It Was All Going So Well...

It was all going so well...(the best start to any story); she had told people, even in the last few days that she was finding this lockdown possibly easier than the other two lockdowns, attributing this maybe to outside circumstance. Oh how she wished she could attribute her well being to her stable inner-self, her faith in God even, but she knew herself only too well to know that circumstance was still a major influence on her emotional stability. 

She had started the morning well. It was early enough to make herself tea and toast, and take it back up to her room. She knew her presence wasn't required yet. She had a window of time, a window of opportunity to consume her breakfast in the quiet of her bedroom quarters. She knew the timing, she sensed the opportuinty, and she took it. Soon the devices would need to be switched on, and plugged in, while a persistent adult from the other side would attempt to engage the screen watchers. Will they respond today? Will they wait until the end of her thought-out speech, just to say, 'You were on silent Miss'? Will they rub the sides of their heads, no doubt mirroring the persistent adult's behaviour? Can they both go through this again?

But that time had not come yet. Instead in the peace and quiet of her bedroom, she began to breathe, to meditate, to allow song from her own device to filter into the room around her. She joined in the chorus with gumption, longing for the days when she would also know the verses too. It did her good, a great start to the day. With love and enthusiasm she awoke the inhabitants of the other rooms. Their grunts and glooms did not match her buoyant spirit. It was all going so well.

With devices on, the screen watchers were engaged to various degrees dependant of course, on their own attitudes, on the persistent adult's ability to peak interest, and if another member of the shared room was in their space or not. Then she did something unheard of. After spending some time alone with her thoughts earlier in the morning, in her bedroom quarters, she attemtped to go there again. This time not to breathe and meditate as once before, but to organise, to sort, to tidy, to clean, to hoover. What was she thinking? She knew this could not possibly work. She had tried this before, to no avail. To sort, to tidy, to bring order while the house was full, was foolishness. She argued in her mind, 'but the house is always full'. She knew this argument may well be truthful, but it would not change the outcome. Yet she ploughed on with her recklessness.

One by one the inhabitants needed her, demanded her presence, requested her answers, sought her help. She would give them instruction from the upper dwelling place, rather than engage with them on the lower level of the house. And one by one it seemed, the inhabitants would allow the instructions to magically disappear, as if they could not even hear her cries, her words, her helpful comments, her threats even. She was being clear, and loud it seems, but once they heard the words, they became like frosted glass, distorted, unable to make any sense.

Yet still she pushed on with ordering her room. Why? Why would she bring this onto the household? She knew better. But she had a goal, and she went for it. She had made it to that part where it looked worse than when she had started. She couldn't quit now. She had to defend herself when the accusations came; she wasn't shouting, she was merely trying to be heard over the hoover. One of them unhelpfully pointed out that it wasn't on. Eventually she stomped downstairs with disdain for anyone who came across her path. One of them was cartwheeling and one was on a trampoline.Why were they not plugged in? Did she reslly need to orbit them for them to stay where she put them? One was entertaining the family dog. One had arranged to go out, to take a turn around the park with one other member from another household. 

She threw her arms in the air, like she just didn't care. But of course she did care, and she just wanted one of them to care. She yearned for one of them to see what she has carried. She went to non-screen watcher after non-screen watcher flinging words and arms and huffing and puffing. The house was indeed falling down. She went to the one screen watcher who was engaged and gave them a piece of her mind too, for no reason. The switch had been switched and she lit up all the rooms. She needed a power cut.

A teary redhead inhabitant approached her and stated that maybe she was taking some stuff out on the household. Although she knew that the redhead was indeed right, she did not want this information to be so publically shared. This would mean acknowledging the redhead's wisdom in the moment. She agreed passionatly that the redhead was probably right. But she also told the redhead that she had every right to be responding this way. The redhead went to her room, and took her tears with her. So freely she went to her room, no one needing her. 

The reminder of earlier's song and meditation came to mind. It felt like so long ago, a distant time, a memory. It was however about two hours ago. She could choose to step back into that moment, in the here and now. She could allow herself the humility to stand down. She could choose to walk with her God in this moment too. She didn't need to count all the times she had had to do this before. She could lean in again to the demands and the needs and the requests. She could actively decide for circumstance to not be her master. She went to the redhead and apologised for her lack of gentleness. She went to another and used the same words, and another the same. She gave the prickly one space, so their thorny bits smoothed down, protecting all involved from unneeded prickly hurts. The inhabitants didn't hold grudges. They were kind and bouncy. She appreciated them for this. They were just how she needed them to be. It could all go well again. 

"...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4v1-3