Following In Father's Footsteps

Recently we had a family holiday which was everything it needed to be; sun, sea, rock climbing, cave exploring, ice creams, extra adults to buy those ice creams and a giant dead crab. It was relaxing and tan-enhancing for me, whilst being exciting, sandy, wet and adventurous for four little boys (and one big one).

There were two moments on holiday, where I caught glimpses of my little boys growing into little men. One moment involved my eldest boy. Me, him and the husband had gone rock climbing to look at some caves. The husband had jumped across some water and assured me that when I jumped I wouldn't fall over, even though it was extremely slippery and I was wearing flip flops. As I picked my self up from the inevitable fall, my emotions got the better of me. The husband asked my eldest to step away while I told the husband off, cried at him, forgave him and hugged him as I started to put my really sensible flip flops back on.

We carried on with the adventure; the husband's trainers on my feet and the husband sporting a nice pair of green flips flops. My eldest stayed close by, reassuring me, telling me how great I was doing, looking after me, and finding an easier route for me to climb. Part of me wanted to tell him that I was totally fine and that he should stop fussing, but I knew he was doing what his dad had taught him. He was being a little man!

The second moment involved my four year-old. We had gone for a walk in a forest, and the route back involved walking down quite a steep hill. The descent needed tiny little steps to stay upright. I had the buggy to keep me balanced and the husband and his brother were making headway with the boys. At this point, my son looked back up the hill to see my sister in law teetering down the hill on her own. He walked back up the hill., and after telling her that he was going to marry someone even prettier than her, he handed her a big stick. He had been using the branch to keep his balance as he scrambled down the hill. He told her that she needed it more than he did. He also said that because she was a lady, it was his job to help her. My little boy was being a little man.

I was just so proud of my little men. They were following in their father's footsteps; learning to care for the ladies in their lives and preparing to be considerate husbands.

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives,
and treat them with respect as the weaker partner
and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life,
so that nothing will hinder your prayers."   1 Peter 3v7

When The Darkness Closes In

Miscarriage; My friend Hayley shares her story...
We started trying for a family after three years of marriage. I was disappointed every month that I didn’t fall pregnant. After five months of trying, I fell pregnant and I couldn’t have been more excited! I couldn’t believe my time had really come. I was going to be a mum and have a family. I remember the moment I did the test. I was buzzing with excitement and it felt so wonderful! I wanted it so much, I was so happy about the news, but then I started to worry that it could all go wrong, and I could lose this precious baby somehow. I spent a lot of time worrying during the early weeks. I asked close friends to pray with me through my worries, and I spent time praying on my own and I also asked Pete to pray with me often. I still don’t know why I feared miscarriage so much during that first pregnancy. Perhaps it is because I wanted the baby so much, and I honestly could not bear the thought of losing him/her.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant, I started to bleed. I was scanned, only to find that the baby hadn’t developed past 5 weeks. I then miscarried naturally at home. Nothing could have prepared me for the following year. I fell pregnant again about 5 months later. My doctor booked an early scan at 6 weeks due to my fears and worries. Pete and I saw the baby’s heartbeat and I remember walking home with my scan picture in my pocket, amazed that that this baby seemed to be ok. I didn’t worry about miscarriage after seeing the baby alive on the screen. I believed the baby to be safe and developing well, even at that early stage, the heartbeat gave me hope. At 7 weeks I started to bleed again. I miscarried at home, and a scan confirmed that I had lost this baby too.

How did this sad start to family life affect you?
I was completely devastated. I was in shock for a while, totally consumed by grief. I had to just allow it to happen; feeling helpless and unable to do anything to stop my body from failing me in such a massive and life changing way. I was going to be a mum, and all of a sudden that was taken from me.

I remember waking up every morning still crying from the night before. I spent hours and hours crying at home, either on my own, with Pete, with family and with friends. It took me a very long time to stop crying. The pain of losing my babies was unbearable. I remember going into work a week later thinking I would be fine to teach for the day. I got as far as opening my classroom cupboard door and collapsed in tears as I remembered that I was pregnant in that room a week beforehand, and now my baby was gone. Everywhere I went and everything I did reminded me of my loss.

What effect did this have on your marriage?
To be honest with you, it was a massive negative turning point in our marriage. I was so consumed with my grief that I was barely functioning a lot of the time. Giving any attention to Pete or his needs was not even something I thought of. I went through the motions of being a wife. I was just so upset and Pete was angry. Looking back we can both see that we didn’t really share the experience. I shut myself down, and so did Pete.

Were you able to ‘do life’ and see people? No I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to socialise. When we did, I was closed off from our friends, again going through the motions of friendship but often feeling distant and remote. Looking back I can now see how patient our friends were with us. Pete and I are so blessed to have friends that stuck by us during that challenging year. They were so gracious and loving. I barely went to church during that year. I was so fearful of crying at church, and I knew if I brought my pain to God, it would hurt and I would cry. I didn’t want to cry anymore, I didn’t enjoy crying and I wanted to ignore God. I questioned God. I wanted to know why He had let this happen to me. I felt that the one thing I wanted in life, He could have given me but instead I felt He’d chosen to offer it to me, then snatch it away. I just could not understand what good could come from my suffering.

What happened in relation to trying again for a baby? After my two miscarriages I waited for my cycle to begin again, not really knowing what I wanted. My whole world had fallen apart, I had lost not only my babies, but I felt I had lost my future as a mum. I had no hope left at all. After waiting a few weeks my cycle didn’t start, and so I braced myself and did a pregnancy test. It was positive and I remember phoning my mum sobbing, because I felt I couldn’t cope with it. I remember saying “I can’t go through it all again.” I felt I couldn’t get myself through yet another miscarriage. In my heart I assumed this pregnancy would end in the same way as my previous pregnancies, and I wasn’t ready to go through the whole ordeal again. I was still grieving for my second baby. But after 9 very long and worrying months my beautiful baby girl was born!

Looking back, how has this painful experience shaped you and your marriage? Before miscarrying I had never really suffered in any real way. Pete and I stumbled upon massive marriage problems, mostly due to the way we both dealt with our loss, and I learnt that God is a faithful God. I thought I was losing my marriage, even though I had gained a wonderful daughter, so I prayed every day. I trusted God’s faithfulness because I never wanted to return to the solitude and hopelessness that I felt when I suffered the miscarriages and didn’t trust God. I now believed that even if everything beneath me was swept away, God would still hold me up in his loving, secure, faithful arms. And needless to say, He did. And in a strange way, I am glad it all happened. I now know the pain of loss, and I learnt how not to deal with difficult times.

What changed in your marriage?
It was a very gradual process. God allowed us to take the time we needed. He put some couples in our life who would ask us how we were really doing. They allowed us time, were patient with us and prayed with us and for us. If we had done it alone, I’m not sure what would have happened to us. I had got to the place where I desperately didn’t want to lose our marriage and I trusted God. I prayed every day. Pete wasn’t in a place where he could lead us in coming to God, because he simply didn't trust God anymore, but I asked Pete to do a bible study with me once a week and he agreed. He was willing for God to change our marriage, even if he couldn’t take the lead in it. We started to spend time with God as a couple, which we had never really done before, and we started to spend time with God individually. Gradually, we drew closer to Him and to each other again.

What did you learn about God’s character?

I have learnt that God is so faithful and I can trust Him. I realised that God has plans for Pete and I that are different to my own plans. It’s so wonderful to look back and now see God’s goodness in my life, even looking back on my loss and my darkest times. He most definitely carried me through that time. The frustrating thing is that at the time I didn’t know it, and I didn’t trust Him! I have learnt to trust God through even the most painful experiences.

I remember two particular songs teaching me a lot about God’s character… “Blessed be your name” by Matt Redman and ‘Hard Pressed” by Lou Fellingham. I learnt that God will not abandon me, that He has a plan, even when I feel pulled to pieces and my world is caving in. I learnt that I can worship and praise my God even when there is pain in the offering. I am so sure of His goodness now.

Anything you would like to add...

Our journey has been such an amazing blessed one! I cannot contain my love for God when I think of what he has brought us from. We were a young married couple in a desperate situation, and now Pete is leading our family of five as we live for God. We have just finished running an Alpha course together in our home, which in itself shows how far God has brought us. We know that our hope is in God and our future is in His hands. I consider it a privilege and a sign of God’s love for us that he allowed us to go through what we did, and that He was willing to teach us.

What an amazing God that steps down from the heavens and is willing to change us. I am so grateful to Him for allowing us to go on this (at times) painful, yet rich and joyful journey  with Him. It makes me so excited to think where he might take us next and what he might change in us next. I’m so glad we have now put our marriage and our children in the hands of a God who loves us, and I know it’s not through our own doing. It’s all been God’s willingness to teach us, to lead us, and show us grace and unconditional love every step of the way. Thank you Lord!

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.    Hayley's verse - Psalm 63v1-5

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Pete's verse - Romans 8v38-39

A Snail's Pace

Today I spent some precious time with my youngest in our garden. We sat in the sun and collected, watched and talked to snails, much to the dismay of my friend who has three girlie girls. She said her girls would have screamed and run away, in case they got slime on them and died! I love how different our worlds can be.

My son pulled each of the happily sleeping snails off the wall and put them all together in a group on the grass. The snails stayed safely in their shells for quite a while. But then they foolishly peered out to see if the excited boy had gone away. He hadn't. He was ready and waiting. As they slowly started to crawl away, he would pick them up, chat to them and show them to me. I laid on the grass next to him; watching him, chatting to the snails as they were introduced to me and simply enjoyed our slow-paced moment together. Our lovely moment lasted quite a while, until the snails eventually got to go for a wild ride in a yellow tipper truck. Unfortunately one of the snails didn't quite make it to tell his friends all about his high speed adventures, may he rest in pieces...

3 o'clock arrived and the three older brothers returned from school, and quadrupled the amount of testosterone in the house. Whilst I got dinner on the go, kept up with the potty training and divided and conquered when needed, my precious snail moment drifted from my mind. My sweet snail-loving boy changed into being the slightly bugging younger brother, and slightly disobedient and tantrummy youngest son.

I tried hard to think back to our snail moment, and realised that it seemed easier to love my boy in the precious, slow-paced, and uninterrupted moments rather than in the real-life, busy and chaotic moments. And straight away I was thankful that God doesn't deal with me like that. He loves me when I give Him my undivided attention, appreciate His creation and talk freely to Him. He also loves me just as much when I'm bugging others, disobeying Him and tantrumming. I therefore made a choice to love my boy during his not so loveable moments, knowing that God loves me during mine.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

                                                                                                          1 John 4v8&11

You Get What You Deserve

Last night I told my four year old that if he wasn't in bed with his book by the time I came upstairs that I wouldn't read it to him. I got upstairs and he wasn't in bed with his book. I asked him what the consequence was and he explained that he couldn't have a story because he hadn't done what I had asked. I explained that I was going to use what had happened to show him what grace looks like. (We didn't get into the theology of grace also being the discipline side of things during this little chat but we've got all his life to cover that one too).

I explained that grace was getting what we do not deserve. I explained that he didn't deserve to have the story read to him, but that I was going to read it to him anyway because I wanted him to have what he didn't deserve. I explained that we have all been naughty and sinned, and that we deserve a big telling off from God. I explained that instead of God telling us off in the way we deserve, He chose to tell Jesus off instead, who had never done anything wrong. I said that the telling off was for Jesus to die on a cross, and we got to go free. This is grace, I explained to my little one.

I think some things landed and we read his book, Toy Story. We looked at Andy, the really nice boy in the story and we looked at Sid, the not so nice boy who lived next door. My boy said that we should be more like Andy than Sid, and although he is right, I decided to go in for another little teaching moment. I tried to explain that actually in comparison with Jesus' goodness and purity, Andy and Sid were pretty similar. They were both sinners. They both had selfish hearts. They were both like me and my son. Whether the sin is seen as clearly as in Sid's character or whether it's a bit more hidden like Andy's, it's still there. Andy, Sid, me and my boy all need to know of God's loving grace, and His forgiveness. We all need what we don't deserve.

We of course, ended up praying for Toy Story's Andy and we also prayed  for Auntie Nai's dog who happens to be called Grace. We will hit the topics of grace and goodness again because new opportunities arrive all the time in our house, to teach into these two subjects.

If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves, and the truth is not in us. We confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8, 9

Wandering in the Wilderness

Sometimes being a mum feels like you're wandering around in the desert or the wilderness. It can be so monotonous; day in, day out, you can feel like you're still not sure what you're doing or where you're going! And it's not like your little charges regularly stop what they're doing and say, "Mum, I just want to thank you for all the hard work you put into parenting me." There is the temptation to feel like you want to give up. On Sunday, just before church, this wandering mother snapped and gave up. She shouted at one of her sons and felt pretty justified about the shout. She'd had enough of the attitude, the answering back, the disobedience, and the winding up. She even threw in a slammed door.

Then she went to church! And there she felt quite annoyed by the preach! Joel Virgo was continuing his series in 1 Samuel. It's been one of those series that have felt wonderfully encouraging, but with a challenging kick to it. And this week he was going on about us being in the wilderness, and the wilderness being a place of training.
He explained how many great characters in the bible spent a season, a decade, or forty years even, in the wilderness and it was in order to train them. Even Jesus Himself spent 40 days in the wilderness. Joel explained that it's how we respond in the wilderness which is so vitally important. Do we continue to trust God or do we decide to bury our heads and give up? Joel went on to say that being meek is trusting God, humbling ourselves to let Him be in control. He also said that we're not meant to stay in the wilderness but that we're to walk through it. If we give up, we stay there and die in the wilderness. Whereas if we grow and learn through the training, trusting God completely, we come out the other side a little more like Jesus and a little more ready to take on what God has called us to do! 

But God has called me to be a mother! And that's tough at times... Ah I started to see what God was saying to me through Joel's word. God is training me, as I train my little ones. And as I get it wrong with my little ones. Joel ended of course, with Jesus; saying that we needed to hold onto who Jesus was. Hold onto His past faithfulness, and hold onto His steadfastness.  Hold onto the fact that He showed mercy to the me, an ungrateful child. Hold onto the fact that He blesses and provides security and love to me, regardless of how I respond. Hold on to the fact that He continually serves me, regardless of how undeserving I am.

I apologised to my son and sought his forgiveness for shouting at him and we prayed together. I thanked God that we we are both sinners saved by grace. I thanked God that He shows both of us undeserved grace and forgiveness. I thanked God that He never shouts at us or slams a door. I thanked God for the wilderness training. I thanked Him again for loving us, His children so perfectly.

"Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.  
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.  
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.  
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."

Matthew 5v5-9

Breakdown Recovery

Last Thursday, after the grand organising of child care (calling in the parents) me and the husband set off for a church conference in Nottingham. Leaving the house took a shocking two minutes, instead of the usual long-haul of getting four boys out the door. We chatted freely on the journey, I dozed off now and then and no one needed our attention, or snacks or a wee stop.

It was a great journey, the husband was happy that we were doing well for time and that we were going to actually arrive early, going against our family's tradition. All of a sudden, all the dashboard dials went to zero and back again. We pulled into the middle lane, and then into the slow lane as the dials went to zero again and stayed there. We made it onto the hard shoulder and sat in silence for a few moments. (You learn after nearly ten years of marriage to not say anything during these moments!)


After the husband had explained that we didn't have any breakdown cover, we  bought some and awaited the AA man. He arrived quite promptly and checked out the car. He stuck his hand into the engine and quite obviously got an electric shock. Thankfully he recovered and we didn't have to call out for another man to come and replace the one we had electrocuted on the road side. He towed us to a service station and had a fiddle with the engine. He decided our old girl had passed her best years. At 207000 miles, our Chrysler Voyager had driven her last journey. Sad times. We decided to get towed to Nottingham rather than back home. Our AA man could only tow us so far, and then we had to wait at another service station for another AA man, who towed us to the conference. Always fun to arrive at these things on a pick up truck! We scrapped the old girl while we were there.

The journey got me thinking about our journey with God; sometimes smooth sailing and you seem to get quite far along quite quickly, sometimes you face difficulties along the way, sometimes you feel like you come to a stand-still, sometimes it costs you, sometimes you need someone to help you, sometimes you have to make decisions to change the way you're travelling, and sometimes you're simply humbled as you travel.

But you do end up getting nearer to your destination; more like Jesus and closer to eternity with Him. And the great thing is that He isn't just waiting for us to finally get to Him as we arrive at our final destination. He travels with us along the way, like the best possible AA man, with all the tools and help we need along the way. Sometimes we foolishly try to journey along without asking Him for His help, and we realise we simply can't. Therefore we end up sitting on the hard shoulder for a while, until we realise He's patiently waiting for us to call on Him for some breakdown recovery.

"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4v16

The Perfect Parent

The perfect parent; kind and loving all the time, always patient with their children, available to listen whenever needed, continually long suffering, forever self-sacrificial and abundantly lavish too! Even though their children are demanding and self seeking, they seem to be able to love them unconditionally, delight in them consistently and never ever tire of them. Have you met one of these parents?

Well, actually have you met Him? There is only one parent like this; Our Heavenly Father. He is perfect and treats me with such undeserved grace, patience and long-suffering as I continually demand my own selfish ways. I am not like Him.... I am made in His image, so when there are glimmers of goodness in my parenting it's all down to Him. However, some of the time my boys would vouch for the fact that I'm not always oozing with perpetual patience.

Last night for example, I killed off Peppa Pig. Harsh I know. But we were reading about her fun trip to the swimming pool, again. We had already read it twice in five minutes, as requested by my youngest son. And it's not like he was even really listening; he was instead finding it funny to roll off the sofa onto the book and laugh in that over-tired kind of way that a two year old does at 8pm. But when I tried to put it down, due to his lack of interest, he was most put out. So third time round as I read it, some of the words and activities seem to change in this much loved book. Instead of a fun meeting with Rebecca Rabbit and her mum, and all the usual fun splashes from George Pig and Richard Rabbit, an unexpected event occurred. Poor Peppa unfortunately came to quite a sad ending at the bottom of the pool, with her so-called friend Rebecca not even diving in to help. The book was closed, my son looked at me to see if he had heard right, he was kissed on the forehead and tucked into bed.

So today, I am just so grateful that the perfect parent does exist and that He fathers me so wonderfully well, forever patient with me. I'm grateful for mercies which are consistently renewed each morning, and I'm quite thankful too that I'm not Peppa Pig. Maybe I'll show her a bit more mercy tomorrow.

Parents, I pray that you would be "strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1v11

Have A Little Patience

This afternoon I went off to Asda with my youngest. We walked down each aisle, we found some good deals, we piled the trolley sky high with the weekly needs, we got our standard pack of Prawn Crackers half way round, and we headed to the checkout over an hour later.

That's where we met Janice, the check-out lady. I started to unload the weekly shop onto the conveyor belt, and my youngest delicately threw the items near him onto the belt in his own special helpful way. As usual with my shopping, the items didn't all fit on. I needed Janice to start scanning the items through. My first item was a reduced Star Wars Storm Trooper helmet, and I turned round to see Janice trying it on. She pointed out what a good deal it was. (Reduced from £9.00 to £2.50) She eventually started scanning the items, and I was able to load the rest of the shopping from the trolley. I wrongly had assumed that she would have started packing the items into the bags, but instead both sides of the til were now just filled with all of my food. I started bagging up my shopping. Janice was not the quickest of check-out ladies. She was in a very chilled mood. She had quite a bit to say about my reduced items and the things she liked. She chatted to my little one, and encouraged him to wear the Storm Trooper helmet, all the while smiling away.

I rubbed my forehead, as I looked at my snail like shopping crawling across the line as I asked for more carrier bags than the three I had been given. Then I had a thought, I had a choice to be patient with this lady or impatient. I had a choice to act in a godly way or not. I knew quite clearly that being impatient would not even get my shopping done any quicker, and that choosing the 'patience option' was what God was requiring of me, and He knew what was best for me, and best for Janice.

So I took a deep breath, smiled back and asked her how long she had worked there. Fifteen years! There were so many comments which I could have made, but instead I slowly packed the bags and continued chatting, eventually finding a way of letting her know that there was a church which met at the Racecourse. I asked her if she was the churchy type and this chilled, slow-paced lady, with no higher speed level said that she didn't have time to go to church. Ah Janice, you don't have time not to go to church! I thought about how patient God was being with this older lady who didn't have time to get to know Him. I thought again about how patient God is with me as I make choices to live according to His way or my own. I thought about how choosing to be patient with Janice, had made me have a much less stressful shopping trip as well as helping me see the bigger picture.

As I paid and left, I heard her say to the next customer that she was sorry to have kept them waiting. I smiled and thought I should probably go to Janice's checkout next time I shop, with Take That's 'Have a little patience' lyrics in my head as I spend time listening to her, knowing that God wants her to come to know Him.

  "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:

With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.

   The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.

Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish,

   but everyone to come to repentance."  2 Peter 3v8-9

Before The Chaos

This morning, just before the chaos of life began, my youngest walked into my room and climbed into my bed. He didn't say anything, he just got into a spooning position in front of me and I pulled the duvet over him and held him. We laid there, all warm and quiet for some time, before we eventually started chatting about the day ahead and what kind of sleep he had had.


It dawned on me how tantrummy he had been the day before, wanting his own two year old way about things. But I hadn't thought about that as he had climbed in bed for a snuggly cuddle. It was just one of those lovely, peaceful mummy moments which I treasured. And I was just so pleased to see my son, welcome him into the warm duvet and enjoy a few precious moments with him, no doubt before the odd tantrum or two.

I thought about my Heavenly Father; how He loves it when I just approach Him, simply to spend time with Him, to rest in His presence and feel safe in His arms. I love that as soon as He sees me, He is pleased with me, and not because of anything I have done or achieved, but because of who I am. I love that because of what Jesus has done for me, redeeming me from my sinful state, my Heavenly Father looks at me with sheer delight and joy. He doesn't dwell on the tantrums of yesterday when I tried to get my own thirty-four year old way about things, but instead He shows me new undeserved mercy again each morning. He welcomes me into His peaceful presence; into His tender, loving arms and asks me to enjoy a few precious moments with Him. What a great way to start the day, before the chaos of life begins.

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."

Psalm 36v7

Let it Rain

So it appears I have been in hiding for a little while. I have for some of the time been in my room, with an inflamed leg up on some cushions, one child with Tonsillitis, the television on as the boys' new best friend, and easy meals pre-cooked from restaurants and shops. We've all been camped out in one room, with many boxes and kitchen utensils, due to the new kitchen being put in downstairs. It did have a certain holiday feel to it at times and it was nice doing nothing, apart from vegging with the boys in my bed. Although Cbeebies did reach it's maximum viewing level and there is only so much time five of us can spend in one room together.

I feel like I have also been hiding in the wilderness for a little while; a camping trip to the valley of dry bones it seems. Not really praying, or reading the word, or even dwelling on the Lord God Almighty for a few minutes to thank Him. The busyness of life in one room, the pain in my leg, the boys, the kitchen, buying pre-cooked meals, remembering Antibiotics and finding places to eat breakfast seemed to claim my focus as I went through the motions of life.

I've been on some interesting camping holidays in my lifetime, but camping out in Ezekiel's valley of dry bones these last few weeks has not been one of my most fun ones. Feeling dried up, lacking in hope and cut off from the land of the living has not been life-giving or joy enhancing at all. I think I'd rather get rained on and flooded out.

So I've started praying little prayers, talking to God in the every day moments and thanking Him again for who He is and all He has done for me, and funnily enough, with my focus back on Him not me, breath is coming back to the dry bones. After all, it is promised in God's word;

I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.

Isaiah 41v18

So I'm looking forward to putting my wellies and rain mac on, checking my tent pegs are secure and standing out in the rain.

The Bench and The Plank

Last week I helped a friend move house. Well, I say 'helped' in a very loose way; me and my youngest were definitely there. I drank tea, and made some for the removal men but that was my level of help. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on a little bench, while I gave my son a running commentary of what was leaving the house and what was going in the van. He seemed happy enough to repeat everything I said and occasionally get in the way just a little as heavy furniture was manoeuvred around him.

While we sat on the bench the window behind me opened and a little old, grey-haired head popped out. I smiled sweetly at the little old lady, and carried on the great furniture departure story with my boy. The lady smiled and told me that the bench was not communal. I said, "Ok...." in that kind of questioning way of saying, 'surely it's okay for me and my two year old to sit on it though?' But I had heard right the first time. The bench was not communal. It was her's and she'd like me and my son to not sit on it.


Aware that the two removal men were now watching this little moment unfold, I got off the bench and sat on the grass. The removal men made up a song about 'sad busybodies who had too much time on their hands' which I uncomfortably smiled at. And I sat and played with my youngest.

About ten minutes later, the little old lady opened her front door and asked me to come inside for a chat. So in I went to her little house. She started to explain to me that she lived with her old aged brother and his wife who was very disabled, and the noise travelled in from the bench by the window and disturbed her poorly sister in law. She thought I was moving in next door to her, and we had clearly got off on the wrong foot, so she wanted to apologise and explain her reactions.

I guess the whole thing got me thinking of how quick we are to judge one another. Without the little old lady's explanation, I wonder how I would have told the story to the husband when I got home. I presume I would have judged her as a busybody like the removal men had. I presume I would have judged me as the one in the right, and her as sticking her nose in, and being old and selfish. I wonder what judgements I make of others, their words and actions, without knowing the whole story or their heart behind those actions. I wonder what I take as a judgement about me, my kids, or my parenting when people say things. I wonder what my heart is like when I make these judgements or hear them back. The lady went from being a selfish busybody to a caring sister in law all in the space of ten minutes. Funny how a plank in the eye can really distort your vision!

 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7v3-5

Lamb Chop and Mint Sauce

I'm a bit behind with my bible reading at the moment, and I have to admit it's because I just hit Leviticus! I was really enjoying Exodus; the battles, the victories, the faith ventures and impossible miracles. But then I hit Leviticus and it wasn't as dramatic or tremendous. It's all about sin offerings, burnt offerings, guilt offerings, wave offerings, grain offerings and peace offerings. It's all about sacrificing rams, sacrificing ox, sacrificing unblemished goats, and sacrificing lambs for the people. And it is written in such immense detail, down to what should be done with the blood and the fat of the animal. It's not the most joyful read, especially if you're squeamish at all. So I admit that my eagerness died down a bit. I wanted battles, victories, faith and miracles not detailed descriptions of how to kill and chop a lamb, what to do with his kidneys and with not even a mention of mint sauce.

Yesterday morning, I had a quiet moment in the house, so I sat down on the sofa and simply closed my eyes and started talking to God about my day. My Heavenly Father in His wonderful, undeserved grace, gently rebuked me.  It just hit me; the reason I could just sit on my sofa and be in the privileged position of speaking to God, the creator of the universe, the giver of life and my own breath was because of the greatest sacrifice that had ever taken place. And so the repentance began.

The detailed sacrifices in Leviticus showed reverence and awe and fear towards God. Yet there I was showing no reverence, no awe and no fear towards God in how I was reading the bible. The sacrifices emphasised the vastness of sin and the requirement for it to be severely dealt with. And there I was not even trying to understand what those sacrifices meant, or the great relevance they had in relation to my sin being dealt with. The sacrifices were brought to the priest, showing his importance in representing the people. And there I was not giving Jesus a second thought as the great High Priest and how He represented me on the cross. The offerings and constant death of animals showed to what extent sin needed to be dealt with in order for God to not pour His wrath on the people. And there I was not even considering my own sin, not considering Jesus' death and not considering the wrath and punishment my sins deserved.

Thankfully, I didn't need to kill a lamb or a goat out in the garden before I sat on the sofa that morning. I didn't need to go and gather grain. I didn't need to present anything to a priest. It had all been done for me. My sin still needed to be atoned for. It still offended God, just as much as in the Leviticus days. But my sin had been atoned for when Jesus took the punishment I deserved, on the cross. The perfect, unblemished lamb was put to death, taking God's wrath from me. I wanted battles, victories, faith ventures and impossible miracles. What else does Leviticus point to? Undeserved grace and forgiveness sounds pretty dramatic and tremendous to me. Jesus' painful death and sacrifice means that not only have my sins been completely dealt with and removed from me, but now I can talk to God Almighty, in the quiet of my lounge on my sofa, and joyfully read the book of Leviticus.

"All Scripture is God-breathed

and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

                                                                                                      2 Timothy 3v16-17

To Infinity and Beyond

The Gym: so far it has been an amusing experience. I freaked out on the cross trainer because my legs were going faster than my body, and I learnt quite quickly that you can't just stop on it, because you do a kind of mid air hop while the machine keeps going. I freaked out on the running machine because I was convinced I would fall off the end. My friend, a personal trainer was very calm with me, but did have to talk to me like a child, "Where are your feet? Can you see your feet? They're nowhere near the end, are they? Look at your feet."

And then there is the changing room experience; trying to gauge when it's a 'wear a towel' moment and when it's not. Hoping my friends don't decide to use the gym the moment I've decided it's a quick 'non towel' moment. There's the horror of forgetting to even bring a large towel, and attempting all sorts of manoeuvres with the tiny gym sweat towel. But my favourite moment so far was when I decided tights were a good option for the day! I had successfully got through the moisturising moment; involving the complexity of holding my towel and the moisture cream bottle and the tights, which just felt like another workout. I then put on my 'keep the tights hoiked up' pants over the top of the tights and looked up at the other ladies who had got dressed. I assumed from their attire that they worked, their jobs mainly being in offices. And I realised that they must be looking at me and assuming from my attire that my job was indeed some kind of weird superhero. I found this far too amusing and continued getting dressed.


In that moment, thinking about what I was wearing, I knew there were other essentials I needed to have on for the day! I needed the belt of truth buckled around my waist, the breastplate of righteousness in place, the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation, to name but a few. If I didn't have these in place then in my vulnerability, I would not end the day well. I would end the day doubting, after listening to lies, with a wrong self image, possibly bound up and easily tripped. So with my superhero pants on, my mind set on the truth of God's word, and the righteousness in which I stand, I put on my cape and went out to tackle the day - to infinity and beyond! Well, actually I just went down the road to the boys' school and back. But I knew how important it was to be fully dressed, even for the school run.

"Therefore put on the full armour of God,
so that when the day of evil comes,
you may be able to stand your ground,
 and after you have done everything, to stand."
Ephesians 6v13 

I'm Lovin' It

So Saturday morning was meant to start with me alone with the boys, due to the husband being away on a Stag weekend. (I attempted to explain what a Stag weekend was to my eldest, and now he can't wait to arrange them for his brothers). Even though we were five not six this morning, we heard the key in the door at 7:15am. There was the husband with four McDonald's breakfasts, a bag of Granola, strawberries and yoghurt. The boys tucked into their sausage and pancakes and a cup of tea was placed in my hand. Then the husband was off again to shoot balls of paint at other men.


Brownie points indeed for the husband's grand gesture and it left us all feeling full, loved and thought of by him. As I was munching my Granola and strawberries, I was reminded of the book I read the youngest earlier in the week, "Guess How Much I Love You". It's about a little rabbit who explains to his dad that he loves him, and the daddy rabbit out does him each time with bigger love. I thought about what the husband had done for us; leaving his time away with his buddies, in order to drive to McDonalds in the early hours, and pop into Asda just to bring us breakfast. It left us feeling very loved indeed. But I knew in that moment that my heavenly daddy out does even the grandest gestures of love and sacrifice, He even out does McDonalds love. In His word, it says; 
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3v16-17

What's not to love about these verses? Our Heavenly Father loves us so much, that He gave us His son in order to save us. I also love this verse because it is unconditional and open to all. Even if there is no earthly husband or father to lavish their love with Granola and pancakes, this verse states that the Father's gift of Jesus is for "whoever believes". So His lavish love is for all, whether people know of earthly tokens of it or not. His love, His goodness and His kindness are displayed in what He has done for us and who He is. Also, the creation we see around us displays His love towards us, the earthly acts of love between people show His love and for us  and today, McDonalds shows God's love too.
I'm lovin' it.

A Camel's Perspective

I read 'Peppa Pig goes swimming' and 'The camel who found Christmas' to one of my boys, as they were tucked up in bed this week. We didn't get too deep with Peppa, but the camel's perspective of the Christmas story turned out to be quite helpful. The camel was a bit worried about meeting King Jesus. He was worried he wasn't big enough or important enough to meet a king. He was worried he wasn't smart enough or special enough to meet a king. (Even though I presume a talking camel would come across as quite smart and quite special) But the mummy camel reassured the little camel that everyone was invited to meet King Jesus, no matter who they were, and no matter who they weren't. No matter what they had done and no matter what they hadn't done.

As I read about the camel's physical and emotional journey to meet the king, I added a few of my own lines into the story, in my best camel voice of course. I said that the camel was a bit worried about meeting King Jesus because of the tantrums he had vocally expressed that day, and the disobedience he had shown to his mummy that day, and the rudeness that mummy camel had to put up with that day. I wasn't sure if my son was picking up on my subtle additions to the story, but he seemed fully engaged in the life of this camel, whose actions weren't dissimilar to his own. So with his mind fully engaged on this disobedient, rude, tantrummy camel, I was able to be the voice of the mummy camel and reassure him that he was still invited and welcome to meet King Jesus.

Sometimes I am tempted to express to my kids that they're only welcome to come to me when they're being good, well behaved, calm and polite. What if they think that Jesus only welcomes them in when they're like this too? Of course, I want my boys to be good and obedient. But I would be hindering their understanding of grace, if they thought they had to get it right in order to come to me. I would be hindering them so much, if they thought they had to get it right in order to come to Jesus.

I know that if I had to get it right in order to come to Jesus, I simply wouldn't be able to come to Him. King Jesus welcomes my boys in right in the midst of their tantrums. Which means that He also welcomes me in, standing bemused on the other side of that tantrum, or having a tantrum of my own. He welcomes my boys in when they think they're not good enough, or important enough. Which means He welcomes me in when I think the same. He welcomes them in even when they're being disobedient and rude. Which means He also welcomes mummy camel in, even when she's got the right hump with them too.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Matthew 19v15

Sex Sells

Apparently slavery was abolished in the 19th Century. Then how come an estimated 27 million people are held in slavery today? Human trafficking, the illegal trade of human beings for exploitation, is a crime which is growing faster than drugs and weapons. Every thirty seconds another person becomes a victim of Human Trafficking. Children as young as four are sold into sex slavery and women are expected to service a man up to forty times a day. These statistics alone should make us feel sick, disgusted, upset and angry.

This blog post is in support of The A21 Campaign, which is committed to combating the injustice of human trafficking, through rescuing one life at a time. If you think slavery is wrong, if you think women being forced to have sex is wrong, if you think children should not have to know of this, yet alone be involved in it or if you think injustice is wrong, then please check out their website http://www.thea21campaign.org/ and see how you can help. Have a look at Natalia's Story on the website.

And finally, please download "Twenty Seven Million" by Matt Redman and LZ7 from itunes or Amazon in order to raise awareness.

"You may choose to look the other way but you can never again say you did not know." William Wilberforce

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favour and the day of vengeance of our God.."

Isaiah 61v1-2

The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth

There was a great moment at dinner this week. Our youngest boy had eaten all his sausage and cheese, but was reluctant to consume the pepper. At stake was a delicious Neapolitan ice cream cake, but the pepper was standing in the way of him ever getting it. The husband was delighted to think that said Neapolitan ice cream cake would soon be his. But the boy's brothers decided to start chanting his name and clapping him and telling him he could do it, showing him the cake, and cheering him on. Eventually, spurred on by the encouragement he shoved in the food and it was gone. Reluctantly the husband handed over the cake.

The 'cheering on' aspect of the great pepper consumption reminded me of what I had written in my prayer journal last week. Sometimes I don't stand on the truth of what the bible says about God, and His view of me. I can get myself in a doubting muddle or wallow in a bit of "whoa is me" attitude. The bit when the donkey in Shrek sings "I'm all alone" comes to mind. So I wrote down what the Father actually thinks of me, what the coach shouts at me from the sidelines...

"You can trust me. I am terrifying but you are safe in me. I know you. I'm not surprised by your sin or your lack of faith. I see you and I know you. My beloved son spent Himself for you. I spent all I had on you. I have more for you. You can come close and you wont get burned. I delight in you. I am faithful to you. I am slow to anger. I cherish you. I have you. I am your father. You are welcome in my house, in my presence. I listen to you. I am never too busy for you. I have defeated the enemy. The lies he tells you have no power. My truth is sweet. Taste and see that I am good. It is my choice to bless you. You are chosen and accepted. I have adopted you. You are no orphan. You can do all things through my son. I am mighty in battle. I do not grow weary. My arm is not too short to provide for you. I am all you need. I cannot reject you. I picked you for my team. I ride on a mighty horse, as the head of the army. I am powerful. Fear me but do not be afraid. You can approach me. I am your refuge and your coach. I will not pour my wrath on you. I poured it on my son instead. Before you even wake up, I am pleased with you. When you go to sleep, I am still pleased with you. I cannot be moved or shaken. I hold you. You don't phase me. I am uncontainable. I am mighty. I love you. I've got your back. I am for you."

If someone said this to me every day, I'm sure I would live a little differently. Oh hang on, this is said to me every single day and on through eternity. It's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

"For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."
                                                                                                        Psalm 33v4

Missing One Blue Toothbrush

This week one of the little blue toothbrushes went to stay with his Granny and Pops for two nights. He had the choice of taking a brother with him, but he decided he would like his grandparents all to himself. So off he went with his ruck sack on his back, and Tigger in his arms. It was hard to tell which one was the jumpy, excitable soft toy and which one was the jumpy, excitable small boy!
It sounds like he had a wonderful time; two adults listening to him solely for two days, a train ride to London, a visit to the Transport Museum, sweets from the M&M store, a Happy Meal from FatDonalds and hours of Scaletrix with Pops. What a blessing grandparents are!

But oh how we missed him! We missed his boundless energy. We missed his cheeky smile. We missed his funny little ways, his words, his bounce. We missed one of our blue toothbrushes. Even one of his older brothers said that he missed being annoyed by him. The house was a little quieter, bedtimes were a little easier, but there was definitely something lacking in our house. We could feel it physically, but also emotionally.

It got me thinking of how much God must miss us when we drift away from him, for a day, a week or longer. In the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15v11-32), the Father was looking out for his son, longing to see him again, “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." I love that Abba Father is out looking for my return, with open arms. What a wonderful truth to dwell on. The jubilation we felt yesterday when our dear boy returned to us was lovely. His dad swept him into his arms and held him tightly, for a long while, kissing him and telling him how much he loved him. And we forget that this is how our Heavenly Father looks at us. He is waiting, watching from far off, yearning for us to repent and return to Him, after even one day. He is ready to pick us up and spin us around and hug us and kiss us and tell us how much He loves us.

Q&A

Any one of our past lodgers would say that they have heard unique phrases and questions living under our roof. The boys do tend to ask and do the funniest things. One of my boys stood in the kitchen last week, with nothing but gloves and socks on. One of those moments where as a mum you want to ask "Why?", but you know there is no answer.

I've been asked many wonderful questions by the boys, like 'Why haven't you got a willy yet mummy?', and 'If Aslan took his hood off, would he really be Scooby do?'  A friend of mine got asked if her boobies were her boobies and could they be touched? And the husband got the classic, 'Daddy, why is that cow giving that other cow a piggy back ride?' There is definitely a temptation to not answer them sometimes, or not go into great detail. But we encourage their questions, and answer them truthfully (for their age and understanding) because we want them to know that they can ask us absolutely anything, and that we will be honest in our reply. I love that I can come to God with all my questions too; the intriguing ones and the doubting ones, and He loves to answer me with His truth.

There are some questions which are a sheer joy to answer. The ones which just seem to melt a mother's heart. I was asked one of these questions recently by my four year old;
"Mum, where did God get the instructions to make me?"

Ah what a beautiful question. And what a delight to be able to give him my answer. I explained that God just thought about him right from the beginning. He knew exactly who my boy was going to be. He knew that my boy would be jumpy and smiley, feisty and funny. He knew all about his hair and his eyes. He knew all about his character and his love of putting socks on his hands. He even knew he would stand in my kitchen a little under dressed. God just knew of him, before he was even a thought in my mind. God simply didn't need instructions. I read him Psalm 139 and told him that God always knew exactly what He was doing when he made him.

"You created every part of me;
you put me together in my mother's womb.
  I praise you because you are to be feared;
all you do is strange and wonderful.
  I know it with all my heart.
When my bones were being formed,
  carefully put together in my mother's womb,
when I was growing there in secret,
  you knew that I was there
you saw me before I was born." Psalm 139v13-16