Mothering an Empty Nest

This is an interview with one of those rare gems in life, and is the eleventh post in the Mothering series.

How long have you been mothering an empty nest? 

Our three sons are now 22, 24, and 27. They have been 'coming and going' for around five years, as they have travelled, attended university, lived independently and out of necessity come home for a season. Now the nest is 'officially' empty and has been for seven months.

How long were you mothering a fuller nest? 

Twenty eight years.

How did you feel about the nest emptying before it happened?

It's a little like preparing for your first child's birth, with practical arrangements to be made and an anticipation for what's to come. I always accepted you couldn't stop the inevitable; they would grow up, become independent  and leave home. However, it's fair to say that I had mixed emotions. Would my 'mothering' style change and if so, how? Would they stay in contact? How would my identity change? Would Simon and I remain in a good place in our marriage? And I knew I would miss them!   

How do you feel about the empty nest now?

I remember reading every baby book going before our first son was born and I thought afterwards that nothing quite prepares you for the real thing. But without that prior knowledge and encouragement from friends it could have been more difficult. I'm so grateful for my friends who are ahead of me because they showed me it's okay to occasionally feel sad or even cry because you are missing one or all of them. The adjusting continues in a positive and hopefully exciting way.

What's the best bit about an empty nest?

1. Everything is where I left it.

2. There's food in the fridge.

3. No clothes on bedroom floors!

4. Peace and quiet.

5. Lots of 'leftovers'

What's the worst bit about an empty nest?

All of the above except 1 and 3.

How do you 'mother' them out of the nest?

I am still their mother. I still love them to bits and I still hold very precious my role and all that is in my heart for them. But I fully expect and encourage them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves. At the heart of mothering is the relationship you have with your child and I know I don't have to make big changes in how I relate to each of them. They are all very loving towards me and honouring of me. Simon has consistently had that expectation from them, especially in a male dominated home. I'm very thankful for that.

In many ways my role hasn't changed. I still encourage them, I still give them hope when things are difficult, I still point out their 'best bits', I still want to feed them and any of their friends! I still take a big interest in their lives, I still have moments of concern for them and I'm still here if they need me.

And I still pray for them every day. There have been times when I have felt an urgency to pray only to find out that there has been good reason to do so. My all time prayer is that they will have hearts for God, whatever their circumstances. Psalm 100 v 5 continues to encourage me.  "For the Lord is good and his love endures for ever: his faithfulness continues through all generations".  I am thankful that they each have known God's love for them.

What is God teaching you through this season? 

There's nothing like a change of seasons to make you stop and take stock. There have  been times of feeling inadequate; thinking I could have done it differently.  Yet I have to  choose to take myself back to God's overwhelming Grace in my life, His kindness and the many ways He has blessed me and my family. I will never be the perfect mother but I know that God continues to help me.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him". Psalm 37v7

How has having an empty nest affected your marriage?

Life can be busy with work and family life so Simon and I made a choice a few years ago to build up some new interests together. We have a great marriage and we still enjoy each other's company so we make time together a real priority. This doesn't mean we spend all our time together, in fact, friendships are very important and we are enjoying the flexibility we now have to be with people. It's also a time to remember to keep going in all that God is doing in our lives and in the church, and our role in it all. 

What advice would you give mothers with full and hectic nests?

Embrace it. Thank God. Enjoy the season. Stay connected to friends. Don't beat yourself up when it's not going well. Ask for help. Make time to be with your husband to stay connected 

(a secure marriage is so important for your children). Keep learning about being a mother. Talk to God in the day - pray for your children and husband. Look after yourself and make a wee effort with how you look (good spin off in your marriage).  

Anything else....?

One of the great things about being a Christian is that I know God never gives up on me and He always has more for me. Although my life has become less hectic with an empty nest, it has given me space to do some of the things I've always wanted to do; exercising, organising a walking group with friends, being more available for people and families and looking out for how God would want to use me next. I feel very positive about this stage in my life because ultimately God is in control and I know He has more in store.  

Mothering Girls

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine who lives in a world of pink. She has written the tenth post in the Mothering series. At present, I do not fully understand her world and I definitely do not know what a fishtail plait is. One day she can teach me I'm sure.

My name is Rachel and I live in a house with just 1 blue toothbrush but a nice selection of pink ones. I love Emma Dawson - she is one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world.
I think we are very alike in lots of ways - attractive, intelligent, funny, humble ;) But it never ceases to amaze me how totally different our lives are simply because of the gender of our kids! It is astonishing. On tired days, I get out the felt pens and a mountain of printer paper so I can have a break while she heads to the park so her boys can run free, which gives her a break. Now I don't want to be too stereotypical here - yes boys can like dressing up and colouring too, and yes girls can like climbing trees and kicking footballs. 

 I have 3 girls - and I sometimes don't think they could be more different from each other if they tried. One is quiet and sensitive and likes reading and knitting and art. She doesn't like sweets, gets full marks on her spellings and would rather eat worms than be told off (and she is really not a worm eating sort of girl). One is loud and constantly interactive and lives in a world of make believe where there are invisible people and made up words and bendy boundaries. She doesn't understand the point of fruit and veg, she can't sit still when music plays and she has a memory like a goldfish. The other one is funny and strong and all about people. She is spontaneously thoughtful, the most physical and at the grand old age of 2 has spent more time on the naughty step than the other two combined :) But the things they share apart from the pink toothbrushes are the things that make them girls. 

Parenting girls is a lot like parenting boys I would expect. You love them, feed them and cloth them. You teach, discipline and pray for them. Some things are different though - the evenings spent learning to crochet so you can help them to do it, the Saturday morning YouTube research to learn how to do fishtail plaits or top knots, doing the laundry in loads of darks, whites and pinks and the repeated use of the phrase "you have to keep still while your nail varnish dries". There are other mysteries too, like where all the glitter comes from and of course, Barbie and High school musical are on repeat.  But there is one great advantage to mothering girls; us mothers are girls. And even though we may have daughters who are very different from the type of girl we were, there is still a familiarity and empathy as we watch them deal with the business of being female. We understand bad hair days and how school friends can be mean and the overwhelming confusion that is hormones and emotions because we have been there. Having said that I feel spectacularly out of my depth on a daily basis. I am so grateful to know God's help in raising my girls. 

2 Corinthians 13v14 is Paul's prayer for his friends in the city of Corinth;  

"The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God

 and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." 

This is my prayer for my daughters but also for me as I parent them - that we might know the amazing grace of Jesus, the unconditional love of God and the constant friendship and help of the Holy Spirit. Girls (and mums) need grace. Grace is the undeserved favour of God or put simply, God doesn't punish us for all we have done wrong and fail to do right - He puts all that on Jesus so we go free.  This is such great news, we get a clean slate. We get to start over. Our girls need to be accepted and loved when they do well and when they fail, whether they win or loose, whatever their size or shape, with all their strengths and weaknesses.  I so desperately want my girls to know that they are wanted and loved and accepted whatever they have done. We are not perfect and neither are they. We all need to know God's forgiveness and grace. 

 

As girls our identity and self worth is hugely defined by our dads - for good or bad. But whether we had a great father or a terrible father or no father at all, there is a Father in Heaven who made us and loves us totally. Our daughters need to know who He is and how He sees them. They are chosen and accepted, daughters of the King of Kings. Knowing His definition of them is crucial to them riding the storms of peer pressure and the ups and downs of life. 

And then there is the Holy Spirit - when Jesus went back to Heaven He promised to send us "the helper". The Holy Spirit is such a friend in parenting - He can bring wisdom when you are out of your depth, peace and joy in the midst of uncertainty, patience when you are losing it. And what a friend to introduce our daughters to - He understands every fibre of their being, every emotion they feel, every thought, every question - and He has all the wisdom and power and resources of Heaven to bring into their little lives. How any one manages to do life without His help is a mystery to me.  

I am learning so much in this crazy season of life while my children are young. How to depend on God for strength and wisdom when I'm way out of my depth.  When I feel like I might pop just because I love them so much, I get a glimpse of how God loves me. And there's nothing like parenting to crush your selfishness. They teach me about unconditional love and surprise me with kindness. There is so much diversity and creativity in everything they do that makes me worship God because He's so clever. 

My girls and I are only just starting out on this incredible journey but our prayer for you is that you and your daughters (and your husbands and sons too) might know the Grace of our dear Jesus, the massive love of God the father and the fellowship of His awesome Holy Spirit more and more. Amen.  

Mothering Young

This is my friend's testimony, and is the ninth post in the Mothering series.

As I reached the age of 12/13, I decided I would attend my parents' church still but I didn't want to believe simply because my parents did, that was then I drifted away. I spent 3years making bad choices and mixing with friends that weren't healthy. I had been very independent, doing life my own way. At 15, whilst struggling with severe depression, I got into a messy relationship and just after my 16th birthday I discovered I was single and pregnant.

I eventually got my head around the idea of being a single mum just before my 20week scan, which I chose to attend alone in an attempt to prove to myself I was capable of being a good independent mother. I was incredibly excited to hear the news of the sex of my child, but the scan also revealed that my daughter was going to be born with a cleft lip and pallet. Right there and then my world fell apart. 

Heartbroken, after many tear filled nights, I allowed my mum to speak into my life and pray over her unborn grandchild. My mum and I had always had a rocky relationship but during my pregnancy she was amazing, and I could see God's love displayed in her kindness, forgiveness and generosity. 

I realised I really needed God and started to pray over my daughter and accepted Jesus back into my life to take over the mess I'd found myself in.  As I prayed that Alarna would be healed I felt God speak very clearly for the first time, He told me that Alarna wouldn't be healed but that He would be by my side through the process, and from that moment I really did feel His presence with me. I suppose it’s then that I first gave Him my heart fully and trusted him in all things.

Over the next few months I had numerous scans and lots of trips to several different hospitals, still heartbroken that I was alone and unable to enjoy a 'normal' pregnancy. I got lots of dirty looks from people as my belly grew, but I didn't care. And after a long and traumatic labour I finally met Alarna Lily-Grace for the very first time. That feeling was incredible although it really wasn't how I had dreamt it to be. Alarna had an incredibly severe bilateral cleft lip and palate, which meant I was unable to bond with her through breast feeding and instead I had to express and feed via tubes and special bottles for 9months. I felt very disconnected from her. 

Being a young mum did come about as a total shock and through the pregnancy/1st year I was in total denial and I didn't feel I bonded well with Alarna at all. I kept busy. So many people said I wouldn't make it, that I'd hate it and life would be a struggle. They weren't wrong and those words have stayed with me, but I used that as a good thing and fought hard to constantly prove myself. I went back to work and college when she was 5weeks old and expressed breast milk and until 9months. The hardest thing was expressing in the college toilets whilst my girl friends were reapplying there makeup! 

When taking her out in public, I had never expected how tough it would be to hear some of the comments muttered and try to ignore the stares she got. Alarna had weekly hospital appointments in special units and had to endure 4 operations in her first 10months, each time her smile and cry changed dramatically. Having to hold my tiny little girl down as she had to be put under a general anaesthetic was a horrible pain I suffered regularly during her first year, each time being handed back a child that looked so different from the child that I had handed over to be operated on. It was during times like these I felt so lonely not having a partner to share the feelings I had for my daughter. Things were tough.  I'd failed my GCSE's and my future looked bleak.

Within a few months of going along to a friend's church, I met Nathan there and we cautiously started dating. Nathan and Alarna instantly hit it off. I found it hard to force myself to trust Nathan and rely on him for comfort and support, but he was amazing and stepped up to the plate.


Roughly 18months later we got married, moved in to our first house together and Nathan legally adopted Alarna. 

As a couple we had our share of ups and down; dating whilst caring for an under one year old, walking down the aisle with a toddler and being newly weds with a non napping child. Despite this it was great to be a proper family, and our first year we felt God was close, we were blessed and things were good. When we discovered we would be unable to conceive another child naturally, or through IVF, my world began to crumble again and I doubted the last two years of Gods faithfulness. I was devastated, upset, angry even, that things hadn't worked the way I wanted and I turned my back on God again.

Godly couples surrounded us and tried their best to support us in what can only be described as an incredibly painful time. After a year I'd had enough, I wanted our relationship back and I decided it was time to speak to God again.  I poured my heart out to Him; all my pain and anger and once again He comforted me. Often I struggled with getting the words out so I'd write my feelings on paper like a letter to God. He took me back to the time I first called upon Him, pregnant and alone, and reminded me that life doesn’t go the way we plan but that He has far greater plans. I decided that if we were to never have another child, I would be ok with whatever God had in store. I know His plans are far greater, even though I do want to be a mum again.

When I gave birth to Alarna I realised that God had saved me from a life that could have been so much worse had I continued the path I was on. I was His child and He'd comforted, cared for and protected me more than I knew I deserved. Alarna is now in year 1 at school and after a rocky start has settled in well and been discharged from most hospital appointments including speech therapy. Alarna is such a testimony to Gods faithfulness. She has battled through so much in her five years and has blossomed through it all. She still suffers with the odd comment from small children and battles through things on a day to day basis that others don’t have to, but she's happy & confident, doing incredibly well at school and has an incredible acceptance of people from all walks of life! 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29v11

This verse helps, whatever is going on in my life; good or bad, stressed or relaxed, wealthy or skint, God's in it all. He's there and He's my friend. I can confide in Him at all times and He will comfort me. The more time I spend with Him, the deeper our friendship. He not only loves me but he likes me too.

Mothering with Post Natal Depression

This is a friend's story and is the eighth post in the Mothering series.

I'm mum to three fantastic kids; Jack 9, Tess nearly 7 (she'd prefer that to 6) and Neve is 2. When I had Jack it was the most wonderful thing, I fully loved being a mum and it was me and him against the world! When I gave birth to Tess, she was scrumptious and a really easy baby, who at 2 months old found her thumb and would self-soothe. Jack found it a little hard to adapt but no different to any other toddler with a new sister. I, on the other hand, seemed to find it harder and harder. Maybe it was a bad idea to have had another child and I just couldn't mother 2 children at the same time.

I felt so low I would sometimes sit Jack in front of the TV and go and sit on his bed and just cry. I chose his room because I always kept it tidy and it made me feel safe for some reason. Other times I would shout at him and get cross and then I'd cry and apologise. Andy would come home after work and I would confess everything to him in tears again. I also had this mad anxiety that the children were going to be taken. Even if they were about a metre away from me, I would be a little panicky and shout at Andy to make sure they were fine.

When Tess was around four months old we went on a trip to stay with my sister. I'd been panicking about the amount of milk Tess was getting and had attempted to top her up with formula, which had made it even more difficult for me to know how much breast milk she was getting. I was a little obsessed and very teary about it.
My sister, quietly watching this over a few days, asked if I'd spoken to the doctor about the milk situation or anything else. When I said no, she printed off a little questionnaire from the Internet and asked me to fill it out.

 It was a Post Natal Depression questionnaire. This asked questions such as 'Have I been able to laugh and see the funny side of things?' - You had to tick one of the following answers (a) as much as I always could (b) not quite so much now (c) definitely not so much now and (d) not at all.

My score suggested that I could have post natal depression.

When we came home I made an appointment to see the doctor and again he asked me to fill out the same questionnaire. He told me that I had post natal depression. It felt like a weight had been lifted off me - maybe I wasn't a terrible mum after all... maybe it was okay that I had more than one child....these two doubts had been my constant companions.

I was given a prescription for anti-depressants. As a Christian, I didn't know how I should feel about taking them. Shouldn't I be able to pray about this and it go away or was I failing at that too? My personal time with God had hit an all time low through all this. I knew He was real but I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't worship Him and I couldn't really connect with Him.

I spoke to my parents, my sister and obviously Andy and decided to start taking the pills. The doctor described it to me as a chemical imbalance in my body, caused by the baby hormones. The pills would adjust that imbalance and gradually get it back to normal. My body would then start to be able to do it by itself without the help of the medication and then I could come off them. That seemed do-able. I would not be on them forever but they would help for a time. I took a low dose, it levelled me out and made me able to see life in a less extreme way. I still had the full range of emotions but they were more 'normal'.

My health visitor signed me up to a PND group (we called it my 'mad' group) which ran for 13 weeks every Monday morning, for three hours. It was a little cringy to start with - a group of 'mad' women all in a room together, coming to talk about our feelings and our lives. But it did mean someone looked after my children for me for 3 hours each week for free, so I kept going. Some days, I didn't feel like talking, other days I cried. There were other times when you couldn't shut me up. What it did do was made me realise how much I didn't talk about how I felt, particularly to other women - particularly to other Christian women - because they all had it sorted didn't they?! God started to really show me how to open up and how to trust people with my feelings and my emotions. In return, it could really help me build relationships and take my friendships to a deeper level. It sounds obvious I know.

 "Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2v15

Andy was amazing. I think he lost me pretty much for nearly two years. Our physical relationship became almost non-existent, I didn't really laugh much anymore and I was permanently anxious. I completely depended on him and would often phone him at work saying I couldn't cope and that he would have to come home. He said he could tell I was getting better when I was able to laugh at myself again, when things became lighter and I started to relax. 

I started growing vegetables. Being able to prepare the soil, plant seeds, watch them grow and then harvest them was amazing, I was in control of something! It also brought me closer to God. It sounds silly but I felt so close to His creation and that was lovely. I think I mostly listened to worship music at the time, instead of reading the bible because I couldn't concentrate. I would play it loud and just let it wash over me.

"The Lord will guide you continually,
    giving you water when you are dry
    and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like an ever-flowing spring." Isaiah 58v11

Two and a half years ago, I had Neve. I was told the odds were against me and I would probably get post natal depression again, I didn't.

Looking back now, it has taught me a lot. I do have weaknesses that need protecting but I think I now know my limits. I'm quicker to share when I think I'm going down and don't see it as a failure as much. I'm (a bit) better at asking for help. I have more patience and a lot more compassion for something that I had no real understanding of before. God's taught me that the fruits of His spirit are gifts that I can have. I just need to focus on Him more and not the world around me. And then, when I focus on Him, those gifts flow out of me more freely too. I feel he's added another string to my bow, another experience in life I can use to help others with, another scar that just adds character.

Mothering someone else's

This is the story of a lady at church, who is currently fostering a child. It is the seventh post in the Mothering series.

I told myself that if I still had no children at age 40, I’d foster or adopt. I'm now 43. I was thinking and praying about the whole issue when I became aware that one of the new children at the school where I taught was in temporary foster care. I was very fond of her and we got on really well, and the question of whether I should foster suddenly became very real and tangible. I could almost say I fantasised about being her ‘mummy’, whilst wondering if I could really do it, and hardly daring to believe that I could. I was full of doubts and would swing from feeling it was impossible and I was being ridiculous, to feeling overwhelming love for this little girl and desperately wanting to take her home with me. 

In what was an unusually bold step for me, I went to the fostering team and said I was interested in fostering Sarah, only to be told it was impossible. She was going to be placed out of area and she was being ‘advertised nationally’. They had some families interested in her and she needed a place straight away. It would take far too long for me to get ‘approved’ as a full-time foster carer and my flat was not suitable. I had to have a house with a garden. I felt as though I had come up against a brick wall and it was not even a possibility. I thought maybe this was God’s way of saying no, so I prayed about it. I’d like to say I felt sure that it was the right thing, but I just didn’t know at all.

Quite a few of my church friends thought I shouldn't do it.  Maybe they thought I should focus on looking for a husband rather than a child, or perhaps they thought I'd never cope as a single parent, or that it would just be foolish.  Others encouraged me to pursue it.  I found it very confusing with such conflicting views and advice from my close friends who were all people whose advice and wisdom I trusted. That was really hard and it pushed me back onto God. I realised I wasn't going to get answers, reassurance or clarity from other people - it was only me who could actually make the decision, so I had to seek God about it for myself. So eventually, I figured I should keep pushing the doors and God would shut them if it wasn’t right. So that’s what I did.

I kept pushing lots of doors, and gradually they all opened. The ‘other families’ all fell through . I eventually managed to sell my flat and moved to a house with a garden. The final hurdle was the ‘foster panel’ which I managed to get through after an incredibly lengthy and in depth assessment which analysed every aspect of my life and was quite intrusive. I learnt such a lot through that year.

Sarah has now been with me for just over a year. She is with me on a ‘long-term’ placement, which means until she is 18. She has totally changed my life! There have been, and continually are, lots of challenges. Many times I have thought, ‘I can’t do this’. I have never regretted taking her on. I’d wanted to be a mum for ages, and I know that the hard times and sleepless nights are all part of that. I love her and I’m very grateful to God for my girl who I thought I’d never have.

Sarah is very affectionate, which I never really expected from a fostered child, so that’s an added bonus and something which I’m really grateful to God for. We have a very close relationship and I don’t think I could love her anymore if she was my own flesh and blood. She even calls me ‘mumma’, which again I’d never expected. I’d given up hope of anyone ever calling me mum! I love taking her out places and seeing her enjoy herself. I love picking her up from school in the afternoon as she is always so excited to see me. I would say I just ‘enjoy her’ for who she is – she makes me smile such a lot, she is such a character! I’ve probably smiled more in the last year than the last 10years put together. She really is good company.

In regards to ‘mothering someone else’s child’ – well, that’s a strange concept as a lot of the time I almost forget she’s not ‘my child’.  It feels as though she is my child, and I think of her as though she is. It is very strange though to ‘acquire’ a 5 yr old child and to know very little about their background. Every time she gets upset about her birth mum, I am reminded forcefully that she isn’t mine. It breaks my heart sometimes when Sarah cries for her birth mum. I wonder how to respond to my little 6 year old girl with learning difficulties when she tells me she’s got 4 mummies. I wonder if she expects to move on from me to the next mummy soon.  Does she think I will send her away if she’s too naughty? Does she wonder when the next mummy will come along? Or do her learning difficulties spare her from thinking ahead. I rather hope she just lives in the moment.

What have I learnt about myself, you ask. Probably how selfish I was before! I was so used to living on my own and not having to fit my life around anyone else. I also didn’t quite realise how much I need my sleep. I have discovered how hard it is to keep calm and even-tempered with her all the time if I am tired and feeling ratty and she is driving me to distraction. I know that I can’t do this parenting thing on my own, particularly as a single parent – I get to the end of myself rather too quickly. I so need God’s strength and wisdom to help me. I am so grateful that God has shown me so much love and I want to give out His love to Sarah. I know how often I fail. I am learning that I can only do this in his strength, not on my own.

I have learnt that I can step out in faith, and that I have to do this to make things happen. I have always been one to sit on the sidelines, to watch life go by, too scared to make any decisions for fear of making a wrong one. A child wasn’t going to land in my lap unless I took some steps to make it happen. If I’d sat back and waited, I would still be waiting. Left to my own devices, I would probably have waited for God to leave a child on my doorstep. I have learnt that I have to push doors to see if they will open, I have to take the initiative, and to pray that God will shut doors if I’m pushing the wrong ones. Being passive isn’t how God wants me to be. Being scared of life isn’t how God wants me to be.

Although my life is not quite how I had intended – I’m still single and haven’t had a baby of my own – God has shown me that he was not unaware of my heart’s desires. And he has blessed me so much. I am so thankful to Him. A verse which has supported me since having Sarah, is Proverbs 3 v 5 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding'.  So many times I'm trying to fathom out what's best to do and I have to remember I can't do it on my own.  Neither do I need to, as God is here to help.

Mothering & Working

This is an interview with a friend of mine, who has three children and works both in and out of the home. It is the sixth post in the Mothering series.

What job do you do and how often do you work?
I am a solicitor and I work 3 days a week.

Why do you work?
I find it provides a helpful balance. When I had my first daughter I was going a bit stir crazy as a 'stay at home mum' which was leading me to resent her. When she was 18 months old, I got a call out of the blue from my old boss about a job in Brighton. I had been looking for a job in Brighton for 2 years before I fell pregnant and so to suddenly have a good job fall into my lap felt like real provision from God. Now that I have two more children I still find that it works well for us as a family for me to be working. This is partly a question of finances and partly a question of my character.
Both my mum and my mum-in-law worked while they had children, so for both me and my husband there was a precedent of mothers being busy both outside and inside the home.

I have some great friends and colleagues at work. I am the only Christian that many of them have in their lives and I am open about my faith. I feel that God has a role for me in demonstrating His love to them in what can be a highly pressured environment.

Did you always want to return to work after having kids?
I had anticipated taking a long-ish career break after having my first daughter.
I knew I could not/would not go back to commuting to London for my job as the demands did not fit with having a family (it didn’t really fit all that well with having a husband). I always expected that I would go back to work at some point, it was just a matter of the right opportunity arising at the right time. 

How did going back to work make you feel?
I felt a whole range of emotions on going back to work. Any change that momentous is going to stir things up. I felt anxious about my daughter at nursery and guilt on the mornings she didn’t want me to leave her there. I felt relief to once again use my lawyer brain and happy to be able to go to the toilet on my own and make myself a cup of tea when I wanted one. Each time I’ve gone back to work we’ve reassessed whether it’s the right thing and agreed to revisit it after 3 months when things have settled.

Who are your children with, when you're at work?
My older two both went to nursery and thrived on it. The juggling with two at school and one at home was just too much and so we used a childminder for about a year. When she moved on we employed a nanny.


When you're at work, do you think about the kids? How do you feel about not being with them?
Of course I think about the kids when I’m at work and they’re part of my conversations with my colleagues too. I look up and check the weather when it’s time for the school run and I remember where they are and what they’re doing throughout the day. I know that they are safe and well looked after and so I feel comfortable about not being with them. I don’t turn off the “primary carer” role just because they aren’t physically in my care. I trust and like my nanny, so I don’t worry or feel guilty about the children being with her.

Is it hard juggling work and time with the kids?
Life is full on with three kids whether you’re working or not. In some ways it’s easier to be working because I can afford to employ a cleaner. I can pop to the shops in my lunch break for the things we’ve run out of at home. Or go and buy school fancy dress or birthday presents or any of the other emergencies that life throws at you. In other ways it’s hard not to be the one picking them up from school and enjoying music groups etc with them.

My job is quite demanding and being a mother does mean I have to say no to things at work and make it clear that I have commitments outside work that I can’t break. I do feel at times that I have to fight to keep work contained into my three days. It would easily spill over if I let it.

How do other people react to you being a working mum? 
I don’t know if people judge me for working, but I do feel a residual guilt as a Christian mother who has chosen to work. It’s easy to get the impression in church circles that mothers don’t work, which is perhaps because the non-working mothers are more visible. This is compounded by the fact that the more traditional model of family, is for mothers not to work. I do find that some people at church are still somewhat tied to the more traditional family model, which can be hurtful at times though it’s not intended. (I keep Deborah, Lydia and the Wife of Noble Character (Prov 31) in reserve for any awkward conversations).

For me, it has been a challenge to be very clear on why I am working. I keep reassessing with my husband, if it is the right thing for us as a family. I do still feel the “mummy guilt” every now and then, because as a mother you absolutely want what is best for your kids and can worry that you are not doing your best. I’m confident for now, that me working is for the best but I’m open to that changing.

How do your kids feel about you working? 
I think that if I asked them they would say they’d rather I was with them all the time, but if they had what they wished for I expect they might change their minds!

What's the best and hardest thing about you working?
The best thing is being able to be myself; both lawyer and mother. I wouldn’t manage to be myself if I did only one of the two roles. The hardest things are leaving my littlest with the nanny in the morning and not being the one to pick my big two up from school.

Do you think your kids miss out or get the best out of you because you work?
I think they get the best out of me because I work, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t miss out on other things.

Are there any worship songs which have blessed you in this season?
Lou Fellingham’s “Promised Land” because it talks of the magnificence of Jesus and His salvation but also underlines that we’re pressing on towards something more as we go through life. It helps to give me perspective. It also reminds me that I am His and whatever I do each day, it is all His and it is all for Him. There’s one line: “With the Spirit’s help I can journey on”, sometimes I’m simply clinging on to that in both work-life and home-life but that’s all He asks of me. The whole album is a real help and encouragement to me.

What has God taught you about Himself, while being a working mum?
God has taught me that He is faithful and reliable. I firmly believe that he has sent me this job and that he has had the childcare in hand. The childminder was perfect for her season and now our nanny is perfect for this season. He sent them both to us.

What has God taught you about yourself?
I find that being a working mum can leave me quite isolated. I drew a lot of support and friendship from other women in the church when I was on maternity leave but my working pattern means I can’t now attend the Mums’ Prayer meetings. There are times when I feel I’m out there on my own. The consequence for me of feeling out there on my own and facing the constant juggling is to fall into self-sufficiency. This is, of course total madness as there’s no way I can do it all on my own. I’m now meeting up with a friend more regularly who is brilliant at bringing things back to Jesus and at encouraging me in my faith.


How do you feel about being a mum? It's the most challenging, rewarding, frustrating, relentless, joyous thing I could ever imagine. It's a real privilege and responsibility but so full of laughter at the same time. I love it.

Mothering Many

This is an interview with a mother who has nine children. It is the fifth post in the Mothering  series. It's quite a long one, but definitely worth a read, because it has holds such richness for us mums to grab hold of. So put the kettle on and sit at the feet of a mum who has gone before us.

How many children do you have?

I have 9 children aged 12 to 31. My kids were 18, 17, 16, 13, 11, 9, 7, 3, when I had a new born.

Did you (and hubby) always want a big family?

We prayed about birth control. I saw in the Bible that children are a blessing from God, and believed that God is the ultimate planner. We received faith from God to trust Him as much as possible with planning our family. Whether He would give us ANY children was up to Him. He kept giving us fresh faith to receive another baby. It wasn't a one-time decision; we needed to receive grace and faith from God often along the way. We wanted to welcome any child God would send us. We often felt that we were "in over our heads", even when we only had ONE child, so clearly it was not about our feelings of inadequacy, but about God's grace giving us all we needed to do what He called us to do.

What is the best thing about having a large family?

I LOVE seeing my kids love each other. We recently had a family vacation, 20 of us together at the beach; our grown kids, the youngest few still living at home, plus spouses, a fiance and our kids' kids. A richness of relationships. My husband and I can hardly believe how RICH we feel. It is worth every bit of time and energy invested.

What is the hardest thing about having a large family?

The stretching of resources, although as my husband says, "you can't out-give God". Somehow He has given us all we have ever needed.

Was there a particular stage of development you really enjoyed/found hard?

Having only pre-schoolers is hard because you spend all day giving, with no adult conversation. I found it important to make sure to schedule at least one get-together with a friend each week.

From age 6 to 10 is a fun time where they are fairly capable, but you still can be in control of most things. With the teens, the challenge is to give them increasing

freedom and responsibility; becoming more of a coach or helper. It is scary, since there is a lot of trouble they can get into if they make bad choices. Remaining sane through this stage requires putting your hope and trust in God, which we have had varying degrees of success with. Any feeling of control that we might have is an illusion. As Christians we know the One who IS in control, and can go to Him for help, grace and wisdom. He loves our kids more than we do.

Was mothering many easy for you?

Life is not easy. So no, it was not easy. There are a lot of years of sowing into children with little return. God knew this, so he made these little ones cute. But the cutest little cherubs know how to bring out the wrath of mom. Previous to having kids I thought I was pretty easy going, but found out how mad I could get when crossed.

What does God thinks about mothers?

"He gently leads those who have young" Isaiah 40:11. God is not a cruel taskmaster but a kind and loving father. By His grace, He will not give a mother more than she can handle. He sees every sacrifice a mother makes and collects every tear in a bottle. He is merciful toward us and doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. It is so easy for moms to feel guilty about not doing enough or not loving them enough. They can beat themselves up over it, but God is not looking at us that way.

Did you manage to spend time with God while having little ones?

A scheduled ‘time with God’ went out the window with the birth of my first child. Maybe I'm just not that good at keeping a schedule. But God doesn't care about the scheduled times we think we need to have with Him. He wants all of us, all of the time. I had seasons of talking to him throughout the day. My best times with God were in the night; awake because of pregnancy, awake because of a crying or sick child. I used to get so irritated, lying there wakeful, thinking of how tired I'd be the next day. I began to keep my Bible by my bed, and would read it when I couldn't sleep. You always get something good from reading the Bible; maybe inspiring or comforting things about who God is and what He is like. Other times, He speaks something intensely personal that changes your life and fills you with hope and joy. I used to feel guilty, that God had to speak to me in the night, since I ignored Him all day. As if it was second best. Now I see it was His provision for me and that He was thrilled to meet with me then.

How did having so many children benefit or hinder your children?

People lament being an only child, being an ignored middle child, having to be the oldest one who cared for younger brothers and sisters, being the youngest in the family who got dumped on by everyone else. By the grace of God, He uses our circumstances to bless us, even what we perceive as difficult. One benefit is that they were actually needed to help run things at home, so they learnt to serve.

I am sure that various kids, at various times felt like they didn't get enough attention from me, but they seem to have come out of it ok. They probably have had opportunities to go to God for inner healing. I really love getting to see all the good things that God has put into them.

Having Simon our youngest born with special needs (he has Down syndrome) may have been the biggest blessing of all of us. He has taught us about the love of God not being dependant on our accomplishments or abilities. His brothers and sisters all did a lot to help him, and loved on him and played with him.

What did God teach you about Himself?

"In that day they will say, 'Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him, and He saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation" 
Isaiah 25v9. He never disappoints those who hope in Him.

I used to cling to the verse that says "I was young and now I am old, and I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." Now I am ‘older’, I can say it is true. He is faithful, even when we are not.

What did you learn about yourself?

There is not an unselfish bone in my body except for what the Holy Spirit does in and through me.

Were you a perfect mum?

I definitely did not feel like I was cut out to be a mom. After my first baby was born, though, I found out that the love God puts in a mother's heart makes it all different. Not that I didn't grumble and complain often. The way God has done most of His work in me, is through being a mom. A perfect Mom is not someone who holds up a standard that no one can reach, but someone who is growing. It involves being honest about your weaknesses, asking the kids' forgiveness when you sin against them, sharing with them what you are learning from God and what you love about God. It is about loving and following God in front of your children.

Would you encourage mums to have lots of children?

I would encourage them to obey God. It is not about how many children you have. I would encourage them to go for what God puts in their hearts, and not listen to the wisdom of the world, or others pushing their views on them. He will be their provision in every way.

What advice would you give any mum?

Do not compare yourself with other Moms. Comparisons kill. Either you come out feeling above or below others, proud or depressed, neither being how God is looking at you. I wasted way too much time doing that. It is a fight not to do that. Paul talks in 2 Corinthians 10v12 about "when they measure themselves by one another...they are without understanding." I think another version says they are foolish. Thinking you should be like someone else also robs you of your uniqueness. God gave YOU your kids, not someone else.

Did you still manage to have time with your hubby?

This was a challenge. Kids need your attention physically and emotionally all day (and night) which can leave you depleted for your husband. I was far from perfect about this, but it is important to put his needs before mine. God helped me with this. Bill needed to have grace for me too. Somehow we did manage to grab bits of time to connect with each other. Once our oldest was old enough to be in charge of the others, we had a weekly breakfast date. Early morning, the beginning of the day, the kids didn't have much time to cook up trouble...lol

How did you raise your kids spiritually?

First, I just tried to keep on following and responding to Jesus myself. A full life in God is attractive. We prayed for them, and still do. We read Scripture aloud together, which my husband was and is especially good about. He doesn't let squabbling, complaining, or fidgety kids keep it from happening. We would all sit around the living room, and each person who could read had a turn to read a verse. Younger kids just sat and listened, often in Dad's lap. Sometimes Bill would assign parts to various kids; a narrator and someone to say each character's lines.

Sometimes we memorized Scriptures together. We would recite them at the dinner table. Bill would recite them when tucking kids into bed. I put some to little tunes that the kids can still sing/recite 25 years later (and laugh about). We often felt we should have done more. There were gaps of time when we were struggling or distracted, but every bit adds up, like drops filling up a bucket over time. Nothing good is wasted.

We included our kids in what we were doing in church, prayer meetings and sitting with us during the preach. We worshipped at home together with the kids, giving them instruments, and having a lot of fun.
 

We are a team, and welcomed people into our home together. Kids served by helping visiting kids feel at home, so we could chat with the adults after dinner.

They might take coats at the door or set or clear the table. They knew we were serving people because Jesus loves people. They would help fix a meal to take to another family. Bill would take older kids to help people move house. Kids had chores, since every member of the team contributes to the running of our home.

Did you find discipline hard with so many?

By God's grace, it seemed that there was only one issue to deal with at a time. We trained the older kids and they set an example to the younger ones. Younger kids learn that this is the way we do things in this family. We spanked kids for disrespect, defiance, and wilfull disobedience. We were not perfect about this or anything else. We let them know that we were doing our best to obey Jesus, and that we were responsible to teach them to have a willing heart of obedience. We aimed to never spank in anger.

The biggest offence in our home was to disrespect mom. Bill always backed me up, which really helped them obey me when he wasn't home. I am really thankful for his support in this. This is a hard situation for single moms, not having the back-up. We noticed the three day pattern; realising there was a big discipline issue that needed to be addressed (these sneak up on you gradually) we got serious about dealing with it, and we pretty much always saw results by the third day.

What's the best thing about being a mum?

To be completely honest, all my material that is worth anything is His. My mothering life has been one rescue after another by His Holy Spirit giving me wisdom, endurance, and conviction of my own sin. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is the most rewarding.

And now, looking back...
This morning, I was reading Psalms 127 & 128, and I am tearing up over how generous God has been to me. "BEHOLD: Children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward." Looking back, I can see how as my husband and I have trusted the LORD to build our house, our labor has brought reward. And that reward has ten times more worth than all we have put into raising our children (well in our case, 9 times more). There are blessings that we are receiving from and through them as they are becoming adults. We are seeing them love God and throw themselves into His purposes. God has multiplied our efforts, and now we get to also be part of all He is doing through them!

Assuming some of those reading my interview are considering having a lotta kids, I want to encourage anyone feeling God tugging you in that direction to go for it! "Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain." But if the LORD is building your house, your labor will bring a huge reward. "Those who sow generously will also reap generously". 2 Corinthians 9:6