When The Darkness Closes In

Miscarriage; My friend Hayley shares her story...
We started trying for a family after three years of marriage. I was disappointed every month that I didn’t fall pregnant. After five months of trying, I fell pregnant and I couldn’t have been more excited! I couldn’t believe my time had really come. I was going to be a mum and have a family. I remember the moment I did the test. I was buzzing with excitement and it felt so wonderful! I wanted it so much, I was so happy about the news, but then I started to worry that it could all go wrong, and I could lose this precious baby somehow. I spent a lot of time worrying during the early weeks. I asked close friends to pray with me through my worries, and I spent time praying on my own and I also asked Pete to pray with me often. I still don’t know why I feared miscarriage so much during that first pregnancy. Perhaps it is because I wanted the baby so much, and I honestly could not bear the thought of losing him/her.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant, I started to bleed. I was scanned, only to find that the baby hadn’t developed past 5 weeks. I then miscarried naturally at home. Nothing could have prepared me for the following year. I fell pregnant again about 5 months later. My doctor booked an early scan at 6 weeks due to my fears and worries. Pete and I saw the baby’s heartbeat and I remember walking home with my scan picture in my pocket, amazed that that this baby seemed to be ok. I didn’t worry about miscarriage after seeing the baby alive on the screen. I believed the baby to be safe and developing well, even at that early stage, the heartbeat gave me hope. At 7 weeks I started to bleed again. I miscarried at home, and a scan confirmed that I had lost this baby too.

How did this sad start to family life affect you?
I was completely devastated. I was in shock for a while, totally consumed by grief. I had to just allow it to happen; feeling helpless and unable to do anything to stop my body from failing me in such a massive and life changing way. I was going to be a mum, and all of a sudden that was taken from me.

I remember waking up every morning still crying from the night before. I spent hours and hours crying at home, either on my own, with Pete, with family and with friends. It took me a very long time to stop crying. The pain of losing my babies was unbearable. I remember going into work a week later thinking I would be fine to teach for the day. I got as far as opening my classroom cupboard door and collapsed in tears as I remembered that I was pregnant in that room a week beforehand, and now my baby was gone. Everywhere I went and everything I did reminded me of my loss.

What effect did this have on your marriage?
To be honest with you, it was a massive negative turning point in our marriage. I was so consumed with my grief that I was barely functioning a lot of the time. Giving any attention to Pete or his needs was not even something I thought of. I went through the motions of being a wife. I was just so upset and Pete was angry. Looking back we can both see that we didn’t really share the experience. I shut myself down, and so did Pete.

Were you able to ‘do life’ and see people? No I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to socialise. When we did, I was closed off from our friends, again going through the motions of friendship but often feeling distant and remote. Looking back I can now see how patient our friends were with us. Pete and I are so blessed to have friends that stuck by us during that challenging year. They were so gracious and loving. I barely went to church during that year. I was so fearful of crying at church, and I knew if I brought my pain to God, it would hurt and I would cry. I didn’t want to cry anymore, I didn’t enjoy crying and I wanted to ignore God. I questioned God. I wanted to know why He had let this happen to me. I felt that the one thing I wanted in life, He could have given me but instead I felt He’d chosen to offer it to me, then snatch it away. I just could not understand what good could come from my suffering.

What happened in relation to trying again for a baby? After my two miscarriages I waited for my cycle to begin again, not really knowing what I wanted. My whole world had fallen apart, I had lost not only my babies, but I felt I had lost my future as a mum. I had no hope left at all. After waiting a few weeks my cycle didn’t start, and so I braced myself and did a pregnancy test. It was positive and I remember phoning my mum sobbing, because I felt I couldn’t cope with it. I remember saying “I can’t go through it all again.” I felt I couldn’t get myself through yet another miscarriage. In my heart I assumed this pregnancy would end in the same way as my previous pregnancies, and I wasn’t ready to go through the whole ordeal again. I was still grieving for my second baby. But after 9 very long and worrying months my beautiful baby girl was born!

Looking back, how has this painful experience shaped you and your marriage? Before miscarrying I had never really suffered in any real way. Pete and I stumbled upon massive marriage problems, mostly due to the way we both dealt with our loss, and I learnt that God is a faithful God. I thought I was losing my marriage, even though I had gained a wonderful daughter, so I prayed every day. I trusted God’s faithfulness because I never wanted to return to the solitude and hopelessness that I felt when I suffered the miscarriages and didn’t trust God. I now believed that even if everything beneath me was swept away, God would still hold me up in his loving, secure, faithful arms. And needless to say, He did. And in a strange way, I am glad it all happened. I now know the pain of loss, and I learnt how not to deal with difficult times.

What changed in your marriage?
It was a very gradual process. God allowed us to take the time we needed. He put some couples in our life who would ask us how we were really doing. They allowed us time, were patient with us and prayed with us and for us. If we had done it alone, I’m not sure what would have happened to us. I had got to the place where I desperately didn’t want to lose our marriage and I trusted God. I prayed every day. Pete wasn’t in a place where he could lead us in coming to God, because he simply didn't trust God anymore, but I asked Pete to do a bible study with me once a week and he agreed. He was willing for God to change our marriage, even if he couldn’t take the lead in it. We started to spend time with God as a couple, which we had never really done before, and we started to spend time with God individually. Gradually, we drew closer to Him and to each other again.

What did you learn about God’s character?

I have learnt that God is so faithful and I can trust Him. I realised that God has plans for Pete and I that are different to my own plans. It’s so wonderful to look back and now see God’s goodness in my life, even looking back on my loss and my darkest times. He most definitely carried me through that time. The frustrating thing is that at the time I didn’t know it, and I didn’t trust Him! I have learnt to trust God through even the most painful experiences.

I remember two particular songs teaching me a lot about God’s character… “Blessed be your name” by Matt Redman and ‘Hard Pressed” by Lou Fellingham. I learnt that God will not abandon me, that He has a plan, even when I feel pulled to pieces and my world is caving in. I learnt that I can worship and praise my God even when there is pain in the offering. I am so sure of His goodness now.

Anything you would like to add...

Our journey has been such an amazing blessed one! I cannot contain my love for God when I think of what he has brought us from. We were a young married couple in a desperate situation, and now Pete is leading our family of five as we live for God. We have just finished running an Alpha course together in our home, which in itself shows how far God has brought us. We know that our hope is in God and our future is in His hands. I consider it a privilege and a sign of God’s love for us that he allowed us to go through what we did, and that He was willing to teach us.

What an amazing God that steps down from the heavens and is willing to change us. I am so grateful to Him for allowing us to go on this (at times) painful, yet rich and joyful journey  with Him. It makes me so excited to think where he might take us next and what he might change in us next. I’m so glad we have now put our marriage and our children in the hands of a God who loves us, and I know it’s not through our own doing. It’s all been God’s willingness to teach us, to lead us, and show us grace and unconditional love every step of the way. Thank you Lord!

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.    Hayley's verse - Psalm 63v1-5

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Pete's verse - Romans 8v38-39