Mothering Alone

This is an interview with a single mum, and is the thirteenth post in the Mothering series.

How did you come to be 'Mothering Alone'?

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. I had just finished my A-Level exams and had applied to a couple of universities to study Art and Psychology, so becoming a mum was the last thing on my mind. I had broken up with my boyfriend a few days before finding out I was expecting so the news came as a shock to him too. He made it very clear from the start that he wasn’t ready to be a father, that he wasn’t prepared to accept any responsibility for this child and strongly suggested a termination. I could see the sense in what he was saying; we were both young, I was planning to go to university, we had our whole lives ahead of us, why throw it all away now? My heart was telling me something else. I chose to keep my baby; it wasn’t his fault I had gotten into this situation and it was time I faced up to the consequences of my actions. 

What were your fears&worries when you found out you were pregnant?

I was still living at home, so I had my mum and brother to consider in all this. They were both supportive but I had also caused them a lot of worry. I knew that I could carry on living with my mum for as long as I needed to but the time to fly the nest would soon come. I think the thing that worried me the most was ‘the unknown’. Nobody knew what the future would hold or what kind of a mother I would be. I got the impression everybody expected me to fail which was something I found hard to ignore. I didn’t know where I was going to live or how I would support myself and a child financially. I had only worked summer jobs so I wasn’t entitled to any maternity pay and the thought of doing all this on my own was really scary. It was hard work trying to find out what benefits I would be entitled to and when I would be eligible. I had to sign on with the job centre (knowing that no-one would give a 3 month pregnant teenager a job) because state maternity pay didn’t start until 11 weeks before my due date. And on top of all this, I didn’t know anything about babies and had never held a baby let alone changed a nappy!

Have you had support and/or judgement as you've mothered alone? 

People that don’t know me or the circumstances of my situation are the most judgemental. I look younger than my years and people are shocked when it comes out in conversation that I have a child, even more so now that Ben is in his teens and taller than me. It is hard listening to what the media says about teen parents and people on benefits, people can be a bit thoughtless sometimes when it comes to sharing their own opinion. To the government I am a statistic and to the average Joe I am a lazy sponger on welfare, using up their hard earned tax payments.  After the initial shock my family has been my biggest support. They have always made themselves available for babysitting, days out, honest advice (sometimes too honest) and they love Ben unconditionally.

What's been the hardest thing about mothering alone? 

Being alone. I have always believed that a child should have a mother and a father. This is how God intended family to be and to remove one of these elements is to upset the balance. I have had to make decisions on my own and I haven’t always made the right decision. When things go wrong there is no-one there with you to help put things right. We are made for companionship and community and being alone creates a hole which is hard to fill. I would long for a husband, for a protector, for a father for my son. Loneliness is a hard thing to live with, and if these deep rooted longings are not kept in check, it can lead to depression, bitterness and self loathing. This is a dark place to be and best avoided wherever possible. It is not easy at the end of the day when the house is quiet and you have the whole evening of your own company ahead of you.  Another difficulty I’ve had to face is pride. We all need to ask for help from time to time but pride can often prevent us from doing this. I think this is something many people can relate to, not just single parents.

How has your walk with God been over the years of being a mum?  

Ben was 4 months old when I made the decision to follow Christ. In some ways I feel that Ben was my saving grace. I had hit rock bottom. I was an empty shell ready to be filled with God's love and compassion. It took along time to understand and accept Gods unconditional love. I had been let down too many times before and part of me expected God to walk away at any moment; I was still in self preservation mode and continued to look for love and acceptance in other places, hard wired to think that everybody leaves sooner or later. This is a tough habit to break and at times it got in the way of my relationship with God. It has taken a decade, but I finally feel free and at peace with the world around me. God has been true to his word; He will never leave me or forsake me. I am a fickle human being and have not always been a willing disciple but God is my rock and He is unmoving. I remember someone once telling me that God was a rock and I should fix my anchor firmly on it so that when the seas are rough or when I begin to drift away I will never go far from the one that will always guide me and teach me and give me comfort and security. 

The verse I have written on my kitchen cupboard is Zephaniah 3:17 “ The Lord your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” I love this verse. It gives me hope and strength to carry on because I know that in everything I do God is with me; my Father in heaven delights in me and he chose to save me even though I will never be good enough.  

What have you learnt from mothering alone?

Parenting has taught me a lot about the father heart of God. His love is unconditional, He guides us and protects us, He corrects out of love in a firm but caring way. I think this is true of any parent not just those that find themselves in this role alone.  What I have come to realise is that I am never alone. It is easy to pull out the ‘pity party’ card and mope around feeling sorry for myself, but in reality this pushes people further away. I have an amazing son who is funny and charming. We enjoy each others company and know when we need to give each other some space. We delight in each others achievements and respect our differences.  

What hopes&fears do you have for the future?

I was dreading having a teenager! I always knew that Ben would one day grow up and start making decisions for himself. He is now choosing his study options for GCSE next year and talking about college and beyond. My hope for him is that he will work hard and make good decisions so that he can be the best he can be in the future. I am hopeful for my future. I started a part time support worker job 12 months ago which has slowly increased in hours. Going to work has been hard after such a long time being my own boss but I am now in a position to save money for the future and set new goals for us as a family. Going on a family holiday abroad has always been just out of our reach. I can now look at the holiday photos people put on Facebook knowing that this time next year we could be booking a trip to New York (top of my list) and planning whether to go to MOMA or the Natural History Museum first.

Can you not be both mum&dad to Ben? 

I have always been acutely aware that I can not be the male role model my son needs. I can do the whole rough and tumble thing, I’ve learnt how to play football and I am a mean opponent on Golden Eye for the Wii, but I am not and never will be a guy and nor should I have to be. My dad and brother have always been a constant influence in Ben’s life. They have made themselves available to him and he trusts and respects them. I am quietly confident that if Ben was in a situation he felt he couldn’t share with me that he would feel able to seek them out and talk through the problem.  We have been really blessed to know some great Christian guys over the years that have come along side us and taken Ben under their wing. A lot of behaviour (good and bad) is taught, and without the ‘tom foolery’ and steady guidance these guys have bought into our lives Ben would have missed out on some valuable learning experiences. I won’t name them (for they are many) but to all of these guys, past and future, I am truly grateful.

What's been the best thing about Mothering?

Ben. He has been and still is a real joy. He has had his fair share of tantrums and traumas but he really is the delight of my heart. I love to look at photos of when he was small and think about the fun we have had. I now have the privilege to see the man he will one day become. He is doing well at school and seems to be choosing his friends wisely. It is reassuring to know that by doing my best I have done enough and he always has God watching over him when I can not.  

Mothering in Fear

This is my wonderful friend's account of her bumpy start to motherhood, and is the twelfth post in the Mothering series.

Being a Mum is the most wonderfully amazing thing I’ve ever experienced but I’d be lying if I said this feeling hadn’t been coupled with anxiety and terror from the moment of conception. I knew I was pregnant before I did the test; I’m not sure how but I just did. We were incredibly blessed to fall pregnant immediately after we’d decided to start trying and I was aware of other peoples’ struggles. Whilst I was delighted and excited I began to have intense feelings of fear about losing the baby and to some extent this robbed me of the joy I knew I should feel. I also felt guilty about having the best news but expecting the worst.  

I had begun to resent God (especially in the first two weeks after Phoebe’s birth). It sounds totally crazy because on one hand I was praising His name for giving me a gorgeous, healthy daughter and on the other my obsessive fear of her dying resurfaced and I spent a vast amount of time sobbing and fearful. I believed He would take her back to teach me a lesson for all my past sins, which totally side steps His wonderful grace and I resented the mean God I had created in my mind. It meant I was scared to pick her up or put her down. Every time she cried I felt sick with fear and I felt consumed with the fear of bringing her into a world that is so horribly broken. BUT God kept putting the right people in my path and blessing me in so many incredible ways through the support of friends and family. This resentment didn’t last long as friends prayed with me and the truth set me free.

Nothing prepared me for these feelings and the dreaded sleep deprivation but equally nothing prepared me for the amount of love you can feel for a person as soon as they enter your life. I spent hours mesmerised by Phoebe, mentally studying every part of her and falling more in love every day. I had thought I was prepared (the nursery looked great and I had clothes, nappies, etc) but I wasn’t prepared for not being the most important person in my life. It sounds awful but it’s true. It’s a crazy learning curve but a fantastic one. It is actually incredibly releasing to have someone else to occupy your thoughts, especially if you’re prone to fear of man and over analysing yourself. I love that Phoebe comes first and it makes me feel closer to God; I understand more about how He sees me as a daughter because if I love Phoebe an insane amount, I have faith that He loves me even more.

Three weeks in (when the overwhelming feeling of being out of my depth had begun to subside) I got mastitis for a second time. To cut a long story short I’ll list it: Mastitis, allergic reaction to penicillin, ambulance, adrenalin, oxygen, morphine, drip, abscesses and MRSA infection. I was in hospital for 5 days. My parents were amazing and looked after Phoebe and my husband Doug visited as much as possible. The hospital was wonderful and gave me my own room so Phoebe could visit. Friends prayed for me and sent a constant stream of messages and cards. I look back and see a time of incredible Godly provision. "On my bed i remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your right hand upholds me". Psalm 63v6-8 

At the time I truly had moments where I thought I was dying. The pain was excruciating and the infection made my limbs feel like lead so I struggled to even hold Phoebe. I stopped breast-feeding and felt incredibly relieved and utterly guilty. I didn’t feel guilty for Phoebe’s sake but instead like I’d let motherhood down. I still struggle to bottle feed in public and feel the compulsive need to over explain the decision to bottle-feed. The enemy got a good foothold and I felt like I would be particularly judged by Christian friends, which was a total lie. In fact most people were incredibly supportive and sympathetic.The hardest thing about being in hospital was being away from Phoebe, who could only visit. I cried a lot, read trashy mags, spent way too much time on facebook until I finally decided to pray properly (not just the constant request for God to stop the pain) and listen to preaches. God broke into my sadness and loneliness in that time but also broke a big part of my fear surrounding Phoebe. He assured me that Phoebe was in His hands and I felt an assurance of the fact I’d been chosen to be her Mum, entrusted with her care and given the Holy Spirit to help me do this. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God". Philippians 4v6

This time helped me appreciate my own parents in a whole new way and it also helped me realise that however many books you read, to be a good parent you need to pray hard, love unconditionally and trust God. Nothing can prepare anyone to be a parent but it is so essential to be open and talk to existing parents. This has helped me realise how normal all my feelings have been. The enemy loves us to feel isolated but being a parent gives you access to an incredible club where people will go out of their way to support you and are desperate for you to succeed. No-one is waiting for you to slip up; instead everyone knows the highs and lows and is ready to step in and help whether it’s at church, mother and baby groups, family or friends. But even in the moments when it seems so hard and it’s you and a screaming baby, God is very present with the desire for us to be like Him. I have to rely on His provision of energy and patience and also to take His lead and know when to rest. I am so grateful for the incredible gift of a daughter and that will always outweigh the momentary lows, which are quickly forgotten. Being a Mum is awesome! 

Mothering an Empty Nest

This is an interview with one of those rare gems in life, and is the eleventh post in the Mothering series.

How long have you been mothering an empty nest? 

Our three sons are now 22, 24, and 27. They have been 'coming and going' for around five years, as they have travelled, attended university, lived independently and out of necessity come home for a season. Now the nest is 'officially' empty and has been for seven months.

How long were you mothering a fuller nest? 

Twenty eight years.

How did you feel about the nest emptying before it happened?

It's a little like preparing for your first child's birth, with practical arrangements to be made and an anticipation for what's to come. I always accepted you couldn't stop the inevitable; they would grow up, become independent  and leave home. However, it's fair to say that I had mixed emotions. Would my 'mothering' style change and if so, how? Would they stay in contact? How would my identity change? Would Simon and I remain in a good place in our marriage? And I knew I would miss them!   

How do you feel about the empty nest now?

I remember reading every baby book going before our first son was born and I thought afterwards that nothing quite prepares you for the real thing. But without that prior knowledge and encouragement from friends it could have been more difficult. I'm so grateful for my friends who are ahead of me because they showed me it's okay to occasionally feel sad or even cry because you are missing one or all of them. The adjusting continues in a positive and hopefully exciting way.

What's the best bit about an empty nest?

1. Everything is where I left it.

2. There's food in the fridge.

3. No clothes on bedroom floors!

4. Peace and quiet.

5. Lots of 'leftovers'

What's the worst bit about an empty nest?

All of the above except 1 and 3.

How do you 'mother' them out of the nest?

I am still their mother. I still love them to bits and I still hold very precious my role and all that is in my heart for them. But I fully expect and encourage them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves. At the heart of mothering is the relationship you have with your child and I know I don't have to make big changes in how I relate to each of them. They are all very loving towards me and honouring of me. Simon has consistently had that expectation from them, especially in a male dominated home. I'm very thankful for that.

In many ways my role hasn't changed. I still encourage them, I still give them hope when things are difficult, I still point out their 'best bits', I still want to feed them and any of their friends! I still take a big interest in their lives, I still have moments of concern for them and I'm still here if they need me.

And I still pray for them every day. There have been times when I have felt an urgency to pray only to find out that there has been good reason to do so. My all time prayer is that they will have hearts for God, whatever their circumstances. Psalm 100 v 5 continues to encourage me.  "For the Lord is good and his love endures for ever: his faithfulness continues through all generations".  I am thankful that they each have known God's love for them.

What is God teaching you through this season? 

There's nothing like a change of seasons to make you stop and take stock. There have  been times of feeling inadequate; thinking I could have done it differently.  Yet I have to  choose to take myself back to God's overwhelming Grace in my life, His kindness and the many ways He has blessed me and my family. I will never be the perfect mother but I know that God continues to help me.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him". Psalm 37v7

How has having an empty nest affected your marriage?

Life can be busy with work and family life so Simon and I made a choice a few years ago to build up some new interests together. We have a great marriage and we still enjoy each other's company so we make time together a real priority. This doesn't mean we spend all our time together, in fact, friendships are very important and we are enjoying the flexibility we now have to be with people. It's also a time to remember to keep going in all that God is doing in our lives and in the church, and our role in it all. 

What advice would you give mothers with full and hectic nests?

Embrace it. Thank God. Enjoy the season. Stay connected to friends. Don't beat yourself up when it's not going well. Ask for help. Make time to be with your husband to stay connected 

(a secure marriage is so important for your children). Keep learning about being a mother. Talk to God in the day - pray for your children and husband. Look after yourself and make a wee effort with how you look (good spin off in your marriage).  

Anything else....?

One of the great things about being a Christian is that I know God never gives up on me and He always has more for me. Although my life has become less hectic with an empty nest, it has given me space to do some of the things I've always wanted to do; exercising, organising a walking group with friends, being more available for people and families and looking out for how God would want to use me next. I feel very positive about this stage in my life because ultimately God is in control and I know He has more in store.  

Mothering Girls

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine who lives in a world of pink. She has written the tenth post in the Mothering series. At present, I do not fully understand her world and I definitely do not know what a fishtail plait is. One day she can teach me I'm sure.

My name is Rachel and I live in a house with just 1 blue toothbrush but a nice selection of pink ones. I love Emma Dawson - she is one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world.
I think we are very alike in lots of ways - attractive, intelligent, funny, humble ;) But it never ceases to amaze me how totally different our lives are simply because of the gender of our kids! It is astonishing. On tired days, I get out the felt pens and a mountain of printer paper so I can have a break while she heads to the park so her boys can run free, which gives her a break. Now I don't want to be too stereotypical here - yes boys can like dressing up and colouring too, and yes girls can like climbing trees and kicking footballs. 

 I have 3 girls - and I sometimes don't think they could be more different from each other if they tried. One is quiet and sensitive and likes reading and knitting and art. She doesn't like sweets, gets full marks on her spellings and would rather eat worms than be told off (and she is really not a worm eating sort of girl). One is loud and constantly interactive and lives in a world of make believe where there are invisible people and made up words and bendy boundaries. She doesn't understand the point of fruit and veg, she can't sit still when music plays and she has a memory like a goldfish. The other one is funny and strong and all about people. She is spontaneously thoughtful, the most physical and at the grand old age of 2 has spent more time on the naughty step than the other two combined :) But the things they share apart from the pink toothbrushes are the things that make them girls. 

Parenting girls is a lot like parenting boys I would expect. You love them, feed them and cloth them. You teach, discipline and pray for them. Some things are different though - the evenings spent learning to crochet so you can help them to do it, the Saturday morning YouTube research to learn how to do fishtail plaits or top knots, doing the laundry in loads of darks, whites and pinks and the repeated use of the phrase "you have to keep still while your nail varnish dries". There are other mysteries too, like where all the glitter comes from and of course, Barbie and High school musical are on repeat.  But there is one great advantage to mothering girls; us mothers are girls. And even though we may have daughters who are very different from the type of girl we were, there is still a familiarity and empathy as we watch them deal with the business of being female. We understand bad hair days and how school friends can be mean and the overwhelming confusion that is hormones and emotions because we have been there. Having said that I feel spectacularly out of my depth on a daily basis. I am so grateful to know God's help in raising my girls. 

2 Corinthians 13v14 is Paul's prayer for his friends in the city of Corinth;  

"The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God

 and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." 

This is my prayer for my daughters but also for me as I parent them - that we might know the amazing grace of Jesus, the unconditional love of God and the constant friendship and help of the Holy Spirit. Girls (and mums) need grace. Grace is the undeserved favour of God or put simply, God doesn't punish us for all we have done wrong and fail to do right - He puts all that on Jesus so we go free.  This is such great news, we get a clean slate. We get to start over. Our girls need to be accepted and loved when they do well and when they fail, whether they win or loose, whatever their size or shape, with all their strengths and weaknesses.  I so desperately want my girls to know that they are wanted and loved and accepted whatever they have done. We are not perfect and neither are they. We all need to know God's forgiveness and grace. 

 

As girls our identity and self worth is hugely defined by our dads - for good or bad. But whether we had a great father or a terrible father or no father at all, there is a Father in Heaven who made us and loves us totally. Our daughters need to know who He is and how He sees them. They are chosen and accepted, daughters of the King of Kings. Knowing His definition of them is crucial to them riding the storms of peer pressure and the ups and downs of life. 

And then there is the Holy Spirit - when Jesus went back to Heaven He promised to send us "the helper". The Holy Spirit is such a friend in parenting - He can bring wisdom when you are out of your depth, peace and joy in the midst of uncertainty, patience when you are losing it. And what a friend to introduce our daughters to - He understands every fibre of their being, every emotion they feel, every thought, every question - and He has all the wisdom and power and resources of Heaven to bring into their little lives. How any one manages to do life without His help is a mystery to me.  

I am learning so much in this crazy season of life while my children are young. How to depend on God for strength and wisdom when I'm way out of my depth.  When I feel like I might pop just because I love them so much, I get a glimpse of how God loves me. And there's nothing like parenting to crush your selfishness. They teach me about unconditional love and surprise me with kindness. There is so much diversity and creativity in everything they do that makes me worship God because He's so clever. 

My girls and I are only just starting out on this incredible journey but our prayer for you is that you and your daughters (and your husbands and sons too) might know the Grace of our dear Jesus, the massive love of God the father and the fellowship of His awesome Holy Spirit more and more. Amen.  

Mothering Young

This is my friend's testimony, and is the ninth post in the Mothering series.

As I reached the age of 12/13, I decided I would attend my parents' church still but I didn't want to believe simply because my parents did, that was then I drifted away. I spent 3years making bad choices and mixing with friends that weren't healthy. I had been very independent, doing life my own way. At 15, whilst struggling with severe depression, I got into a messy relationship and just after my 16th birthday I discovered I was single and pregnant.

I eventually got my head around the idea of being a single mum just before my 20week scan, which I chose to attend alone in an attempt to prove to myself I was capable of being a good independent mother. I was incredibly excited to hear the news of the sex of my child, but the scan also revealed that my daughter was going to be born with a cleft lip and pallet. Right there and then my world fell apart. 

Heartbroken, after many tear filled nights, I allowed my mum to speak into my life and pray over her unborn grandchild. My mum and I had always had a rocky relationship but during my pregnancy she was amazing, and I could see God's love displayed in her kindness, forgiveness and generosity. 

I realised I really needed God and started to pray over my daughter and accepted Jesus back into my life to take over the mess I'd found myself in.  As I prayed that Alarna would be healed I felt God speak very clearly for the first time, He told me that Alarna wouldn't be healed but that He would be by my side through the process, and from that moment I really did feel His presence with me. I suppose it’s then that I first gave Him my heart fully and trusted him in all things.

Over the next few months I had numerous scans and lots of trips to several different hospitals, still heartbroken that I was alone and unable to enjoy a 'normal' pregnancy. I got lots of dirty looks from people as my belly grew, but I didn't care. And after a long and traumatic labour I finally met Alarna Lily-Grace for the very first time. That feeling was incredible although it really wasn't how I had dreamt it to be. Alarna had an incredibly severe bilateral cleft lip and palate, which meant I was unable to bond with her through breast feeding and instead I had to express and feed via tubes and special bottles for 9months. I felt very disconnected from her. 

Being a young mum did come about as a total shock and through the pregnancy/1st year I was in total denial and I didn't feel I bonded well with Alarna at all. I kept busy. So many people said I wouldn't make it, that I'd hate it and life would be a struggle. They weren't wrong and those words have stayed with me, but I used that as a good thing and fought hard to constantly prove myself. I went back to work and college when she was 5weeks old and expressed breast milk and until 9months. The hardest thing was expressing in the college toilets whilst my girl friends were reapplying there makeup! 

When taking her out in public, I had never expected how tough it would be to hear some of the comments muttered and try to ignore the stares she got. Alarna had weekly hospital appointments in special units and had to endure 4 operations in her first 10months, each time her smile and cry changed dramatically. Having to hold my tiny little girl down as she had to be put under a general anaesthetic was a horrible pain I suffered regularly during her first year, each time being handed back a child that looked so different from the child that I had handed over to be operated on. It was during times like these I felt so lonely not having a partner to share the feelings I had for my daughter. Things were tough.  I'd failed my GCSE's and my future looked bleak.

Within a few months of going along to a friend's church, I met Nathan there and we cautiously started dating. Nathan and Alarna instantly hit it off. I found it hard to force myself to trust Nathan and rely on him for comfort and support, but he was amazing and stepped up to the plate.


Roughly 18months later we got married, moved in to our first house together and Nathan legally adopted Alarna. 

As a couple we had our share of ups and down; dating whilst caring for an under one year old, walking down the aisle with a toddler and being newly weds with a non napping child. Despite this it was great to be a proper family, and our first year we felt God was close, we were blessed and things were good. When we discovered we would be unable to conceive another child naturally, or through IVF, my world began to crumble again and I doubted the last two years of Gods faithfulness. I was devastated, upset, angry even, that things hadn't worked the way I wanted and I turned my back on God again.

Godly couples surrounded us and tried their best to support us in what can only be described as an incredibly painful time. After a year I'd had enough, I wanted our relationship back and I decided it was time to speak to God again.  I poured my heart out to Him; all my pain and anger and once again He comforted me. Often I struggled with getting the words out so I'd write my feelings on paper like a letter to God. He took me back to the time I first called upon Him, pregnant and alone, and reminded me that life doesn’t go the way we plan but that He has far greater plans. I decided that if we were to never have another child, I would be ok with whatever God had in store. I know His plans are far greater, even though I do want to be a mum again.

When I gave birth to Alarna I realised that God had saved me from a life that could have been so much worse had I continued the path I was on. I was His child and He'd comforted, cared for and protected me more than I knew I deserved. Alarna is now in year 1 at school and after a rocky start has settled in well and been discharged from most hospital appointments including speech therapy. Alarna is such a testimony to Gods faithfulness. She has battled through so much in her five years and has blossomed through it all. She still suffers with the odd comment from small children and battles through things on a day to day basis that others don’t have to, but she's happy & confident, doing incredibly well at school and has an incredible acceptance of people from all walks of life! 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29v11

This verse helps, whatever is going on in my life; good or bad, stressed or relaxed, wealthy or skint, God's in it all. He's there and He's my friend. I can confide in Him at all times and He will comfort me. The more time I spend with Him, the deeper our friendship. He not only loves me but he likes me too.

Mothering with Post Natal Depression

This is a friend's story and is the eighth post in the Mothering series.

I'm mum to three fantastic kids; Jack 9, Tess nearly 7 (she'd prefer that to 6) and Neve is 2. When I had Jack it was the most wonderful thing, I fully loved being a mum and it was me and him against the world! When I gave birth to Tess, she was scrumptious and a really easy baby, who at 2 months old found her thumb and would self-soothe. Jack found it a little hard to adapt but no different to any other toddler with a new sister. I, on the other hand, seemed to find it harder and harder. Maybe it was a bad idea to have had another child and I just couldn't mother 2 children at the same time.

I felt so low I would sometimes sit Jack in front of the TV and go and sit on his bed and just cry. I chose his room because I always kept it tidy and it made me feel safe for some reason. Other times I would shout at him and get cross and then I'd cry and apologise. Andy would come home after work and I would confess everything to him in tears again. I also had this mad anxiety that the children were going to be taken. Even if they were about a metre away from me, I would be a little panicky and shout at Andy to make sure they were fine.

When Tess was around four months old we went on a trip to stay with my sister. I'd been panicking about the amount of milk Tess was getting and had attempted to top her up with formula, which had made it even more difficult for me to know how much breast milk she was getting. I was a little obsessed and very teary about it.
My sister, quietly watching this over a few days, asked if I'd spoken to the doctor about the milk situation or anything else. When I said no, she printed off a little questionnaire from the Internet and asked me to fill it out.

 It was a Post Natal Depression questionnaire. This asked questions such as 'Have I been able to laugh and see the funny side of things?' - You had to tick one of the following answers (a) as much as I always could (b) not quite so much now (c) definitely not so much now and (d) not at all.

My score suggested that I could have post natal depression.

When we came home I made an appointment to see the doctor and again he asked me to fill out the same questionnaire. He told me that I had post natal depression. It felt like a weight had been lifted off me - maybe I wasn't a terrible mum after all... maybe it was okay that I had more than one child....these two doubts had been my constant companions.

I was given a prescription for anti-depressants. As a Christian, I didn't know how I should feel about taking them. Shouldn't I be able to pray about this and it go away or was I failing at that too? My personal time with God had hit an all time low through all this. I knew He was real but I couldn't feel Him, I couldn't worship Him and I couldn't really connect with Him.

I spoke to my parents, my sister and obviously Andy and decided to start taking the pills. The doctor described it to me as a chemical imbalance in my body, caused by the baby hormones. The pills would adjust that imbalance and gradually get it back to normal. My body would then start to be able to do it by itself without the help of the medication and then I could come off them. That seemed do-able. I would not be on them forever but they would help for a time. I took a low dose, it levelled me out and made me able to see life in a less extreme way. I still had the full range of emotions but they were more 'normal'.

My health visitor signed me up to a PND group (we called it my 'mad' group) which ran for 13 weeks every Monday morning, for three hours. It was a little cringy to start with - a group of 'mad' women all in a room together, coming to talk about our feelings and our lives. But it did mean someone looked after my children for me for 3 hours each week for free, so I kept going. Some days, I didn't feel like talking, other days I cried. There were other times when you couldn't shut me up. What it did do was made me realise how much I didn't talk about how I felt, particularly to other women - particularly to other Christian women - because they all had it sorted didn't they?! God started to really show me how to open up and how to trust people with my feelings and my emotions. In return, it could really help me build relationships and take my friendships to a deeper level. It sounds obvious I know.

 "Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2v15

Andy was amazing. I think he lost me pretty much for nearly two years. Our physical relationship became almost non-existent, I didn't really laugh much anymore and I was permanently anxious. I completely depended on him and would often phone him at work saying I couldn't cope and that he would have to come home. He said he could tell I was getting better when I was able to laugh at myself again, when things became lighter and I started to relax. 

I started growing vegetables. Being able to prepare the soil, plant seeds, watch them grow and then harvest them was amazing, I was in control of something! It also brought me closer to God. It sounds silly but I felt so close to His creation and that was lovely. I think I mostly listened to worship music at the time, instead of reading the bible because I couldn't concentrate. I would play it loud and just let it wash over me.

"The Lord will guide you continually,
    giving you water when you are dry
    and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like an ever-flowing spring." Isaiah 58v11

Two and a half years ago, I had Neve. I was told the odds were against me and I would probably get post natal depression again, I didn't.

Looking back now, it has taught me a lot. I do have weaknesses that need protecting but I think I now know my limits. I'm quicker to share when I think I'm going down and don't see it as a failure as much. I'm (a bit) better at asking for help. I have more patience and a lot more compassion for something that I had no real understanding of before. God's taught me that the fruits of His spirit are gifts that I can have. I just need to focus on Him more and not the world around me. And then, when I focus on Him, those gifts flow out of me more freely too. I feel he's added another string to my bow, another experience in life I can use to help others with, another scar that just adds character.

Mothering someone else's

This is the story of a lady at church, who is currently fostering a child. It is the seventh post in the Mothering series.

I told myself that if I still had no children at age 40, I’d foster or adopt. I'm now 43. I was thinking and praying about the whole issue when I became aware that one of the new children at the school where I taught was in temporary foster care. I was very fond of her and we got on really well, and the question of whether I should foster suddenly became very real and tangible. I could almost say I fantasised about being her ‘mummy’, whilst wondering if I could really do it, and hardly daring to believe that I could. I was full of doubts and would swing from feeling it was impossible and I was being ridiculous, to feeling overwhelming love for this little girl and desperately wanting to take her home with me. 

In what was an unusually bold step for me, I went to the fostering team and said I was interested in fostering Sarah, only to be told it was impossible. She was going to be placed out of area and she was being ‘advertised nationally’. They had some families interested in her and she needed a place straight away. It would take far too long for me to get ‘approved’ as a full-time foster carer and my flat was not suitable. I had to have a house with a garden. I felt as though I had come up against a brick wall and it was not even a possibility. I thought maybe this was God’s way of saying no, so I prayed about it. I’d like to say I felt sure that it was the right thing, but I just didn’t know at all.

Quite a few of my church friends thought I shouldn't do it.  Maybe they thought I should focus on looking for a husband rather than a child, or perhaps they thought I'd never cope as a single parent, or that it would just be foolish.  Others encouraged me to pursue it.  I found it very confusing with such conflicting views and advice from my close friends who were all people whose advice and wisdom I trusted. That was really hard and it pushed me back onto God. I realised I wasn't going to get answers, reassurance or clarity from other people - it was only me who could actually make the decision, so I had to seek God about it for myself. So eventually, I figured I should keep pushing the doors and God would shut them if it wasn’t right. So that’s what I did.

I kept pushing lots of doors, and gradually they all opened. The ‘other families’ all fell through . I eventually managed to sell my flat and moved to a house with a garden. The final hurdle was the ‘foster panel’ which I managed to get through after an incredibly lengthy and in depth assessment which analysed every aspect of my life and was quite intrusive. I learnt such a lot through that year.

Sarah has now been with me for just over a year. She is with me on a ‘long-term’ placement, which means until she is 18. She has totally changed my life! There have been, and continually are, lots of challenges. Many times I have thought, ‘I can’t do this’. I have never regretted taking her on. I’d wanted to be a mum for ages, and I know that the hard times and sleepless nights are all part of that. I love her and I’m very grateful to God for my girl who I thought I’d never have.

Sarah is very affectionate, which I never really expected from a fostered child, so that’s an added bonus and something which I’m really grateful to God for. We have a very close relationship and I don’t think I could love her anymore if she was my own flesh and blood. She even calls me ‘mumma’, which again I’d never expected. I’d given up hope of anyone ever calling me mum! I love taking her out places and seeing her enjoy herself. I love picking her up from school in the afternoon as she is always so excited to see me. I would say I just ‘enjoy her’ for who she is – she makes me smile such a lot, she is such a character! I’ve probably smiled more in the last year than the last 10years put together. She really is good company.

In regards to ‘mothering someone else’s child’ – well, that’s a strange concept as a lot of the time I almost forget she’s not ‘my child’.  It feels as though she is my child, and I think of her as though she is. It is very strange though to ‘acquire’ a 5 yr old child and to know very little about their background. Every time she gets upset about her birth mum, I am reminded forcefully that she isn’t mine. It breaks my heart sometimes when Sarah cries for her birth mum. I wonder how to respond to my little 6 year old girl with learning difficulties when she tells me she’s got 4 mummies. I wonder if she expects to move on from me to the next mummy soon.  Does she think I will send her away if she’s too naughty? Does she wonder when the next mummy will come along? Or do her learning difficulties spare her from thinking ahead. I rather hope she just lives in the moment.

What have I learnt about myself, you ask. Probably how selfish I was before! I was so used to living on my own and not having to fit my life around anyone else. I also didn’t quite realise how much I need my sleep. I have discovered how hard it is to keep calm and even-tempered with her all the time if I am tired and feeling ratty and she is driving me to distraction. I know that I can’t do this parenting thing on my own, particularly as a single parent – I get to the end of myself rather too quickly. I so need God’s strength and wisdom to help me. I am so grateful that God has shown me so much love and I want to give out His love to Sarah. I know how often I fail. I am learning that I can only do this in his strength, not on my own.

I have learnt that I can step out in faith, and that I have to do this to make things happen. I have always been one to sit on the sidelines, to watch life go by, too scared to make any decisions for fear of making a wrong one. A child wasn’t going to land in my lap unless I took some steps to make it happen. If I’d sat back and waited, I would still be waiting. Left to my own devices, I would probably have waited for God to leave a child on my doorstep. I have learnt that I have to push doors to see if they will open, I have to take the initiative, and to pray that God will shut doors if I’m pushing the wrong ones. Being passive isn’t how God wants me to be. Being scared of life isn’t how God wants me to be.

Although my life is not quite how I had intended – I’m still single and haven’t had a baby of my own – God has shown me that he was not unaware of my heart’s desires. And he has blessed me so much. I am so thankful to Him. A verse which has supported me since having Sarah, is Proverbs 3 v 5 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding'.  So many times I'm trying to fathom out what's best to do and I have to remember I can't do it on my own.  Neither do I need to, as God is here to help.