I Wonder....

Yesterday, I opened One Pink Toothbrush, for the first time in quite a while. A friend had asked me to write a post for a website, which I was happy to do. A privilege to be asked. I wrote the piece and sent if off to her. Job done. What I didn't tell her of course, was that when I opened the 'ol Toothbrush page, I saw the lack of activity. I didn't tell her I had only posted 7 blogposts in the last 18months. I didn't tell her that I had had a cry, on opening the laptop. I didn't tell her that I had reached out to a couple of friends, (my writing encouragers), and let them in on all the feels I was now feeling. She was none the wiser. (She may well read this and be more in the loop of course).

The lack was just so apparent. The absence was evidence of quite a difficult season. 

A few weeks ago at church, we sang Matt Redman's song 'Mercy'. I felt to share when my youngest had become a Christian. We were in the sea in Spain. She was holding me tightly, and all we could see was sea. The sea was vast, (warmer than Brighton's sea), but ever so vast. For a 4 year old, it was even more so, with her feet not touching the ground. I spoke to her about the vastness of God's love and forgiveness. I told her that God's mercy was as endless as the sea, for all the naughty things she had done, all the naughty things I had done, all she would ever do, and all I would ever do. With a very simple understanding, we prayed a little prayer together saying sorry to God, and asking Him to forgive us. After church, I felt somewhat emotional for the rest of the afternoon, with the lyrics of Matt's song in my head. 

I hadn't shared in church for a while, again evidence of a lack of some kind. 

The Tuesday after that Sunday, I went off to Alicante, on my own. This is not something I have done before. Well, who knew how refreshing alone can be?! (I do get that for some who experience alone a lot of the time, it can be anything but refreshing). I travelled in silence. No one knew me, needed me or spoke to me. Time wasn't dictated to me by any committments or responsibilities. I ate, drank, slept, walked, sunbathed, swam, read, people-watched, just whenever I felt like it. I took a boat ride, as you do. There wasn't a pack of Cheddars in sight, no laundry to fold, no turns on the Playstation, no school runs to do, no homework to nag about, no bulk cooking. Just me, myself and I. 

The locals had jackets and socks on, but I'm from England and so the comparison is unquestionable; Spain = Warmth. Therefore, of course I went into the sea. I sat on the beach, listened again to Matt's Mercy song, let the lyrics wash over me, and then headed into the quite cold, and empty sea. 

"...mercy, mercy, as endless as the sea. I'll sing your Hallelujah, for all eternity. May I never lose the wonder, Oh the wonder of your mercy, May I sing your Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Amen.."

The sea was vast, ever so vast. And in that moment, God said to me; "You've lost the wonder, the wonder of my mercy". 

The coldness of the sea, and the realisation that I had indeed lost the wonder of God's mercy, and stopped singing my Hallelujahs to Him, took my breath away. I cried, as I looked around at the water; a physical, visual, spiritual reminder of the vastness of God's love and forgiveness. God's mercy in that moment was as endless as the sea, and I was once again in wonder of the beauty of it.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you apss through thr rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One, your Saviour". Isaiah 43v2-3

Seems the right blog post to share, to fill the gap, on my return.

Raise my Gaze

My last blog post (before dear Lilibet passed away) was the 1st day of the Summer holidays. I had been encouraged by a friend to Be Still...to rest in God, to enjoy His presence, to enjoy being His daughter.

And what better way to do that, than in an English heatwave?! We had some family birthdays over the summer, we had Newday (a Christian Youth festival). We had a day out in London. Me and the girls had a couple of Girl Days! We had a crab collecting day at the beach. We made a bug hotel. We played with cousins. We walked the dog. We holidayed in Cornwall. We did a lot of driving to get there and back. We had many beach days. We did body boarding, surfing, piercing, table tennis, and walking. 

Sounds a bit busy, for a blog which started with Being Still. It's a mindset though sometimes, isn't it?! A state of being. A conscious decision to Be Still, to be in God's presence regardless of what is going on around me. I personally, look around 'me' far too much, at my circumstances which can influence my mood, my feelings, my reactions. For us, we have six little (and not so little), people around us for the Summer six weeks, and we both still had work to do. But me and the husband tried to take some much needed time to try and just be, to rest and to Be Still. 

One of the ways we did this, (as well as coffee, & red wine), was to read together in the mornings. (Without the red wine). Now one of us is an avid reader, with paper backs and Kindle reads, and an ordered bookshelf of colour co-ordinated classics, and one of us will maybe get through a trashy romance once a holiday. So it's fair to say that one of us needed a little getting used to the early morning reads, so a mug of hot bribery was promised...

Needless to say, a habit has started to form. I have woken up to my morning cuppa, while the husband has read to me. We firstly went through "Jesus, Lover of my Soul", which looks at the Song of Songs in the Bible, and how our human desire for relational connection and intimacy is a mere weak reflection on God's desire to connect with us and be in relationship with us.  

Unfortunately I'm just far too immature to cope with some aspects of the book, which talk in a more intimate way, between a husband and a wife. The husband carried on reading maturely while I giggled in the corner. There was one moment where the book beautifully talks about God putting us on His heart like a seal. And as I made the sound of, and performed the clapping noise of a seal, I realised the husband had actually found this bit of writing quite emotionally inspiring. We all have to start somewhere though...

We have now moved onto "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller which is such an easy, inspiring read even for a non-reader. And fanfare please, I have even read the odd chapter or two outloud to the husband. (I feel like I should have a little reading record like the girls have at school). It has meant getting up 15minutes early, but we start the day with godly truths and follow it with a few minutes of prayer. (A habit which has always been a bit sporadic for us). 

Sometimes resting and being, takes that extra bit of time, effort and planning, which seems to go against the idea of the 'not doing'. But it has been a helpful addition for us. A habit is indeed forming. I have also booked in moments, put the time aside, to write in my new 'Be Still' notebook. I've written a few letters to God. And when it's been hard, not knowing what to write, I have written a grateful list because I know this helps to 'raise my gaze'. 

We are encouraged in the Bible, to seek God's face. This involves looking up, not around me or down, but up to Him. To seek God's face, is to seek His presence. When we look at someone's face, when we look them in the eye, we get to know them. We get to read their character. Looking up at God, who He is and what He has done is always good for the soul, and for the marriage, and for the six little, (and not so little), people around us. The wonderful thing about God's face, is that it is always smiling, because of His love and grace towards us. That is surely worth raising my gaze, just to see and feel and know His Smile on me.

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always". 1 Chronicles 16v11

Your Majesty (1926-2022)

On my 40th birthday, I was given a picture of HM The Queen, and it has been up in my bedroom ever since, not on display in some crazy fanatical way, just hid away on one of my walls. My kids probably wouldn't even know it is there (which may be more of a comment on their observational skills). It is a beautiful picture of her, and I was grateful for it as a gift. 

Yesterday, I received a belated birthday gift, a bottle of wine and and a wine stopper. The wine stopper has The Crown Jewels on it; a nod to my appreciation of Her Majesty.

And yesterday of course, she passed away. The whole nation and beyond, are feeling it. I was watching the news update, as the expected announcement came in. A picture of her was shown and 'God save the Queen' played to end the announcement. I shed a tear or two, as I think many others did. (Not everyone of course, for different reasons...)

But for me, I've watched her from childhood. I've written to her about my kittens and told her my cat had died, which her Lady in Waiting conveyed Her Majesty's apparent care about. I've travelled up to London, for various Royal occassions, including her recent Jubilee celebrations. I even had the great privilege of meeting her, when she visited our local nursery. She asked my pregnant self, if my two young boys were a handful. I told her they weren't. Actually, I said, "Nah, they're lovely". (Much to my mum's horror at how I addressed her). In my defence, I wasn't meant to talk to her, but I was in the wrong place at the right time and she spoke to me first...

A couple of friends messaged me last night about her passing, which I thought was kind. A bit silly if you think about it. I didn't know her. She didn't know me. I doubt she has a picture of me on her wall. I don't think she has a mug with my face on it. But kindness still, from friends who knew I admired her. Admiration from her colour matching hat to handbag to coat, through to her character, her stoicism and her faith. I appreciated a reporter saying that whatever our thoughts on the matter, on the Royals, there are grown children and grandchildren today, mourning the loss of their mum, their granny. We can all relate to that loss I'm sure. 

I enjoyed a text chat with my friend, where we talked about Her Majesty meeting the King of kings last night. 

Not only with her formal role, as 'Defender of the Faith', but The Queen also shared a personal walk with Jesus. In her Christmas broadcast of 2000, she stated, "For me the teachings of Christ and my own personal accountability before God, provide a framework in which I try to lead my life". What a legacy. What a way to lead your life. 

My friend text me; "To hear Him say to her, 'Well done good and faithful servant - I'm a bit jealous". And I replied; "And to offer her a crown for all she has done". My friend text back, "And I bet it makes the old Crown Jewels look like party tat". Ha, I thought that was an amazing observation; the expensive, beautiful Crown Jewels, (which I now have represented on a wine topper) would be nothing in comparison to the riches of Heaven. 

The Bible loves a crown! It talks about 'The Imperishable Crown' - running the race for God faithfully, to receieve a Heavenly reward which will not break or perish or decay. 'The Crown of Rejoicing', will also be our reward, when Jesus wipes away every sadness and every tear, and death itself. 'The Crown of Righteousness' given to us, not because of what we deserve but because of what Jesus has done for us. 'The Crown of Glory' - describing God's majesty and splendor. 'The Crown of Life' - given to all believers who put their faith in Jesus. I can't wait to get mine! 

I believe Her Majesty understood about these crowns, as she dutifully wore hers. As she lays aside her Royal crowns, and the odd Tiara, I believe she is given the Crown of Life, for a servant-hearted life well led. In the words of Paddington Bear, "Thank you Ma'am, for everything" or 'Well done Good & Faithful servant'.

"Blessed is the man (or woman) who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will recieve the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him". James 1v12

To Be, or Not To Be

So the Summer holidays have officially started! Day One! Although technically last Friday was Day 1 but that was a bit of a blur, and very hot, and a Friday, and I worked, so I'm calling today Day One. A classic start for our family, is snacks. Snacks mark something exciting, or a way to love my kids in an easy, not much effort, kind of way. We have Saturday snacks on a Saturday morning, to celebrate rest day. We have snacks to mark the end of term or the beginning of a holiday or an exciting trip. And of course, birthday snacks is a win! I'm sure in there somewhere is some not great thinking in regards to food equalling joy, but I also see feasting in the Bible as part of all kinds of celebrations, so I'll take that. 

I seem to have more time to myself in the holidays, with all of them off school. What's that about?! Is it maybe the fact that no alarms are going off, no waking up needing to be done, no lunches to be made before 8am, no school drop offs, no uniform stresses, no after school clubs, no homework, no diary checking? Or maybe I dont feel the need to see people, or run errands if the kids are all at home?! I'm really not sure. But Day One, and I seem to have time to write a blog post already.... I mean, its Day One, so I may well peak too soon. I'm well aware that when they are all off together, they all need time to adjust to being off together. And I know in six weeks time I may be dreaming of sending them off to their educational settings, but for today at least, I will enjoy the moment.

I think part of it is that I'm a nicer person in the holidays lol. I seem to say Yes more easily to them. Maybe I have the time to consider their requests, rather than jump to a No, because of all the things that need doing. Maybe I'm just less grumpy when there is no schedule to keep to, less to do, less to achieve, less to get done...

I had a cry with a friend last week about how I'm not doing well in some areas. I listed things that were hard, and where I was sad, and where I was failing. (I'm sure I cried less about these kinds of self-expectations pre-Covid. That quite annoying virus has really changed some of us it seems). 

My friend picked up a couple of bits for me from Asda, and in the bag was a little wrapped gift. I opened it to find a notebook. ('Another notebook', as the husband would say). On the front it said, 'Get Things Done', which she had crossed out and written 'Be Still' in its place. 

She said she had been struck when I shared with her, how many things I hadn't done. She wrote in the notebook, that the best thing I can DO, is to BE. To be in God's presence, to be in His love, to be in His identity, to be in His forgiveness, His grace, His mercy and His Joy. She encouraged me that to be with God, is indeed my goal, my thing to acheive, my thing to get done, not as an item to tick off a list, but as a relationship to build. My Heavenly Father loves it when I grab a moment with Him, a little snack to keep me going. I was amused that this morning I found the notebook on the table, among so many 'To Dos'...some washing, some recycling, some shopping, some tidying, some cleaning.. It's like God was visully asking me, 'To Be or Not To Be'...It's a question I need to Him to keep asking me, and I need to keep choosing To Be.

"Be Still and Know that I am God....The Lord God Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress". Psalm 46v10-11

Food for Thought

So, in a blog post I wrote last November, called Lights, Camera, Action! the husband had given me some advice. Advice which I had asked for, after not quite knowing what to do with my life. So dramatic... His advice was to write headings in 'one of my many notebooks'. (I believe that is what is known as a side comment) about areas of my life which I feel the need to do something about, or would like to do something about, or have no energy or desire to do anything about... 

He then suggested that under a heading or two, or even all of them, I could write one action, or thought or truth or Bible verse or prayer... to kick off some action. And this is what I have done. I spent quite some time glueing little labels into notebooks, and made two for friends at the same time, who I felt could do with the encouragement. (Totally procrastinating on actually writing anything under any headings of course, but also knowing that one of the headings for me, would be CREATIVITY, so actually I was already being creative. Ha!)

My headings are; God Time, Me Time, Marriage, Kids, House, Creativity, Friends, Writing, Encouragement, Serving, People, Church, Self Care, Job, with three labels left blank, in case I feel inspired at some later date.

My aim is to keep the notebook in my bag, so that if ever I think of something to do with any of the headings, I can make a note of it, which hopefully will result in me praying about it or doing something practical about it. I went for an easy win to start with. I do want to express love individually to my kids more, so as small a gesture as it is, I simply bought them food they would like. 

One of mine always mentions the front of cereal packets; cereal is apparently meant to be accompanied by strawberries and blueberries. (Not sure who actually does that every day). One of mine is always blessed by non-sandwiches, so a wrap with trimmings is a win. A bigger packet of crisps, than all your siblings get, was a triumphant moment for one. For the one with a cold, those 'nice to your nose' tissues, with add-ons to only his packed lunch for a week. For one a hidden pink donut, and for one a simple Turkish Delight that he had tried at a friend's house. (Apparently this one was actually gross and he meant something else). 

I needed it to be a small start, rather than a To Do list to be guilted by. Just spending a couple of minutes thinking what specific food to get them, nudged me to what specific things they need prayer for. I guess you could call it Food for Thought. Often I don't pray enough for my kids, or I lump them together as one entity. But individually, they have specific needs and wants, specific tastes and likes, specific things which they need God's wisdom on, His comfort for, His guidance in, as well as individual gifting which I need to ask God to flourish more in their lives. Maybe they should have a page each in my notebook. It says in the Bible, that God has a vast sum of thoughts about us. Vast; Boundless, Immeasurable, Limitless, Infinite, Colossal, Endless...              I wonder what He would write in His notebook under my name.

"How Precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand...." Psalm 139v17-18

Time to Build

Last month, our church had a Gift Campaign, called Time To Build. I think the last couple of years have not necessarily felt like a time to build anything. Maybe a 'Time to Get By', a 'Time to be forced to Homeschool', a 'Time to not Socially Interact', a 'Time to isolate', a 'Time to put things on hold', a 'Time to complete Netflix'... So I think it's a good phrase to use. It says what we are going to be doing, looking forward as a church. We were raising money for;

*Our Young people to get to Newday a Youth Festival which is a whole load of godly, crazy fun.

*A conference for twenties and thirties.

*A weekend away as a whole church.

*Emmanuel Institute - studying the Bible.

(Also, 20% of everything raised, was for the Newfrontiers Ukraine Response Fund).

I guess we are saying, it is Time to build church again. Time to invest in our young people, the next generations of the church, time to teach the Bible, time to build our church community, the family of God again. I missed my family over this strange couple of years, and held on maybe more fondly, to moments when we were reunited. I have missed my church family too. I have missed building with people, serving and receiving from people. 

I think a 'Time to Build' is also a bit of a personal challenge. Because whatever the last couple of years have looked like for people, there is a definite weariness, slower pace, tiredness, or a general weirdness that we cant quite put our finger on. As much as we may be ready to build again, or at least start trying, it comes with some apprehension in regards to our capacitywillingness, our energy levels, our social confidence etc. .

When we give of our money, it can be an easy opt out...I'll give my money, so I don't have to to do anything to help. I don't think that is often the case though. I think we can give money, because our heart is on board; we want to build, we want to start, we want to be a part of something and giving is a great way to commit to that thought. I think for some of us we need to start thinking, 'In what way, with even my depleted capacity/energy, can I start to build church again?'  (Oh and I think it is much easier to write it, than do it. Last week I hid at the back of a prayer meeting, literally hid. So there's days for both).

Today, we were told that the current total for the giving campaign is at £116.754.79. Whoop whoop! What a great figure, and what a great encouragement that people are wanting to build.

When I told one of my kids the total, they asked if that is what we had given as a family! Wow. That kid has faith!! As a family, we try to teach well when it comes to giving and money in general. So with pocket money, and any earned money, the kids have always been asked to split it. How much are they giving to God/the church? How much are they saving? And how much do they want to just spend freely? Even when our kids have not been walking with God, or overly interested in church, we have still asked them to 'Give', as it's important for society as a whole, that we are not just takers. 

I always love amounts like the one shared earlier, because you know there are people who gave their groceries budget, or their holiday budget. People who gave, and then gave more. People who gave all that they had left. People who had never given before. People who went on faith adventures. People who went without in order to give. I love the 79p at the end. Because I know God knows where that 79p came from. He knows the heart of every giver, and what it cost the person. The Bible says that God loves a cheerful Giver! And as a Father, He knew what it was to give His absolute best, when He gave His son, Jesus. He generously gave His son to us, who loves the church and wants us to build the church with Him, and for His glory. It is indeed a Time to Build. (It actually always has been).

"Whoever sows sparingly, will also reap sparingly. And whoever sows generously, will also reap generously....And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work". 2 Corinthains 9v6-8

Let the Battle Commence

I came down this morning to last night's reminder, of a Nerf battle. When the boys were little, Nerf battles were an every day occassion. One of mine would put a Nerf toy on every birthday list, and I was 'Mum of the Year' if I just bought a packet of the foam bullets for no reason. We have a drawer of them under one of the beds, and every de-clutter of the house that I try to do, I suggest we lose one or two of them, and I am met with strong oppostition from every child in the house. 

We started out saying they were to 'freeze' people, 'stun' them maybe, because I wasn't too comfortable with the play shooting, for all kinds of good reasons. Then we moved on to asking them to use different words in front of the little ones, in order to protect their understanding. What actually happened, is the little ones just ended up with quite a vast vocabulary for words they shouldn't know. 

Last night, the Nerfs were out. Quite cleverly, the use of a screen-ban was utilized well; either the one on the screen ban convinced the one not on a screen ban, to play with them somewhow, or the one not on a screen ban manipulated the one on the screen ban, because "what else were they going to do?" 

Annoyingly for me, this happened already past the girls' bedtime and moving to the next kids' bedtime. The earlier I get at least three into bed, the more chance I have, to chill a bit, reset for tomorrow. I suggested it was a bit too late as the girls were meant to be heading to bed, and the boys played me beautifully;

"But mum, we're having family fun. You love family fun. Plus we are including the girls, they are the ball girls. C'mon, you know you want to lean in mum." 

Mmm...they make a good point. Well, they can rest assured that they played me, and I can confidently say that I wasn't played, and that I made my own choice. (One of us is right I'm sure). The girls were very happy to be included in the crazy late night hype, even though they just ended up running around after their big brothers, being bossed around, without actually being part of the battle, 

So this morning's find was a nice reminder. I'm glad I did lean in, and I wasn't stressy mum, or too-tired mum, even though there was of course, far too much excitement in the house, to then actually go off to sleep, which I knew there would be. It was definitely worth grabbing the moment, an opportunity for sibling goodness can be a rare find.

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers". Galatians 6v10