Livin' on a Prayer

I recently interviewed my big brother about his battle with cancer. I've cheesily titled it 'Livin' on a Prayer', because it's our go-to Kareoke song and kind of appropriate for this post. 

This is Gary's story.

When did your battle with Cancer start?
December 2020, I was in my workshop. I felt an aching in my leg and my lower back that didn’t go away. I did the typical bloke thing and ignored it, popped Ibuprofen like they were sweets. August 2021, I had a big lump cut out of my leg, on my sister's birthday!

Where is your 'Cancer journey' at now?
Well it’s a mixed bag really. Basically it’s stage 4, classed as incurable and medically they are looking to prolong my life. I have a large sarcoma in my chest which had recently shrunk, but it has recently grown again and it has partially collapsed a lobe in my left lung. I now have tumours in my liver and it’s now back in my leg. I have been receiving Immunotherapy after having Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy. Chemo didn’t really work for me. Unfortunately the immuno  hasn't really been working either it seems. I now have a new issue in my tube leading to my bowel which may also be a lesion, so they are going to try me on a different chemo drug…

How has the cancer restricted your every day life, or changed you? The location of the tumour in the chest has been pushing on my lung and it is surrounding an airway, so breathing can be tricky. The new one in my leg will restrict my mobility. Not being able to work as a Community Pastor has been really tough. I’m not as invincible as I thought I was. That's not a nice thing to learn. And I can be really stroppy and lose my ‘filter’ easily. I may be a pastor, but I’m also human. (Some people close to the interviewee, say the stroppy bit isn't a new thing). 

Have you looked at anything differently since your diagnosis? 
Yeah, life! I want to live it. As Christians we read scriptures and sing songs about getting to Heaven and having no troubles anymore when we get there. But I don’t want to go there yet. My Bible verse is Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain". I just don’t want to gain yet!!! I struggle to sing those songs. Once you realise you may die, you realise what you have and also what you won’t possibly see in the future on this earth. I want to spend more time with the family and my friends and also drive the Mustang more! I want to spend time with my grandson. He’s pure joy and when I’m with him, it all fades away for a moment.

So, you have you looked at the possibility of dying? 

I’ve looked at the possibility of dying yeah, but I do also know that one day, whether it is here on earth or when I get to Heaven I will be healed. In God's timing, and in His will, or as the film Gladiator puts it, 'In this life or the next'. Not being healed does challenge your faith especially when so many people that I know are praying for me. What does that do to their faith if I’m not healed and I die? That's something I think about.

If God doesn't heal you, isn't that a bit harsh?
You could say that but it’s life I’m afraid. Whatever happens you can blame God but ultimately life and death are His decision. Evil and sickness was never His intention for us but he’s given us a way out of that through Jesus. If my death glorifies God in any way shape or form then that’s what matters. I’m not going to skip down the road singing Hallelujah if he doesn’t heal me, I will probably be really stroppy and upset!

Did you find it funny when your sister bought you chocolate fingers while you were having Chemo treatment? It was hilarious…not! The last time she visited me in hospital was when I lost my fingers due to a lawn mower accident, and she bought be chocolate fingers as a gift. Oh, ha ha!!!

Lots of people ask "why me?" Do you think you deserve cancer or it shouldn't be your battle? Why me? Why not me? Why am I any different from anyone else?
I don’t think anyone deserves anything like this. I believe we live in a fallen world that needs healing and that healing started at the cross in Jesus’ death and resurrection. That gives us access to be with Him for eternity. I’m just asking if I can stay here a bit longer.

Are you scared of possibly dying? Have you discussed it with loved ones?
I’m not scared, I just don’t want it to happen yet. Yes we’ve had some chats about it as a family but we have said we won’t properly go there until we need to. 

What's your biggest fear?
Not seeing milestones in my family's lives. I fear not seeing my other sons get married or not seeing my grandson walk or go to school or not meeting future grandkids. When I am faced with the possibility of not seeing that, that’s my fear.

The Bible says 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick'. What do you think this verse means? Being a Spurs fan! Ha. I believe this scripture talks about worry, anxiety, depression and the sadness you feel when you realise your hopes and dreams may not be fulfilled. I’m a ‘cup half full’ guy but cancer keeps wanting to empty it. I try not to let these things get to me but it’s a daily battle, so I need to add things into my life that keep my cup filled up. 

Have you upped your praying or lessened your praying?
Honestly, I’ve prayed less and ranted more! I’ve beseeched, bargained and bawled my eyes out. My prayers these days are less about me and more about my family. Sorry if that sounds un-christian of me, but I believe prayer is an ongoing conversation with God. He knows my thoughts, he sees my hurts and joys and when I turn these to Him in the way we Christians call prayer, it’s heart felt and it's yearning… it's just not all the time.

Do you think having cancer has tested your faith?
Big time, and I challenge anyone who says it wouldn’t test theirs. As I’ve said, I don’t say ‘why me?’ But instead, ‘seriously God?’ 

Are there any Bible verses or worship songs that you have dwelt in? Or any you have avoided? At the beginning of this recent return of cancer I didn’t listen to or read anything. I was sent a lot of scriptures and songs to listen to, by well-meaning people but I was so fed up with God and cancer at the time, that I didn’t want to know.

In fact, the songs that brought be back to unmuting myself from God were Hello Heaven, Hello by Yungblud and Malibu by Mumford and Sons - the lyrics to these songs resonated with my perspective of living with incurable cancer. Sometimes we need to listen to the songs written by people we would class as secular. They don’t sugar coat their feelings and that’s what I’ve needed. I find some worship music a bit…plastic fantastic!

Saying that, I speak Jesus and Gratitude are worship songs I have dwelt in. At the moment I am listening to a Christian artist called Stephen Stanley on loop. It’s not worship
music in the way we see worship music, but the lyrics are how I feel and it resonates. 

This lyric from Malibu,"under his wings you will find refuge" is from Psalm 91v4. A hospital Chaplain prayed it over me one time, and I also received this scripture in the form of a painting from a Christian artist I know. These independent sources confirmed to me that God was speaking to me at that time. 


Why do you think God allows suffering?
Like I said before, we live in a fallen world which needs healing. Suffering isn't God's intention. The world got messed up, not by God but by us rebelling from Him. I do believe that the suffering we go through strengthens us. Romans 5v1-5 talks about this.“And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." ‭‭I’ve lived long enough to face all these things, be strengthed and still have hope. I’m not sure if I could say the same if this had happened to me when I was younger, as I hadn't seen suffering stregthen people. I also believe that we as humans, have been charged by God to help alleviate suffering in this world. 

Are you angry at God? Are you even allowed to be, as a Christian?
Yep, I have been angry at God, and annoyed at him, but I believe he’s ok with that. I don’t stay angry as I find hope in His reminders in scripture and other ways I see Him evidenced in the world around me. He’s a loving parent, we are His kids. Our own kids get annoyed and angry at us sometimes but it usually doesn’t last long. 

You don't get annoyed by your favourite sister though do you?
No, she's nothing but joy and light.

**Some words may have been changed without the interviewees knowledge or consent**.

As a pastor how can you help people have hope when you yourself might be struggling?
Just smile and wave! Seriously, I could become the most miserable person because of this cancer, but that’s not the Jesus I follow. When I read of his short lived life on the earth it was and still is, an example to us all. Christ on the cross had compassion for a thief, both of them had been and were being tortured. I’m not comparing my plight to that, but if Christ showed compassion in His suffering then so will I. He is the one who gives hope. I know the hope I have of eternal glory. My struggle with hope is for healing.

The Royal Marsden has been your place of treatment and care. How has that been, and what's the plan going forward? It has been fantastic, really pleased with the care I have received. Some stuff has worked and some stuff hasn’t but the nurses and doctors have been brilliant. Gold standard for sure. I’ve been told there aren’t many treatments left after this, maybe more chemo, radio on the leg.

Anything you would like to add?
I’m hoping this is an honest reflection of where I’m at. We aren’t superhuman as pastors. We are human, but we can be put on unhelpful pedestals, which we easily fall off. My family are great and their faith is also a strength to me. My church family have been awesome, I can’t thank them enough for their support. I think that when I come face to face with God He might have a few words with me, but in reality I know He will just want me to be in His arms and that’s what I’m hoping for…one day.