I Wonder....

Yesterday, I opened One Pink Toothbrush, for the first time in quite a while. A friend had asked me to write a post for a website, which I was happy to do. A privilege to be asked. I wrote the piece and sent if off to her. Job done. What I didn't tell her of course, was that when I opened the 'ol Toothbrush page, I saw the lack of activity. I didn't tell her I had only posted 7 blogposts in the last 18months. I didn't tell her that I had had a cry, on opening the laptop. I didn't tell her that I had reached out to a couple of friends, (my writing encouragers), and let them in on all the feels I was now feeling. She was none the wiser. (She may well read this and be more in the loop of course).

The lack was just so apparent. The absence was evidence of quite a difficult season. 

A few weeks ago at church, we sang Matt Redman's song 'Mercy'. I felt to share when my youngest had become a Christian. We were in the sea in Spain. She was holding me tightly, and all we could see was sea. The sea was vast, (warmer than Brighton's sea), but ever so vast. For a 4 year old, it was even more so, with her feet not touching the ground. I spoke to her about the vastness of God's love and forgiveness. I told her that God's mercy was as endless as the sea, for all the naughty things she had done, all the naughty things I had done, all she would ever do, and all I would ever do. With a very simple understanding, we prayed a little prayer together saying sorry to God, and asking Him to forgive us. After church, I felt somewhat emotional for the rest of the afternoon, with the lyrics of Matt's song in my head. 

I hadn't shared in church for a while, again evidence of a lack of some kind. 

The Tuesday after that Sunday, I went off to Alicante, on my own. This is not something I have done before. Well, who knew how refreshing alone can be?! (I do get that for some who experience alone a lot of the time, it can be anything but refreshing). I travelled in silence. No one knew me, needed me or spoke to me. Time wasn't dictated to me by any committments or responsibilities. I ate, drank, slept, walked, sunbathed, swam, read, people-watched, just whenever I felt like it. I took a boat ride, as you do. There wasn't a pack of Cheddars in sight, no laundry to fold, no turns on the Playstation, no school runs to do, no homework to nag about, no bulk cooking. Just me, myself and I. 

The locals had jackets and socks on, but I'm from England and so the comparison is unquestionable; Spain = Warmth. Therefore, of course I went into the sea. I sat on the beach, listened again to Matt's Mercy song, let the lyrics wash over me, and then headed into the quite cold, and empty sea. 

"...mercy, mercy, as endless as the sea. I'll sing your Hallelujah, for all eternity. May I never lose the wonder, Oh the wonder of your mercy, May I sing your Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Amen.."

The sea was vast, ever so vast. And in that moment, God said to me; "You've lost the wonder, the wonder of my mercy". 

The coldness of the sea, and the realisation that I had indeed lost the wonder of God's mercy, and stopped singing my Hallelujahs to Him, took my breath away. I cried, as I looked around at the water; a physical, visual, spiritual reminder of the vastness of God's love and forgiveness. God's mercy in that moment was as endless as the sea, and I was once again in wonder of the beauty of it.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you apss through thr rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One, your Saviour". Isaiah 43v2-3

Seems the right blog post to share, to fill the gap, on my return.

Raise my Gaze

My last blog post (before dear Lilibet passed away) was the 1st day of the Summer holidays. I had been encouraged by a friend to Be Still...to rest in God, to enjoy His presence, to enjoy being His daughter.

And what better way to do that, than in an English heatwave?! We had some family birthdays over the summer, we had Newday (a Christian Youth festival). We had a day out in London. Me and the girls had a couple of Girl Days! We had a crab collecting day at the beach. We made a bug hotel. We played with cousins. We walked the dog. We holidayed in Cornwall. We did a lot of driving to get there and back. We had many beach days. We did body boarding, surfing, piercing, table tennis, and walking. 

Sounds a bit busy, for a blog which started with Being Still. It's a mindset though sometimes, isn't it?! A state of being. A conscious decision to Be Still, to be in God's presence regardless of what is going on around me. I personally, look around 'me' far too much, at my circumstances which can influence my mood, my feelings, my reactions. For us, we have six little (and not so little), people around us for the Summer six weeks, and we both still had work to do. But me and the husband tried to take some much needed time to try and just be, to rest and to Be Still. 

One of the ways we did this, (as well as coffee, & red wine), was to read together in the mornings. (Without the red wine). Now one of us is an avid reader, with paper backs and Kindle reads, and an ordered bookshelf of colour co-ordinated classics, and one of us will maybe get through a trashy romance once a holiday. So it's fair to say that one of us needed a little getting used to the early morning reads, so a mug of hot bribery was promised...

Needless to say, a habit has started to form. I have woken up to my morning cuppa, while the husband has read to me. We firstly went through "Jesus, Lover of my Soul", which looks at the Song of Songs in the Bible, and how our human desire for relational connection and intimacy is a mere weak reflection on God's desire to connect with us and be in relationship with us.  

Unfortunately I'm just far too immature to cope with some aspects of the book, which talk in a more intimate way, between a husband and a wife. The husband carried on reading maturely while I giggled in the corner. There was one moment where the book beautifully talks about God putting us on His heart like a seal. And as I made the sound of, and performed the clapping noise of a seal, I realised the husband had actually found this bit of writing quite emotionally inspiring. We all have to start somewhere though...

We have now moved onto "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller which is such an easy, inspiring read even for a non-reader. And fanfare please, I have even read the odd chapter or two outloud to the husband. (I feel like I should have a little reading record like the girls have at school). It has meant getting up 15minutes early, but we start the day with godly truths and follow it with a few minutes of prayer. (A habit which has always been a bit sporadic for us). 

Sometimes resting and being, takes that extra bit of time, effort and planning, which seems to go against the idea of the 'not doing'. But it has been a helpful addition for us. A habit is indeed forming. I have also booked in moments, put the time aside, to write in my new 'Be Still' notebook. I've written a few letters to God. And when it's been hard, not knowing what to write, I have written a grateful list because I know this helps to 'raise my gaze'. 

We are encouraged in the Bible, to seek God's face. This involves looking up, not around me or down, but up to Him. To seek God's face, is to seek His presence. When we look at someone's face, when we look them in the eye, we get to know them. We get to read their character. Looking up at God, who He is and what He has done is always good for the soul, and for the marriage, and for the six little, (and not so little), people around us. The wonderful thing about God's face, is that it is always smiling, because of His love and grace towards us. That is surely worth raising my gaze, just to see and feel and know His Smile on me.

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always". 1 Chronicles 16v11

Your Majesty (1926-2022)

On my 40th birthday, I was given a picture of HM The Queen, and it has been up in my bedroom ever since, not on display in some crazy fanatical way, just hid away on one of my walls. My kids probably wouldn't even know it is there (which may be more of a comment on their observational skills). It is a beautiful picture of her, and I was grateful for it as a gift. 

Yesterday, I received a belated birthday gift, a bottle of wine and and a wine stopper. The wine stopper has The Crown Jewels on it; a nod to my appreciation of Her Majesty.

And yesterday of course, she passed away. The whole nation and beyond, are feeling it. I was watching the news update, as the expected announcement came in. A picture of her was shown and 'God save the Queen' played to end the announcement. I shed a tear or two, as I think many others did. (Not everyone of course, for different reasons...)

But for me, I've watched her from childhood. I've written to her about my kittens and told her my cat had died, which her Lady in Waiting conveyed Her Majesty's apparent care about. I've travelled up to London, for various Royal occassions, including her recent Jubilee celebrations. I even had the great privilege of meeting her, when she visited our local nursery. She asked my pregnant self, if my two young boys were a handful. I told her they weren't. Actually, I said, "Nah, they're lovely". (Much to my mum's horror at how I addressed her). In my defence, I wasn't meant to talk to her, but I was in the wrong place at the right time and she spoke to me first...

A couple of friends messaged me last night about her passing, which I thought was kind. A bit silly if you think about it. I didn't know her. She didn't know me. I doubt she has a picture of me on her wall. I don't think she has a mug with my face on it. But kindness still, from friends who knew I admired her. Admiration from her colour matching hat to handbag to coat, through to her character, her stoicism and her faith. I appreciated a reporter saying that whatever our thoughts on the matter, on the Royals, there are grown children and grandchildren today, mourning the loss of their mum, their granny. We can all relate to that loss I'm sure. 

I enjoyed a text chat with my friend, where we talked about Her Majesty meeting the King of kings last night. 

Not only with her formal role, as 'Defender of the Faith', but The Queen also shared a personal walk with Jesus. In her Christmas broadcast of 2000, she stated, "For me the teachings of Christ and my own personal accountability before God, provide a framework in which I try to lead my life". What a legacy. What a way to lead your life. 

My friend text me; "To hear Him say to her, 'Well done good and faithful servant - I'm a bit jealous". And I replied; "And to offer her a crown for all she has done". My friend text back, "And I bet it makes the old Crown Jewels look like party tat". Ha, I thought that was an amazing observation; the expensive, beautiful Crown Jewels, (which I now have represented on a wine topper) would be nothing in comparison to the riches of Heaven. 

The Bible loves a crown! It talks about 'The Imperishable Crown' - running the race for God faithfully, to receieve a Heavenly reward which will not break or perish or decay. 'The Crown of Rejoicing', will also be our reward, when Jesus wipes away every sadness and every tear, and death itself. 'The Crown of Righteousness' given to us, not because of what we deserve but because of what Jesus has done for us. 'The Crown of Glory' - describing God's majesty and splendor. 'The Crown of Life' - given to all believers who put their faith in Jesus. I can't wait to get mine! 

I believe Her Majesty understood about these crowns, as she dutifully wore hers. As she lays aside her Royal crowns, and the odd Tiara, I believe she is given the Crown of Life, for a servant-hearted life well led. In the words of Paddington Bear, "Thank you Ma'am, for everything" or 'Well done Good & Faithful servant'.

"Blessed is the man (or woman) who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will recieve the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him". James 1v12