Let the Battle Commence

I came down this morning to last night's reminder, of a Nerf battle. When the boys were little, Nerf battles were an every day occassion. One of mine would put a Nerf toy on every birthday list, and I was 'Mum of the Year' if I just bought a packet of the foam bullets for no reason. We have a drawer of them under one of the beds, and every de-clutter of the house that I try to do, I suggest we lose one or two of them, and I am met with strong oppostition from every child in the house. 

We started out saying they were to 'freeze' people, 'stun' them maybe, because I wasn't too comfortable with the play shooting, for all kinds of good reasons. Then we moved on to asking them to use different words in front of the little ones, in order to protect their understanding. What actually happened, is the little ones just ended up with quite a vast vocabulary for words they shouldn't know. 

Last night, the Nerfs were out. Quite cleverly, the use of a screen-ban was utilized well; either the one on the screen ban convinced the one not on a screen ban, to play with them somewhow, or the one not on a screen ban manipulated the one on the screen ban, because "what else were they going to do?" 

Annoyingly for me, this happened already past the girls' bedtime and moving to the next kids' bedtime. The earlier I get at least three into bed, the more chance I have, to chill a bit, reset for tomorrow. I suggested it was a bit too late as the girls were meant to be heading to bed, and the boys played me beautifully;

"But mum, we're having family fun. You love family fun. Plus we are including the girls, they are the ball girls. C'mon, you know you want to lean in mum." 

Mmm...they make a good point. Well, they can rest assured that they played me, and I can confidently say that I wasn't played, and that I made my own choice. (One of us is right I'm sure). The girls were very happy to be included in the crazy late night hype, even though they just ended up running around after their big brothers, being bossed around, without actually being part of the battle, 

So this morning's find was a nice reminder. I'm glad I did lean in, and I wasn't stressy mum, or too-tired mum, even though there was of course, far too much excitement in the house, to then actually go off to sleep, which I knew there would be. It was definitely worth grabbing the moment, an opportunity for sibling goodness can be a rare find.

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers". Galatians 6v10

Happy Mother's Day

Today, (in England) is Mothering Sunday. At church, we thanked God for babies; some babies which were born during the Pandemic, so technically toddlers, which always adds a layer of family fun to a service. And we thanked mothers for all they do, as well as those who nuture us without being mums. There was a funny and cute video from kids and adults about their mums, and all the ladies got a bar of chocolate. I was hoping it was a bar per child, but it was just the one bar each. 

The video struck a chord. Us mums are emotional creatures, and a cute video can bring out all the feels, especially if it also happens to be the day when the clocks go forward, so you lose an hour's sleep. (That does seem a little unfair by the way).

It's always interesting, (and amusing at times) to hear what kids say about their mums. I think it's important for mums to stop and actually listen to what is being said about them, or mums in general. I came downstairs this morning to find a card on the kitchen side, with seven little messages (six kids and a dog) which were very sweet, but one in particular stood out, 'Thanks for being in my corner since day one'. Ah what a joy to read that one. I've also had, 'Thanks for trying' and 'thanks for being a big mum' written in cards before, so you win some, you lose some.

(I'm aware of the privillege of even getting such a card on Mother's Day, knowing that my single mum friend had no such thing today). 

Mums can have a slight tendancy to feel a little unappreciated, even if they are greatly appreciated. Mums can have a slight tendancy to focus on what they haven't done, rather than what they have, or maybe even compare themselves with a different mum, or themselves as a mum a season or two ago. I personally have felt discouraged because I remember being a really fun mum of four small boys, I was physically exhausted but I would say I had a lot of intentional fun; picking them up from school with already prepared water balloons to attack them with, for example. And I sometimes can look back a little nostalgic at that time. But I was 10years younger, I only had 4, I didn't have teenagers, or a job, and there hadn't been a global pandemic; seasons do change... I think if there is something that was once enjoyed, then I can aim to intentionally bring that back, and if I'm inspired by another mum, then that has a different feel to it than comparison. 

These little niggles can cause disappointment or bitterness, which can come out in a variety of ways. So it's good to keep check on them, or lovingly point them out to a mum friend if you notice any, asking them to do the same for you. Usually these kind of niggles can change with a cheesy but very true, 'Attitude of Grattitude'. What can I be thankful for today?

The people from the video answered why they loved their mums;

....she is a good example, she cares, she gives us time to talk, she makes me spaghetti and meatballs, she loves other people, she serves, she makes cakes, she tidies my room, she works hard at all she does, she's good at what she does, she makes money, she encourages, she turns negatives into positives, she helps me navigate my dreams, and my personal favourite... she's always there, giving her whole life to look after me. 

We might not be nailing every area of every part of mothering. (Side note, only God the Father, is the perfect parent). And we've probably got areas of improvement, even areas to repent of. But we may well be doing ok in some areas too, maybe even soaring at times. We may be inspiring other mums, you never know. Or maybe we are communicating love to our kids, maybe we are modelling something of the Father's Heart to them, and that is worth celebrating. 

What good mumming have you done this week that we should be celebrating?

"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song."       Psalm 95v1-2

Another Fine Mess

Last night we put the Christmas tree up. Whoop whoop! Usually the husband makes us wait 'til December, but I rounded November up, and got the go ahead. (It could posssibly be because the husband was feeling joyful with a lone trip to Ikea that day). The grand tree-decorating day, had to be a Monday evening, because Mondays are Family nights. (We have teens with independant lives who come and go, but Monday evenings and Sunday lunch times, we all eat together). And the following Monday would be the 6th December....that just wouldn't be right. 

"Technically", the tree should go up the first Sunday of Advent, so we were actually a day late! It's one of my favourite days of the year; the house gets all cosy and twinkly, and memories are forced to be made. We get in the nice snacks, the wine starts mulling, the Christmas playlist starts its first play of many, and mum hypes the kids up as soon as they walk in. Everyone knows to expect it... I personally, have had to lower my expectations over the years, which has really helped me not to be stressy mum, and just to enjoy it instead.

Because it's not like the movies. It's not perfect. It's far from harmonious. But it is special. Someone likened it today, to the beginning chaotic scene from the film, Home Alone. Very true. But I love it. I forget what tack we have stored away for a year, and it all comes out in the same taped up boxes. The husband by nature, would choose an elegant, classy looking tree with a colour scheme. But he chose me as a wife and he chooses to loves me, by accepting that our tree looks like Christmas threw up on it. My friend describes it as the 'tree of anxiety'. It really brings out the best in her!

This year, the four hyped up boys seemed to be extremely jokey and physical, and not at all helpful with the branch ordering. The husband was trying to make Christmas Tack look stylish. I was videoing it all for video nights, memories and Insta Reels, and the girls were flitting between dancing and slight emotional outbursts, and possibly drinking too much fizzy. One kid got sent to the bathroom for a strong word, three got asked not to burn each other repeatedly. (Not physical burning; we would hopefully stop that.... No, I mean burning as in joking at one another/taking each other down. I believe I still do it when I am around my brother. There is a fine line between a harmless joke and a hurtful comment and as a family we do not always know where that line is). 

At one point I watched the oldest who should potentially know better, hang a broken Bauble on the tree. When I asked him about it, he suggested it symbolised our broken family. Burn! (I believe it is still on the tree). Anyway, teens and little people can be a wonderful culmination of family life, as can boys and girls, but also these differences can cause all sorts of chaos.

As I was trying to comfort one of my smaller people, she explained how she had wanted the evening to be all lovely and special, but her brothers had messed it up. I had to teach her that family life is a bit messy, especially when the family is big, and it might help her to expect mess rather than expect perfection. I reminded her that the first ever Christmas was really messy; there was no room even for the Christmas to take place. There was only a messy stable, with a messy manger, with messy guests, and even a messy murder threat. But that's why Jesus had arrived as a baby, to connect with all our mess and rescue us from it. She either heard me or decided in her head, to have less kids if she had the opportunity. 

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever shall believe in Him will not perish, but have eternal life". John 3v16

Lights, Camera, Action!

A couple of weeks ago me and the husband ventured out to Gail's Bakery, because I quite fancied their baked cheesy eggs. We had both just come out of having the ol' Corona, so we had been inside for a little while, trying to isolate from the kids. The girl ones were literally crying because we wouldn't kiss & hug them lots, and the boy ones made us stay very much away from them, because they had plans! 

So post Corona, and still in the middle of post viral fatigue (which by the way, I liken to the tiredness of being 8months pregnant) we headed off for a breakfast which I wouldn't be able to smell or taste. After a general blub over my eggy breakfast, an emotional outpouring about everything & anything, I asked the husband for some advice. 

That might not sound so strange, but I asked for specific advice; I asked him to advise me as if he was my line manager and not my husband. This had all the potential to be ever so confusing for him, as I have previously asked him to just listen to me, not advise me, and especially not advise me as if he is my line manager. (**Thus confirming what the Bible says in Ephensians 5 about marriage being "a profound mystery").

I assume it's normal for a mum to cry, when that mum suddenly stops juggling it all, thinking about it all, holding it all, especially if there's bits she thinks she's not juggling well. Or on this occassion, when the husband asks her to tell her what she's thinking. (It's normal for this mum anyway).

What I'm thinking... Gosh! How long has he got? The big stuff, the little stuff, the silly stuff, the scary stuff, the middle stuff...

I recently heard in a preach, the phrase 'inbetweeness'. It has stayed with me, that phrase. I think a lot of mumming feels like inbetweeness; the bits inbetween all of life which seem all consuming, a bit dull and just get in the way a bit. It's important to remember that God is with me the inbetween bits. He cares about these bits. He still wants me to honour Him in the inbetween bits....

In answer to what I am thinking...."Oh nothing much," followed by everything I am thinking, some of which I didn't even know I was thinking, some of which I was purposefully not saying, each and every thought which had been in my head, in a wave of words that came crashing down, often with tangents to the left, right and centre, and to finish, a flourish of shallow bits, bits which aren't worth saying at all, but I may as well throw them out there too.

Sometimes I then feel a little better! Not sure if the husband does. But he did ask. He's twenty years in now, so when he is on good form, he has worked out the perfect response, "I'm so sorry you're carrying all of that". That's it, that's usually all I want.  Then I watch him physically keep his mouth closed so as not not give the advice I haven't asked for. But in this particular moment, I asked not just for advice, but line-manager advice. 

This for the husband, means actions. Lights, Camera, Action! We've highlighted the area, taken a snapsot and now it's time to Act. He loves an action, because it means something will actually change. Whereas I'm more of a 'just talk about it' person, (which possibly gets less done). 

His 'line manager advice'; he told me to write, (in one of my many notebooks) a heading on each page. It was up to me what headings I chose to use, but it would be helpful if they related to some of the areas I covered in my deluge of verbalised thoughts. Then I was to write thoughts/feeling if I wanted to, maybe some Biblical truth, but mainly to write one action underneath; something I could aim to do. Just one thing to change or add or act on.

In my last blog I was encouraged by my swimming friend, to just do the next thing, take the next step, look at the next thing in front of me, rather than be overwhelmed by the whole. And yesterday as my son was feeling the pressure of homework engulfing him, I told him that he couldn't shove a whole pizza in his mouth but that I had seen consume a whole pizza slice by slice. 

Hmmm... seems we have a theme. So I will aim to share some of my headings here on this digital notebook, with some thoughts, truths and actions. Maybe you'd like to join me in doing so? You could share your own headings (and actions) with a friend or with me. Or not. Capacities are low. I get that. Mine are the lowest they've been for a while. Maybe I'm ready to make a change or two...

But for now, scripture. Because Truth is always needed!

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might..." Ecclesiastes 9v10

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength". Philippians 4v13

**Marriage being a profound mystery, doesn't mean it's bizarre, confusing and unknown (even when it is). It's actually referring to the wonder of Jesus' love for the church, laying His life down for her and marriage being likened to this.

Just Keep Swimming

How do you get back into blogging, when you haven't blogged for a few months? How do you know where to start? How do you know where to pitch the returning blog post? How do you know if you still have anything to say? How do you stick with the advice given by a friend many years ago - to be honest and real in my blogging, but not 'woe is me', and never 'hey, look at my perfect life'?!

I have always tried to live by his advice for the blog, and right now I am aware I could easily write a 'woe is me' post, go for the sympathy vote; maybe it would help me process some stuff, maybe a mum somewhere will relate, but does it help lift a mum's eyes to the Lord? Does it bring life or encouragement? Does it do what the blog was intended for, all those years ago?!

So I will start by highlighting a mum friend of mine who had a bit of a crazy adventure a few weeks ago; my friend Annie swam the Channel. The actual Channel. She swam from England to France! She's a nurse and is raising money for our local Children's Hospital. I drove to Lidl (and back) on the same day, while she swam to France. Us mums have different wins to celebrate! 

In a brilliant interview, Annie was asked why she decided to swim the Channel. She said she was at a low point in her life; she had had an operation on her knee, marriage was a bit tense, she had had a miscarriage, her youngest was starting school, so she was feeling a bit lost and it just all felt a bit bleak. So she decided to have an adventure. To do something. I must admit when life is feeling a bit bleak for me, I tend to comfort eat and veg out. I have never in all my bleakness decided to swim anywhere. 

Annie spoke about how it's easier to say yes to something than to actually do it, but the training began and her hardest moment was swimming Lake Windermere. She said there was a moment when half way across, she had had enough, she didn't want to swim anymore, she didn't see the point in what she was doing, she was sad and cold. It all felt stupid and ridiculous and just too much; the water was shallow and she knew she could just stand up, call it a day, and give up. Annie was reminded of a beautiful rainbow just before she started the swim; a reminder that God was with her every stroke. He had put swimming in her, as something for her to be free in, to enjoy and to bring Him glory with. Annie's husband and her friend in the boat alongside her, encouraged her just to go to the next tree, the next rock, just to go to the next bit until she crossed the whole lake, bit by bit.

I was so encouraged when I heard this interview, and fairly teary. I guess my Lake Windermere moment, was my mum being in hospital for 10 weeks, my brother being diagnosed with a cancerous lump in his leg, one of my kids going through a hard time, the general weight of pandemic related stuff, the lack of church, and a weariness in it all, especially in my Christian walk. It all felt just too much. It felt shallow, yet deep enough to drown in. I felt sad and cold. Or maybe the present tense is more approriate; I feel sad and cold. 

I was encouraged that perseverance doesn't always look like swimming a whole lake or a whole channel, it sometimes looks like just taking the next stroke, just doing the next bit in front of you. Annie said that she had come to realise that hard doesn't mean stop, it might just mean go slow for a bit. Hard isn't always bad, and cold isn't always bad either.

For me, the next thing in front of me, the not-quite-so-big challenge has just been to daily read scripture on my phone, before I do anything else. Before I read texts, or check emails, or scroll through social media, or look at the diary, or go through my 'To Dos', I read from where I left off yesterday. I highlight a verse that might stick out, sometimes I type a one sentence prayer, but I mainly just read, the next bit and then the next bit. Sometimes it feels a bit cold and shallow, but the rainbows are in there; the reminders of God's faithfulness to me, that He is with me, that He's not fed up with me, that He hears my cries, that His goodness and mercy follow me, that His love abounds, that His Grace is sufficient...

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful,  for he cannot disown himself". 2 Timothy2v13

Inside Out

So the kids went back to school a month ago! But now they're all home again, because it's Half Term. But this time, no one is having to log in to any lessons or claim a laptop. I'm pretty sure the one not taking GCSEs and the one who started ALEVELs during a pandemic, should be doing more than they're currently doing. But they've been allowed to see buddies again, and not just on a walk with one other person. They've been able to be hang out, have fun, be insecure in group settings again. They've been able to be on screens without having to hand anything in, or pretend to be fully engaged, all whilst having a rather large cotton bud twisted up their nose twice a week. 

Life is starting to open up again, slowly, weirdly and coldly and I somehow feel more tired this last month than I have during the whole season of home schooling.

We had our family Christmas, Easter and birthday exchange in a field, around a BBQ complete with a Christmas tree. It was wonderful and emotional and exhausting all rolled into one. We've had roast chicken outside with friends. (Food goes cold very quickly outside it seems). And we've been on more walks than we care to remember. I've had my first Prosecco under a blanket out on a Friday night. (Prosecco stays cold outside it seems). The kids were confused as to why I was leaving the house, to do what, with who, and why wont I be at home, and how long would I be gone? 

Its wonderful having a scroll through people's photos on line. Seeing the cold family meet ups, the two households coming together, six people wrapped up warm, grandparents meeting babies, friends hanging out in their wooly hats, family reunions, picnics, cups of tea outside and finally sharing a glass of something together...it's heart warming, even if it's physically chilly. Outside has become the new inside. But there's a strangeness with it. What to talk about? Remembering how to even do small talk. It's not like we've been anywhere or done anything. Neither do you want to go straight in with what's been hard, which is I'm sure, different for each person. A funny anecdote about online learning or a Zoom call mishap, and then it's a bit quiet again. 

Emotionally it feels a bit intense being around people. It's tiring as well as cold. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely. So so lovely! But just a bit odd too, and the feelings are all over the place. Being invited round to a garden, or for a walk, or to a field, feeling excited or nervous or not ready or anxious, or joyful or insecure or happy or sad, or all of the above... There's moments of reassuring one another, that it's normal to feel this way, whilst trying to believe it for yourself too. 

I was wonderfully encouraged by a friend who prayed for me over voicememo last week. As well as feeling all the feelings, I was explaining that spiritually I was lacking, just dry. He prayed about the season of tent making that I had been doing. In the Bible, Paul was a tent maker by profession, which allowed him to make money to support himself and his community, which therefore enabled him to preach the gospel of Jesus. My friend's spiritual encouragement, was that the home schooling I had been doing was tent making, doing the practical and the necessary, but just as important. He reminded me that whether Paul was preaching the good news, or making tents, God was the same God, and the glory is all His regardless. He is in control. He is sovereign. He remains good no matter what the season.

I truly treasured this encouragement. Life has got quite weird and tiring, so encouragement is needed and it stays, it builds fresh hope. It's a challenge too. I think it's been a funny old season to be a good friend to people, and give out when the reserves feel a bit empty. But when we can we should, and when we can't, we cant. There's grace for that too. God, His goodness, His grace, His peace..is the only constant in all of this.

A friend sent me this verse yesterday, from Ecclesiastes 3.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end". 

I think I read it differently than I had read it before.... currently there's a time for outside chilly hang outs, but there will be a time for inside normailty. There's time even this week, when the kids are off without pressure, but that too will change. It's important to cherish the part we're in, and not just look towards the change to come, or even dwell on the time that was. I'm thankful for God's steadiness and sureness when it's all a bit wobbly and inside out.

#BacktoSchool

So, apparently tomorrow the kids go back to school, not that I'm counting. I barely took note of the 'back to school' date. Mmm, that might not be completly true. I may have already planned a celebratory breakfast; scrambled eggs on sour dough toast, with brown sauce and possibly a little glass of BucksFizz?! Maybe breakfast in bed. Maybe I'll sleep. Maybe I'll just sit in silence. Maybe a bath in the middle of the day. Maybe I will use my own laptop. Whoa! Maybe I'll go for a wee, not just to escape and scroll my phone. Maybe I'll text a friend back. Maybe I'll clean and tidy without feeling like I'm in a gameshow. A gameshow where the other team, a team of six little people (two of which are taller than me) are trying to stop any tidying and cleaning going on, by just continually adding to the mess, whilst of course eating all the food that ever existed, and leaving their wrappers on the floor. 

I'm excited too for the kids. Maybe to clarify, I'm excited for the ones that are excited to go back.  I'm pleased they get to see their friends. I'm pleased they will get a proper qualified teacher who has more patience and less frustration than I have (hopefully). I'm pleased they will get to see more faces, different ones to the only ones they've seen for a while. (I'm grateful that we've had faces to see this whole time). I'm pleased for the break in what has become the new norm for them. I can't believe I am going to say it, but I am looking forward to the school run. Yes I expect it will start to rain only at 8:30am and 3pm again, but I welcome it now. I expect in my eagerness, I will even be on time. I've changed, I know.

I'm also nervous for some of my kids; carrying a bit of their anxiety, their confusion, their concerns. Some of them have found contentment sitting at a screen, getting their work in when they're ready, not having to deal with other kids, or their teacher's expectations, or friendships or lack of. They've enjoyed going for a walk or a bike ride when it's all got a bit much. They've enjoyed the later mornings, and early finishes. I worry that they will suddenly starve if they're not grazing the snack drawer from sun up to sun down. 

I wonder how us mums will feel tomorrow when we're back home. Home alone for some of us. Home with maybe one older teen or a little one, still on our hip. I wonder if we'll cry in all honesty; maybe a release from all we have been carrying, maybe taking a moment to breathe. Maybe some fear, for them, for us, about the virus, about change. Maybe sheer exhaustion. Maybe a concern of how to deal with people again, a new routine, or life opening up again but still so restricted. Some of us may have less capacity than we had before. Some people may need more grace, more Elijah moments of laying down and resting, than we used to need. 

I wonder if the mum guilt will kick in. Did I do okay with the kids in lock down? Could I have done better? With the teaching? With home school? With my patience? With my time? With screen time? With my tone? Did I have any nice moments? Should I have made sour dough? Did my kids achieve anything? Did I appreciate the family time? Will they need therapy from a few months of being with me? Was I fun at all? Did I put them first? Will they be really behind? Did I open the Bible? Will they be ok? Will I? 

Yesterday, on my way to Lou Fellingham's coffee morning, I had a 30 minute drive in peace and quiet. Lush! So with no one interupting some prayer time, I decided to tell God all, (or at least the ones I could remember) the things that were causing some mum guilt. Now with mum guilt, there's the stuff that you've actually done wrong which is good to say sorry for. Sorry to God and sorry to the little people you may have upset, annoyed, angered, misunderstood, accused, lost patience with, got frustrated with... the list can feel endless. 

You know what else is endless... God's grace and forgiveness and mercy and goodness and kindness and strength. He rushes in with His unconditional love, when we say sorry to Him. Hurrah! Or Hallelujah!

Then there's the stuff the kids say or think you've done wrong, which either you haven't, or you have, but with jolly good reasons for doing them. Then there's the comparison with other mums. Nope. Dont go there. Not worth it. Doesn't help anyone.You are you.They are them. Be inspired yes, but don't be 'better than' or 'worse than'. Then there's the enemy of God who just hates you and lies to you, burdens you and tells you you're a failure no matter what you do. He reminds you where you're not cutting it, heaping on the shame. 

During my quiet car journey, taking some time out to say sorry for these things, I was able to process which bit goes where. God knows where I'm not cutting it, that's the whole reason He sent Jesus to be cut in my place. That's where He can bring the boundless love in; the mercy and forgiveness in place of shame. That's where fresh hope for tomorrow comes in. It's really quite beautiful. 

Back to tomorrow...where God's mercies are already waiting for us. Perhaps some mums might just feel sheer glee; a bit of headspace, a bit of physical space, a chance to think, to process, to walk alone, or with that one friend, to go for a run. Maybe a chance to dream, or be creative, or do the thing they haven't been able to do or do their work or send that email, or read a book or a blog maybe, or watch something other than Cbeebies. Or none of the above, of course. Maybe just to sit. Maybe to sleep, wake up, eat cake and sleep some more.

No matter how we feel when tomorrow comes our way, we know that God the Father promised the Holy Spirit to be with us, in our tears of joy or tears of sadness, whether we're relieved or a bit gutted, whether we nailed it or failed it. Our kids need to know that too as they head back to school. He is with them. He is for them. He is with us. He is for us. 

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, 

for he who promised is faithful". Hebrews 10v23