I was recently asked to write a post on the pressure of exams, for The National Parenting Initiative. You can read the post below, or check out their website for other resources.
Exam season is upon us. In our house, we have one teen just about to start his A Level exams, and one about to start his GCSE exams.
I remember one of mine getting upset about his SATs. He worried he might not get a job if he failed them. He called himself stupid, compared himself to others and had a good cry. That was just at age 11.
It's hard as parents to navigate these concerns well. You don't want to brush it off as nothing, you don't want to make it a bigger deal than it should be. We know as adults, that we grow personally through times of pressure. But it's hard to watch your child under pressure. It's hard to watch them doubting themselves. I'd quite like to save them from ever experiencing any pain or stress in their life. But I do know this isn’t helpful, in training them up for life.
I remember trying to help that little boy put these tests into perspective. I drew a rather simple diagram and on his eyebrows, I wrote 'Literacy' and 'Maths'. With the rest of the drawn body, we wrote as many of his hobbies, his strengths, his characteristics, his likes, his talents, his joy-givers and his identity in Christ. Sure, the maths and literacy were there somewhere, but they were a small part of him as a whole.
We do need to encourage our children to work hard. This is a Biblical principle. We also need to trust God, that "He will do far more than we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". The Father's plans and purposes for our lives, are not reliant on just us. Teaching our children to trust God with their futures, their jobs, their paths in life, is invaluable. (And continually learning it as adults is also key).
In our house, we have kids that love school/college, kids that don't see the point. Kids that use educational settings as social gatherings, and kids who would rather avoid the pressure of people. One of ours had to really process that he wouldn't be letting us down if he didn't do well in exams. He put pressure on himself that wasn't healthy for him. One of ours puts no pressure on himself whatsoever, giving us examples of people who have soared in their careers with no qualifications, as inspiration for him to not attend school.
Through life, as well as through exam season, children need to know they are loved and accepted. They need to know that we are in their corner. They need to know we believe in them, whilst being realistic and not setting them up to fail. Knowing your children well, is key to encouraging them, along with praying for them. Some of my kids simply feel loved by food. So money on a school canteen card, or a favourite drink in their lunch, communicates that I have thought about them. One of ours asks for a Lego model on completion of exams, not on the results of the exams. We celebrate the effort put in, and the pressure coming to an end, not the final outcome. A couple of ours are cash incentivized, so we budget for this. One got a cash amount dependent on his results, which pushed him personally to achieve more. One has received cash if he can honestly say that he tried every question.
This morning, I tidied the room of the one getting ready to take his GCSE exams. His head is in a better space, if his room is in an ordered space. I have also had to choose my words carefully. As one left the house recently, I said, "Let's really knuckle down today". He came back to me and stated that all he could hear from that phrase was that he hadn’t been knuckling down, and that wasn't a fair comment. Rather than argue what I meant, I just said I was sorry and appreciated him bringing it to me. There have also been occasions, where we've given our kids just a day off from school, a mental health day, a reset day when they have asked specifically, or when we have seen that the pressure is too much. The Bible teaches resting and sabbathing well too. 
They may need more sleep during exam season, (if indeed they can sleep). Like little ones though, they may not realise that more sleep is needed. They may need encouragement to get out of the house and do something fun. Offer to do it with them or give them a lift to it. They may need to be active, or get a change of scenery. They will need downtime, in the midst of it all. They may simply need new pens, or revision cards, or even a revision partner, who has no understanding of what they are studying. They may want lots of help or none at all.
Sometimes as parents, we have to work out how to help them on the sly. They don't tend to want nagging. They do need to know that we are available when and if they need us. (This tends to be between the hours of 11pm and 1am for some reason). They may well take out the pressure they are feeling unfairly or unkindly on you. This is a time to absorb. Let them offload their rubbish, so they're not carrying the rubbish around with them. And make sure we offload to our Heavenly Father so we're not carrying around that rubbish either.
