Mothering an Empty Nest

This is an interview with one of those rare gems in life, and is the eleventh post in the Mothering series.

How long have you been mothering an empty nest? 

Our three sons are now 22, 24, and 27. They have been 'coming and going' for around five years, as they have travelled, attended university, lived independently and out of necessity come home for a season. Now the nest is 'officially' empty and has been for seven months.

How long were you mothering a fuller nest? 

Twenty eight years.

How did you feel about the nest emptying before it happened?

It's a little like preparing for your first child's birth, with practical arrangements to be made and an anticipation for what's to come. I always accepted you couldn't stop the inevitable; they would grow up, become independent  and leave home. However, it's fair to say that I had mixed emotions. Would my 'mothering' style change and if so, how? Would they stay in contact? How would my identity change? Would Simon and I remain in a good place in our marriage? And I knew I would miss them!   

How do you feel about the empty nest now?

I remember reading every baby book going before our first son was born and I thought afterwards that nothing quite prepares you for the real thing. But without that prior knowledge and encouragement from friends it could have been more difficult. I'm so grateful for my friends who are ahead of me because they showed me it's okay to occasionally feel sad or even cry because you are missing one or all of them. The adjusting continues in a positive and hopefully exciting way.

What's the best bit about an empty nest?

1. Everything is where I left it.

2. There's food in the fridge.

3. No clothes on bedroom floors!

4. Peace and quiet.

5. Lots of 'leftovers'

What's the worst bit about an empty nest?

All of the above except 1 and 3.

How do you 'mother' them out of the nest?

I am still their mother. I still love them to bits and I still hold very precious my role and all that is in my heart for them. But I fully expect and encourage them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves. At the heart of mothering is the relationship you have with your child and I know I don't have to make big changes in how I relate to each of them. They are all very loving towards me and honouring of me. Simon has consistently had that expectation from them, especially in a male dominated home. I'm very thankful for that.

In many ways my role hasn't changed. I still encourage them, I still give them hope when things are difficult, I still point out their 'best bits', I still want to feed them and any of their friends! I still take a big interest in their lives, I still have moments of concern for them and I'm still here if they need me.

And I still pray for them every day. There have been times when I have felt an urgency to pray only to find out that there has been good reason to do so. My all time prayer is that they will have hearts for God, whatever their circumstances. Psalm 100 v 5 continues to encourage me.  "For the Lord is good and his love endures for ever: his faithfulness continues through all generations".  I am thankful that they each have known God's love for them.

What is God teaching you through this season? 

There's nothing like a change of seasons to make you stop and take stock. There have  been times of feeling inadequate; thinking I could have done it differently.  Yet I have to  choose to take myself back to God's overwhelming Grace in my life, His kindness and the many ways He has blessed me and my family. I will never be the perfect mother but I know that God continues to help me.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him". Psalm 37v7

How has having an empty nest affected your marriage?

Life can be busy with work and family life so Simon and I made a choice a few years ago to build up some new interests together. We have a great marriage and we still enjoy each other's company so we make time together a real priority. This doesn't mean we spend all our time together, in fact, friendships are very important and we are enjoying the flexibility we now have to be with people. It's also a time to remember to keep going in all that God is doing in our lives and in the church, and our role in it all. 

What advice would you give mothers with full and hectic nests?

Embrace it. Thank God. Enjoy the season. Stay connected to friends. Don't beat yourself up when it's not going well. Ask for help. Make time to be with your husband to stay connected 

(a secure marriage is so important for your children). Keep learning about being a mother. Talk to God in the day - pray for your children and husband. Look after yourself and make a wee effort with how you look (good spin off in your marriage).  

Anything else....?

One of the great things about being a Christian is that I know God never gives up on me and He always has more for me. Although my life has become less hectic with an empty nest, it has given me space to do some of the things I've always wanted to do; exercising, organising a walking group with friends, being more available for people and families and looking out for how God would want to use me next. I feel very positive about this stage in my life because ultimately God is in control and I know He has more in store.