Wandering in the Wilderness

Sometimes being a mum feels like you're wandering around in the desert or the wilderness. It can be so monotonous; day in, day out, you can feel like you're still not sure what you're doing or where you're going! And it's not like your little charges regularly stop what they're doing and say, "Mum, I just want to thank you for all the hard work you put into parenting me." There is the temptation to feel like you want to give up. On Sunday, just before church, this wandering mother snapped and gave up. She shouted at one of her sons and felt pretty justified about the shout. She'd had enough of the attitude, the answering back, the disobedience, and the winding up. She even threw in a slammed door.

Then she went to church! And there she felt quite annoyed by the preach! Joel Virgo was continuing his series in 1 Samuel. It's been one of those series that have felt wonderfully encouraging, but with a challenging kick to it. And this week he was going on about us being in the wilderness, and the wilderness being a place of training.
He explained how many great characters in the bible spent a season, a decade, or forty years even, in the wilderness and it was in order to train them. Even Jesus Himself spent 40 days in the wilderness. Joel explained that it's how we respond in the wilderness which is so vitally important. Do we continue to trust God or do we decide to bury our heads and give up? Joel went on to say that being meek is trusting God, humbling ourselves to let Him be in control. He also said that we're not meant to stay in the wilderness but that we're to walk through it. If we give up, we stay there and die in the wilderness. Whereas if we grow and learn through the training, trusting God completely, we come out the other side a little more like Jesus and a little more ready to take on what God has called us to do! 

But God has called me to be a mother! And that's tough at times... Ah I started to see what God was saying to me through Joel's word. God is training me, as I train my little ones. And as I get it wrong with my little ones. Joel ended of course, with Jesus; saying that we needed to hold onto who Jesus was. Hold onto His past faithfulness, and hold onto His steadfastness.  Hold onto the fact that He showed mercy to the me, an ungrateful child. Hold onto the fact that He blesses and provides security and love to me, regardless of how I respond. Hold on to the fact that He continually serves me, regardless of how undeserving I am.

I apologised to my son and sought his forgiveness for shouting at him and we prayed together. I thanked God that we we are both sinners saved by grace. I thanked God that He shows both of us undeserved grace and forgiveness. I thanked God that He never shouts at us or slams a door. I thanked God for the wilderness training. I thanked Him again for loving us, His children so perfectly.

"Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.  
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.  
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.  
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."

Matthew 5v5-9

Breakdown Recovery

Last Thursday, after the grand organising of child care (calling in the parents) me and the husband set off for a church conference in Nottingham. Leaving the house took a shocking two minutes, instead of the usual long-haul of getting four boys out the door. We chatted freely on the journey, I dozed off now and then and no one needed our attention, or snacks or a wee stop.

It was a great journey, the husband was happy that we were doing well for time and that we were going to actually arrive early, going against our family's tradition. All of a sudden, all the dashboard dials went to zero and back again. We pulled into the middle lane, and then into the slow lane as the dials went to zero again and stayed there. We made it onto the hard shoulder and sat in silence for a few moments. (You learn after nearly ten years of marriage to not say anything during these moments!)


After the husband had explained that we didn't have any breakdown cover, we  bought some and awaited the AA man. He arrived quite promptly and checked out the car. He stuck his hand into the engine and quite obviously got an electric shock. Thankfully he recovered and we didn't have to call out for another man to come and replace the one we had electrocuted on the road side. He towed us to a service station and had a fiddle with the engine. He decided our old girl had passed her best years. At 207000 miles, our Chrysler Voyager had driven her last journey. Sad times. We decided to get towed to Nottingham rather than back home. Our AA man could only tow us so far, and then we had to wait at another service station for another AA man, who towed us to the conference. Always fun to arrive at these things on a pick up truck! We scrapped the old girl while we were there.

The journey got me thinking about our journey with God; sometimes smooth sailing and you seem to get quite far along quite quickly, sometimes you face difficulties along the way, sometimes you feel like you come to a stand-still, sometimes it costs you, sometimes you need someone to help you, sometimes you have to make decisions to change the way you're travelling, and sometimes you're simply humbled as you travel.

But you do end up getting nearer to your destination; more like Jesus and closer to eternity with Him. And the great thing is that He isn't just waiting for us to finally get to Him as we arrive at our final destination. He travels with us along the way, like the best possible AA man, with all the tools and help we need along the way. Sometimes we foolishly try to journey along without asking Him for His help, and we realise we simply can't. Therefore we end up sitting on the hard shoulder for a while, until we realise He's patiently waiting for us to call on Him for some breakdown recovery.

"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4v16

The Perfect Parent

The perfect parent; kind and loving all the time, always patient with their children, available to listen whenever needed, continually long suffering, forever self-sacrificial and abundantly lavish too! Even though their children are demanding and self seeking, they seem to be able to love them unconditionally, delight in them consistently and never ever tire of them. Have you met one of these parents?

Well, actually have you met Him? There is only one parent like this; Our Heavenly Father. He is perfect and treats me with such undeserved grace, patience and long-suffering as I continually demand my own selfish ways. I am not like Him.... I am made in His image, so when there are glimmers of goodness in my parenting it's all down to Him. However, some of the time my boys would vouch for the fact that I'm not always oozing with perpetual patience.

Last night for example, I killed off Peppa Pig. Harsh I know. But we were reading about her fun trip to the swimming pool, again. We had already read it twice in five minutes, as requested by my youngest son. And it's not like he was even really listening; he was instead finding it funny to roll off the sofa onto the book and laugh in that over-tired kind of way that a two year old does at 8pm. But when I tried to put it down, due to his lack of interest, he was most put out. So third time round as I read it, some of the words and activities seem to change in this much loved book. Instead of a fun meeting with Rebecca Rabbit and her mum, and all the usual fun splashes from George Pig and Richard Rabbit, an unexpected event occurred. Poor Peppa unfortunately came to quite a sad ending at the bottom of the pool, with her so-called friend Rebecca not even diving in to help. The book was closed, my son looked at me to see if he had heard right, he was kissed on the forehead and tucked into bed.

So today, I am just so grateful that the perfect parent does exist and that He fathers me so wonderfully well, forever patient with me. I'm grateful for mercies which are consistently renewed each morning, and I'm quite thankful too that I'm not Peppa Pig. Maybe I'll show her a bit more mercy tomorrow.

Parents, I pray that you would be "strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1v11

Have A Little Patience

This afternoon I went off to Asda with my youngest. We walked down each aisle, we found some good deals, we piled the trolley sky high with the weekly needs, we got our standard pack of Prawn Crackers half way round, and we headed to the checkout over an hour later.

That's where we met Janice, the check-out lady. I started to unload the weekly shop onto the conveyor belt, and my youngest delicately threw the items near him onto the belt in his own special helpful way. As usual with my shopping, the items didn't all fit on. I needed Janice to start scanning the items through. My first item was a reduced Star Wars Storm Trooper helmet, and I turned round to see Janice trying it on. She pointed out what a good deal it was. (Reduced from £9.00 to £2.50) She eventually started scanning the items, and I was able to load the rest of the shopping from the trolley. I wrongly had assumed that she would have started packing the items into the bags, but instead both sides of the til were now just filled with all of my food. I started bagging up my shopping. Janice was not the quickest of check-out ladies. She was in a very chilled mood. She had quite a bit to say about my reduced items and the things she liked. She chatted to my little one, and encouraged him to wear the Storm Trooper helmet, all the while smiling away.

I rubbed my forehead, as I looked at my snail like shopping crawling across the line as I asked for more carrier bags than the three I had been given. Then I had a thought, I had a choice to be patient with this lady or impatient. I had a choice to act in a godly way or not. I knew quite clearly that being impatient would not even get my shopping done any quicker, and that choosing the 'patience option' was what God was requiring of me, and He knew what was best for me, and best for Janice.

So I took a deep breath, smiled back and asked her how long she had worked there. Fifteen years! There were so many comments which I could have made, but instead I slowly packed the bags and continued chatting, eventually finding a way of letting her know that there was a church which met at the Racecourse. I asked her if she was the churchy type and this chilled, slow-paced lady, with no higher speed level said that she didn't have time to go to church. Ah Janice, you don't have time not to go to church! I thought about how patient God was being with this older lady who didn't have time to get to know Him. I thought again about how patient God is with me as I make choices to live according to His way or my own. I thought about how choosing to be patient with Janice, had made me have a much less stressful shopping trip as well as helping me see the bigger picture.

As I paid and left, I heard her say to the next customer that she was sorry to have kept them waiting. I smiled and thought I should probably go to Janice's checkout next time I shop, with Take That's 'Have a little patience' lyrics in my head as I spend time listening to her, knowing that God wants her to come to know Him.

  "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:

With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.

   The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.

Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish,

   but everyone to come to repentance."  2 Peter 3v8-9

Before The Chaos

This morning, just before the chaos of life began, my youngest walked into my room and climbed into my bed. He didn't say anything, he just got into a spooning position in front of me and I pulled the duvet over him and held him. We laid there, all warm and quiet for some time, before we eventually started chatting about the day ahead and what kind of sleep he had had.


It dawned on me how tantrummy he had been the day before, wanting his own two year old way about things. But I hadn't thought about that as he had climbed in bed for a snuggly cuddle. It was just one of those lovely, peaceful mummy moments which I treasured. And I was just so pleased to see my son, welcome him into the warm duvet and enjoy a few precious moments with him, no doubt before the odd tantrum or two.

I thought about my Heavenly Father; how He loves it when I just approach Him, simply to spend time with Him, to rest in His presence and feel safe in His arms. I love that as soon as He sees me, He is pleased with me, and not because of anything I have done or achieved, but because of who I am. I love that because of what Jesus has done for me, redeeming me from my sinful state, my Heavenly Father looks at me with sheer delight and joy. He doesn't dwell on the tantrums of yesterday when I tried to get my own thirty-four year old way about things, but instead He shows me new undeserved mercy again each morning. He welcomes me into His peaceful presence; into His tender, loving arms and asks me to enjoy a few precious moments with Him. What a great way to start the day, before the chaos of life begins.

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."

Psalm 36v7

Let it Rain

So it appears I have been in hiding for a little while. I have for some of the time been in my room, with an inflamed leg up on some cushions, one child with Tonsillitis, the television on as the boys' new best friend, and easy meals pre-cooked from restaurants and shops. We've all been camped out in one room, with many boxes and kitchen utensils, due to the new kitchen being put in downstairs. It did have a certain holiday feel to it at times and it was nice doing nothing, apart from vegging with the boys in my bed. Although Cbeebies did reach it's maximum viewing level and there is only so much time five of us can spend in one room together.

I feel like I have also been hiding in the wilderness for a little while; a camping trip to the valley of dry bones it seems. Not really praying, or reading the word, or even dwelling on the Lord God Almighty for a few minutes to thank Him. The busyness of life in one room, the pain in my leg, the boys, the kitchen, buying pre-cooked meals, remembering Antibiotics and finding places to eat breakfast seemed to claim my focus as I went through the motions of life.

I've been on some interesting camping holidays in my lifetime, but camping out in Ezekiel's valley of dry bones these last few weeks has not been one of my most fun ones. Feeling dried up, lacking in hope and cut off from the land of the living has not been life-giving or joy enhancing at all. I think I'd rather get rained on and flooded out.

So I've started praying little prayers, talking to God in the every day moments and thanking Him again for who He is and all He has done for me, and funnily enough, with my focus back on Him not me, breath is coming back to the dry bones. After all, it is promised in God's word;

I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.

Isaiah 41v18

So I'm looking forward to putting my wellies and rain mac on, checking my tent pegs are secure and standing out in the rain.

The Bench and The Plank

Last week I helped a friend move house. Well, I say 'helped' in a very loose way; me and my youngest were definitely there. I drank tea, and made some for the removal men but that was my level of help. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on a little bench, while I gave my son a running commentary of what was leaving the house and what was going in the van. He seemed happy enough to repeat everything I said and occasionally get in the way just a little as heavy furniture was manoeuvred around him.

While we sat on the bench the window behind me opened and a little old, grey-haired head popped out. I smiled sweetly at the little old lady, and carried on the great furniture departure story with my boy. The lady smiled and told me that the bench was not communal. I said, "Ok...." in that kind of questioning way of saying, 'surely it's okay for me and my two year old to sit on it though?' But I had heard right the first time. The bench was not communal. It was her's and she'd like me and my son to not sit on it.


Aware that the two removal men were now watching this little moment unfold, I got off the bench and sat on the grass. The removal men made up a song about 'sad busybodies who had too much time on their hands' which I uncomfortably smiled at. And I sat and played with my youngest.

About ten minutes later, the little old lady opened her front door and asked me to come inside for a chat. So in I went to her little house. She started to explain to me that she lived with her old aged brother and his wife who was very disabled, and the noise travelled in from the bench by the window and disturbed her poorly sister in law. She thought I was moving in next door to her, and we had clearly got off on the wrong foot, so she wanted to apologise and explain her reactions.

I guess the whole thing got me thinking of how quick we are to judge one another. Without the little old lady's explanation, I wonder how I would have told the story to the husband when I got home. I presume I would have judged her as a busybody like the removal men had. I presume I would have judged me as the one in the right, and her as sticking her nose in, and being old and selfish. I wonder what judgements I make of others, their words and actions, without knowing the whole story or their heart behind those actions. I wonder what I take as a judgement about me, my kids, or my parenting when people say things. I wonder what my heart is like when I make these judgements or hear them back. The lady went from being a selfish busybody to a caring sister in law all in the space of ten minutes. Funny how a plank in the eye can really distort your vision!

 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7v3-5