t want to return home. Bittersweet.
They’ve actually been pretty incredible meeting me where I’m at, quite literally. They get home from daycare and come straight upstairs to see me in bed. They pop in and out of my room all day when they’re home, pottering or showing me things. They always have story time in our bed before they go to bed. For the first trimester I was barely conscious for this, but now I read to them.
How's the mum guilt?
I know I can’t change it. I know I do what I can. I hate it. But I know that it’s out of my control. Last time it really hit me once I was well again. For instance, at playgroup my daughter would go to another parent for ‘find your parent’ at story or singing time. Stuff like this was tough and made me realise just how much she'd come to rely on other people while I was sick.
Again bittersweet; grateful that there were others there for them, sad it had to be that way.
Along similar lines, the girls now usually both go straight to Moro when they’re hurt or need help or whatever. This is simultaneously the most beautiful thing, and heartache inducing.
Are you mad at God? Able to be thankful to Him?
I’m not mad at God, I don’t have the energy to be! Nor have I wanted to throw in my faith. I know it’s just a season that I have to ‘get through’. I do sometimes wonder why it’s like this for me and so different for others (but that’s a slippery slope and can be asked about most things in life). I’m thankful for Moro and for our girls, and the way they handle it. I’m thankful for the people He’s put around us and for the fact I can carry life. I wouldn’t say I’m thankful for the sickness, though it has given me a whole new level of thankfulness for being in good health (which I am when I’m not pregnant!).
I am able to worship when I’m physically slightly better, but those times it’s definitely still a choice. I’ve been surprised by how hard I’ve found it to actually speak or sing worship out loud (because of the energy it takes more than anything) but how powerful speaking or singing out loud actually is. Worship for sure, has really gotten me through; instilled hope and allowed me to both connect with and hear from God.
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