Big Fat Love

Previous Post; Big Fat NO

As I read the simple bible story of Jonah to my boy, I was struck again by God's mercy and unfathomable love, not only to a stubborn, disobedient character but also to a God-less city of thousands of people.

I explained to my son that God continued to show Jonah His love, by providing a vine to shade him from the sun, even when he was having a tantrum at God. I explained that God also showed His love to the undeserving people of Nineveh, by not destroying their city. It was a great way to lead into telling my son again about the cross. I explained to my boy, that not only has he done wrong things, but that I've done wrong things too. My son again reminded me of when I get cross at him, and I explained that that was exactly what I meant. I reminded him of when he says NO to me, or disobeys me, or does wrong things. I also named a few other people, including people he thought very highly of, and I said that they had all done wrong things too.

I talked to my boy about the fact that when he does wrong things, he needs to be told off and disciplined for it. Jonah's discipline was a little harsher than my boys get. I have never thrown them overboard nor have I caused a big fish to swallow them. (Something they should be a little more grateful for, I think!)

I explained that Jesus had never done anything naughty or wrong, so he never needed to be told off and yet he got really told off by His father, God. My boy asked me why Jesus got told off. And I delighted in telling him, that God loved him so much, He told Jesus off instead of him, and that God loved me so much, He told Jesus off instead of me. And that actually that telling off was really big, it meant Jesus had to die on a cross.

It was a great moment to share with my boy, that every time he says NO, or gets cross, or is selfish, God keeps on loving him. And that every time I get cross, or I am selfish or I say NO (or 'not yet') to God, God keeps on loving me. He just can't stop loving us both, like He couldn't stop from loving Jonah or the people of Nineveh. My boy smiled and I smiled with him, because it is just such a wonderful truth to dwell on, even for just a minute before bedtime.

"keep yourselves in God’s love
as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."
Jude 1v21

Next post; Big Fat Mistake

Big Fat NO!

Tonight's bedtime story for my four year old was that of Jonah. As I read the story, I realised that I was about to tell a story about disobedience, to a child who sometimes tries the whole concept of disobedience, so I thought this would either be a great teaching opportunity or a whole lot of fun!

I made the point clearly, that Jonah said a big fat NO to God and then he ran away from God. We read that after Jonah had said NO, God sent a fierce storm and then a fish to swallow him up. My son reminded me that when he says NO, I sometimes get cross, and then he proceeded to show me the cross face that I do. Putting that to one side, I started to explain to him that God knew what was best for Jonah, in the same way that God knows what is best for him, and that saying YES to mummy and daddy is part of that.

We looked at what happened to Jonah when he had said NO to God, and my boy asked me why Jonah had said NO. I explained that Jonah thought his way was better, and he wanted to do his own thing, in the same way that when my son says NO to me, he is saying that he knows better and he wants to do his own thing.

We then read how, in the belly of a big fish, Jonah said sorry to God and then said a big fat YES to Him. Jonah finally obeyed what God had asked him to do. I explained to my boy, that asking him to say YES to us, was us training him to say YES to God. I told him that as he got older, God was going to ask him to follow Him. God was going to ask my boy to go places, to give money to the church, to marry someone who loved Jesus, and that we want him to say YES to God when He asks him to do these and many other things.

I think it helped me realise again why I spend hours and hours a day training these little people I've been entrusted with. Any older person will tell you that these young years fly by so fast, and it's true. My boys are only going to be little children for a little while, especially in comparison with their adult years, and more importantly, eternity. So with God's help and grace I need to make the most of these training years, to ensure they get the knowledge, security and tools they need to go into their adult years. God has great plans and purposes for them. He wants to use them. He wants to use their strengths and their weaknesses. He wants them to say YES to Him, to follow Him and to serve Him.
Why? Because He wants good, well-behaved children? Big Fat NO, because He wants obedient radical sons trained up and passionate for His kingdom and His glory.

Bring on tomorrow's training!

"In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands.

And his commands are not burdensome, 

for everyone born of God overcomes the world."

1 John 5v3-4

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

 ‘Honour your father and mother’– which is the first commandment with a promise – ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

Ephesians 6v1-3

Next Post; Big Fat Love

Smiley Faces & Sad Faces

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

Romans 12v15

This verse seems to sum up some aspects of motherhood. Laying in my bed last night, on top of 'vomit protective' towels with my poorly sad two year old, made me really feel for him. But doing the 'wee wee' dance with him, when he gets one in the potty is something to rejoice over.

Celebrating my son's high tree climb in gale force winds is something to 'whoop-whoop' over, and even video but comfort is required and a sadness is felt when he falls over at school and cracks his head open.

Smiley faces all round when my four year old comes home with a certificate, but sad faces arrive when I realise that I should have emptied the book bag sooner as the certificate is a few days old and now he's crying that I celebrated on the wrong day.

A high-five for my eldest who gets invited out to a friend's party, but an understanding hug for when one of his friends shows a lack of care towards him.

There are times when I rejoice with the boys and times I rejoice for them, when they don't know about it. Likewise, there are times when I mourn with them, and times I mourn for them. I can only guess that this will continue as they grow up. Sometimes I'm much better at the 'whoop-whoop, smiley, dancing, high-five' moments. They're definitely the more fun moments to experience together. The understanding, 'I'm sorry for you' moments, can be harder moments to go through, especially if I'm busy or if they're over reacting, or they're tired. If they're feeling sorry for themselves or sin is involved, then it is tougher to stop and hear them out. 

I know how important it is to enjoy their smiley face moments, and teach them that all good moments are a gift from God. But I know it is just as important to try and understand where they are coming from during their sad face times; to listen and mourn with them and teach them through their mourning. I seem to recall the occasional moment (and the rest) where I've over-reacted, or been emotional due to tiredness or felt sorry for myself, even when sin is involved. And in those moments I know that my Heavenly Father is totally available for me. He loves when I share my joyful moments with Him and equally He is willing to listen to my cry or rant, regardless of where my heart is at. I want to show my boys a glimpse of God's care for them by rejoicing with them and mourning with them. Again, His unconditional love and fathering of me inspires me to be a better mum, through the laughter and the tears.

Following In Father's Footsteps

Recently we had a family holiday which was everything it needed to be; sun, sea, rock climbing, cave exploring, ice creams, extra adults to buy those ice creams and a giant dead crab. It was relaxing and tan-enhancing for me, whilst being exciting, sandy, wet and adventurous for four little boys (and one big one).

There were two moments on holiday, where I caught glimpses of my little boys growing into little men. One moment involved my eldest boy. Me, him and the husband had gone rock climbing to look at some caves. The husband had jumped across some water and assured me that when I jumped I wouldn't fall over, even though it was extremely slippery and I was wearing flip flops. As I picked my self up from the inevitable fall, my emotions got the better of me. The husband asked my eldest to step away while I told the husband off, cried at him, forgave him and hugged him as I started to put my really sensible flip flops back on.

We carried on with the adventure; the husband's trainers on my feet and the husband sporting a nice pair of green flips flops. My eldest stayed close by, reassuring me, telling me how great I was doing, looking after me, and finding an easier route for me to climb. Part of me wanted to tell him that I was totally fine and that he should stop fussing, but I knew he was doing what his dad had taught him. He was being a little man!

The second moment involved my four year-old. We had gone for a walk in a forest, and the route back involved walking down quite a steep hill. The descent needed tiny little steps to stay upright. I had the buggy to keep me balanced and the husband and his brother were making headway with the boys. At this point, my son looked back up the hill to see my sister in law teetering down the hill on her own. He walked back up the hill., and after telling her that he was going to marry someone even prettier than her, he handed her a big stick. He had been using the branch to keep his balance as he scrambled down the hill. He told her that she needed it more than he did. He also said that because she was a lady, it was his job to help her. My little boy was being a little man.

I was just so proud of my little men. They were following in their father's footsteps; learning to care for the ladies in their lives and preparing to be considerate husbands.

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives,
and treat them with respect as the weaker partner
and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life,
so that nothing will hinder your prayers."   1 Peter 3v7

When The Darkness Closes In

Miscarriage; My friend Hayley shares her story...
We started trying for a family after three years of marriage. I was disappointed every month that I didn’t fall pregnant. After five months of trying, I fell pregnant and I couldn’t have been more excited! I couldn’t believe my time had really come. I was going to be a mum and have a family. I remember the moment I did the test. I was buzzing with excitement and it felt so wonderful! I wanted it so much, I was so happy about the news, but then I started to worry that it could all go wrong, and I could lose this precious baby somehow. I spent a lot of time worrying during the early weeks. I asked close friends to pray with me through my worries, and I spent time praying on my own and I also asked Pete to pray with me often. I still don’t know why I feared miscarriage so much during that first pregnancy. Perhaps it is because I wanted the baby so much, and I honestly could not bear the thought of losing him/her.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant, I started to bleed. I was scanned, only to find that the baby hadn’t developed past 5 weeks. I then miscarried naturally at home. Nothing could have prepared me for the following year. I fell pregnant again about 5 months later. My doctor booked an early scan at 6 weeks due to my fears and worries. Pete and I saw the baby’s heartbeat and I remember walking home with my scan picture in my pocket, amazed that that this baby seemed to be ok. I didn’t worry about miscarriage after seeing the baby alive on the screen. I believed the baby to be safe and developing well, even at that early stage, the heartbeat gave me hope. At 7 weeks I started to bleed again. I miscarried at home, and a scan confirmed that I had lost this baby too.

How did this sad start to family life affect you?
I was completely devastated. I was in shock for a while, totally consumed by grief. I had to just allow it to happen; feeling helpless and unable to do anything to stop my body from failing me in such a massive and life changing way. I was going to be a mum, and all of a sudden that was taken from me.

I remember waking up every morning still crying from the night before. I spent hours and hours crying at home, either on my own, with Pete, with family and with friends. It took me a very long time to stop crying. The pain of losing my babies was unbearable. I remember going into work a week later thinking I would be fine to teach for the day. I got as far as opening my classroom cupboard door and collapsed in tears as I remembered that I was pregnant in that room a week beforehand, and now my baby was gone. Everywhere I went and everything I did reminded me of my loss.

What effect did this have on your marriage?
To be honest with you, it was a massive negative turning point in our marriage. I was so consumed with my grief that I was barely functioning a lot of the time. Giving any attention to Pete or his needs was not even something I thought of. I went through the motions of being a wife. I was just so upset and Pete was angry. Looking back we can both see that we didn’t really share the experience. I shut myself down, and so did Pete.

Were you able to ‘do life’ and see people? No I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to socialise. When we did, I was closed off from our friends, again going through the motions of friendship but often feeling distant and remote. Looking back I can now see how patient our friends were with us. Pete and I are so blessed to have friends that stuck by us during that challenging year. They were so gracious and loving. I barely went to church during that year. I was so fearful of crying at church, and I knew if I brought my pain to God, it would hurt and I would cry. I didn’t want to cry anymore, I didn’t enjoy crying and I wanted to ignore God. I questioned God. I wanted to know why He had let this happen to me. I felt that the one thing I wanted in life, He could have given me but instead I felt He’d chosen to offer it to me, then snatch it away. I just could not understand what good could come from my suffering.

What happened in relation to trying again for a baby? After my two miscarriages I waited for my cycle to begin again, not really knowing what I wanted. My whole world had fallen apart, I had lost not only my babies, but I felt I had lost my future as a mum. I had no hope left at all. After waiting a few weeks my cycle didn’t start, and so I braced myself and did a pregnancy test. It was positive and I remember phoning my mum sobbing, because I felt I couldn’t cope with it. I remember saying “I can’t go through it all again.” I felt I couldn’t get myself through yet another miscarriage. In my heart I assumed this pregnancy would end in the same way as my previous pregnancies, and I wasn’t ready to go through the whole ordeal again. I was still grieving for my second baby. But after 9 very long and worrying months my beautiful baby girl was born!

Looking back, how has this painful experience shaped you and your marriage? Before miscarrying I had never really suffered in any real way. Pete and I stumbled upon massive marriage problems, mostly due to the way we both dealt with our loss, and I learnt that God is a faithful God. I thought I was losing my marriage, even though I had gained a wonderful daughter, so I prayed every day. I trusted God’s faithfulness because I never wanted to return to the solitude and hopelessness that I felt when I suffered the miscarriages and didn’t trust God. I now believed that even if everything beneath me was swept away, God would still hold me up in his loving, secure, faithful arms. And needless to say, He did. And in a strange way, I am glad it all happened. I now know the pain of loss, and I learnt how not to deal with difficult times.

What changed in your marriage?
It was a very gradual process. God allowed us to take the time we needed. He put some couples in our life who would ask us how we were really doing. They allowed us time, were patient with us and prayed with us and for us. If we had done it alone, I’m not sure what would have happened to us. I had got to the place where I desperately didn’t want to lose our marriage and I trusted God. I prayed every day. Pete wasn’t in a place where he could lead us in coming to God, because he simply didn't trust God anymore, but I asked Pete to do a bible study with me once a week and he agreed. He was willing for God to change our marriage, even if he couldn’t take the lead in it. We started to spend time with God as a couple, which we had never really done before, and we started to spend time with God individually. Gradually, we drew closer to Him and to each other again.

What did you learn about God’s character?

I have learnt that God is so faithful and I can trust Him. I realised that God has plans for Pete and I that are different to my own plans. It’s so wonderful to look back and now see God’s goodness in my life, even looking back on my loss and my darkest times. He most definitely carried me through that time. The frustrating thing is that at the time I didn’t know it, and I didn’t trust Him! I have learnt to trust God through even the most painful experiences.

I remember two particular songs teaching me a lot about God’s character… “Blessed be your name” by Matt Redman and ‘Hard Pressed” by Lou Fellingham. I learnt that God will not abandon me, that He has a plan, even when I feel pulled to pieces and my world is caving in. I learnt that I can worship and praise my God even when there is pain in the offering. I am so sure of His goodness now.

Anything you would like to add...

Our journey has been such an amazing blessed one! I cannot contain my love for God when I think of what he has brought us from. We were a young married couple in a desperate situation, and now Pete is leading our family of five as we live for God. We have just finished running an Alpha course together in our home, which in itself shows how far God has brought us. We know that our hope is in God and our future is in His hands. I consider it a privilege and a sign of God’s love for us that he allowed us to go through what we did, and that He was willing to teach us.

What an amazing God that steps down from the heavens and is willing to change us. I am so grateful to Him for allowing us to go on this (at times) painful, yet rich and joyful journey  with Him. It makes me so excited to think where he might take us next and what he might change in us next. I’m so glad we have now put our marriage and our children in the hands of a God who loves us, and I know it’s not through our own doing. It’s all been God’s willingness to teach us, to lead us, and show us grace and unconditional love every step of the way. Thank you Lord!

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.    Hayley's verse - Psalm 63v1-5

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Pete's verse - Romans 8v38-39

A Snail's Pace

Today I spent some precious time with my youngest in our garden. We sat in the sun and collected, watched and talked to snails, much to the dismay of my friend who has three girlie girls. She said her girls would have screamed and run away, in case they got slime on them and died! I love how different our worlds can be.

My son pulled each of the happily sleeping snails off the wall and put them all together in a group on the grass. The snails stayed safely in their shells for quite a while. But then they foolishly peered out to see if the excited boy had gone away. He hadn't. He was ready and waiting. As they slowly started to crawl away, he would pick them up, chat to them and show them to me. I laid on the grass next to him; watching him, chatting to the snails as they were introduced to me and simply enjoyed our slow-paced moment together. Our lovely moment lasted quite a while, until the snails eventually got to go for a wild ride in a yellow tipper truck. Unfortunately one of the snails didn't quite make it to tell his friends all about his high speed adventures, may he rest in pieces...

3 o'clock arrived and the three older brothers returned from school, and quadrupled the amount of testosterone in the house. Whilst I got dinner on the go, kept up with the potty training and divided and conquered when needed, my precious snail moment drifted from my mind. My sweet snail-loving boy changed into being the slightly bugging younger brother, and slightly disobedient and tantrummy youngest son.

I tried hard to think back to our snail moment, and realised that it seemed easier to love my boy in the precious, slow-paced, and uninterrupted moments rather than in the real-life, busy and chaotic moments. And straight away I was thankful that God doesn't deal with me like that. He loves me when I give Him my undivided attention, appreciate His creation and talk freely to Him. He also loves me just as much when I'm bugging others, disobeying Him and tantrumming. I therefore made a choice to love my boy during his not so loveable moments, knowing that God loves me during mine.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

                                                                                                          1 John 4v8&11

You Get What You Deserve

Last night I told my four year old that if he wasn't in bed with his book by the time I came upstairs that I wouldn't read it to him. I got upstairs and he wasn't in bed with his book. I asked him what the consequence was and he explained that he couldn't have a story because he hadn't done what I had asked. I explained that I was going to use what had happened to show him what grace looks like. (We didn't get into the theology of grace also being the discipline side of things during this little chat but we've got all his life to cover that one too).

I explained that grace was getting what we do not deserve. I explained that he didn't deserve to have the story read to him, but that I was going to read it to him anyway because I wanted him to have what he didn't deserve. I explained that we have all been naughty and sinned, and that we deserve a big telling off from God. I explained that instead of God telling us off in the way we deserve, He chose to tell Jesus off instead, who had never done anything wrong. I said that the telling off was for Jesus to die on a cross, and we got to go free. This is grace, I explained to my little one.

I think some things landed and we read his book, Toy Story. We looked at Andy, the really nice boy in the story and we looked at Sid, the not so nice boy who lived next door. My boy said that we should be more like Andy than Sid, and although he is right, I decided to go in for another little teaching moment. I tried to explain that actually in comparison with Jesus' goodness and purity, Andy and Sid were pretty similar. They were both sinners. They both had selfish hearts. They were both like me and my son. Whether the sin is seen as clearly as in Sid's character or whether it's a bit more hidden like Andy's, it's still there. Andy, Sid, me and my boy all need to know of God's loving grace, and His forgiveness. We all need what we don't deserve.

We of course, ended up praying for Toy Story's Andy and we also prayed  for Auntie Nai's dog who happens to be called Grace. We will hit the topics of grace and goodness again because new opportunities arrive all the time in our house, to teach into these two subjects.

If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves, and the truth is not in us. We confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8, 9