Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Guest blog post from my favourite person; the husband! 

One of my favourite things about being a parent, is introducing my kids to the beautiful subject of sex and making babies. Both are gifts from God and I've experienced a lot of both. I don't think I had a very good education about sex when I was growing up, and so I resolved early on into my parenting that I didn't want my kids growing up, lacking in knowledge or having fear or shame around the subject. I also wanted to have the privilege of teaching them this, and for them to not hear it from a teacher or a friend first, or to search for information on the Internet.

Emma and I also decided that we wanted to have an open and ongoing dialogue about sex with our kids. Often we start and initiate conversations with them but we also encourage them to ask questions or tell us their thinking about it too. Like the time I was having a shower, and two kids opened the shower curtain to ask me what a vibrator was; not a situation I'd ever imagined having.

Our first foray into speaking to our kids about sex was when my eldest was six. He was reading graffiti at a local park and wanted to know why “Gaz” wanted to do various things to “Tracy”. So I booked our first eye-opening, coming of age, camping trip. Now a family tradition I have done 5 times, (with one of those being a trip to London instead, because the great British weather let us down).

Preparation needed;

- find a campsite close by, where you're allowed to make a fire

- get a tent, sleeping bags and camping paraphernalia

- go to the library and get out a junior generic reproduction book 

Friday after school;

- drive to campsite

- have fun putting the tent up together and getting everything ready

As soon as everything is sorted and in place, I explain to them that we are going to learn some important things over the next 24hrs, and we sit and look at the book together. I ask them if they know where they come from. They know they are from their mum’s tummy, that they start from an egg, and that they came out through labour or c-section. I then explain that we are going to learn some more about it and also about how the baby's life begins. I grab the book I’ve brought with us and try to go through as much information straight away, so they have the rest of the time embedding the learning and giving them ample time to ask lots of questions.

We talk about how babies are made, body parts, using words they already know and the biological words as well as any swear words that they may have heard at school. At the age of 6/7 some of my kids have known some bits and pieces about sex, while some have known absolutely nothing.

Once we have covered the biological stuff, it's time for us to have dinner and build a fire. With each one of them, I have got the wood and started building the fire... but inside the tent. Thankfully each one of them has questioned my wisdom on this. "DAD.... we can't build a fire in the tent, everything will get burnt". I receive this wisdom and we build the fire outside the tent. We enjoy the fire and roast marshmallows.  

My new favourite camping spot has a pub nearby where we go for a drink and some cheesy chips. Here I tell them that sex is an amazing gift from God...a bit like a fire. Fire gives us light and warmth and is good for toasting marshmallows and fun for firework night, but also that fire in the wrong place can be dangerous and burn things down. Fire in the fire pit was fun, fire in the tent would have meant the end of our camping trip. The same with sex; God has given it to us to enjoy, not just for making babies; that in a marriage between a man and a woman it is a lot of fun. This vivid reference to the beauty and danger of fire is ingrained into the discussions we continue to have about sex years and years later.

One of the areas we have to navigate, is when they begin to realise that people we know and love, don't view sex and relationships in the same way as the Bible. They will for example ask about their friends who have two mums or parents who are not married etc.  As with other areas of life, I explain that not everyone loves Jesus and the Bible and so they make different choices. We don't judge and question them. Instead, we love and respect them and pray that we get to tell them about how wonderful Jesus is. 

On the second day of camping, we generally go for a walk, fly a kite, climb trees and go exploring. All the while making sure they have understood what I have said, and giving them space to ask me any questions. I make up word searches and we play the word game hang-man, using all the fun biological words we learnt the night before. At points it feels a bit funny and embarrassing, but I simply acknowledge that it is, and try to normalise it as much as possible. (Something the wife is still working on, when they talk to her about it). 

I underline that we can always talk about this subject and they can always ask questions. Even when it feels embarrassing, in fact especially when it feels embarrassing, because we don't want there to be anything that we can't chat about. Because we have told the truth and been vulnerable with this subject, it has served us well with other subjects that have come up over time. They trust us to give them an honest answer.

We talk about how it's best to talk about these grown-up subjects with grown ups, with us their parents and not with children, because children can often be silly and don't have the correct information. We say that it is not their job to educate their younger siblings, but that it is for mum and dad to do. They are however, allowed to chat to their older siblings about it. In fact one time a gang of already informed brothers were waiting at the window for when the newest enlightened brother returned. They threw an arm around his shoulder and headed upstairs for a chat. We could hear giggles galore from the kitchen. 

All of our kids are different. It's been important for us to know their differences, and let them have their own reactions to the subject, whether they have been grossed out, laughed out loud or even a little upset about it. One of them questioned whether or not we should have told them as it seemed like a subject that they should not know about. (They're quite a private person). 

It does feel quite young to broach the subject with them, but we know that we want them to hear it from us before anyone else.

Let me leave you with a couple of questions and comments that our kids have asked about sex, both on the camping trip and since then...

...you mean shagging?

...I don't want to do that, it's disgusting! I'm not getting married, and I don't even know where to buy a ring from.

...does it feel nice?

... does it hurt?

... does mum know it's happening? Is she awake?

...how long does it take?

... what’s a vibrator?

.... what’s a blow dog?

... why are sperm whales called sperm whales?

 "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds...Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth". Deuteronomy 11v18-21

Snuggly Cuddles / Loss Awareness week

I am currently reading through all my past blog posts, in order to edit them into some kind of book format, which is kind of exciting. It's been a trip down memory lane. I started the blog when I just had the four boys, hence the name, 'One Pink Toothbrush'. (Now there is every shade of pink imaginable in our household, with glitter and unicorns attached). It's been good to remember the crazy, messy, boisterous, energetic stories from the past. 

One story I found, took me by surprise a little, as it's one I never posted. Just wasn't the right time, right place, right anything. But it's Baby Loss Awareness week, and so maybe it will bring someone comfort this week, or at least a place to acknowledge her own loss.
I didn't get to meet the latest baby in this one, but I did go on to have another, and for her, 
I am truly grateful.

I find myself 6 weeks pregnant and I decided at precisely 1:09am that tonight was the night that my other baby, (the 17month old) would not have night time feeds anymore. Good decision Mumma Bear. Solid! You can do this. I do love our night time feeds though... Everyone tells you how little sleep you'll get with a baby, or a subsequent baby, or a subsequent subsequent baby. People do love a doom & gloom moment to share; maybe it's to warn you, to prep you, but nothing quite prepares your mind or body for it anyway. But people should also share those golden moments, in the sleep deprivation haze, those little golden moments, where it's quiet and you get to snuggle them, and it's just you and them.

Every night between 1 and 3am, my baby girl makes that sad little whimper. I stir and mechanically wander downstairs. I wash up a bottle I find on the sofa, (she's 5th kid in, that changes things). I pour milk in the bottle, I microwave it, I drink out of it and I zombie walk back up to her room. I pick her up, and her dummy, and her other dummy, and her Woof Woof and her Bunny and anything else she sleepily points at. Off we all go and sit on the edge of my bed, having a cuddly feed. 

Some days, I try to make my eyes focus enough to read scripture. Most other days, I try to make my eyes focus enough to read status updates. It only takes a few minutes, then it's dummy in, hoist her onto my shoulder, gather her paraphernalia in my arms, carry her back into her room, lay her down in her cot, and she peacefully goes off to sleep, content and happy. And with a smug sense of maternal achievement, I do the same.

But tonight, I realised... well I've known for a while... that she really probably shouldn't still be having a bottle of milk, in the middle of the night, every single night, at her age. I've used the 'teething' excuse, the 'having a cold' excuse, the 'hungry' excuse, and the 'unsettled' excuse for long enough now. When the reality is, I just like our snuggly sleepy cuddles. And that's ok. Afterall, she is my last baby. But I do seem to be 6 weeks pregnant, with this latest last baby.... But it has made me realise that in a few months time, I really only want to be doing night time feeds for one of my babies, not multiple.

So I decided at 1:09am that I would go cold turkey with her. I have offered her water and various dummies. I have cuddled Woof Woof into her. I have covered her up and said 'Goodnight'. She is of course, screaming the house down. That was 27minutes ago. Now she's doing the guilt whimper; the "I thought you loved me" whimper, the "I miss my mummy" whimper. Oh she's good! I'm sitting here holding her water and a bottle of milk, wondering when I will cave in and pick her and woof woof and bunny up and put the whole house back to its peaceful state with our snugly cuddle. 

Do I let her cry it out or do I go and give her the one thing which will make us both feel better? Tears or sleep? Screams or sleep? Awake or sleep? My instinct says, "go for the sleep option, you might never sleep again". But then I know the day will come when either I'm feeding both babies in the middle of the night or just one. I can hear another child stirring, which is one of my other excuses for keeping up the night feeds. No mum wants more than one child awake at any given time during the night. 

Maybe I'll pray, one of those incoherent slurry prayers, where only God knows what I'm saying. I'll ask God for guilt free snugly cuddles or the grace I need to see this through.

An hour and a half in, since we started 'Operation no sleep tonight'. Look at me, holding out! She's going with the cute "mama" guilt ploy. She sounds so cute. I have picked her up and offered her the water again. We repeated the screaming phase, as soon as she realised there was no warm milk on offer. She's so fickle. The husband rolled over and said something which sounded like 'Well Done'. I asked him if I should just give her the milk and he said he didn't know, which has thrown me. That's so unlike him. He's usually the best at this bit, quite focused when it comes to letting them cry it out, but tonight he wants sleep too. He's been doing this for years. Yes we know it wont take long really, once we break their night milk habits...but tonight has already taken years and it's only 3am. I take his 'Well Done' as 'Keep going', and I hold out. She's whimpering now. 
My cute baby girl. Maybe she's teething or she's got a cold or she's hungry....

Morning did come round, as did the dark circles under my eyes. My baby girl loved me just as much the next day, and loved her morning milk even more. It took three nights, that's all. Three nights for her to realise she wasn't starving hungry, and could actually sleep through. Three nights for me to realise that 17 months was quite a long time to be getting up for our snuggly cuddles. I shall enjoy my relatively undisturbed sleep, until the heartburn and wees of Baby number six comes into play.

The little one in this blog post didn't make it. I don't know why. I don't think there's always reasons for these moments, or understanding. I remember the heartache and the physical pain. I remember sharing tears with the husband, and with my mum over the phone. 

I remember the box of 'loss' leaflets, propping open the door in the waiting room. I remember thinking that was insensitive. I remember the scan and not much being said. What was there to say? I remember feeling that she was a girl. I remember being fine. And I remember remembering. I am comforted to know that she went straight to meet her Father in Heaven; bypassed this world and got to be cuddled by the one who loves her more than I ever could. She never had tears, never had to whimper, just went straight to where there is no pain, no battle-ground milk feeds and always peace. I'll meet her one day and enjoy a snuggly cuddle I'm sure. 

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".

Psalm 34v17-18

#success

What does it look like, for a mum to succeed?

Maybe it’s looking like you’re never in need.

What does it look like, for a mum to succeed?

Is it accepting that help is what you do indeed need?

We look to the left, we look to the right,

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, and that mum is right?!

Or I’m the one nailing it, I judge, ‘what is she doing’?

She’s different to me, that shouldn’t be my undoing.

Maybe she’s thinking the same of herself.

Maybe she’s judging my health or my wealth.

Maybe you see a mum at the cafe,

She looks altogether, and her kids seem happy.

Who knows inside, if she’s feeling crappy.

And despairing of the imminent change of that nappy.

She does it that way, and I do it this…

Organised or spontaneously, we got through some kind of list

But we all end the day with our little ones kissed.

Some bits we got right, and some we just missed.

She had time to walk, she didn’t have time to breath

She had to book an appointment, she had to leave

She went for organic, with a spoon made of Bamboo

She sent a kid to school with only one shoe

Motherhood, it comes naturally to her,

Whereas for that mum, it's all just a blur.

She's got loads of kids, and her only one.

She's quite strict, whereas she's creative and fun.

She stays at home, and she works elsewhere,

Both mums here, are equal in care

Their little ones know that mum is trying

Their little ones maybe have seen mum crying

Crying with laughter because the kids are just funny

Crying with mental health struggles or money

Crying because its a lot to hold onto

Crying in relief because a cry was just due

She home schools, while she battles on the phone, 

She talks it out with anyone, whereas she does it alone

She speaks to a school, bangs her head on a wall

While she makes it up and feels like a fool.

They’re both in need of peace and rest

They’re both just trying to do their best

The problem with success is we look to the side,

To see if we’re better or worse, that’s our guide

Yet our eyes should be lifted, our hearts set above,

To see success was already achieved in love.

Christ is seated, He has sat down. It’s done.

A concept not known well of, to the busy mum.

What would it look like to just stop and sit?

Is anything actually finished? Is this really it?

But Christ is seated because what He came here to do,

He has indeed done, for me and for you.

Our life is hidden with Him, so what does it matter?

Why do we get bogged down with the matter?

God's grace is sufficient, His mercy is new

His faithfulness is unchanging, His goodness pursues you!

We need to have each other's backs

Us mums, we need to give where there is lack

An encouraging word, a nod, a smile,

A gift, or wine, even babysit for a while.

We need to look at our load through a new lens,

Reject some lies here and there and then,

Set our minds on Christ. Who are we, in Him?

Which should cause us to glow brightly, not be so dim

Dim with the lights out, cos we’re heavy and tired

Or dim cos we’re taking the glory from where it should be wired

It’s not about us, how well we are doing

It’s all for Him, that’s what we’re pursuing.

The Mother simply has a lot to do,

And questioning her actions isn’t anything new

Questioning our own worth is thrown in there too

Not forgetting to wonder, Help. What do I actually do?

How do I do it? What does he need?

Will she turn out alright; a hopeful plead...

How long does it take you to learn to read?

Have I done enough? Did I succeed?

Yet our biggest mistake is not what they ate

Not what we said, or if they got to school late.

It’s doing all the matter, in our own strength

While holding our maker way out at arm’s length.

Not abiding in Christ, Not abiding in Him

Not reading His word and hearing Him sing

And not stopping to listen to what He has to say

He says, “Fear not, this is the Lord’s day”.

“I am with you, to the ends of the Earth”.

“I never forget sparrows”, I know your worth.

“I am sat at my Father’s right hand”.

I’ve got you, and your beloved all in hand.

"My grace is sufficient, My mercy is new

My faithfulness is unchanging, My

goodness pursues you!

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God". Colossians 3v1-3