Mothering Alone

This is an interview with a single mum, and is the thirteenth post in the Mothering series.

How did you come to be 'Mothering Alone'?

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. I had just finished my A-Level exams and had applied to a couple of universities to study Art and Psychology, so becoming a mum was the last thing on my mind. I had broken up with my boyfriend a few days before finding out I was expecting so the news came as a shock to him too. He made it very clear from the start that he wasn’t ready to be a father, that he wasn’t prepared to accept any responsibility for this child and strongly suggested a termination. I could see the sense in what he was saying; we were both young, I was planning to go to university, we had our whole lives ahead of us, why throw it all away now? My heart was telling me something else. I chose to keep my baby; it wasn’t his fault I had gotten into this situation and it was time I faced up to the consequences of my actions. 

What were your fears&worries when you found out you were pregnant?

I was still living at home, so I had my mum and brother to consider in all this. They were both supportive but I had also caused them a lot of worry. I knew that I could carry on living with my mum for as long as I needed to but the time to fly the nest would soon come. I think the thing that worried me the most was ‘the unknown’. Nobody knew what the future would hold or what kind of a mother I would be. I got the impression everybody expected me to fail which was something I found hard to ignore. I didn’t know where I was going to live or how I would support myself and a child financially. I had only worked summer jobs so I wasn’t entitled to any maternity pay and the thought of doing all this on my own was really scary. It was hard work trying to find out what benefits I would be entitled to and when I would be eligible. I had to sign on with the job centre (knowing that no-one would give a 3 month pregnant teenager a job) because state maternity pay didn’t start until 11 weeks before my due date. And on top of all this, I didn’t know anything about babies and had never held a baby let alone changed a nappy!

Have you had support and/or judgement as you've mothered alone? 

People that don’t know me or the circumstances of my situation are the most judgemental. I look younger than my years and people are shocked when it comes out in conversation that I have a child, even more so now that Ben is in his teens and taller than me. It is hard listening to what the media says about teen parents and people on benefits, people can be a bit thoughtless sometimes when it comes to sharing their own opinion. To the government I am a statistic and to the average Joe I am a lazy sponger on welfare, using up their hard earned tax payments.  After the initial shock my family has been my biggest support. They have always made themselves available for babysitting, days out, honest advice (sometimes too honest) and they love Ben unconditionally.

What's been the hardest thing about mothering alone? 

Being alone. I have always believed that a child should have a mother and a father. This is how God intended family to be and to remove one of these elements is to upset the balance. I have had to make decisions on my own and I haven’t always made the right decision. When things go wrong there is no-one there with you to help put things right. We are made for companionship and community and being alone creates a hole which is hard to fill. I would long for a husband, for a protector, for a father for my son. Loneliness is a hard thing to live with, and if these deep rooted longings are not kept in check, it can lead to depression, bitterness and self loathing. This is a dark place to be and best avoided wherever possible. It is not easy at the end of the day when the house is quiet and you have the whole evening of your own company ahead of you.  Another difficulty I’ve had to face is pride. We all need to ask for help from time to time but pride can often prevent us from doing this. I think this is something many people can relate to, not just single parents.

How has your walk with God been over the years of being a mum?  

Ben was 4 months old when I made the decision to follow Christ. In some ways I feel that Ben was my saving grace. I had hit rock bottom. I was an empty shell ready to be filled with God's love and compassion. It took along time to understand and accept Gods unconditional love. I had been let down too many times before and part of me expected God to walk away at any moment; I was still in self preservation mode and continued to look for love and acceptance in other places, hard wired to think that everybody leaves sooner or later. This is a tough habit to break and at times it got in the way of my relationship with God. It has taken a decade, but I finally feel free and at peace with the world around me. God has been true to his word; He will never leave me or forsake me. I am a fickle human being and have not always been a willing disciple but God is my rock and He is unmoving. I remember someone once telling me that God was a rock and I should fix my anchor firmly on it so that when the seas are rough or when I begin to drift away I will never go far from the one that will always guide me and teach me and give me comfort and security. 

The verse I have written on my kitchen cupboard is Zephaniah 3:17 “ The Lord your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” I love this verse. It gives me hope and strength to carry on because I know that in everything I do God is with me; my Father in heaven delights in me and he chose to save me even though I will never be good enough.  

What have you learnt from mothering alone?

Parenting has taught me a lot about the father heart of God. His love is unconditional, He guides us and protects us, He corrects out of love in a firm but caring way. I think this is true of any parent not just those that find themselves in this role alone.  What I have come to realise is that I am never alone. It is easy to pull out the ‘pity party’ card and mope around feeling sorry for myself, but in reality this pushes people further away. I have an amazing son who is funny and charming. We enjoy each others company and know when we need to give each other some space. We delight in each others achievements and respect our differences.  

What hopes&fears do you have for the future?

I was dreading having a teenager! I always knew that Ben would one day grow up and start making decisions for himself. He is now choosing his study options for GCSE next year and talking about college and beyond. My hope for him is that he will work hard and make good decisions so that he can be the best he can be in the future. I am hopeful for my future. I started a part time support worker job 12 months ago which has slowly increased in hours. Going to work has been hard after such a long time being my own boss but I am now in a position to save money for the future and set new goals for us as a family. Going on a family holiday abroad has always been just out of our reach. I can now look at the holiday photos people put on Facebook knowing that this time next year we could be booking a trip to New York (top of my list) and planning whether to go to MOMA or the Natural History Museum first.

Can you not be both mum&dad to Ben? 

I have always been acutely aware that I can not be the male role model my son needs. I can do the whole rough and tumble thing, I’ve learnt how to play football and I am a mean opponent on Golden Eye for the Wii, but I am not and never will be a guy and nor should I have to be. My dad and brother have always been a constant influence in Ben’s life. They have made themselves available to him and he trusts and respects them. I am quietly confident that if Ben was in a situation he felt he couldn’t share with me that he would feel able to seek them out and talk through the problem.  We have been really blessed to know some great Christian guys over the years that have come along side us and taken Ben under their wing. A lot of behaviour (good and bad) is taught, and without the ‘tom foolery’ and steady guidance these guys have bought into our lives Ben would have missed out on some valuable learning experiences. I won’t name them (for they are many) but to all of these guys, past and future, I am truly grateful.

What's been the best thing about Mothering?

Ben. He has been and still is a real joy. He has had his fair share of tantrums and traumas but he really is the delight of my heart. I love to look at photos of when he was small and think about the fun we have had. I now have the privilege to see the man he will one day become. He is doing well at school and seems to be choosing his friends wisely. It is reassuring to know that by doing my best I have done enough and he always has God watching over him when I can not.