I Wonder....

Yesterday, I opened One Pink Toothbrush, for the first time in quite a while. A friend had asked me to write a post for a website, which I was happy to do. A privilege to be asked. I wrote the piece and sent if off to her. Job done. What I didn't tell her of course, was that when I opened the 'ol Toothbrush page, I saw the lack of activity. I didn't tell her I had only posted 7 blogposts in the last 18months. I didn't tell her that I had had a cry, on opening the laptop. I didn't tell her that I had reached out to a couple of friends, (my writing encouragers), and let them in on all the feels I was now feeling. She was none the wiser. (She may well read this and be more in the loop of course).

The lack was just so apparent. The absence was evidence of quite a difficult season. 

A few weeks ago at church, we sang Matt Redman's song 'Mercy'. I felt to share when my youngest had become a Christian. We were in the sea in Spain. She was holding me tightly, and all we could see was sea. The sea was vast, (warmer than Brighton's sea), but ever so vast. For a 4 year old, it was even more so, with her feet not touching the ground. I spoke to her about the vastness of God's love and forgiveness. I told her that God's mercy was as endless as the sea, for all the naughty things she had done, all the naughty things I had done, all she would ever do, and all I would ever do. With a very simple understanding, we prayed a little prayer together saying sorry to God, and asking Him to forgive us. After church, I felt somewhat emotional for the rest of the afternoon, with the lyrics of Matt's song in my head. 

I hadn't shared in church for a while, again evidence of a lack of some kind. 

The Tuesday after that Sunday, I went off to Alicante, on my own. This is not something I have done before. Well, who knew how refreshing alone can be?! (I do get that for some who experience alone a lot of the time, it can be anything but refreshing). I travelled in silence. No one knew me, needed me or spoke to me. Time wasn't dictated to me by any committments or responsibilities. I ate, drank, slept, walked, sunbathed, swam, read, people-watched, just whenever I felt like it. I took a boat ride, as you do. There wasn't a pack of Cheddars in sight, no laundry to fold, no turns on the Playstation, no school runs to do, no homework to nag about, no bulk cooking. Just me, myself and I. 

The locals had jackets and socks on, but I'm from England and so the comparison is unquestionable; Spain = Warmth. Therefore, of course I went into the sea. I sat on the beach, listened again to Matt's Mercy song, let the lyrics wash over me, and then headed into the quite cold, and empty sea. 

"...mercy, mercy, as endless as the sea. I'll sing your Hallelujah, for all eternity. May I never lose the wonder, Oh the wonder of your mercy, May I sing your Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Amen.."

The sea was vast, ever so vast. And in that moment, God said to me; "You've lost the wonder, the wonder of my mercy". 

The coldness of the sea, and the realisation that I had indeed lost the wonder of God's mercy, and stopped singing my Hallelujahs to Him, took my breath away. I cried, as I looked around at the water; a physical, visual, spiritual reminder of the vastness of God's love and forgiveness. God's mercy in that moment was as endless as the sea, and I was once again in wonder of the beauty of it.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you apss through thr rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One, your Saviour". Isaiah 43v2-3

Seems the right blog post to share, to fill the gap, on my return.