Inside Out

So the kids went back to school a month ago! But now they're all home again, because it's Half Term. But this time, no one is having to log in to any lessons or claim a laptop. I'm pretty sure the one not taking GCSEs and the one who started ALEVELs during a pandemic, should be doing more than they're currently doing. But they've been allowed to see buddies again, and not just on a walk with one other person. They've been able to be hang out, have fun, be insecure in group settings again. They've been able to be on screens without having to hand anything in, or pretend to be fully engaged, all whilst having a rather large cotton bud twisted up their nose twice a week. 

Life is starting to open up again, slowly, weirdly and coldly and I somehow feel more tired this last month than I have during the whole season of home schooling.

We had our family Christmas, Easter and birthday exchange in a field, around a BBQ complete with a Christmas tree. It was wonderful and emotional and exhausting all rolled into one. We've had roast chicken outside with friends. (Food goes cold very quickly outside it seems). And we've been on more walks than we care to remember. I've had my first Prosecco under a blanket out on a Friday night. (Prosecco stays cold outside it seems). The kids were confused as to why I was leaving the house, to do what, with who, and why wont I be at home, and how long would I be gone? 

Its wonderful having a scroll through people's photos on line. Seeing the cold family meet ups, the two households coming together, six people wrapped up warm, grandparents meeting babies, friends hanging out in their wooly hats, family reunions, picnics, cups of tea outside and finally sharing a glass of something together...it's heart warming, even if it's physically chilly. Outside has become the new inside. But there's a strangeness with it. What to talk about? Remembering how to even do small talk. It's not like we've been anywhere or done anything. Neither do you want to go straight in with what's been hard, which is I'm sure, different for each person. A funny anecdote about online learning or a Zoom call mishap, and then it's a bit quiet again. 

Emotionally it feels a bit intense being around people. It's tiring as well as cold. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely. So so lovely! But just a bit odd too, and the feelings are all over the place. Being invited round to a garden, or for a walk, or to a field, feeling excited or nervous or not ready or anxious, or joyful or insecure or happy or sad, or all of the above... There's moments of reassuring one another, that it's normal to feel this way, whilst trying to believe it for yourself too. 

I was wonderfully encouraged by a friend who prayed for me over voicememo last week. As well as feeling all the feelings, I was explaining that spiritually I was lacking, just dry. He prayed about the season of tent making that I had been doing. In the Bible, Paul was a tent maker by profession, which allowed him to make money to support himself and his community, which therefore enabled him to preach the gospel of Jesus. My friend's spiritual encouragement, was that the home schooling I had been doing was tent making, doing the practical and the necessary, but just as important. He reminded me that whether Paul was preaching the good news, or making tents, God was the same God, and the glory is all His regardless. He is in control. He is sovereign. He remains good no matter what the season.

I truly treasured this encouragement. Life has got quite weird and tiring, so encouragement is needed and it stays, it builds fresh hope. It's a challenge too. I think it's been a funny old season to be a good friend to people, and give out when the reserves feel a bit empty. But when we can we should, and when we can't, we cant. There's grace for that too. God, His goodness, His grace, His peace..is the only constant in all of this.

A friend sent me this verse yesterday, from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end". 

I think I read it differently than I had read it before.... currently there's a time for outside chilly hang outs, but there will be a time for inside normailty. There's time even this week, when the kids are off without pressure, but that too will change. It's important to cherish the part we're in, and not just look towards the change to come, or even dwell on the time that was. I'm thankful for God's steadiness and sureness when it's all a bit wobbly and inside out.