Mothering Autism

Due to April being 'Autism Awareness Month', and to link in with the ongoing mothering series, I interviewed a mum who has two children with Autism. I'm very grateful for her honest answers...

A brief background…
We have two Autistic children. Our son is 9 and was diagnosed two years ago. Our daughter is 11 and was given a diagnosis in January 2018. Both our kids were initially referred at a young age (our son at 3 and our daughter at 5), but both of those assessments proved inconclusive, which means the process has taken a long time in both cases. Getting a diagnosis is just the beginning of a very long journey, but I feel like we’ve been in the ‘diagnostic’ stage for the past six years!

How does Autism show itself in your children?
They both have something called ‘social communication difficulties’ which means they don’t socialise in the same way non-autistic children do; they find it hard to understand social cues and all the ‘obvious/unsaid’ things that everyone else picks up on naturally. Our son also seems to have some cognitive processing delay (he can take a while to formulate sentences and answer questions) and his learning is quite delayed in some aspects. Our daughter is very high- functioning academically but struggles to understand implied meaning. Both of them are very rigid, literal thinkers, and show some form of ‘stimming’ behaviour (repetitive actions autistic people do to calm down or use as a thinking strategy). Our son paces/walks in circles when he’s thinking aloud. Our daughter at times does finger-flicking or rubs her knuckles together when she’s a bit stressed.

Both of them withdraw when overwhelmed and do a lot of self-talk, often repeating snippets of things they’ve read or heard (another calming strategy). A favourite movie can be repeated for days on end – I’m well and truly sick of Captain Underpants! Our daughter also has very poor organisational skills so she’s always losing things, doesn’t know what she’s meant to do between steps in a process and needs LOTS of reminders. You can see both our kids at times gazing at a fixed spot or standing still because they’ve zoned out or aren’t sure what to do next.

What’s the hardest/saddest thing about having a child with Autism?
I'm sure it changes, but at the moment it's the sense of missed opportunity, and how things might have been different. I'm still at the point where there's a growing sense of the battle ahead and as yet things being somewhat undefined. We’re now in the midst of applying for an EHCP (a Statement) for our youngest, and thinking about whether he can remain in mainstream education for secondary – a decision we can’t even begin to fathom. At the same time, we’re working out the transition process for our eldest from primary to secondary, trying to get to know a whole new Special Needs team in a completely different setting. I’ve joined parent groups/mailing lists/research projects and the paperwork is endless.

What’s the best thing?
The two of them. Who they are. It’s a common paradox that you wish they didn’t have the difficulties they have, but if they weren’t Autistic they wouldn’t be them. And they’re awesome kids.

Are there any funny moments?
All. The. Time. They’re odd kids. In a really good way.

How do you pray about Autism?
I don't. I pray for their needs. We pray that God will help them with the things they find hard, and encourage the kids to do that. My boy asks Jesus to help him with his learning like he helped Daniel, and he asks God to help him to stay calm when he doesn't understand what's happening. My girl struggles to pray at the moment, but I pray she will learn coping mechanisms to improve her focus and that God will deepen good friendships and help her relate to others. She's at a tricky point as she knows he brother is Autistic, and is beginning to recognise the things that make her 'different' from others. She mostly loves being 'weird and wonderful' but there are days when she really struggles with 'not getting it' and in her words, 'feeling like an alien'. It's heartbreaking.

Are there any verses/songs which help you carry Autism whilst having a relationship with God?
Funnily enough, the soundtrack to the movie The Greatest Showman. "This is Me" is a corker of an acceptance song, and "Tightrope" is a fabulous affirmation of a couple’s commitment to live a life on the edge, and walk it together. It helps me when I’m feeling wobbly! Our daughter’s big journey has been with disclosing her diagnosis to friends (she’s fully aware of what Autism is) and walking that line of accepting who she is as well as learning strategies to live and function amongst the rest of the world.
Lou & Nathan Fellingham recently wrote a song, adapted from the Hymn ''He Giveth More Grace" and Psalm 139 especially with the communication stuff; "before a word is on my tongue/you discern my thoughts from afar". God 'gets' my kids absolutely. Even when nobody else does. Even when they can't help anyone else understand them and can't articulate who they are. God gets them. They're not locked in by this thing. They're known deeply and loved deeply by Him. I don't know how my kids will fare through life with Autism. But I know that God knows, it's part of who He's made them to be, and He is their keeper, their provider and ultimately their rescuer.

Are you/have you been cross with God about it?
Heck yeah. And I'm sorry every time.

How does having a relationship with God help you as a mum?
It gives me an ultimate place of rest, even if it takes me a lot of scrabbling around in the dark to get there. It means there's reason in this. And a purpose beyond what I see and battle with in the day to day.

What is the best/worst thing people can say/do to help or make it worse?
Best is to just take us as we are if you can hack it. I think social isolation is one the worst. Our kids have very few close friends and social gatherings can be tricky, but the two of them long for connectedness and company, even if it takes a bit of supervision, and training for them. There are a few people who love us so well and pray for us and seek us out and seek our kids' company out. It's a balm to the soul because we (and they) don't get that on a day to day basis.
My pet hate, is when people say “I don’t know how you do it.” I understand where the sentiment comes from, and on a good day it IS encouraging to hear. On those days I can laugh and say “Neither do I!” The bottom line is, as with any form of adversity, we do it because there’s no other choice. We keep going because there’s nothing else to do. It’s not a compliment to say “I couldn’t do what you do” because actually if you had to do it, you would – end of.

Anything you want to add that I may have missed?
Most Autism parents are not experts. They, like all parents, learn on the job, constantly have to readjust, rethink, start over every day and do the best they can in the circumstances. They're not superheroes. Or intrepid pioneers carving out some new path. They're just people, by God's grace, doing the job at hand to the best of their ability. And they need to know they and their kids are accepted and loved as they are. That they don't need to make excuses. Or huge statements. That they don't have to exemplify some neat picture of 'walking with God' through Autism.

It's just life as it comes and some days we cope, and some days we don't. I look around at so many people with varying challenges and think, everyone has tough things they have to cope with. The challenge with something like Autism is that it's a constant thing. It's not a one-off moment of adversity. So even when it's "mild" (as might be my kids' case relatively speaking) there's no let-up. There are better and worse days, but it's an inherent part of life. And I'm sure I'll have lots of wisdom to impart once my kids reach adulthood. But this is it for now.

Now You See Me, Now You Don't

In the last blog, I looked at Hagar and how she was seen by God. I read a blog post a couple of years ago, called Nobody Saw You. It's about being a mum, and how a lot of what mums do isn't seen....the nose and bum wiping, the repeated story reads, the sleepless nights, the tantrum training, the losing it and apologising, the vomit clearing, the nursery rhyming, the bag holding, the gospel truthing, the tired crying etc 
(**The F word appears in it once, just a little warning). 

I remember crying as I read the blog post, because I resonated with it. I had a one year old, and a three year old, as well as the boy ones, and I was touched by it. Mummying can leave you a bit isolated, and feeling a bit invisible. You kind of want someone to see all the little bits that you have done, and give you a 'well done'. But a lot of those little bits aren't seen, and sometimes the house can look exactly how it looked at the start of the day, and the child can sound exactly how they sounded at the start of the day, and you can feel exactly how you felt at the beginning of the day. 

So much actually goes on, in the life of a mum, whether it's noticeable or not. 
The blog post, says at one point,

"Nobody sees you sometimes
but you are building something
that will never be torn down
a love that cannot be removed".

It speaks of a mother's love for her child, the building and training of that little person; a powerful thing indeed. 

"Train up a child in the way he should go; 

even when he is old he will not depart from it". Proverbs 22v6

The blog is written for a friend of the blogger, but I think it resonates with any mum. Like I said, it touched me personally. But also it gave me the challenge to make sure mums felt seen. So I bought some little bars of chocolate, some little bottles of wine, and some name tags. I simply wrote, "You are seen".  And I asked a few other mums to do it too. 

I stopped the car, and got out to give a mum of twins, a toddler and a dog my little goodies, and she was touched. I wanted her to know she was seen. I left a bottle of Gin outside a friend's house, who was and still is in a battle, letting her know she was seen. One of the mums I asked to help me, gave her little treat to a school mum whose son had been quite ill. She put a link to my blog, the above blog and their church details on the label. The mum burst out crying, and accepted a hug and the encouragement. And someone left a mini bottle of Prosecco out for me, which even though I had planted the idea, it actually really blessed me. 

So my challenge to all you mums is to bless another mum this week; a mum you know and maybe one you don't know. Could be a little bar of chocolate, could be a voucher, could be just a card, but let her know she is seen. Maybe you're a mum who longs to be seen, and known. Well this is the week to receive by giving.  Let her know she is seen by another mum, who understands. But more than that, she's seen by God, and loved dearly by Him. I'd love to know how it goes for you! 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, 

just as in fact you are doing". 1 Thessalonians 5v11

Now You See Me

Currently reading through the Old Testament, and I come across a character I was meant to blog about quite a while ago, but somehow she got overlooked...again. Dear old Hagar; a character that shouldn't really even be known to us, an Egyptian servant to Sarai, Abram's wife.

Now Sarai did what we all do, (in principal rather than in practise!). Sarai took things into her own hands. She trusted herself rather than God. She was self-sufficient, self-reliant, self-obsessed maybe. She was impatient and waiting for God's promise to come to light was taking too long, so she improvised. She took the steering wheel and made things happen.

What did this look like in Sarai's case? Well, even though God had promised her husband "as many offspring as there were stars", she decided to give her servant to her husband for him to marry and sleep with in order for him to have the offspring promised to him! Now that's quite an intervention, and there's a whole load of bad choices in this one action, and that's why I said earlier that we all do what Sarai did in principle, not in practise. 

Not surprisingly, this situation doesn't pan out so well. Hagar does indeed become pregnant by Abram. Hagar then arrogantly snubs her mistress Sarai. Sarai then blames Abram and asks him to deal with Hagar. Abram says its nothing to do with him!! And tells Sarai to do what she thinks is best. Sarai then mistreats her servant Hagar. Hagar runs away! Wow, Hollywood could use that storyline.

I could end the blog post here, with a good basis on why we shouldn't take things into our own hands, instead we should trust God for His provision and let Him fulfil what He has said is going to be. But I want to pick up on what happens next with Hagar...

While she's fleeing into the wilderness, the angel of the Lord comes to her. Let me stop you right there. When I'm fleeing into the wilderness; the wilderness of the snack drawer or my phone, I'd be pretty scared if the angel of the Lord appeared to me and asked me what I was doing, and where I thought I was going?! I reckon I'd feel pretty challenged there and then, with an answer of, "mmm I was thinking of eating this chocolate to bring me the comfort I seek". Or, "mmm I was thinking I'd scroll through my phone to escape the issues in my life". But Hagar is honest. She tells the angel of the Lord that she is indeed fleeing from her mistress. I just love Hagar's honesty. She doesn't play it down, or change it slightly, or make it seem better, or justify her actions or lie about it. She says it as it is. Yes Hagar, I have so much to learn from you!

Then the angel of the Lord, just tells her to go back to her life. He knows running away wont help her. She'd be running back to a life of Egyptian idols, pregnant and alone. It is better for her to go back to Sarai and even submit to her. It is better for me to come away from the snack drawer, the glass of wine, the phone, Social Media and back to real life, in submission to God's best for me.

Hagar calls God, 'You are the God who sees me'. The well that she is by is named, 'Beer Lahai Roi' as a reminder that Hagar was indeed seen by God. I love that God saw her. She had been used, treated badly, sinned against, and she had herself sinned, and then legged it, and God saw all of that. He saw her, He knew her, and He was with her all along. That is so reassuring. God sees me when I'm hurt, when I'm sinned against, when I'm sinning, when I'm raiding the snack drawer, and when I'm escaping on my phone. 

He sees me. I am seen by Him. 

Happy Mother's Day

What is a Mother?

I hear you ask...

Someone cheering on footie,

Maybe with a flask.

Someone working late,

Making a Book Day Mask.

Someone knowing what’s needed,

Before it’s asked.

Someone starting and occasionally finishing, 

A million tasks.

What is a Mother?

I hear you say…

Someone who attempts to keep

The monsters away.

Someone who wishes there were 

More hours in a day.

Someone who worries about you

So sits down to pray.

Someone who seeks God’s path;

Following the narrow way.

What is a Mother?

I hear you question…

Someone made in God’s image,

A beautiful creation.

Someone with burdens to carry,

Without a mention.

Someone with love to give

And peace to bring during tension.

Someone who knows what’s happening,

Without her full attention.

What is a Mother?

I hear you proclaim…

Someone who is called ‘mum’, 

More than her own name.

Someone who has seen many accidents,

But yet to make a claim.

Someone who needs grace,

Where she’s taken the blame.

Someone who lives to glorify

Jesus’ name.

What is a Mother?

I hear you request…

Someone who is simply

Doing her best.

Someone who puts others first;

That’s her quest!

Someone who is hoping for 

Just a little more rest.

Someone who still mothers

Even with an empty nest.

A mother is usually the one

Who holds your heart

Who puts it back together

When it falls apart

Not all mothers

Are even mums.

We appreciate you all

Each and every one.

Because You're Worth It

Mother's Day is a funny ol' day... Love the handmade cards and nice words, and the forced kisses from teenagers. I'm always going to appreciate new earrings, or a necklace. This year, my son bought me a fish! He told me he wanted to get me a fish, so we had 1:1 time together, popped to the garden centre and he chose a fish for me. (1:1 in itself is a lovely thing, which I should probably aim to do more of. It's nice to spend time with one of the six. You get a chance to see them for who they are, not as a brother or a sister, but just as your son or daughter. Note to self; diary in intentional 1:1 time). 

I had bought a leg of lamb, and apple strudel because I just knew that's what I wanted to eat. I set my alarm for 2am so I could put it in the slow cooker; rather pleased with myself, was I. A friend came for lunch and asked what else I needed, I simply told him wine and chocolate. I was quite sure what I wanted today! I wonder with motherhood, if you get so used to just putting other people's needs, wants and desires before your own, that you forget to have any actual needs, wants and desires of your own...

Proverbs 31 is an interesting chapter of the Bible isn't it?! (Check out my adapted version here.) Maybe we think of reading through this chapter on Mother's Day, and seeing if we measure up to her. Actually I'm not sure many women would do that, (but there is a lot of good in reading it). What us mothers might do however, or women in general, and maybe even men...is to compare ourselves with another. Am I doing a better job than her? Is she doing a better job than me? Are her kids happier than mine? Does she enjoy motherhood more than me? And that is generally an unhelpful mindset; whether we think we're the one bossing it in comparison, or whether we think we're failing in comparison. 

The verses I'm drawn to today, are the ones where she looks after herself. There's plenty about her looking after her household; her husband and her family. Then there's the verses about her looking after her community, and the poor. All wonderful things, and true of a mother; catering for all those needs. But verse 25 says;

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

'Clothed' says to me, that she wears it, she puts it on. She wears strength and dignity. She puts strength and dignity on. She doesn't muster it up. She steps into it. I want to stop and dwell on what that looks like for me. What brings me strength and dignity in who I am? What strengthens me? What helps my self-esteem, my self-respect? What brings honour specifically to me, to who God made me to be? I think there are things which are universal, like standing in the truth of God's word, what He thinks about me. But there are also things which bring us strength, things which are unique just to us. 

This Mother's Day, I'd like to encourage us mums to think about our own needs, wants and desires. I don't mean to the detriment of caring for our children. In fact, the opposite. We will ultimately serve our children better, if we've looked after ourselves. Do we need to diary in some 'me time'? Do we need a hair cut? Do we need a walk in the fresh air? Do we need to start a class of some kind? Do we need to find a creative outlet? Do we need a coffee out, which doesn't go cold? Do we need some time with friends? Do we need someone to encourage us? Do we need some help with the house? Do we need an early night? Or all of the above?!

And that wonderful next bit; she laughs at the days to come. How secure she is in the future, even the unknown, or the upcoming hard bits... Because she knows where her identity comes from. She knows she is loved by her father in Heaven. She is secure in Him. He's got her. He's for her. He adores her. He cherishes her. She not only knows it, she lives in it.

A Cup of Milk

Bedtimes can just be so full on!!

For the mum, it's like the finishing line; the thing they've been working towards all day. The epic finale to the show with it's various characters; people exiting and entering the main stage, with costume changes and intervals, and a script which seems so familiar, with huge amounts of comedic ad-libbing, forgotten lines and sheer dramatic performances. 

As the little people are ushered up to their beds, the mum starts to see the curtain tassles untie for the final close. She hopefully expects to hear rapturous applause, maybe flowers thrown on the stage; an appreciation of the performance she has given today. She was after all, the stage manager, the understudy, the main character, the background chorus, the prop handler, the care-taker all in one. She gave a great performance today, her children will probably call her blessed as they thank her for her parenting, laying their heads upon their pillow....

For the child however, this is the encore. They've got a whole other scene prepared. They're ready to bring out the fire eating act, and delve into the character of Verruca Salt. They have no idea you were even part of the show. This is their moment, and they're going to give it all they've got.

These two approaches to the final curtain call, can really cause some instability to the whole performance. I personally get all jittery, winding down to 'me time'. I don't want the kids to steal my time. And they love me sooooo much, that they want to squeeze out every last minute of time with me, which is nice!! It's funny because we don't do fair in this house, but it's just so unfair when they still have pillow demands of me....a cup of milk, the Bible, a kiss, a wee, a cup of milk, a philosophical question, a funny story, a lost dog, a cup of milk, something that happened at school, a cup of milk, a missing Lego man, a few tears, some water, a reenactment of a fairy tale, a stolen pillow, a form to be signed, etc.

Tonight, just getting the first two down was an emotional roller coaster, and I was spent. I had nothing else to give. My littlest asked for the Bible, while she drank her cup of milk. I took a deep breath, or was it a sigh, and I read the next story in her Bible; a story that she probably didn't understand, but it hit home to me. The story was about a man called Elijah who met a very poor widow. She only had enough flour and oil to make one loaf of bread, and then her and her son would die. Always a nice cheery story to read a two year old before she sleeps, but I read it in a cheery Mr Tumble voice, and skipped the death bit. Elijah asked the widow to make him a loaf of bread first, and then make her own bread, and God would see to it that her flour and oil didn't run out.

I was so stirred, that at this widow's hungriest and emptiest moment, she gave to someone else first. What a wonderful picture of motherhood; giving when we've nothing left to give, when we're spent, when we're done in. God provided for that widow in such a miraculous way; providing her with enough flour and oil, to ensure she didn't go hungry. He gives to me too. I'm probably not going to make my own bread anytime soon, although with oil and flour, and maybe a cup of milk, I could attempt some pancakes. But my Heavenly Father does give me grace, strength, energy, rest, and another tomorrow, to go again. He's never spent or done in. There was a moment when Jesus gave His life for me, when He gave His all in my place, when He lovingly went out of His way for me, so I never have to go without again. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

 that whoever believes in him shall not perish 

but have eternal life". John 3v16

Just Do It

So my first post of the year; New Year, New You, saw me claiming the word "Intentional" as my own, for the whole year! And it's been rather interesting so far. For starters, you can pretty much do anything and just add the word intentional to it, and it makes you feel better haha. Love an easy win.

I've had quite a few people message me encouragement from my Instagram stories, saying they've appreciated how I see the word intentional. I think I used to see it as 'do more', or at least, 'just do it' (Whatever it actually is) 'be better', 'try harder', and ultimately 'try to be someone I'm not', which can be really demoralising, tiring, and not honouring to God. He made me to be be, not someone else. 

However, He does want me to be the best me I can be (in His strength, not my own).

I had a bit of a blow out with one of my boys. It was one who I don't have many blow outs with; our personalities don't clash, and his temperament  is pretty chilled. He over reacted, and then I over reacted, then he was very frustrated and I equally so, resulting in tears and huffs from us both. He went off to read, and I went off to the kitchen.
The kitchen; my weird haven. It was close to his bedtime so I knew I could just get him into bed, and then have some time to blog, and intentionally encourage a mum or two and just breathe a bit.

I wondered what 'being intentional with my parenting' meant in that moment, and I found myself seizing the moment. I sat next to him on the floor, said what I was sorry for, asked what he was sorry for. We hugged, we prayed, we forgave, and I asked him if there was a film we could watch together. He reminded me that it was his bedtime, which is his way of asking, 'are we watching the whole thing, or are you going to make me stop half way'? (Something he doesn't like too much). And I said the most important thing for me right now was to 'lean in and love him'. So we watched a half decent movie about Earthquakes. I didn't blog, or encourage a mum. But I intentionally loved my son, and it was just so worth it.

There was another moment this week, where the kitchen was an absolute state. It had got on top of me, as it does. I had made a meal for a new born mum and her family, and then was stressing at having to make my own kids a meal, and clear the table so we could all eat together as a family... I knew it would be through gritted teeth. So instead I set up a little camp for the girls, which means 'drape the curtain over the sofa, and give them pillows', and I didn't ask the boys to come away from 'Ultimate Ninja' or whatever they were watching, and I just made a heap load of sausages which they ate in front of their screens. I don't know whether this was intentional parenting, or intentional breathing space. But I know it served us all better than if I had stressed to do the other stuff.

I think the word 'intentional' for me, has relieved some of the Mummy Guilt. Ah man, that 'I'm not good enough' feeling mums seem to get the moment a child is handed to them. What is that? And where does it come from? Eating sausages in front of screens could easily be seen as a fail, a 'not good enough', a 'can't be bothered', with just a load of mum guilt thrown in, especially when family meal times are really important to us. But for some reason, making an intentional decision to do this for me, for my sanity, for my capacity, lessened all of that. And of course, the kids think it was the best so it was a win win.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,

 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. 

You are serving the Lord Christ. Colossians 3v23-25

The Kitchen

The Kitchen; My Weird Haven

The Kitchen is where I spend most of my time

The kitchen is where I feed my tribe

The kitchen is where I makes cups of tea

The kitchen is where I provide for their needs

The kitchen is where we try and listen to each other

The kitchen is actually where we talk over each other

The kitchen is where we eat our food

The kitchen is where I gauge their mood

The kitchen is where they want after-school snacks

The kitchen is where we get family-time back

The kitchen is where we shoot nerf guns 

The kitchen is where I escape their fun

The kitchen is where I run to my phone

The kitchen is where I can be alone

The kitchen is where I'm reminded I'm messy

The kitchen is where I take a break from the stressy

The kitchen is where I do not bake

The kitchen is where I whisper, 'For Goodness sake'

The kitchen is where they come and tell

The kitchen is where I try not to yell

The kitchen is where I glance at the man

Thankful and bemused by this noisy clan

The kitchen is where they drop all the plates

The kitchen is where I start running late

The kitchen is where they do their chores

The kitchen is where they say they're bored

The kitchen is where I wash their clothes

The kitchen is where I butter the loaves

The kitchen is where tears are shed

The kitchen is where laughter is bred

The kitchen is where the dishes get clean

The kitchen is where they're not on their screens

The kitchen is where they tell me their day

The kitchen is where I try and pray

The kitchen is where my people sit,

to talk about life and marriage; all of it.

The Kitchen is where I do what I do

The kitchen, you're welcome, no matter who.

New Year, New You

So it's January again... I nearly managed to keep last year's Resolution, which was to keep my bank cards in my wallet. And the husband was right, (as he so often is on this subject), you do lose your cards less, if they're kept in a wallet, in a bag, rather than in a back pocket! Ha Who knew?!

I'm not really one for New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I just don't stick to stuff, and it feels really constrictive. But this year I have been unwillingly challenged in a few places, which is really not fair this early on in the diary...

A friend of mine shared a blog post about finishing the last year well, with the hope of starting the next one well too. You can read it here. I responded with 'eurgh I hate these things', like the mature godly woman that I am. I don't know what it is about those things that make me squirm; possibly the non completer/finisher in me, possibly it's being married to Mr systematic, (he would LOVE this blog post, and probably suggest that we read it together every week), possibly it's the fear of being boxed in, maybe it's laziness, I don't know. But for the first time, I felt compelled to not only read the blog post, but give it some actual thought and time, and even practically do what it says! 

This, alongside being challenged by a couple of friends of mine to follow Allie Casazza on Instagram. (Shes a de-cluttering guru, who encourages people to think of a word or phrase for the year ahead; something that will inspire you, spur you on, refocus you etc.) After joking about the words 'Shallow' and 'Prosecco', I completed the above blog post challenge, and I have come up with the word 'Intentional', which I kept forgetting at first. But now it's staying put for the year, and now I've told all of you, so there's no backing out of it.

I feel like God has spoken to me about my negative view of words/blog posts/conversations etc on structure, routine, disciplines, resetting, focus, goals even.... and He would actually like me to use some of these things to be more intentional with what He has called me to do. Challenge accepted! Mmm...not that easy is it, if it's just not your comfort zone. Happy to have 6 kids and live at a fast pace, and high capacity. Not so happy to add structure and a time table into my week, in case I cant be me anymore. I am however made in God's image, and He is all about the order, and the spontaneous all at once, so I'll take His lead. Always a good idea!

So in case you want to know, this year I aim to be more intentional in the following areas;

*Intentionally reading the Bible daily (for me and for the benefit of others).

*Be intentional with my time 'right now' and for the week ahead.

*Be intentional with my parenting and my marriage.

*Intentionally trying not to get frustrated with the kids.

*Be more intentional with a certain blog I write.

*Be an intentional encourager!

*Ask God to speak to/through me.

Let me know if God speaks to you, if you have a word for the year ahead, or ask me about my list...

"Now may the God of peace...

 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever." Hebrews 13v20-21

TalkTalk

The other evening, I only had one child in the house with me. His two little sisters were in bed. One of his brothers was at a gig with his dad, one was at a youth group, and one was at a Youth Small group. So it was just me and him; a rare moment in this house, just two  people. That's just one conversation going on! 

I think one of the most intense things about having a big family, is the amount of conversations which can be going on at any given time. I'm sure there is some wonderful mathematical way of working it out, but I'll leave that to the people who enjoy stats.

From a mum point of view, its about one million! Some of them, talk without ceasing I'm sure. Now, I'm a chatter so I am partly to blame for the volume of words used...but the thing which takes a lot of patience with this parenting malarkey, is the third party.

You'll be having a conversation with one or two children, but then a third and even a fourth pipe up with something not so helpful, or funny, or just their opinion. Basically something distracting which takes away from the original conversation which you were in the middle of having. Then you have to repeat yourself to ensure you have been understood.

And if a 5th child enters in, it's anarchy. 

(Of course if you have a two/three year old then you're in the repetition stage, which is a whole load of conversation from one tiny human being; they ask a question, you give the answer, they repeat the question, you repeat the answer. They may throw in a 'why' at which point you know you're doomed, and you admit defeat with "just because..." But then something will trigger the 'ask, answer, repeat' scenario. For us currently, it's the traffic lights. When we stop at red, she asks about it, we explain, she asks again....until the next traffic light. Such fun to be had on Brighton seafront!)

The funniest/most stressful of the 'conversation interuption', is when I'm using a slightly raised voice, let's call it a stern voice, so less than shouty, but still with eyebrow involvement, and one of the others just interrupts with nothing relating to the original conversation at all, but now they have found themselves on the receiving end of the stern voice, when they had done nothing wrong. This is both confusing for mum, and said child, and it is a tricky thing to manage the transition from one tone to another with different children. You may have to apologise to the interrupting child, because they have been unfairly 'wrong toned'. Plus the original child, the one being told off, now thinks the conversation is over so they wander off and you have to start again... Aaarrggghhhhh!!

Anyway, that was a lot of words to describe a lot of words. Haha. So back to me and my boy... Now one of the bits of advice we've stolen/borrowed in regards to parenting, is to be available whenever possible and to get into their worlds. When there's multiple children in the house, I hear myself saying "yes in a minute", sometimes because I simply can't get round to all their needs in one go, and sometimes to fob them off, in the hope they forget. But this evening, there was just the one, so I decided to be available to him.

Well...he was on the PlayStation playing a Marvel game, and he sure tested my availability.  "Mum, come and look at what Hulk can do". "Mum, come and look at Captain America's shield". "Mum, look at this epic battle". "Mum, watch me drive this car". "Mum, come see how cool this is". "Mum, look at Iron man fly". "Mum, look what happens if I do this", "Mum, I got multiple coins, look". And with each one of these 'totally cool' observations, I got up and went into the lounge from the kitchen. We engaged in a few minutes conversation about the wonder that beheld him, until he was totally zoned in again, oblivious to my existence once more. Nineteen times I responded, fully engaged in the wonders of Marvel, in less than half an hour. It was amusing to say the least, but I know God spoke through it.

God is always available to me, always. Whenever I call on Him, He's there, available, interested, engaged with me. Sometimes I may not feel as though He is, but if His Bible is true, then He's there, regardless of my feelings. He's never busy dealing with someone else's need, unavailable to me. It's not a chore for Him to say "Yes daughter".

And He's actually interested. I was interested in what my son had to say, but I sure faked some of the excitement of blowing up a Lego villain. God is interested in me. He really likes what I've got to say. He doesn't think I talk too much. Sometimes I think I wont bother God with the little details of my life, but I need to learn to be more like my son was with me. I need to be much more chit-chatty with God. He's my Heavenly Father and He's interested in each conversation, each feeling, each thought, each concern, each fun thing, each exciting thing, each thing I've learned, each fear, each dream, each random bit about me. It's so valuable to have quality time with God, to study His word and take time to hear from Him, but I think there is a real gain to conversing freely with Him too.

Quite simply put...

"pray without ceasing" 1 Thessalonians 5v17

Load of Old Rubbish

No laptop means no blogging! I managed to post the last one on an old iPad. It's one of my favourite things, that old iPad. It doesn't really do much nowadays, hence the lack of blogging. It has it's own little flaws; It doesn't let you go back to see what you've already written. Maybe that's a good thing; I could just go for it, no regrets, but the grammar police would get me, and what if it's too funny, (if there is such a thing) or too serious (I doubt it), or too honest (nah honesty is good for the soul) or it just misses the point...

Anyway, editing isn't really possible, neither is photo transferring, and it is soooo slow.... But I love it. I love it because a dear friend of mine bought it for me, (one of those friends who doesn't have spare cash). She bought it for me when I said I was thinking of blogging, and she wanted to encourage my writing gift. How kind is that?! I also love it because of the valuable lesson it taught one of my boys when he smashed it. (Take a look at iBroke). And of course the valuable lesson it taught the husband. Thirdly, it is a glorified babysitter. It will show countless annoying episodes of Peppa Pig, and totally perfect episodes of Topsy & Tim, literally for as long as I tell it to. 

I guess it's easy to assume it's rubbish now, seeing as it doesn't do what it was maybe designed to do. It's probably monetarily worthless. There are much better models out there. But it's mine, and I'm fond of it...

My mother in law had a wonderful parenting revelation for me recently. I was explaining the attitude you can get back from the kids, along with the burdens and upsets they carry, and how hard that can be. (She parented the husband, so experienced a bit of backchat). He always has to remind me not to take it personally, which I totally do. 
And then she said, "Well of course, you're the dustbin. They're meant to unload all their rubbish into you, so they feel better, and then they don't have to carry it around themselves. You mustn't hold onto that rubbish either. It's not yours to keep".

Well...that revelation of course brought me to tears. It was just such a simple picture of what it can feel like to be a mum; the days when they're sad and you can't fix them, the days when they're mad and you can only try to understand them, the days when you're to blame, even when you're technically not to blame...whether it's a two year old's tantrum, or an older child's outburst, whether it's injustice to one, or heartache for another, this is all offloaded to you the parent, which of course can feel a bit rubbish. 

But like my mum in law wisely suggested, we mustn't keep hold of that rubbish. That wont do us any good whatsoever. We will simply go off! We'll rot. We'll just stink! We need to offload it ourselves. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Matthew 11v28-30

God the Father said these words to us, to encourage us to come to Him, to give our junk to Him, and receive His rest instead. My youngest daughter LOVES the bin lorry. Monday mornings rock her world, as she watches the man take our bin, attach it to his bright green truck and empty the contents into it. They have a weekly wave. It's a very joyous occasion. 

And this is how we should be, with our kids' rubbish, gladly offloading it to The One who can fix their sadness, The One who does understand why they're mad today, The One who took it all and put it on His son's shoulders when He died. Jesus who wasn't at all to blame, not even just a technicality, took it all so that we could live abundantly, so that our kids could live abundantly, even in the midst of their woes.

Sometimes I think I'm a bit rubbish, a bit worthless; there's much better models out there. But when I start thinking like that, I realise I've kept hold of some rubbish. I've started to go off and stink a bit. That's not how I'm designed to be. God is very fond of each one of us. I will look at the bin lorry itself with fondness this week. (Maybe not too fondly, in case I freak out the bin men). But it will be a reminder for me to not keep any rubbish, but to gladly see it carried off, never to be brought back.