Another post in the Mothering series, from a friend who is currently mothering in Japan.
Why did you move to Japan?
When Tom & I got married, God starting speaking to us about being willing to
go to another nation, an 'unreached nation' to share the good news of Jesus and
to build His church there. God called us more specifically to go to Japan in
November 1999 and we eventually moved there in September 2004. At the time we
had 2 children, who were aged 3 and 1. Now we have four children, Jess (12)
Beth (10) Zanna (6) & Judah (1).
What were your hopes & fears for you and your children before moving to
Japan?
We really believed that God was not just
calling Tom & I, but calling us as family. We were so excited to be on an
adventure with God as a family. We trusted God that if this was His perfect and
pleasing will for us, then it was also His will for our kids. To be honest I
didn’t have many fears about the children when we first moved to Japan and
found moving with young kids a relatively easy transition to make. It has been
as they’ve grown older that I’ve had to face challenges such as how to educate
them, their friendship challenges and helping them work through feelings of not belonging or fitting in, and the repercussion of that in their lives. In many
ways I have to trust God more for my kids now than when we first moved to
Japan.
Do your children understand why you
moved to Japan?
We have always talked openly with the kids
about why we moved to Japan and that we believe this is God’s best for their
lives too. We’ve also encouraged open channels of communication with the kids.
If they ever felt resentful or unhappy about being in Japan then I wanted them
to know that it’s ok to express that openly with us and God. It’s painful when
your child feels anger towards you or blames you for their situation in life.
We’ve had some challenging conversations with our kids, but actually God has
used those conversations to help build stronger relationship between us and
between them and God.
How long did it take you to feel 'at home'?
That is a difficult question to answer. The
customs, the culture and the language are so different in Japan, that for the
first few years I was constantly learning and feeling out of my depth. I would
have been lost without the kindness of the Japanese people and their eagerness
to help me. We have been here 8 years now and although I can call Japan home,
there are still many situations when I’m acutely aware of being the foreigner.
There are very few foreigners where we live and so I’m nearly always the only
non-Japanese mum in my various communities. Despite a deep desire to belong,
I’ve learnt over the years to be content with being a foreigner in this place I
call home.
What is hard about being a mum in a different country?
The thing I’ve missed and still miss the
most is being able to hang out with other mums (particularly Christian mums)
where I can chat in my own language. Although I have some really wonderful
Japanese friends I do feel lonely at times.
It’s also been hard trying to understand
the medical system; the doctor-patient relationship and the different
vaccinations and medicines. I used to dread the kids being sick as I wouldn’t
know which clinic to go to (it seemed like there was one for every body part)
or whether I would be able to communicate with the doctor.
However, mums are mums wherever you live in
the world so despite difference in language, culture and customs there is
always an understanding between each other and instant things to chat about. Not
many mums here work after having children ,so there are always plenty of mums
to get to know.
What changes have you had to make?
I’ve had to learn to SEW! Help!! For pre-school
and for school, the children need endless fabric bags for everything and they are
all hand made. Japanese women are very proficient sewers and although not at
all proficient, I can now make a very simple shoe bag and napkin to put their
lunch box on!
What cultural differences have you had to adapt to?
The approach to bringing up children in
Japan is very different to ours. I found myself being judgemental at first. It
has challenged us to think carefully about how we bring up our children and
whether it is based on Western values or biblical ones. For example when their
children are young, Japanese families often sleep all together on futons in the
same room. We have always put our kids to sleep in a separate room to us. When
they hear this they feel sorry for our kids, they ask if they are safe or
lonely. I wonder how they sleep or make love to their husbands with a baby in
the bed. Both questions have validity. The bible is very clear about what is
important when it comes to marriage and child rearing, but there is a lot left
unsaid. Rather than getting caught up talking with Japanese mums about our
different ways of doing things, I’m learning to spend time talking about what
the Bible says is important.
What do the children find hard about living in Japan?They don’t like it when strangers call out
that they are so cute. They hate it even more if strangers ask to take their
photos. They miss playing with other children who speak English and of course they
wish they could see their grandparents and cousins more often. They often envy
their friends who either have their grandparents living with them or see them a
lot.
What do they like about Japan?
In many ways life in Japan is just so
normal to them that they don’t think about what they like or don’t like. This
is just their life. However they love Japanese rice. They miss it when we visit
the UK. Some of them love the insect life here. There are so many and they are
so BIG! We have Swallowtail butterflies every year in our little garden. They
also love the Onsen; hot baths where everyone from baby to Grandma (of the same
sex) soaks naked.
I love that Japan is so safe that the kids
can play freely in the streets and the parks.
What have you learnt from living in a different country?
That God loves the nations He has made. He
really does love every people of the world and He really loves the Japanese. I’ve
learnt that Jesus is the ultimate cross-cultural church planter. He went before
us and I’ve learnt that there is nothing that I’m going through that He doesn’t
understand. Every time I’ve poured out my heart to God about any challenge I’ve
had about living and being a mother and church planter in Japan He has said
exactly what I needed to hear. Sometimes what He has said is challenging to
hear, but it strengthens my faith and enables me to keep pressing on. He is
faithful to all His promises.
I’ve had to learn to depend more on others
and God for help for many things. I’ve had to learn to be ok with making
mistakes and getting it wrong. With cross-cultural church planting there is
always so much potential for misunderstanding and mis-communication. I’ve had to
learn to humble myself and be willing to understand things from another’s point of view
and to say sorry a lot. I often have to apologise to the kids too when they
turn up to school without something they need because I’ve misunderstood a
letter.
I am constantly amazed by our kids and how
naturally they switch from the Japanese language and culture to English language
and culture. I have sometimes questioned our decision to send them to Japanese
school fearing they might feel alienated, but despite challenges they have
flourished and are a blessing to their Japanese friends. As a mother, the
desire to protect my children from pain and difficulties is strong. At times
I’ve been aware of the huge impact that following God’s will, has had on their
lives. Yet they seem to fly over these hurdles and their lives are a testimony
that God’s plan for them (not mine) is the best.
Do you think your children have missed out
anything by living there?
Yes and no. Yes there are definitely things
they have missed out on. Right now Jess & Beth have only one other female
Christian friend around their age. I think about the vibrant youth works that
I’ve seen in the UK and think about what they’re missing. However we have
linked up with a church in another part of Japan that has a vibrant kids’
ministry and our church kids have been able to join their summer/spring camps.
It is a journey of faith and I have to keep remembering that my kids belong to
Jesus and to trust Him for them.
I said no because we do hang on to Jesus’
promise that “everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or
mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much
and will inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19v29
What have they gained by living there?
They have gained so much by growing up in
Japan, despite some very real loses. I’m confident that they’ll look back on
their childhood and feel blessed. They are bilingual. They are culturally and
socially sensitive kids, who can travel round the world with ease. They’ve also
had the blessing of growing up in a very safe country where children stay
children for longer. I’m very thankful for that.