A couple of weeks ago me and the husband ventured out to Gail's Bakery, because I quite fancied their baked cheesy eggs. We had both just come out of having the ol' Corona, so we had been inside for a little while, trying to isolate from the kids. The girl ones were literally crying because we wouldn't kiss & hug them lots, and the boy ones made us stay very much away from them, because they had plans!
So post Corona, and still in the middle of post viral fatigue (which by the way, I liken to the tiredness of being 8months pregnant) we headed off for a breakfast which I wouldn't be able to smell or taste. After a general blub over my eggy breakfast, an emotional outpouring about everything & anything, I asked the husband for some advice.
That might not sound so strange, but I asked for specific advice; I asked him to advise me as if he was my line manager and not my husband. This had all the potential to be ever so confusing for him, as I have previously asked him to just listen to me, not advise me, and especially not advise me as if he is my line manager. (**Thus confirming what the Bible says in Ephensians 5 about marriage being "a profound mystery").
I assume it's normal for a mum to cry, when that mum suddenly stops juggling it all, thinking about it all, holding it all, especially if there's bits she thinks she's not juggling well. Or on this occassion, when the husband asks her to tell her what she's thinking. (It's normal for this mum anyway).
What I'm thinking... Gosh! How long has he got? The big stuff, the little stuff, the silly stuff, the scary stuff, the middle stuff...
I recently heard in a preach, the phrase 'inbetweeness'. It has stayed with me, that phrase. I think a lot of mumming feels like inbetweeness; the bits inbetween all of life which seem all consuming, a bit dull and just get in the way a bit. It's important to remember that God is with me the inbetween bits. He cares about these bits. He still wants me to honour Him in the inbetween bits....
In answer to what I am thinking...."Oh nothing much," followed by everything I am thinking, some of which I didn't even know I was thinking, some of which I was purposefully not saying, each and every thought which had been in my head, in a wave of words that came crashing down, often with tangents to the left, right and centre, and to finish, a flourish of shallow bits, bits which aren't worth saying at all, but I may as well throw them out there too.
Sometimes I then feel a little better! Not sure if the husband does. But he did ask. He's twenty years in now, so when he is on good form, he has worked out the perfect response, "I'm so sorry you're carrying all of that". That's it, that's usually all I want. Then I watch him physically keep his mouth closed so as not not give the advice I haven't asked for. But in this particular moment, I asked not just for advice, but line-manager advice.
This for the husband, means actions. Lights, Camera, Action! We've highlighted the area, taken a snapsot and now it's time to Act. He loves an action, because it means something will actually change. Whereas I'm more of a 'just talk about it' person, (which possibly gets less done).
His 'line manager advice'; he told me to write, (in one of my many notebooks) a heading on each page. It was up to me what headings I chose to use, but it would be helpful if they related to some of the areas I covered in my deluge of verbalised thoughts. Then I was to write thoughts/feeling if I wanted to, maybe some Biblical truth, but mainly to write one action underneath; something I could aim to do. Just one thing to change or add or act on.
In my last blog I was encouraged by my swimming friend, to just do the next thing, take the next step, look at the next thing in front of me, rather than be overwhelmed by the whole. And yesterday as my son was feeling the pressure of homework engulfing him, I told him that he couldn't shove a whole pizza in his mouth but that I had seen consume a whole pizza slice by slice.
Hmmm... seems we have a theme. So I will aim to share some of my headings here on this digital notebook, with some thoughts, truths and actions. Maybe you'd like to join me in doing so? You could share your own headings (and actions) with a friend or with me. Or not. Capacities are low. I get that. Mine are the lowest they've been for a while. Maybe I'm ready to make a change or two...
But for now, scripture. Because Truth is always needed!
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