Lights, Camera, Action!

A couple of weeks ago me and the husband ventured out to Gail's Bakery, because I quite fancied their baked cheesy eggs. We had both just come out of having the ol' Corona, so we had been inside for a little while, trying to isolate from the kids. The girl ones were literally crying because we wouldn't kiss & hug them lots, and the boy ones made us stay very much away from them, because they had plans! 

So post Corona, and still in the middle of post viral fatigue (which by the way, I liken to the tiredness of being 8months pregnant) we headed off for a breakfast which I wouldn't be able to smell or taste. After a general blub over my eggy breakfast, an emotional outpouring about everything & anything, I asked the husband for some advice. 

That might not sound so strange, but I asked for specific advice; I asked him to advise me as if he was my line manager and not my husband. This had all the potential to be ever so confusing for him, as I have previously asked him to just listen to me, not advise me, and especially not advise me as if he is my line manager. (**Thus confirming what the Bible says in Ephensians 5 about marriage being "a profound mystery").

I assume it's normal for a mum to cry, when that mum suddenly stops juggling it all, thinking about it all, holding it all, especially if there's bits she thinks she's not juggling well. Or on this occassion, when the husband asks her to tell her what she's thinking. (It's normal for this mum anyway).

What I'm thinking... Gosh! How long has he got? The big stuff, the little stuff, the silly stuff, the scary stuff, the middle stuff...

I recently heard in a preach, the phrase 'inbetweeness'. It has stayed with me, that phrase. I think a lot of mumming feels like inbetweeness; the bits inbetween all of life which seem all consuming, a bit dull and just get in the way a bit. It's important to remember that God is with me the inbetween bits. He cares about these bits. He still wants me to honour Him in the inbetween bits....

In answer to what I am thinking...."Oh nothing much," followed by everything I am thinking, some of which I didn't even know I was thinking, some of which I was purposefully not saying, each and every thought which had been in my head, in a wave of words that came crashing down, often with tangents to the left, right and centre, and to finish, a flourish of shallow bits, bits which aren't worth saying at all, but I may as well throw them out there too.

Sometimes I then feel a little better! Not sure if the husband does. But he did ask. He's twenty years in now, so when he is on good form, he has worked out the perfect response, "I'm so sorry you're carrying all of that". That's it, that's usually all I want.  Then I watch him physically keep his mouth closed so as not not give the advice I haven't asked for. But in this particular moment, I asked not just for advice, but line-manager advice. 

This for the husband, means actions. Lights, Camera, Action! We've highlighted the area, taken a snapsot and now it's time to Act. He loves an action, because it means something will actually change. Whereas I'm more of a 'just talk about it' person, (which possibly gets less done). 

His 'line manager advice'; he told me to write, (in one of my many notebooks) a heading on each page. It was up to me what headings I chose to use, but it would be helpful if they related to some of the areas I covered in my deluge of verbalised thoughts. Then I was to write thoughts/feeling if I wanted to, maybe some Biblical truth, but mainly to write one action underneath; something I could aim to do. Just one thing to change or add or act on.

In my last blog I was encouraged by my swimming friend, to just do the next thing, take the next step, look at the next thing in front of me, rather than be overwhelmed by the whole. And yesterday as my son was feeling the pressure of homework engulfing him, I told him that he couldn't shove a whole pizza in his mouth but that I had seen consume a whole pizza slice by slice. 

Hmmm... seems we have a theme. So I will aim to share some of my headings here on this digital notebook, with some thoughts, truths and actions. Maybe you'd like to join me in doing so? You could share your own headings (and actions) with a friend or with me. Or not. Capacities are low. I get that. Mine are the lowest they've been for a while. Maybe I'm ready to make a change or two...

But for now, scripture. Because Truth is always needed!

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might..." Ecclesiastes 9v10

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength". Philippians 4v13

**Marriage being a profound mystery, doesn't mean it's bizarre, confusing and unknown (even when it is). It's actually referring to the wonder of Jesus' love for the church, laying His life down for her and marriage being likened to this.

Just Keep Swimming

How do you get back into blogging, when you haven't blogged for a few months? How do you know where to start? How do you know where to pitch the returning blog post? How do you know if you still have anything to say? How do you stick with the advice given by a friend many years ago - to be honest and real in my blogging, but not 'woe is me', and never 'hey, look at my perfect life'?!

I have always tried to live by his advice for the blog, and right now I am aware I could easily write a 'woe is me' post, go for the sympathy vote; maybe it would help me process some stuff, maybe a mum somewhere will relate, but does it help lift a mum's eyes to the Lord? Does it bring life or encouragement? Does it do what the blog was intended for, all those years ago?!

So I will start by highlighting a mum friend of mine who had a bit of a crazy adventure a few weeks ago; my friend Annie swam the Channel. The actual Channel. She swam from England to France! She's a nurse and is raising money for our local Children's Hospital. I drove to Lidl (and back) on the same day, while she swam to France. Us mums have different wins to celebrate! 

In a brilliant interview, Annie was asked why she decided to swim the Channel. She said she was at a low point in her life; she had had an operation on her knee, marriage was a bit tense, she had had a miscarriage, her youngest was starting school, so she was feeling a bit lost and it just all felt a bit bleak. So she decided to have an adventure. To do something. I must admit when life is feeling a bit bleak for me, I tend to comfort eat and veg out. I have never in all my bleakness decided to swim anywhere. 

Annie spoke about how it's easier to say yes to something than to actually do it, but the training began and her hardest moment was swimming Lake Windermere. She said there was a moment when half way across, she had had enough, she didn't want to swim anymore, she didn't see the point in what she was doing, she was sad and cold. It all felt stupid and ridiculous and just too much; the water was shallow and she knew she could just stand up, call it a day, and give up. Annie was reminded of a beautiful rainbow just before she started the swim; a reminder that God was with her every stroke. He had put swimming in her, as something for her to be free in, to enjoy and to bring Him glory with. Annie's husband and her friend in the boat alongside her, encouraged her just to go to the next tree, the next rock, just to go to the next bit until she crossed the whole lake, bit by bit.

I was so encouraged when I heard this interview, and fairly teary. I guess my Lake Windermere moment, was my mum being in hospital for 10 weeks, my brother being diagnosed with a cancerous lump in his leg, one of my kids going through a hard time, the general weight of pandemic related stuff, the lack of church, and a weariness in it all, especially in my Christian walk. It all felt just too much. It felt shallow, yet deep enough to drown in. I felt sad and cold. Or maybe the present tense is more approriate; I feel sad and cold. 

I was encouraged that perseverance doesn't always look like swimming a whole lake or a whole channel, it sometimes looks like just taking the next stroke, just doing the next bit in front of you. Annie said that she had come to realise that hard doesn't mean stop, it might just mean go slow for a bit. Hard isn't always bad, and cold isn't always bad either.

For me, the next thing in front of me, the not-quite-so-big challenge has just been to daily read scripture on my phone, before I do anything else. Before I read texts, or check emails, or scroll through social media, or look at the diary, or go through my 'To Dos', I read from where I left off yesterday. I highlight a verse that might stick out, sometimes I type a one sentence prayer, but I mainly just read, the next bit and then the next bit. Sometimes it feels a bit cold and shallow, but the rainbows are in there; the reminders of God's faithfulness to me, that He is with me, that He's not fed up with me, that He hears my cries, that His goodness and mercy follow me, that His love abounds, that His Grace is sufficient...

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful,  for he cannot disown himself". 2 Timothy2v13

Inside Out

So the kids went back to school a month ago! But now they're all home again, because it's Half Term. But this time, no one is having to log in to any lessons or claim a laptop. I'm pretty sure the one not taking GCSEs and the one who started ALEVELs during a pandemic, should be doing more than they're currently doing. But they've been allowed to see buddies again, and not just on a walk with one other person. They've been able to be hang out, have fun, be insecure in group settings again. They've been able to be on screens without having to hand anything in, or pretend to be fully engaged, all whilst having a rather large cotton bud twisted up their nose twice a week. 

Life is starting to open up again, slowly, weirdly and coldly and I somehow feel more tired this last month than I have during the whole season of home schooling.

We had our family Christmas, Easter and birthday exchange in a field, around a BBQ complete with a Christmas tree. It was wonderful and emotional and exhausting all rolled into one. We've had roast chicken outside with friends. (Food goes cold very quickly outside it seems). And we've been on more walks than we care to remember. I've had my first Prosecco under a blanket out on a Friday night. (Prosecco stays cold outside it seems). The kids were confused as to why I was leaving the house, to do what, with who, and why wont I be at home, and how long would I be gone? 

Its wonderful having a scroll through people's photos on line. Seeing the cold family meet ups, the two households coming together, six people wrapped up warm, grandparents meeting babies, friends hanging out in their wooly hats, family reunions, picnics, cups of tea outside and finally sharing a glass of something together...it's heart warming, even if it's physically chilly. Outside has become the new inside. But there's a strangeness with it. What to talk about? Remembering how to even do small talk. It's not like we've been anywhere or done anything. Neither do you want to go straight in with what's been hard, which is I'm sure, different for each person. A funny anecdote about online learning or a Zoom call mishap, and then it's a bit quiet again. 

Emotionally it feels a bit intense being around people. It's tiring as well as cold. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely. So so lovely! But just a bit odd too, and the feelings are all over the place. Being invited round to a garden, or for a walk, or to a field, feeling excited or nervous or not ready or anxious, or joyful or insecure or happy or sad, or all of the above... There's moments of reassuring one another, that it's normal to feel this way, whilst trying to believe it for yourself too. 

I was wonderfully encouraged by a friend who prayed for me over voicememo last week. As well as feeling all the feelings, I was explaining that spiritually I was lacking, just dry. He prayed about the season of tent making that I had been doing. In the Bible, Paul was a tent maker by profession, which allowed him to make money to support himself and his community, which therefore enabled him to preach the gospel of Jesus. My friend's spiritual encouragement, was that the home schooling I had been doing was tent making, doing the practical and the necessary, but just as important. He reminded me that whether Paul was preaching the good news, or making tents, God was the same God, and the glory is all His regardless. He is in control. He is sovereign. He remains good no matter what the season.

I truly treasured this encouragement. Life has got quite weird and tiring, so encouragement is needed and it stays, it builds fresh hope. It's a challenge too. I think it's been a funny old season to be a good friend to people, and give out when the reserves feel a bit empty. But when we can we should, and when we can't, we cant. There's grace for that too. God, His goodness, His grace, His peace..is the only constant in all of this.

A friend sent me this verse yesterday, from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end". 

I think I read it differently than I had read it before.... currently there's a time for outside chilly hang outs, but there will be a time for inside normailty. There's time even this week, when the kids are off without pressure, but that too will change. It's important to cherish the part we're in, and not just look towards the change to come, or even dwell on the time that was. I'm thankful for God's steadiness and sureness when it's all a bit wobbly and inside out.