Mummyville

So only a couple of wonderings over the summer...I wonder why?! Could it be those long, sunny and rainy summer holidays? The weeks of having a million children in my house? (Well actually only four, but it felt like more). The endless questions; 'Are trees made of paper?', 'Where do babies come out?' The fun activities? The camping? Newday? The beaches? The picnics? The Olympics? And the brain numbing hours tuned into the Cbeebies channel? Yeah that might be why I haven't sat down to write for a little while. Some wonderings have definitely gone through my head, but they have not made it out the other end, and they have definitely not made it into the written form. They have instead stayed locked up in a place called 'Mummyville'.

'Mummyville' is a strange old habitat indeed. It's a bit like living in Dr Seuss world. The Cat in the Hat is a favourite Dr Seuss character in our house, and I relate to him. He uses lots of words and rhymes and ramblings all at once, whilst juggling many things including a fish in a bowl and he does it all while balancing on a ball. He also has Thing one and Thing Two constantly by his side. I feel his pain, and he does have a lot of fun along the way!

You can't live in 'Mummyville' all the time. You have to take a vacation from it, just for a few minutes at least, to keep your sanity. Most mums try to step out of 'Mummyville' for a minute or two, by locking themselves in the toilet. But even then, the vacation isn't guaranteed. Little people come knocking, or they're even more intrusive than that.

Longer moments holidaying from 'Mummyville' are recommended in order to serve us mums, and help us to go a little less insane. That is why the summer holidays are a dangerous time indeed, as these much needed moments are few and far between.
If mums live in this strange old habitat for too long, like a period of six weeks say, they become ever so tired and delusional and are in deep need of a thing called...rest.

I heard a preach last week which covered resting; perfect, just what I needed. The guy said that not only do we need to rest, but that we need to recharge as well. I was all for hearing a preach about resting, and even quoting it to the husband in order to get a lie in, but the recharge bit I hadn't necessarily thought about.

He said we needed to be like David in 1Samuel 30, who "strengthened himself in the Lord, his God". It is true we need to"lie down in green pastures" like Psalm 23 says, but we also need God to "restore our souls". This really struck me and I prayed with a friend about it after our church service. She encouraged me the next day with an email recounting her crazy morning, where she wanted to crawl back into bed, but instead she chose to listen to some worship music on the way to work and she had felt her soul being restored.

So, I put the fish bowl down for a minute and got off of the ball. I stepped out of 'Mummyville' for a moment and opened the Bible. I allowed it to restore my soul and I put worship music on. Such wonderful truths I read, I felt blessed and plugged in and recharged before stepping back on the ball and picking up the fish bowl once more.

Yawn....

Last week, I seemed to reach new levels of tiredness. I think it was the combination of a few things; the summer holidays with the four boys, planned outings and fun activities, the relentlessness of parenting, the husband being pretty much unavailable due to prepping for a youth camp and me being six months pregnant! Combined, they all joined together to have a slightly mental effect on me.

I shed a few manic tears and laughed a few manic laughs, 'phoned a friend' rather than 'asked the audience' (the four boys) for advice and support. I ate chocolate to boost my energy levels and I shed a few tears. Oh, I said that one already. I have been like the mother from some kind of weird movie; my character is the lovable baddie who looks a little zombiefied. She shouts a little bit and says sorry, cries a little bit and then laughs a little bit. Occasionally she remembers to feed the other characters in the film, while cheering on a random Brit in the Olympics, only to cry a little more when the unknown person wins a medal in Judo or weightlifting. Probably not the best script for a film, but some may relate to the withered character taking centre stage...

And somewhere in the middle of it all, I built a den, put on a DVD, made a strong cuppa and opened the Bible. I read Ephesians 3v14-21 and dwelled on verse sixteen. 

"...that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being..."

Because God is rich in Glory, I can ask Him to grant me to be strengthened with power in my inner being. Wow! I definitely needed my inner being to be strengthened. And this verse seemed to suggest that I actually can be. Of course it made me cry again, but this time out of relief and understanding and renewed hope in a God who loves me and wants to strengthen me. I sang a tearful version of 'On Christ the solid rock I stand' with verse three in particular.

"His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the 'whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay."

And I was reassured once more that God is my hope, no matter how tired I am, or how manic it all gets. His faithfulness remains the same forever, and He loves me in the midst of it all. The tiredness didn't suddenly get replaced with the 'Red Bull Effect', but my inner being was indeed strengthened.

 

A Time for Everything

The Summer Holidays, what a range of experiences and emotions they hold. People ask "How's your break going?", and some aspects are definitely a break from the norm. I'm naturally unorganised, so I hate the pressure that the school run adds to my life. Whereas getting up, putting the kettle on, allowing my eyes time to focus, and then sitting in my pjs is a sheer delight to me.

But then having some space while three are at school, means the house gets tidied and cleaned a lot more and there are moments where my mind doesn't have to think. It can actually be empty. Whereas having them all here, the toilets need cleaning as soon as I've cleaned them, and within seconds of hoovering there is another trail of sand and woodlice all over the carpet. My mind is constantly full, constantly whirring; answering life's questions, wondering where all the boys are, questioning why it's quiet, being ready with responses to the 'I'm bored' statements and planning ahead. And there are definitely more 'Brotherly Love' moments to speak peace into.


I absolutely love the school holidays, planning fun activities; sleepovers, junk modelling, bus trips, beach visits, Nerf wars and water fights but I'm reminded too that parenting is absolutely relentless, and biblical parenting seems even more so as it's a training of their hearts not their behaviour. I guess there is a time for everything, a season for every activity, and always an opportunity to teach. Here's an adaption of Ecclesiastes...

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time for school runs and a time for chilled mornings,
a time for book bags and a time for cbeebies,
a time for uniform and a time for pyjamas,
a time for packed lunches and a time for picnics,
a time for educational teaching and a time for biblical training,
a time for wellies and a time for sun cream,
a time for 6hrs respite during school days and a time for 13hr long holiday days,
a time to get a late mark and a time when it just doesn’t matter,
a time for P.E and a time to climb trees,
a time to sit still and a time to run free,
a time to look smart and a time to look like a lost boy,
a time to eat at lunch and a time to graze all day,
a time for learning and a time for learning

a time for school friends and a time for brothers.

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up"  Deuteronomy 11v18-19

An Apple A Day

We have been reading through Matthew with the boys. Just a few verses at a time, over breakfast. Some hugely successful mornings where a seed of truth has landed in their minds and brought challenge or encouragement, and some mornings where it felt as clear as if we had read a Dr Seuss tongue twister with them. We have been reading from the sermon on the mount in Chapter five, and because we've only covered a few verses a day, the boys do feel as if Jesus has been up that mountain for a rather long time explaining how people should live.

One day this week, we looked at 'A Tree and it's Fruit'. The husband asked us all if we could be any fruit-bearing tree, what one would we be. I fancied being a cherry tree. Banana, apple, mango and see-weed trees were also thrown into the mix. The husband read these verses and then chatted about what 'good fruit' might look like.

"So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognise them by their fruits." Matthew 7:17-20

We had written down a Summer Holiday 'To do' and 'To be' list, and the husband focused on the 'To be' part of the list; be kind, be generous, be honouring, be forgiving, be obedient, be loving etc. The husband explainined that these were 'good fruits' and that each one of them pointed to who Jesus is. The husband explained that neither the boys nor us parents could grow this fruit without God's help, so we had to choose one or two to ask God for. These moments can be pretty challenging because the boys hear what you're asking God for; 'patience' and to be a 'good example' in this instance!

When I went to the shop later in the day, one of my boys was too silly, disobedient and generally just hard work. I explained when we got in, that his behaviour was like growing rotten, smelly, gone-off fruit, and reminded him about what we had learnt in the morning. This little chat had a great impact on him. He had prayed at breakfast, for wisdom (making good choices) and God's help to be a good example, and he put these into practise. By the time his dad got home, he had grown some beautiful, fresh, healthy fruit . He led his younger brother well, being an example to him, he obeyed straight away, he didn't tantrum and he made good choices. He was able to share with his dad the different types of fruit he had grown that day.

I thought about this and realised that I am also able to share with my Heavenly Dad, what fruit I grow each day. I'm able to say sorry to Him for when I grow stinky, rotten, gone-off fruit, the ones I find at the bottom of the bowl. Usually I grow this fruit when I've decided I'm going to be an angry or an impatient tree! (I feel like I'm in Drama class now!)

I also know that He sees the good fruit which He has helped me to grow, maybe the kind of fruit that others don't necessarily see. Or maybe they do see, and it causes them to ask about the great gardener I know and how he plants seeds and causes growth and sometimes has to painfully prune the tree too, in order for good fruit to grow. I really don't want to grow rotten fruit, but without God, His word and His help, that is all I'll grow. Might need to go and check what's at the bottom of our fruit bowl.

Help, I Need Somebody

There are those wonderful times as a mum, where you find yourself throwing up in the toilet, and you still have to be mum. This was my experience last Sunday morning. We were all dressed and ready to get the bus to church, when I suddenly felt a bit funny in the tummy. I ended up locking myself in the loo and being sick.

My youngest serenaded me outside the door, with his new guitar which in itself was a joy. I had to try and shout to my eldest that I needed help, and he needed to get my phone off his brother. My other son wouldn't give the phone to his older brother, because he was playing a game on it.

From the bathroom, I had to explain why the phone was needed and why now wasn't a great time to argue. My boy, without a phone to distract him now decided to bug his guitar-playing brother, so there were screams coming from him. I shouted through the door something about being helpful, and the guitar serenade picked up again.

My eldest decided ringing dad was the best option, and usually he'd be right, but not when he's leading church. So through the door, I told him not to ring his dad. He then went for the 'Uncle Paul' option, which again on a normal day would have been a good choice. I was struggling to think straight, but knew that Uncle Paul may well be on church set up, so that wouldn't be great either. I told him to ring one of the ladies from the girl's house. He tried our friend Hannah, but it kept going to answer phone. My son was still convinced that Uncle Paul was his best option, and left slightly confusing messages on Hannah's answer phone saying this. With my tummy hurting and the tears wanting to fall, I said he should try one of the other ladies, Yvonne. I thought we were on the home stretch now, but my son came back to the closed door saying he couldn't spell Yvonne. It was hard to hear him over the guitar, but I managed to spell out her name.

I finally heard my eldest boy say, "My mum is sick and this house needs help". And I was relieved. I knew that help would come, because the ladies in that house, are just those kind of ladies. Five minutes later, the front door was opened to a Hannah and an Yvonne. I finally came out of the loo and burst out crying. A text on my phone came through, it was Psalm 46v1;

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble".

How true this verse is, and how present His help was to me in this moment. I was ushered up to bed, given a sick bowl and a drink, prayed for and the house fell silent as the boys were taken off to church. I was very grateful for God's help in the midst of trouble, and a refuge of sleep.

Please Sir, I Want Some More.

So a few days ago I paddled in the sea, while my youngest had a boat trip with his friends. Okay, so the sea was made of Bubble Wrap, and the boat was a cardboard box, and my son's friends were Octonauts, but still it was a lot of fun, and quite relaxing too! We were enjoying the boxes and the wrapping of post birthday fun; should have just wrapped the box, instead of buy the presents to go inside!

Before the box was a boat, it made it's debut as an oven. My son was mixing me a tasty dinner, and acting out being me. I always find it rather amusing and embarrassing when they say my phrases, in my tone, with my expressions. It can be quite a good reflection of how they see motherhood; usually they say things like "we're going to be late, come on".

Anyway, I was being made a yummy invisible dinner; lots of mixing and noise and I could imagine the mess if he was truly being me in the kitchen! The dinner, along with the plastic bowls, and wooden spoons were put in the oven to cook. We tasted it and it was yummy in our tummies. We drank our imaginary drinks too, and it was a fun activity to pass the morning together.


I snuck into the kitchen and made some real juice and a real cuppa, grabbed some breadsticks and chocolate and put them in the bowls. My son was surprised and excited by the sudden realness of our little picnic. And I honestly believe that after drinking pretend juice out of a plastic beaker, that was the best cuppa I've ever tasted. It made me think of how lavish and good God is. He blesses us out of the ordinary with things which are extraordinary. He surprises us with His provision. He knows what we need and even want, before we ask it of Him. He continues to surprise and excite me as I see evidence of His realness. I love that my boy hadn't even asked for real snacks in our play time, it was just a fun and generous mummy thing to do for him. And my father in Heaven loves to do the same for me. If my boy had asked me, I would have probably still said yes to Him.

This morning over breakfast, we looked at Matthew 7v7-9;
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
‘Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

The husband shared with the boys some recent gifts from God; flight money for our upcoming holiday and a longed-for baby born to friends of ours this week. He asked the boys to pray for specific things that fit in with God's will. It did leave me wondering if I pray specifically enough about my needs and wants, and I was sure that God could and would give me even more than breadsticks, tea and chocolate. I just need to ask Him for more.

Wherever I Am, There's Always Pooh

Last week I experienced one of those moments, which really highlights some of the wonders of motherhood. I was in the park with three out of four of the boys, waiting for the last one to finish his after school club. My almost three year old was testing to see if the boundaries of disobedience were the same in a park as they are in the house, which of course they are. I had approached him as he wasn't responding to me, and that's when I realised that he had wet himself, which may have been part of the reason for him not coming to me.

I explained that I needed to change his trousers, so he held my hand and we walked over to the buggy. I quickly pulled them off, and it was as the poo rolled onto my hand and hit the playground floor, that I realised my son had actually had more than a wet accident. These are the moments in life which no one ever prepares you for, no matter what books you read.

I sat for a few seconds wondering what to do and gritted my teeth as another child in the park told me I shouldn't bring pooey babies there. I reached into my bag only to realise that I had made a rookie mistake; I had left the house without baby wipes! Who does that after eight years and four children? I even recently gave a mum-to-be a survival kit; consisting of wipes, anti-bacterial gel, wine, Calpol and chocolate. I could have done with this kit on that day.

My other two boys came to watch/help my disastrous moment. They offered to get me some leaves to clean my poo covered hand. I don't remember answering them with my best motherly, calm and gentle tone, and I washed my hand with Ribena instead. I pulled my boy's trousers up and tried to pull his shirt down a bit more to disguise his mishap. He then went off to play again, and I chose to ignore exactly how he was heading off to play for  a good ten minutes, before getting my other son from his after school club.

When we reached home, I showered my son while squirting bubble bath all over his rear. I threw his pants away, replenished my bag with wipes, cleaned the buggy, and then finally an hour later cleaned my odd smelling hand with anti-bacterial soap. As I was doing so, I wondered whether there was a God-moment I could grasp for. I thought back to the morning when I had met with some other mums and we had looked at Ephesians 2 together. The verse which sprung to mind was verse 10;"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I held on to the fact that God created us mums to do good works, which He prepared in advance for us to do. This whole experience could quite easily go under the 'good works' title for sure, like the clause on a job description "And anything else the job requires".

Big Fat Mistake

Previous post; Big Fat Love

After reading the story of Jonah to my son, I decided to have a read of it in my own picture-less, grown up bible. I managed to save myself a fair bit of embarrassment by not asking the husband which book of the bible I could find it in and started reading.

I just love how the bible is full of characters who completely mess up, making big fat mistakes, and Jonah is one of those characters. He chose to ignore the almighty, all-powerful creator of the universe, and then run away to Tarshish and hide from Him. As if God didn't know where Tarshish was! It's a little like playing Hide & Seek with my youngest; his best hiding place is either in the corner of a room or in the cupboard under the stairs, after he has told us of course, that he is going to hide in the cupboard under the stairs.


It's quite easy to judge Jonah, he did after all make some pretty foolish mistakes. But then again, it's quite easy to relate to the guy too. I swing between thinking I wouldn't even dream of disobeying God and hiding from Him, to realising that I probably do both regularly. I find that I can sometimes look at the boys in a similar way too. It's just so easy to see their foolish mistakes, in comparison with my own life. I mean I don't scream and stomp, I don't laugh at my brother when he's upset. I don't remember the last time I snatched something off someone. I don't break up Lego models because I'm desperate for one of the bricks. I don't think I've ever drawn on newly painted walls and I never say willy and bottom just to make people laugh.
(Okay, that last one might not actually be true).

Jonah looked at the people of Ninevah and only saw their foolish mistakes. He was angry, because God showed them mercy and compassion when they repented, instead of destroying them. After all, Jonah thought they deserved to be destroyed because they had disobeyed God. Hang on a minute there Jonah, didn't you do a similar thing? Didn't you disobey Him too? And didn't God show you mercy and compassion when you repented, in the belly of a big fish? What gives you the right to judge them?

That Jonah, constantly making more foolish mistakes. Maybe God shouldn't have shown him such grace, he just didn't deserve it. But then, hang on a minute Emma, don't you regularly do a similar thing? Don't you disobey God too? And doesn't He show you mercy and compassion when you repent? What gives you the right to judge Jonah, or your kids or anyone else for that matter?

Thankfully there is only one great judge, and He was merciful and compassionate towards Jonah and the people of Ninevah, because He judged Jesus for their sin instead. In fact, God is merciful and compassionate to all who repent of their foolish mistakes, all who repent of their sin. And thankfully, this includes me, and my kids and anyone else. Would any of us really want it any other way?

"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another.
Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it.
When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 
There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy.
But you – who are you to judge your neighbour?"
James 4v11-12

Big Fat Love

Previous Post; Big Fat NO

As I read the simple bible story of Jonah to my boy, I was struck again by God's mercy and unfathomable love, not only to a stubborn, disobedient character but also to a God-less city of thousands of people.

I explained to my son that God continued to show Jonah His love, by providing a vine to shade him from the sun, even when he was having a tantrum at God. I explained that God also showed His love to the undeserving people of Nineveh, by not destroying their city. It was a great way to lead into telling my son again about the cross. I explained to my boy, that not only has he done wrong things, but that I've done wrong things too. My son again reminded me of when I get cross at him, and I explained that that was exactly what I meant. I reminded him of when he says NO to me, or disobeys me, or does wrong things. I also named a few other people, including people he thought very highly of, and I said that they had all done wrong things too.

I talked to my boy about the fact that when he does wrong things, he needs to be told off and disciplined for it. Jonah's discipline was a little harsher than my boys get. I have never thrown them overboard nor have I caused a big fish to swallow them. (Something they should be a little more grateful for, I think!)

I explained that Jesus had never done anything naughty or wrong, so he never needed to be told off and yet he got really told off by His father, God. My boy asked me why Jesus got told off. And I delighted in telling him, that God loved him so much, He told Jesus off instead of him, and that God loved me so much, He told Jesus off instead of me. And that actually that telling off was really big, it meant Jesus had to die on a cross.

It was a great moment to share with my boy, that every time he says NO, or gets cross, or is selfish, God keeps on loving him. And that every time I get cross, or I am selfish or I say NO (or 'not yet') to God, God keeps on loving me. He just can't stop loving us both, like He couldn't stop from loving Jonah or the people of Nineveh. My boy smiled and I smiled with him, because it is just such a wonderful truth to dwell on, even for just a minute before bedtime.

"keep yourselves in God’s love
as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."
Jude 1v21

Next post; Big Fat Mistake

Big Fat NO!

Tonight's bedtime story for my four year old was that of Jonah. As I read the story, I realised that I was about to tell a story about disobedience, to a child who sometimes tries the whole concept of disobedience, so I thought this would either be a great teaching opportunity or a whole lot of fun!

I made the point clearly, that Jonah said a big fat NO to God and then he ran away from God. We read that after Jonah had said NO, God sent a fierce storm and then a fish to swallow him up. My son reminded me that when he says NO, I sometimes get cross, and then he proceeded to show me the cross face that I do. Putting that to one side, I started to explain to him that God knew what was best for Jonah, in the same way that God knows what is best for him, and that saying YES to mummy and daddy is part of that.

We looked at what happened to Jonah when he had said NO to God, and my boy asked me why Jonah had said NO. I explained that Jonah thought his way was better, and he wanted to do his own thing, in the same way that when my son says NO to me, he is saying that he knows better and he wants to do his own thing.

We then read how, in the belly of a big fish, Jonah said sorry to God and then said a big fat YES to Him. Jonah finally obeyed what God had asked him to do. I explained to my boy, that asking him to say YES to us, was us training him to say YES to God. I told him that as he got older, God was going to ask him to follow Him. God was going to ask my boy to go places, to give money to the church, to marry someone who loved Jesus, and that we want him to say YES to God when He asks him to do these and many other things.

I think it helped me realise again why I spend hours and hours a day training these little people I've been entrusted with. Any older person will tell you that these young years fly by so fast, and it's true. My boys are only going to be little children for a little while, especially in comparison with their adult years, and more importantly, eternity. So with God's help and grace I need to make the most of these training years, to ensure they get the knowledge, security and tools they need to go into their adult years. God has great plans and purposes for them. He wants to use them. He wants to use their strengths and their weaknesses. He wants them to say YES to Him, to follow Him and to serve Him.
Why? Because He wants good, well-behaved children? Big Fat NO, because He wants obedient radical sons trained up and passionate for His kingdom and His glory.

Bring on tomorrow's training!

"In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands.

And his commands are not burdensome, 

for everyone born of God overcomes the world."

1 John 5v3-4

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

 ‘Honour your father and mother’– which is the first commandment with a promise – ‘so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

Ephesians 6v1-3

Next Post; Big Fat Love

Smiley Faces & Sad Faces

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

Romans 12v15

This verse seems to sum up some aspects of motherhood. Laying in my bed last night, on top of 'vomit protective' towels with my poorly sad two year old, made me really feel for him. But doing the 'wee wee' dance with him, when he gets one in the potty is something to rejoice over.

Celebrating my son's high tree climb in gale force winds is something to 'whoop-whoop' over, and even video but comfort is required and a sadness is felt when he falls over at school and cracks his head open.

Smiley faces all round when my four year old comes home with a certificate, but sad faces arrive when I realise that I should have emptied the book bag sooner as the certificate is a few days old and now he's crying that I celebrated on the wrong day.

A high-five for my eldest who gets invited out to a friend's party, but an understanding hug for when one of his friends shows a lack of care towards him.

There are times when I rejoice with the boys and times I rejoice for them, when they don't know about it. Likewise, there are times when I mourn with them, and times I mourn for them. I can only guess that this will continue as they grow up. Sometimes I'm much better at the 'whoop-whoop, smiley, dancing, high-five' moments. They're definitely the more fun moments to experience together. The understanding, 'I'm sorry for you' moments, can be harder moments to go through, especially if I'm busy or if they're over reacting, or they're tired. If they're feeling sorry for themselves or sin is involved, then it is tougher to stop and hear them out. 

I know how important it is to enjoy their smiley face moments, and teach them that all good moments are a gift from God. But I know it is just as important to try and understand where they are coming from during their sad face times; to listen and mourn with them and teach them through their mourning. I seem to recall the occasional moment (and the rest) where I've over-reacted, or been emotional due to tiredness or felt sorry for myself, even when sin is involved. And in those moments I know that my Heavenly Father is totally available for me. He loves when I share my joyful moments with Him and equally He is willing to listen to my cry or rant, regardless of where my heart is at. I want to show my boys a glimpse of God's care for them by rejoicing with them and mourning with them. Again, His unconditional love and fathering of me inspires me to be a better mum, through the laughter and the tears.

Following In Father's Footsteps

Recently we had a family holiday which was everything it needed to be; sun, sea, rock climbing, cave exploring, ice creams, extra adults to buy those ice creams and a giant dead crab. It was relaxing and tan-enhancing for me, whilst being exciting, sandy, wet and adventurous for four little boys (and one big one).

There were two moments on holiday, where I caught glimpses of my little boys growing into little men. One moment involved my eldest boy. Me, him and the husband had gone rock climbing to look at some caves. The husband had jumped across some water and assured me that when I jumped I wouldn't fall over, even though it was extremely slippery and I was wearing flip flops. As I picked my self up from the inevitable fall, my emotions got the better of me. The husband asked my eldest to step away while I told the husband off, cried at him, forgave him and hugged him as I started to put my really sensible flip flops back on.

We carried on with the adventure; the husband's trainers on my feet and the husband sporting a nice pair of green flips flops. My eldest stayed close by, reassuring me, telling me how great I was doing, looking after me, and finding an easier route for me to climb. Part of me wanted to tell him that I was totally fine and that he should stop fussing, but I knew he was doing what his dad had taught him. He was being a little man!

The second moment involved my four year-old. We had gone for a walk in a forest, and the route back involved walking down quite a steep hill. The descent needed tiny little steps to stay upright. I had the buggy to keep me balanced and the husband and his brother were making headway with the boys. At this point, my son looked back up the hill to see my sister in law teetering down the hill on her own. He walked back up the hill., and after telling her that he was going to marry someone even prettier than her, he handed her a big stick. He had been using the branch to keep his balance as he scrambled down the hill. He told her that she needed it more than he did. He also said that because she was a lady, it was his job to help her. My little boy was being a little man.

I was just so proud of my little men. They were following in their father's footsteps; learning to care for the ladies in their lives and preparing to be considerate husbands.

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives,
and treat them with respect as the weaker partner
and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life,
so that nothing will hinder your prayers."   1 Peter 3v7

When The Darkness Closes In

Miscarriage; My friend Hayley shares her story...
We started trying for a family after three years of marriage. I was disappointed every month that I didn’t fall pregnant. After five months of trying, I fell pregnant and I couldn’t have been more excited! I couldn’t believe my time had really come. I was going to be a mum and have a family. I remember the moment I did the test. I was buzzing with excitement and it felt so wonderful! I wanted it so much, I was so happy about the news, but then I started to worry that it could all go wrong, and I could lose this precious baby somehow. I spent a lot of time worrying during the early weeks. I asked close friends to pray with me through my worries, and I spent time praying on my own and I also asked Pete to pray with me often. I still don’t know why I feared miscarriage so much during that first pregnancy. Perhaps it is because I wanted the baby so much, and I honestly could not bear the thought of losing him/her.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant, I started to bleed. I was scanned, only to find that the baby hadn’t developed past 5 weeks. I then miscarried naturally at home. Nothing could have prepared me for the following year. I fell pregnant again about 5 months later. My doctor booked an early scan at 6 weeks due to my fears and worries. Pete and I saw the baby’s heartbeat and I remember walking home with my scan picture in my pocket, amazed that that this baby seemed to be ok. I didn’t worry about miscarriage after seeing the baby alive on the screen. I believed the baby to be safe and developing well, even at that early stage, the heartbeat gave me hope. At 7 weeks I started to bleed again. I miscarried at home, and a scan confirmed that I had lost this baby too.

How did this sad start to family life affect you?
I was completely devastated. I was in shock for a while, totally consumed by grief. I had to just allow it to happen; feeling helpless and unable to do anything to stop my body from failing me in such a massive and life changing way. I was going to be a mum, and all of a sudden that was taken from me.

I remember waking up every morning still crying from the night before. I spent hours and hours crying at home, either on my own, with Pete, with family and with friends. It took me a very long time to stop crying. The pain of losing my babies was unbearable. I remember going into work a week later thinking I would be fine to teach for the day. I got as far as opening my classroom cupboard door and collapsed in tears as I remembered that I was pregnant in that room a week beforehand, and now my baby was gone. Everywhere I went and everything I did reminded me of my loss.

What effect did this have on your marriage?
To be honest with you, it was a massive negative turning point in our marriage. I was so consumed with my grief that I was barely functioning a lot of the time. Giving any attention to Pete or his needs was not even something I thought of. I went through the motions of being a wife. I was just so upset and Pete was angry. Looking back we can both see that we didn’t really share the experience. I shut myself down, and so did Pete.

Were you able to ‘do life’ and see people? No I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to socialise. When we did, I was closed off from our friends, again going through the motions of friendship but often feeling distant and remote. Looking back I can now see how patient our friends were with us. Pete and I are so blessed to have friends that stuck by us during that challenging year. They were so gracious and loving. I barely went to church during that year. I was so fearful of crying at church, and I knew if I brought my pain to God, it would hurt and I would cry. I didn’t want to cry anymore, I didn’t enjoy crying and I wanted to ignore God. I questioned God. I wanted to know why He had let this happen to me. I felt that the one thing I wanted in life, He could have given me but instead I felt He’d chosen to offer it to me, then snatch it away. I just could not understand what good could come from my suffering.

What happened in relation to trying again for a baby? After my two miscarriages I waited for my cycle to begin again, not really knowing what I wanted. My whole world had fallen apart, I had lost not only my babies, but I felt I had lost my future as a mum. I had no hope left at all. After waiting a few weeks my cycle didn’t start, and so I braced myself and did a pregnancy test. It was positive and I remember phoning my mum sobbing, because I felt I couldn’t cope with it. I remember saying “I can’t go through it all again.” I felt I couldn’t get myself through yet another miscarriage. In my heart I assumed this pregnancy would end in the same way as my previous pregnancies, and I wasn’t ready to go through the whole ordeal again. I was still grieving for my second baby. But after 9 very long and worrying months my beautiful baby girl was born!

Looking back, how has this painful experience shaped you and your marriage? Before miscarrying I had never really suffered in any real way. Pete and I stumbled upon massive marriage problems, mostly due to the way we both dealt with our loss, and I learnt that God is a faithful God. I thought I was losing my marriage, even though I had gained a wonderful daughter, so I prayed every day. I trusted God’s faithfulness because I never wanted to return to the solitude and hopelessness that I felt when I suffered the miscarriages and didn’t trust God. I now believed that even if everything beneath me was swept away, God would still hold me up in his loving, secure, faithful arms. And needless to say, He did. And in a strange way, I am glad it all happened. I now know the pain of loss, and I learnt how not to deal with difficult times.

What changed in your marriage?
It was a very gradual process. God allowed us to take the time we needed. He put some couples in our life who would ask us how we were really doing. They allowed us time, were patient with us and prayed with us and for us. If we had done it alone, I’m not sure what would have happened to us. I had got to the place where I desperately didn’t want to lose our marriage and I trusted God. I prayed every day. Pete wasn’t in a place where he could lead us in coming to God, because he simply didn't trust God anymore, but I asked Pete to do a bible study with me once a week and he agreed. He was willing for God to change our marriage, even if he couldn’t take the lead in it. We started to spend time with God as a couple, which we had never really done before, and we started to spend time with God individually. Gradually, we drew closer to Him and to each other again.

What did you learn about God’s character?

I have learnt that God is so faithful and I can trust Him. I realised that God has plans for Pete and I that are different to my own plans. It’s so wonderful to look back and now see God’s goodness in my life, even looking back on my loss and my darkest times. He most definitely carried me through that time. The frustrating thing is that at the time I didn’t know it, and I didn’t trust Him! I have learnt to trust God through even the most painful experiences.

I remember two particular songs teaching me a lot about God’s character… “Blessed be your name” by Matt Redman and ‘Hard Pressed” by Lou Fellingham. I learnt that God will not abandon me, that He has a plan, even when I feel pulled to pieces and my world is caving in. I learnt that I can worship and praise my God even when there is pain in the offering. I am so sure of His goodness now.

Anything you would like to add...

Our journey has been such an amazing blessed one! I cannot contain my love for God when I think of what he has brought us from. We were a young married couple in a desperate situation, and now Pete is leading our family of five as we live for God. We have just finished running an Alpha course together in our home, which in itself shows how far God has brought us. We know that our hope is in God and our future is in His hands. I consider it a privilege and a sign of God’s love for us that he allowed us to go through what we did, and that He was willing to teach us.

What an amazing God that steps down from the heavens and is willing to change us. I am so grateful to Him for allowing us to go on this (at times) painful, yet rich and joyful journey  with Him. It makes me so excited to think where he might take us next and what he might change in us next. I’m so glad we have now put our marriage and our children in the hands of a God who loves us, and I know it’s not through our own doing. It’s all been God’s willingness to teach us, to lead us, and show us grace and unconditional love every step of the way. Thank you Lord!

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.    Hayley's verse - Psalm 63v1-5

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Pete's verse - Romans 8v38-39

A Snail's Pace

Today I spent some precious time with my youngest in our garden. We sat in the sun and collected, watched and talked to snails, much to the dismay of my friend who has three girlie girls. She said her girls would have screamed and run away, in case they got slime on them and died! I love how different our worlds can be.

My son pulled each of the happily sleeping snails off the wall and put them all together in a group on the grass. The snails stayed safely in their shells for quite a while. But then they foolishly peered out to see if the excited boy had gone away. He hadn't. He was ready and waiting. As they slowly started to crawl away, he would pick them up, chat to them and show them to me. I laid on the grass next to him; watching him, chatting to the snails as they were introduced to me and simply enjoyed our slow-paced moment together. Our lovely moment lasted quite a while, until the snails eventually got to go for a wild ride in a yellow tipper truck. Unfortunately one of the snails didn't quite make it to tell his friends all about his high speed adventures, may he rest in pieces...

3 o'clock arrived and the three older brothers returned from school, and quadrupled the amount of testosterone in the house. Whilst I got dinner on the go, kept up with the potty training and divided and conquered when needed, my precious snail moment drifted from my mind. My sweet snail-loving boy changed into being the slightly bugging younger brother, and slightly disobedient and tantrummy youngest son.

I tried hard to think back to our snail moment, and realised that it seemed easier to love my boy in the precious, slow-paced, and uninterrupted moments rather than in the real-life, busy and chaotic moments. And straight away I was thankful that God doesn't deal with me like that. He loves me when I give Him my undivided attention, appreciate His creation and talk freely to Him. He also loves me just as much when I'm bugging others, disobeying Him and tantrumming. I therefore made a choice to love my boy during his not so loveable moments, knowing that God loves me during mine.

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

                                                                                                          1 John 4v8&11

You Get What You Deserve

Last night I told my four year old that if he wasn't in bed with his book by the time I came upstairs that I wouldn't read it to him. I got upstairs and he wasn't in bed with his book. I asked him what the consequence was and he explained that he couldn't have a story because he hadn't done what I had asked. I explained that I was going to use what had happened to show him what grace looks like. (We didn't get into the theology of grace also being the discipline side of things during this little chat but we've got all his life to cover that one too).

I explained that grace was getting what we do not deserve. I explained that he didn't deserve to have the story read to him, but that I was going to read it to him anyway because I wanted him to have what he didn't deserve. I explained that we have all been naughty and sinned, and that we deserve a big telling off from God. I explained that instead of God telling us off in the way we deserve, He chose to tell Jesus off instead, who had never done anything wrong. I said that the telling off was for Jesus to die on a cross, and we got to go free. This is grace, I explained to my little one.

I think some things landed and we read his book, Toy Story. We looked at Andy, the really nice boy in the story and we looked at Sid, the not so nice boy who lived next door. My boy said that we should be more like Andy than Sid, and although he is right, I decided to go in for another little teaching moment. I tried to explain that actually in comparison with Jesus' goodness and purity, Andy and Sid were pretty similar. They were both sinners. They both had selfish hearts. They were both like me and my son. Whether the sin is seen as clearly as in Sid's character or whether it's a bit more hidden like Andy's, it's still there. Andy, Sid, me and my boy all need to know of God's loving grace, and His forgiveness. We all need what we don't deserve.

We of course, ended up praying for Toy Story's Andy and we also prayed  for Auntie Nai's dog who happens to be called Grace. We will hit the topics of grace and goodness again because new opportunities arrive all the time in our house, to teach into these two subjects.

If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves, and the truth is not in us. We confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8, 9

Wandering in the Wilderness

Sometimes being a mum feels like you're wandering around in the desert or the wilderness. It can be so monotonous; day in, day out, you can feel like you're still not sure what you're doing or where you're going! And it's not like your little charges regularly stop what they're doing and say, "Mum, I just want to thank you for all the hard work you put into parenting me." There is the temptation to feel like you want to give up. On Sunday, just before church, this wandering mother snapped and gave up. She shouted at one of her sons and felt pretty justified about the shout. She'd had enough of the attitude, the answering back, the disobedience, and the winding up. She even threw in a slammed door.

Then she went to church! And there she felt quite annoyed by the preach! Joel Virgo was continuing his series in 1 Samuel. It's been one of those series that have felt wonderfully encouraging, but with a challenging kick to it. And this week he was going on about us being in the wilderness, and the wilderness being a place of training.
He explained how many great characters in the bible spent a season, a decade, or forty years even, in the wilderness and it was in order to train them. Even Jesus Himself spent 40 days in the wilderness. Joel explained that it's how we respond in the wilderness which is so vitally important. Do we continue to trust God or do we decide to bury our heads and give up? Joel went on to say that being meek is trusting God, humbling ourselves to let Him be in control. He also said that we're not meant to stay in the wilderness but that we're to walk through it. If we give up, we stay there and die in the wilderness. Whereas if we grow and learn through the training, trusting God completely, we come out the other side a little more like Jesus and a little more ready to take on what God has called us to do! 

But God has called me to be a mother! And that's tough at times... Ah I started to see what God was saying to me through Joel's word. God is training me, as I train my little ones. And as I get it wrong with my little ones. Joel ended of course, with Jesus; saying that we needed to hold onto who Jesus was. Hold onto His past faithfulness, and hold onto His steadfastness.  Hold onto the fact that He showed mercy to the me, an ungrateful child. Hold onto the fact that He blesses and provides security and love to me, regardless of how I respond. Hold on to the fact that He continually serves me, regardless of how undeserving I am.

I apologised to my son and sought his forgiveness for shouting at him and we prayed together. I thanked God that we we are both sinners saved by grace. I thanked God that He shows both of us undeserved grace and forgiveness. I thanked God that He never shouts at us or slams a door. I thanked God for the wilderness training. I thanked Him again for loving us, His children so perfectly.

"Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.  
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.  
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.  
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God."

Matthew 5v5-9

Breakdown Recovery

Last Thursday, after the grand organising of child care (calling in the parents) me and the husband set off for a church conference in Nottingham. Leaving the house took a shocking two minutes, instead of the usual long-haul of getting four boys out the door. We chatted freely on the journey, I dozed off now and then and no one needed our attention, or snacks or a wee stop.

It was a great journey, the husband was happy that we were doing well for time and that we were going to actually arrive early, going against our family's tradition. All of a sudden, all the dashboard dials went to zero and back again. We pulled into the middle lane, and then into the slow lane as the dials went to zero again and stayed there. We made it onto the hard shoulder and sat in silence for a few moments. (You learn after nearly ten years of marriage to not say anything during these moments!)


After the husband had explained that we didn't have any breakdown cover, we  bought some and awaited the AA man. He arrived quite promptly and checked out the car. He stuck his hand into the engine and quite obviously got an electric shock. Thankfully he recovered and we didn't have to call out for another man to come and replace the one we had electrocuted on the road side. He towed us to a service station and had a fiddle with the engine. He decided our old girl had passed her best years. At 207000 miles, our Chrysler Voyager had driven her last journey. Sad times. We decided to get towed to Nottingham rather than back home. Our AA man could only tow us so far, and then we had to wait at another service station for another AA man, who towed us to the conference. Always fun to arrive at these things on a pick up truck! We scrapped the old girl while we were there.

The journey got me thinking about our journey with God; sometimes smooth sailing and you seem to get quite far along quite quickly, sometimes you face difficulties along the way, sometimes you feel like you come to a stand-still, sometimes it costs you, sometimes you need someone to help you, sometimes you have to make decisions to change the way you're travelling, and sometimes you're simply humbled as you travel.

But you do end up getting nearer to your destination; more like Jesus and closer to eternity with Him. And the great thing is that He isn't just waiting for us to finally get to Him as we arrive at our final destination. He travels with us along the way, like the best possible AA man, with all the tools and help we need along the way. Sometimes we foolishly try to journey along without asking Him for His help, and we realise we simply can't. Therefore we end up sitting on the hard shoulder for a while, until we realise He's patiently waiting for us to call on Him for some breakdown recovery.

"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4v16