Livin' on a Prayer

I recently interviewed my big brother about his battle with cancer. I've cheesily titled it 'Livin' on a Prayer', because it's our go-to Kareoke song and kind of appropriate for this post. 

This is Gary's story.

When did your battle with Cancer start?
December 2020, I was in my workshop. I felt an aching in my leg and my lower back that didn’t go away. I did the typical bloke thing and ignored it, popped Ibuprofen like they were sweets. August 2021, I had a big lump cut out of my leg, on my sister's birthday!

Where is your 'Cancer journey' at now?
Well it’s a mixed bag really. Basically it’s stage 4, classed as incurable and medically they are looking to prolong my life. I have a large sarcoma in my chest which had recently shrunk, but it has recently grown again and it has partially collapsed a lobe in my left lung. I now have tumours in my liver and it’s now back in my leg. I have been receiving Immunotherapy after having Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy. Chemo didn’t really work for me. Unfortunately the immuno  hasn't really been working either it seems. I now have a new issue in my tube leading to my bowel which may also be a lesion, so they are going to try me on a different chemo drug…

How has the cancer restricted your every day life, or changed you? The location of the tumour in the chest has been pushing on my lung and it is surrounding an airway, so breathing can be tricky. The new one in my leg will restrict my mobility. Not being able to work as a Community Pastor has been really tough. I’m not as invincible as I thought I was. That's not a nice thing to learn. And I can be really stroppy and lose my ‘filter’ easily. I may be a pastor, but I’m also human. (Some people close to the interviewee, say the stroppy bit isn't a new thing). 

Have you looked at anything differently since your diagnosis? 
Yeah, life! I want to live it. As Christians we read scriptures and sing songs about getting to Heaven and having no troubles anymore when we get there. But I don’t want to go there yet. My Bible verse is Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain". I just don’t want to gain yet!!! I struggle to sing those songs. Once you realise you may die, you realise what you have and also what you won’t possibly see in the future on this earth. I want to spend more time with the family and my friends and also drive the Mustang more! I want to spend time with my grandson. He’s pure joy and when I’m with him, it all fades away for a moment.

So, you have you looked at the possibility of dying? 

I’ve looked at the possibility of dying yeah, but I do also know that one day, whether it is here on earth or when I get to Heaven I will be healed. In God's timing, and in His will, or as the film Gladiator puts it, 'In this life or the next'. Not being healed does challenge your faith especially when so many people that I know are praying for me. What does that do to their faith if I’m not healed and I die? That's something I think about.

If God doesn't heal you, isn't that a bit harsh?
You could say that but it’s life I’m afraid. Whatever happens you can blame God but ultimately life and death are His decision. Evil and sickness was never His intention for us but he’s given us a way out of that through Jesus. If my death glorifies God in any way shape or form then that’s what matters. I’m not going to skip down the road singing Hallelujah if he doesn’t heal me, I will probably be really stroppy and upset!

Did you find it funny when your sister bought you chocolate fingers while you were having Chemo treatment? It was hilarious…not! The last time she visited me in hospital was when I lost my fingers due to a lawn mower accident, and she bought be chocolate fingers as a gift. Oh, ha ha!!!

Lots of people ask "why me?" Do you think you deserve cancer or it shouldn't be your battle? Why me? Why not me? Why am I any different from anyone else?
I don’t think anyone deserves anything like this. I believe we live in a fallen world that needs healing and that healing started at the cross in Jesus’ death and resurrection. That gives us access to be with Him for eternity. I’m just asking if I can stay here a bit longer.

Are you scared of possibly dying? Have you discussed it with loved ones?
I’m not scared, I just don’t want it to happen yet. Yes we’ve had some chats about it as a family but we have said we won’t properly go there until we need to. 

What's your biggest fear?
Not seeing milestones in my family's lives. I fear not seeing my other sons get married or not seeing my grandson walk or go to school or not meeting future grandkids. When I am faced with the possibility of not seeing that, that’s my fear.

The Bible says 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick'. What do you think this verse means? Being a Spurs fan! Ha. I believe this scripture talks about worry, anxiety, depression and the sadness you feel when you realise your hopes and dreams may not be fulfilled. I’m a ‘cup half full’ guy but cancer keeps wanting to empty it. I try not to let these things get to me but it’s a daily battle, so I need to add things into my life that keep my cup filled up. 

Have you upped your praying or lessened your praying?
Honestly, I’ve prayed less and ranted more! I’ve beseeched, bargained and bawled my eyes out. My prayers these days are less about me and more about my family. Sorry if that sounds un-christian of me, but I believe prayer is an ongoing conversation with God. He knows my thoughts, he sees my hurts and joys and when I turn these to Him in the way we Christians call prayer, it’s heart felt and it's yearning… it's just not all the time.

Do you think having cancer has tested your faith?
Big time, and I challenge anyone who says it wouldn’t test theirs. As I’ve said, I don’t say ‘why me?’ But instead, ‘seriously God?’ 

Are there any Bible verses or worship songs that you have dwelt in? Or any you have avoided? At the beginning of this recent return of cancer I didn’t listen to or read anything. I was sent a lot of scriptures and songs to listen to, by well-meaning people but I was so fed up with God and cancer at the time, that I didn’t want to know.

In fact, the songs that brought be back to unmuting myself from God were Hello Heaven, Hello by Yungblud and Malibu by Mumford and Sons - the lyrics to these songs resonated with my perspective of living with incurable cancer. Sometimes we need to listen to the songs written by people we would class as secular. They don’t sugar coat their feelings and that’s what I’ve needed. I find some worship music a bit…plastic fantastic!

Saying that, I speak Jesus and Gratitude are worship songs I have dwelt in. At the moment I am listening to a Christian artist called Stephen Stanley on loop. It’s not worship
music in the way we see worship music, but the lyrics are how I feel and it resonates. 

This lyric from Malibu,"under his wings you will find refuge" is from Psalm 91v4. A hospital Chaplain prayed it over me one time, and I also received this scripture in the form of a painting from a Christian artist I know. These independent sources confirmed to me that God was speaking to me at that time. 


Why do you think God allows suffering?
Like I said before, we live in a fallen world which needs healing. Suffering isn't God's intention. The world got messed up, not by God but by us rebelling from Him. I do believe that the suffering we go through strengthens us. Romans 5v1-5 talks about this.“And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." ‭‭I’ve lived long enough to face all these things, be strengthed and still have hope. I’m not sure if I could say the same if this had happened to me when I was younger, as I hadn't seen suffering stregthen people. I also believe that we as humans, have been charged by God to help alleviate suffering in this world. 

Are you angry at God? Are you even allowed to be, as a Christian?
Yep, I have been angry at God, and annoyed at him, but I believe he’s ok with that. I don’t stay angry as I find hope in His reminders in scripture and other ways I see Him evidenced in the world around me. He’s a loving parent, we are His kids. Our own kids get annoyed and angry at us sometimes but it usually doesn’t last long. 

You don't get annoyed by your favourite sister though do you?
No, she's nothing but joy and light.

**Some words may have been changed without the interviewees knowledge or consent**.

As a pastor how can you help people have hope when you yourself might be struggling?
Just smile and wave! Seriously, I could become the most miserable person because of this cancer, but that’s not the Jesus I follow. When I read of his short lived life on the earth it was and still is, an example to us all. Christ on the cross had compassion for a thief, both of them had been and were being tortured. I’m not comparing my plight to that, but if Christ showed compassion in His suffering then so will I. He is the one who gives hope. I know the hope I have of eternal glory. My struggle with hope is for healing.

The Royal Marsden has been your place of treatment and care. How has that been, and what's the plan going forward? It has been fantastic, really pleased with the care I have received. Some stuff has worked and some stuff hasn’t but the nurses and doctors have been brilliant. Gold standard for sure. I’ve been told there aren’t many treatments left after this, maybe more chemo, radio on the leg.

Anything you would like to add?
I’m hoping this is an honest reflection of where I’m at. We aren’t superhuman as pastors. We are human, but we can be put on unhelpful pedestals, which we easily fall off. My family are great and their faith is also a strength to me. My church family have been awesome, I can’t thank them enough for their support. I think that when I come face to face with God He might have a few words with me, but in reality I know He will just want me to be in His arms and that’s what I’m hoping for…one day.

Stay At Home

In addition to all the new things that we are currently facing, I find myself with a new job. For most of my parenting journey, I have been a Stay-at-Home-mum, which is a ridiculous description because I rarely stayed at home. I and the little people in my care would have gone stir crazy if we stayed at home. I think it works for some kids and some mums but for me and mine, it was park, carbs, park, carbs, repeat. 

A moment came when I decided I liked kids so much, that I should take more of them in and  start childminding. By this time, enough of mine were in full time education that it seemed a good balance. The husband partly loved that season, because Ofsted required a tidy environment to raise other people's kids in. But he also came home to extra children in the house who were being entertained with paint and glitter. 

I mainly looked after friends' kids. Some who needed to work for financial reasons and some who needed to work to keep their sanity. I enjoyed having little ones around and uploading photos with witty diary entries, partly because of my comedic genius and partly because kids are just hilarious. I had a particular pairing of girls - one an enthusiastic hugger and one who reluctantly put up with the affection that came her way. The day arrived when my littlest went into school, and as much as I thought I would take in a higher ratio of children, I decided enough was enough and I should just stick to the ones I birthed.

This and lockdown coincided with my brother in law needing some admin support for his landscaping company. The brother in law, the best man at our wedding happens to also be my oldest friend from our teen years, so nearly five years of fun ensued as we booked in slabs and I learnt the importance of getting diggers ordered to arrive on site, rather than at his home address. The confidence I gained in that role in addition to the transferable mum skills that I brought along with me, probably pushed me to apply for a job that I may have thought was outside of my reach previously. I got quite the telling off from one of my sons when I was prepping for the interview. I had tearfully said that I did not want to feel stupid. He reminded me of who I was in Christ and who I was as a Dawson. It was one of those teaching moments from his youth that had beautifully returned to bite sharpen me.

So that brings me up to date with a new role in finance admin. It doesn't quite feel very me but I look forward to going to work each day which is a win, and I'm enjoying developing a new skillset. Part of the joy of going off to work in an office every day, has been sourcing a capsule wardrobe sponsored of course, by Vinted. I have a new work bestie who started at the same time as me, and she very kindly put us in the same age bracket. 'Clock it', as she would say. 

Me heading out to work, has been a funny adjustment for our household. Thankfully the husband has been able to finish his working day at home so the youngest two aren't alone for too long. This has been the first half term that I have not been with the kids, which has been a real mixture of emotions for me. I have embraced the freedom after two decades of being a stay-at-home mum. I have of course felt the standard mum guilt and quite simply, I have just missed being around them. I am very aware that me being able to be with the kids for so long, has been a really privileged position to be in which I have really loved. I know that some mums simply haven't had the choice not to work and some haven't enjoyed staying home. 

I remember having a conversation with a mum who also worked outside of the home. She had come across the phrase 'full time mum' as if her being at work somehow made her a part time mum. The mumming, the responsibilty, the care, the mental load, the weight, the juggle is a full time role regardless of how much is done in the home.

It is another muscle stretch for me, for our household and also in learning to trust God in a new way. There always seems to be new ways to trust Him. I take wisdom from the much admired and sometimes hard to reach woman of Proverbs 31. She takes care of her household, and if she was alive today, she would definately have a Vinted selling page!

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed..." Proverbs 31v25-28

What's the Plan?

I made a Reel yesterday, because I wanted to share a snapshot of the last few months and visuals can really help to capture a moment. But then again, so can the written word...

We are eight months into a new move. That in itself seems ridiculous. I can't quite tell if it feels like we only moved last week, or if we have always been here. When does it stop being a new move?! We were in the last house, the last neighbourhood for twenty years, in the last church for 25 years. That's a lot of time, people, memories, cups of tea, raising kids and blessings to be grateful for. A fair few disagreements and head injuries too! It does feel strange having our old stuff in a new place, our blue sofa in a new lounge (which needed a bit of sledgehammer help on day one to make it fit) our interesting ornaments accompanying us from one shelf to another and I'm pretty sure the husband tactically misplaced some items in the move. 

I remember asking people for advice, as to whether we should move or not, a pendulum swinging with pros and cons. I can mentally play out the tearful, "you should go, but we don't want you to" responses. I remember wanting to have an obvious Neon flashing sign telling us what to do. I remember the lack of peace and literally feeling sick from not knowing; such an unsettling season, but one we know grew us in new ways as a couple and in trusting God. We took wise counsel hearing that sometimes God asks us for obedience, which can actually be easier than the times where He ask us to choose. And sometimes we simply have to see where faith leads us and where faith settles.

I look back on the big prayers I sent up to God, (accompanied by tears and fasting) in regard to the teens - moving teenagers who were knitted into their communities and happy with their Brighton lives. I didn't want them to be damaged in any way by the move, happy for challenges to grow them, but not for the whole experience to break their relationship with mum and dad or with God. I watched as God answered a specific prayer for one of them, and I remember the day the pendulum stopped moving, and we knew our hearts had settled on going. The pain of telling people was no less easy, but knowing our hearts and minds were settled, were at peace, helped us with the trickier parts. 

We came to realise that when buying and selling a house, people have unnerving strories to tell. A bit like labour, everyone has a unique, sometimes terifying narrative! Keeping the house tidy for viewings was a particularly stressful time for one of us in this marriage and a joy bringer to the other! (Similiar to when I got Ofsteded as a Childminder) but we did manage to do a really good de-clutter. Stacey Solomon would have been proud. 

We ended up moving into a temporary home, waiting for our Brighton house to go through. Now the last time we were in temporary accomodation was when we were made homeless and ended up in Eastbourne, but that is another story for another day! This time, we found ourselves in the beautiful home of a couple from our new church. They very generously housed a family of five with spacious bedrooms, cooked meals, card games, and real warmth. Different family members were blessed further by Sky Sports, panda curtains, cornflake apple crumble and a tea tap (well a boiling water tap). They got to witness some raw moments as we processed the move as a family, and they let us help decorate their Christmas tree! A very special home from home, when we needed it.

We moved into our new house two months ago today! People near and far have been very kind with practical help, cards, gifts, flowers, and even postal brownies and cookies. And now we are making this new house our home. The husband has built a wardrobe, a spice rack and a book shelf and I have searched Facebook marketplace for new dining room chairs. The littlest has Panda-ised her bedroom, the oldest has covered his floor in tools. We have shared pancakes and meals at our table, with people who have known us forever and those we are just getting to know. We have had sons and wives come to visit, and have made ourselves known to the neighbours... a funny mix of old and new.

As Spring starts, and Easter gives us the promise of new life, you can't help but wonder what will be? Who will we get to know? What stories will be told? What tears will be shed over a cuppa? What extra mouths will we end up feeding? Whose hearts will bond with ours? Who will stay over? Who will move in? Who will move out? What will get broken here and what will get mended? 

There is a famous Bible verse which says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29v11 

We are trusting God that He knows what He is doing. He knows what He is doing with us, what He is growing in us and what He will use us for. We are trusting that He has already thought things through. He has plans for us. He has plans for this household, for this home, for the new chairs around the kitchen table. He has plans for those we left behind and even for teenagers. He doesn't always let us in on the details of those plans, but He does ask us to follow His ways. He's not surprised by circumstances or left wondering what will happen next. His desire is to prosper us, not to harm us. He may well challenge us and grow us along the way, but He has hope for us and a future. Wow, what an encouragement, what a standing we have, what security. It means that when we don't know what the plan is, God does. When we are asking about the 'how comes', the 'what ifs' and the 'whys',  we may not get a flashing Neon sign but we know God is faithful, He can be trusted, He wants good for us and He will direct us, whether we move or whether we stay right where where we are.