Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Guest blog post from my favourite person; the husband! 

One of my favourite things about being a parent, is introducing my kids to the beautiful subject of sex and making babies. Both are gifts from God and I've experienced a lot of both. I don't think I had a very good education about sex when I was growing up, and so I resolved early on into my parenting that I didn't want my kids growing up, lacking in knowledge or having fear or shame around the subject. I also wanted to have the privilege of teaching them this, and for them to not hear it from a teacher or a friend first, or to search for information on the Internet.

Emma and I also decided that we wanted to have an open and ongoing dialogue about sex with our kids. Often we start and initiate conversations with them but we also encourage them to ask questions or tell us their thinking about it too. Like the time I was having a shower, and two kids opened the shower curtain to ask me what a vibrator was; not a situation I'd ever imagined having.

Our first foray into speaking to our kids about sex was when my eldest was six. He was reading graffiti at a local park and wanted to know why “Gaz” wanted to do various things to “Tracy”. So I booked our first eye-opening, coming of age, camping trip. Now a family tradition I have done 5 times, (with one of those being a trip to London instead, because the great British weather let us down).

Preparation needed;

- find a campsite close by, where you're allowed to make a fire

- get a tent, sleeping bags and camping paraphernalia

- go to the library and get out a junior generic reproduction book 

Friday after school;

- drive to campsite

- have fun putting the tent up together and getting everything ready

As soon as everything is sorted and in place, I explain to them that we are going to learn some important things over the next 24hrs, and we sit and look at the book together. I ask them if they know where they come from. They know they are from their mum’s tummy, that they start from an egg, and that they came out through labour or c-section. I then explain that we are going to learn some more about it and also about how the baby's life begins. I grab the book I’ve brought with us and try to go through as much information straight away, so they have the rest of the time embedding the learning and giving them ample time to ask lots of questions.

We talk about how babies are made, body parts, using words they already know and the biological words as well as any swear words that they may have heard at school. At the age of 6/7 some of my kids have known some bits and pieces about sex, while some have known absolutely nothing.

Once we have covered the biological stuff, it's time for us to have dinner and build a fire. With each one of them, I have got the wood and started building the fire... but inside the tent. Thankfully each one of them has questioned my wisdom on this. "DAD.... we can't build a fire in the tent, everything will get burnt". I receive this wisdom and we build the fire outside the tent. We enjoy the fire and roast marshmallows.  

My new favourite camping spot has a pub nearby where we go for a drink and some cheesy chips. Here I tell them that sex is an amazing gift from God...a bit like a fire. Fire gives us light and warmth and is good for toasting marshmallows and fun for firework night, but also that fire in the wrong place can be dangerous and burn things down. Fire in the fire pit was fun, fire in the tent would have meant the end of our camping trip. The same with sex; God has given it to us to enjoy, not just for making babies; that in a marriage between a man and a woman it is a lot of fun. This vivid reference to the beauty and danger of fire is ingrained into the discussions we continue to have about sex years and years later.

One of the areas we have to navigate, is when they begin to realise that people we know and love, don't view sex and relationships in the same way as the Bible. They will for example ask about their friends who have two mums or parents who are not married etc.  As with other areas of life, I explain that not everyone loves Jesus and the Bible and so they make different choices. We don't judge and question them. Instead, we love and respect them and pray that we get to tell them about how wonderful Jesus is. 

On the second day of camping, we generally go for a walk, fly a kite, climb trees and go exploring. All the while making sure they have understood what I have said, and giving them space to ask me any questions. I make up word searches and we play the word game hang-man, using all the fun biological words we learnt the night before. At points it feels a bit funny and embarrassing, but I simply acknowledge that it is, and try to normalise it as much as possible. (Something the wife is still working on, when they talk to her about it). 

I underline that we can always talk about this subject and they can always ask questions. Even when it feels embarrassing, in fact especially when it feels embarrassing, because we don't want there to be anything that we can't chat about. Because we have told the truth and been vulnerable with this subject, it has served us well with other subjects that have come up over time. They trust us to give them an honest answer.

We talk about how it's best to talk about these grown-up subjects with grown ups, with us their parents and not with children, because children can often be silly and don't have the correct information. We say that it is not their job to educate their younger siblings, but that it is for mum and dad to do. They are however, allowed to chat to their older siblings about it. In fact one time a gang of already informed brothers were waiting at the window for when the newest enlightened brother returned. They threw an arm around his shoulder and headed upstairs for a chat. We could hear giggles galore from the kitchen. 

All of our kids are different. It's been important for us to know their differences, and let them have their own reactions to the subject, whether they have been grossed out, laughed out loud or even a little upset about it. One of them questioned whether or not we should have told them as it seemed like a subject that they should not know about. (They're quite a private person). 

It does feel quite young to broach the subject with them, but we know that we want them to hear it from us before anyone else.

Let me leave you with a couple of questions and comments that our kids have asked about sex, both on the camping trip and since then...

...you mean shagging?

...I don't want to do that, it's disgusting! I'm not getting married, and I don't even know where to buy a ring from.

...does it feel nice?

... does it hurt?

... does mum know it's happening? Is she awake?

...how long does it take?

... what’s a vibrator?

.... what’s a blow dog?

... why are sperm whales called sperm whales?

 "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds...Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth". Deuteronomy 11v18-21